Supporting your spouse through job loss

By Debra Bacon
Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

 

The Pink Slip

Losing a job is very stressful for a family. The emotional impact it has on the husband or wife can be very different. Both may feel depressed and anxious as a result of the loss. Self-esteem and worthiness issues are common. These factors, combined with the financial implications resulting from a spouse’s job loss, place a strain on a marriage. However, exercising solid coping skills during this transitional time can lead to a successful outcome.

Time to process

It is important to give your spouse time to process what has happened and get a handle on the future. Often our job defines us--reinforces our worth to our family and others. While our self-worth should be shaped by other measures, our job plays an important role in our lives.

Due to the financial strain resulting from a job loss, the natural response from both parties is to get a job as soon as possible. However, finding a new job can take time. During this time, sensitivity and careful response is essential in supporting your spouse. Encouraging words and conversations about other things can help ease any tension that money issues can cause in a marriage.

Avoid picking out jobs for your spouse. As well meaning as this approach seems, it often backfires. They may begin to feel you have lost faith or trust in their abilities to manage their affairs properly.

Questions about how the unemployed spouse spent their time during the day may be offensive. It is important to be aware of trigger points that may spark conflict. A person may lash out because they feel inadequate or are depressed.

As important as processing time and feelings of the unemployed spouse are, so are those of others involved. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor during this time. A counselor can help you identify the unique feelings and stressors experienced during a time of loss. They can offer feedback and coping skills you may not have considered previously.

Reach out to friends and family that may have experienced a similar situation. Ask them how they managed the process.

Fear and Finances

A financial plan is an imperative step in eliminating fear and uncertainty of the future. The plan should be developed to encompass at least three months that follow the unemployment.

Together, determine what you can cut back on, or live without. Big changes should be considered carefully. Remember, the situation is not permanent.

Your spouse may be eligible for unemployment compensation. This benefit can be very helpful when facing job loss. Consulting a financial advisor or counselor may be necessary in some cases. However, cutting back on special perks or extras can trim a budget quite a bit.

The Bottom Line

At the end of the day, your marriage and relationship with one another is more important than anything else. Be kind to one another. Talk about your spouses good qualities, compliment them. Take notice of the extra help you are likely receiving around the home, or in other areas of your life. You will likely come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before.

 

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Posted on 2/22/2010 3:50:00 PM by Debra Bacon

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EFT for Autism

 By Sandra Lewis, MA, EFT-Adv.
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For those of you who haven’t heard of EFT, it stands for Emotional Freedom Technique, and is what we call an energy-based meridian therapy. There are several different meridian therapies in use, but EFT is by far the most widely used, embraced by psychiatrists, psychologists, medical doctors, life coaches, and lay people around the world who use it for everything from physical aches and pains to the worst childhood traumas.

 

I have been a psychotherapist in Toronto for many years now, practicing classical therapeutic techniques with a broad range of clients. In the last few years, I have included EFT in my work, and have seen many dramatic events as a result of it. But I wanted to talk about one in particular, because for the first time I was able to convince a parent to try EFT with her child. As you can imagine, it is difficult for the therapist to interact with the child using what is essentially an acupressure technique. It required the willingness of a parent to take extra time out of a very busy life to make the effort at home.

 

My client, Katia, who is happy to share this information with my readers, has a 7-year-old son who was diagnosed many years ago with severe autism. Her husband quit his job and devoted himself full-time to helping David function as well as might be hoped. He used the Sonrise technique, which many of you may be familiar with. And her husband was certainly able to make a difference, after three years of enormous effort. But like many parents of autistic children, he began to run out of steam. It’s a very demanding role for a parent to fill, as you know.

 

Katia came to me without her son, David, and together she and I worked on some of her frustrations as a parent, using the EFT protocol. Then I gave her some statements to use with David. We decided that we would work initially on making him more responsive to his parents and less of a challenge to their patience. Katia told me that David was very sensitive to noise, and would scream and cry when she turned on the blender in the kitchen. He would also scream in the car if she had the radio on. EFT combines tapping on key acupuncture points while repeating a kind of affirmation at the same time.

 

Katia used statements that focused on the noisy blender, the irritation David felt when he heard it, and his reaction (screaming).

 

Katia also told me that, like many autistic children, David had suffered a trauma when he was born. The doctors had to use a vacuum and then forceps. Katia couldn’t see this, but she could see the expression on her husband’s face, which went white with anxiety. As well, David was vaccinated 12 hours after being born.  

 

So we added statements to release this trauma, statements that reflected what we imagined it must have been like for David, how terrible it must have been, how frightening, how the world suddenly didn’t seem safe, how his head hurt. 

Katia would tap every evening while David was going to sleep. She would tap on herself as a surrogate and on him. Amazingly EFT works both ways, which is a Godsend for autistic children who don’t like to be touched. She added statements for his speech problems, and his difficulty communicating.

 

All this time Katia’s husband was away on a trip. When he returned after one month, he said he noticed immediately an enormous change in his son’s behaviour. He said he hardly recognized David. These are some of the things he and Katia saw in just one month:

 

·           David's speech improved dramatically. He would answer questions, something he never did before, even when they were simple yes or no questions.

·           He would ask for things in complete sentences: "I want bread" instead of using one word, “bread".

·           He started noticing other children and wanting to play with them (before he seemed lost in his own world).

·           When he was playing with children, he would follow the rules of the game.

·           He was visually focusing on his parents, making conscious eye contact and holding it for minutes at a time (before he would look all around the room, but not at them).

·           He was clearly processing information from them when he was making this eye contact (his eyes seemed active instead of vacant).

·           He stopped screaming when he heard loud noises, and even asked for the radio to be turned on in the car (in Katia’s words, there was no chance this could happen before he didn’t like music from any source except TV).

·           It was possible to negotiate things with him for the first time, i.e. If you eat this apple, then you can have a cookie.

·           He started eating apples bananas were the only fruit he would eat before.

 

 

David's grandfather was away as well for a month and he agreed that his grandson had made a big shift while he was away.  Normally it might have been difficult to clearly identify EFT as the cause of this change. But because David’s father, Yuri, was the one who usually worked with him, while Yuri was away, virtually no extra time was spent with David on his autism. Katia was busy just taking care of the house and preparing meals, and so the only extra time spent with David were the few minutes she devoted to tapping in the evening.

 

 

Katia continues to work on David and he continues to make progress. One day, for example, he put together very complicated tower (around 200-300 Lego pieces) completely by himself, and without any instructions. It was very close to the suggested one on the box, but with quite a lot of improvisations.

 

As well, he is more often using sentences of three to four words, instead of single words. His father says, “The interesting thing is it seems like he is constructing some of the sentences himself. So, he is starting to generalize, which is the main issue with autism. I still do not have a stop watch, but it looks to me as though his attention span is getting longer.”

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Posted on 2/22/2010 10:46:00 AM by Sandra Lewis

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Death and Taxes

 By Carlton Brown, M.Sc., M.Div., RMFT 
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A man in Austin, Texas, today flew his small plane into an IRS building, killing himself and possibly one person on the ground, damaging the building, sending people to hospital, and traumatizing hundreds of spectators by conjuring images of a repeat of 9/11. Air force jets were scrambled, and the president was notified. Everyone quickly calmed down when they realized it was “only” a suicide.

The one thing this man made clear before he died was his belief that the world had not treated him fairly. He was mad at the tax department, specifically, as well as “big business” and the government in general. At 53, he must have felt like a failure, having lost two previous businesses and at least one previous marriage. Believing that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”, he twisted this usually helpful aphorism into the conclusion that this would be “something different” to try with his life. Feeling that he had explored all the options, he concluded that “violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer”. At some level, he must have believed that he was “answering” the unfairness of the tax department by making people who worked for the tax department suffer. He was being unfair to them as he had felt that they had been unfair to him.

A good study on suicide is Kay Redfield Jamison’s Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide, available here. A professor of psychiatry, Jamison also suffers from bipolar affective disorder, a mental illness associated with a higher risk of suicide. She knows whereof she speaks.  

Suicide has been called “a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. When people contemplate suicide, they feel hopeless and helpless. Without resources and without a future, people on the verge of completing suicide reportedly feel a sense of calm, as if they have “solved” their problem with this very narrow and final solution.

People who contemplate suicide are usually depressed. Depression can be part of bipolar disorder as well as an illness unto itself, and is associated with defective thinking. Depressed people make three errors in their thinking: first, they think that they are worthless; second, they think that the world is unfairly punishing them; third, they don’t think that things will ever get better. This man probably had all three of these faulty thoughts, writing most clearly about the second, that he felt that he had been treated unfairly. He certainly didn’t seem to believe that things were going to improve. And he counted his own life as worthless in his plan to right the wrongs that had been done to him.

It is not unusual for people to have suicidal thoughts. Depression in and of itself may even be part of a normal life, a time of lying fallow and resting, perhaps to recover from a trauma or a loss. Matthew Fox called it one of the four roads that we follow from time to time in the course of life. But it isn’t meant to be the main road that we take - not the main course. After a period of depression it is indeed helpful to “do something different” - but not to fly your plane into the government office of your choice. Distraction has been shown to help people recover from depression. Forcing yourself to do a normal routine also helps: “fake it til you make it” is a good mantra to follow. Because if you do manage to distract yourself from your thoughts, if you do “fake it” and go on about life “as if” it is worth living, it will become so again.

It is not unusual to have such thoughts. The time to worry, however, is when you find yourself (or someone you know) beginning to develop plans. Suicidal thoughts + plans = risk, especially if the plan is within the person’s ability to be carried out in the near future. This constitutes an emergency: it’s time to call 911 and get the person to hospital, where someone can distract them until they are able to distract themselves.

Before it becomes an emergency, however, if you find your life becoming a knotted problem from which there seems to be no escape, find a good therapist. Therapists are trained to “open space” and generate additional options - solutions to your problems that perhaps you never thought of. Certainly for this man, there were options besides exacting an eye for an eye from the tax department, in a permanent and fatal solution. It was tragic that he couldn’t see these options.

A great online resource for preventing suicide is here.

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Posted on 2/18/2010 7:55:00 PM by Carlton Brown

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Helping a child prepare for the birth of a sibling

 By Debra Bacon
Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

 

Great News

Remember the first time you were expecting a child; you couldn’t wait to tell everyone! Now another baby is on the way. The excitement is just as fierce as the first time, but there is more to consider than sharing the news with friends and extended family. Big brother or sister must be prepared for the “new” baby’s arrival.

Telling your child becomes as big a responsibility as other preparations of the upcoming birth. The child has been accustomed to being the focus of mom and dad’s love and attention. To have this focus shared with another is usually upsetting for the sibling to be.

Often parents will wait until the last few months of the pregnancy to tell the child about their sibling’s birth. The pregnancy is more stable, and it is getting closer to the time of delivery. Moreover, children’s concept of time is not as refined as adults. They can better understand seasons more than weeks or months, depending on their age.

No Longer the Baby, but a Sibling

Prepare your child in ways they can understand. For example, if one of their playmates has had a baby born into their family recently, use the situation as an example.

Following are some tips to help a child prepare for the birth of a sibling:

  • Tell them the new baby will be coming home with you from the hospital, and will be living with all of you as a family.
  • Explain how the child can help in the process of caring for the infant. Let them know the importance of an older sibling’s role in the family.
  • Use age appropriate books to help the child understand what it means to be a brother or sister. How they interact and help each other, share things; even their parents.
  • Include the child in the plans for the baby’s room, if appropriate.
  • Talk to them about some names you are considering.

The Hospital and Birth

Ensure your child knows you will be in the hospital for a few days and that it is normal. This will help eliminate anxiety they may experience about your safety and health. Talk about where they will be staying during this time, and how they can come and visit you while there.

Plan for your child to visit you and the baby at a time specifically designed for the immediate family only. Introduce them to their new sibling and allow them to touch and possibly hold them with assistance, if appropriate.

Have the other parent care for the newborn while you spend time focused on your child, to answer any questions they may have, or just have quality time together.

We’re Home

When bringing the baby home, make it a celebration where the big brother or sister is involved. Allow them to lead you and the baby to their new room, and show them around, or offer the baby a gift they have made for them. If the child is not interested there is not a need for concern. Change takes time and they will come around.

Since your schedule will be interrupted with the newborns needs, take advantage of times where you can spend uninterrupted time with the newborns sibling. During feeding times, make sure your child has toys or other items of interest, so that they are entertained. This will help in keeping them from feeling they are not involved, or are left out.

With time, the schedule will begin to flow and the family will take on its new shape.

 

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Posted on 2/15/2010 7:20:00 PM by Debra Bacon

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What is a Family?

 By Carlton Brown, M.Sc., M.Div., RMFT 
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Today was a statutory holiday where I live. We have this thing called Family Day, which I thought was just a Canadian thing but according to Wikipedia is a holiday in South Africa, Alberta, Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Prince Edward Island, Arizona, Vanuatu, Vietnam, and part of Australia. Not unlike the postmodern family, no one really seems to know what Family Day is about or agree on whether even to recognize it. The day, just like its namesake, has no “One size fits all.” My one daughter seemed to think that Family Day meant that you were supposed to stay with your family and that if you didn’t then at least you should feel guilty about it. “Happy Family Day, Dad,” she said as she slunk out of the car and into her friend’s house. Robert Beavers in his 1981 Successful Marriage said that guilt was good if it lasted less than five minutes and led to a change of behaviour. No joy here. Rather she reminded me of a couple I saw once. Both had had affairs - but the woman felt justified because she felt more guilty about her affair than her husband did about his. But I encouraged to her go, actually. She is at that age where she is supposed to be leaving my family, and thinking about starting a family of her own. The more time she spends with her friends, the better - and the more time I have for napping, or reading. The other daughter of mine felt that Family Day was an offense, falling, as it does, immediately after Valentine’s Day. “Valentine’s Day for love, and Family Day for what? To remind you of what can happen to you if you have too much love? Yuck!” She called today another name that I will not bother to repeat. But she too used the time to reconcile and reunite with friends. Elizabeth Carter and Monica McGoldrick wrote (1989) The Changing Family Life Cycle to remind us that families are not static. At the very least, they evolve, from couples, to couples with young children, to kids in school, to teenagers, to launching and the empty nest, to older couples and to old age and death. There is wondrous variety to this basic scheme: same-sex couples, with and without children, single parents, never-married singles, two-home families. Each goes through its own stages of expansion and contraction, birth and death. My dictionary defines a family as parents and children living in the same household. They don’t have to be related to each other! The kids could be adopted. The Family Law Act of Ontario defines a parent as someone having a “settled intention” to raise a particular child. More variety. Etymology takes us to the heart of the matter, however: “family” derives from the Latin noun “famula”, meaning “servant” or “slave”. The next time you’re vacuuming or doing a load of never-ending laundry, consider that you belong to the “family” of families. Nor is this a bad thing. I spent most of Family Day doing just that: laundry, vacuuming, cleaning floors, while the rest of my family was out doing their thing. It gave me pleasure to know that they were launching as they should be, that I perhaps had done and was doing my part to create the next generation of families. And after that I took a nap, peacefully.

 

 

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Posted on 2/15/2010 7:18:00 PM by Carlton Brown

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The Many Meanings of Valentine's Day

By Carlton Brown: 
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As Valentine’s Day approaches, you will find me at some point slipping quietly into my favorite florist and reemerging with a large bundle of red roses.  I’ve been doing this every year, without fail, for 30 years now, bringing flowers to the same girl.  The first year, she received a similar bunch of roses from me and my competitor at the time.  For some unknown reason, his roses ended up adorning the local chapel, while mine remained in her bedroom: a life-changing event for her and me.

 

Valentines Day was begun to honour one or more individuals of the early Christian church, many of whom were martyred.  

 

One apparently was a priest who defied Roman law and was secretly performing marriages: at the time, only single men could be conscripted into the army and Rome, needing recruits, had put a moratorium on marriages.  This Valentine was executed on February 14, 269 CE.

 

Another priest called Valentine was arrested for helping Christians - this was at a time when, well, Christians were the guests of honor in the Coliseum (remember “Gladiator” with Russell Crowe?  That sort of guest).  This Valentine was also executed.  But he had a girlfriend, to whom he sent love letters from jail - the first valentines.


Then there was Valentinus of Egypt.  Born around 100 CE, Valentinus became an outspoken and slightly offbeat teacher, who probably studied under a student of Paul and then went his own way, promoting ideas that were interesting but not quite orthodox.  He did move to Rome and became a well known and respected teacher.  Possibly, being offbeat prevented him from being executed: he was too weird to become a bishop, and too much like other Roman philosophers to be martyred.  Lucky guy.

 

The word “valentinus” means “heathy, or strong”.  The Romans used to say goodbye to one another with “Vale!” - “Be well!”  

 

So you can see that Valentine’s Day as we celebrate it now probably derives from the first guy, the one who married lovers in secret.  And so we proclaim our love to our romantic partners on this day.

 

This really bugs my daughter, who is single.  And so she, and her single friends, will be getting together, probably for sushi and Hugh Grant movies, and celebrating “Singles Awareness Day”.  Which I think is creative, a way of celebrating the day as a day of health and strength, and being slightly offbeat, while still surviving and even thriving.

 

As for me, I’ve ordered my roses, probably more than I should.  But that relates to a story I once heard about a man in the Philippines who paid seven cows for his wife - a ridiculously high price at the time.  No one had ever put out that much for a relationship before.  At first his neighbours thought the guy a bit foolish, certainly strange.  But after awhile they began to wonder if maybe he knew something that they didn’t, maybe his wife was worth seven cows.  They began to treat the woman with deference and respect - perhaps she was descended from royalty.  As time went on the woman began to look more and more like a queen, and the foolish man less and less like a fool.  People tend to live up to the value you place in them.

 

Whether you are single, coupled or in between, set aside this Valentine’s Day to honour your strengths, your health, the gifts of your loved ones and families, and the benefits of being slightly offbeat.  Vale!

 

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Posted on 2/10/2010 2:20:00 PM by Carlton Brown

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