Step Families

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

Once upon a time, a man and a woman would get married and have children. Together they would raise these children and watch them leave the nest. They would then retire and spend the rest of their lives in matching rockers. While this still does happen in the year 2012, it is not the norm anymore. With divorce rates soaring as high as they have ever been, step families are also classified as the norm. Even though this is a normal situation, there are challenges that a couple should think about before they say I Do again.
Any marriage that begins with children from previous relationships can cause some challenging situations. Before a person with children should remarry, they should confront three main issues in order to ensure that all is as harmonious as possible.
1.    Finances and custody/living arrangements: The majority of people who are remarrying do not purchase a new home. Instead, they move into their new partner’s home. This may be good or bad depending on the couple and their situation. Personally, I would rather have a new home that is “ours” instead of living in his home which he once shared with his ex wife. It should also be taken into consideration where the children will be living. Making them feel at home wherever they are is the most important thing when it comes to the living arrangements. Also make sure that you both understand how the finances will be. Some couples wish to share and some wish to keep things separate. Many women who have step children wish for the finances to be kept separate so that it is their husbands that are paying the child support with their own money. This is a personal choice that should be discussed before the nuptials.
2.    Resolving Feeling: Getting remarried may bring up old and painful feelings from your first marriage. We never completely stop loving people; we simply love them in a different way than we originally did. It is important for both you and your children to confront any emotions before remarriage. Their feelings are just as important, if not more so, then yours are. You also want your relationship with your ex spouse to be a healthy as possible so your children are as healthy as possible.
3.    Expect changes in parenting styles: Everyone has their one way of parenting. Talk with your future spouse about these sort of topics so you can work together as a team when it comes to the children.
The Quality of Marriage Vs. The Quality of Parenting
When a couple first gets married they may be so wrapped up in being in love that the children feel neglected. If they are already having difficulty managing their feelings about their mom/dad being in a new relationship, this will only add to their feelings of sadness and abandonment. Make sure that there is a certain time everyday that is just for you and your children. The new spouse can be inserted in that together time later- but in the beginning, they need to know that mom/dad is still on their side always.
Step Parent/Step Child Relationships
Being in a step family can be wonderful, but it can also present problems as well. How the step parent handles parental things may be quite different then how you or your ex spouse does. This is not as difficult when you remarry while the step child is at a young age because you kind of grow up along with them. However, coming into a step family that has a teenager can get messy since this is already a rebellious stage for a teen. The main thing is to help with the readjustment as best you can. Do not jump right into the “mom” or “dad” role. The best thing to do in the beginning is to form a friendly relationship. Relationships with children cannot be pushed as they are very fragile. When it comes to discipline, have a talk with the custodial parent to see how they think things should be handled. Different things work better for different families and no two are just alike.
The Absent Parent
The absent parent (the one which does not have the child living with them) should be included in the child’s life as much as possible. This will help keep the child emotionally balanced when a remarriage occurs. Research shows that when the absent parent visits consistently and stays active in their child’s life, the child is more likely to adjust to the remarriage better and more quickly. Otherwise, they will feel abandoned by the absent parent and the easiest person to blame for that is the step parent.
Being a step parent myself, I have seen and experienced some of these things. However, after being married for 6 years I have an excellent relationship with my step children- with my step daughter in particular. For me, I know my place in their lives. When they are in my home, I am in charge…I am mom even though we all know that they have a mother. My step son is at the age where he wants to be with dad all the time. However, my step daughter is almost 16 and she is one of the few bright lights in my life. We got to this point in our relationship because I did not try to play the role of MOM. We are more like friends than parent/child but she knows that I can be MOM when she needs me to be. This is what worked for me. Find what works for you and do your best for your family.

 

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Posted on 5/10/2012 7:00:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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The Do's and Dont's of Dieting

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

Everywhere you look there is a commercial or advertisement about a new trending diet or diet product. These fad diets have always been around but lately, they seem to be popping up faster than people can learn about what each one is about. I will not mention any one of them specifically, but you know which ones are biggest on the market; maybe you have even tried some of them yourself. The reason I am writing this is because I am deeply concerned about these fad diets. Anything that tells you to take a pill cut your calories in half and sit back to watch the fat melt away is reason for concern in my book – and it should be in yours as well. So, my first DON’T of dieting is never follow these trendy diets. In fact, stay away from diet pills altogether. Now onto my full list of Do’s and Don’ts of Dieting!

DON’T expect that you can simply change the way you eat and reach your weight loss goals. Losing weight is about more than eating the right foods. It is also not about cutting back on your calories so much that you are hardly eating at all. You may be surprised to find out that your body actually needs food to lose weight. Without calories and fat to burn, your body doesn’t do anything at all. So aside from total starvation (and of course this is unacceptable), eating like a bird will not help you reach your weight loss goals.
DO eat healthy, well balanced meals. This is not as difficult as it sounds. You can start slow by cutting out soda. The majority of American consume at least one soda per day, most do more than that. Drinks like this add a massive amount of calories to your daily intake. They also slow you down and make you feel bad. You may not notice this feeling because you are used to it, but stop drinking them for a weak and you will see how much better you feel! So, for every time you would regularly reach for a soda; grab a bottle of water instead. This will cut thousands of calories out of your diet a week; calories that are empty and provide us with no nutritional value whatsoever.
DO eat a variety of foods. Variety is the spice of life and you can stay healthy and satisfied by eating a large amount of different foods. Fruits and vegetables are best, but you can add most anything you want. You can even eat some junk food! You do not have to avoid certain foods altogether, simply cut back on them and watch your portion sizes. It is not realistic to say you will never eat junk food again and when you are unrealistic you usually fail in your diet goals.
DON’T work out till the point of exhaustion. Exercise is a good thing and should be done on a daily basis whether you are trying to lose weight or not. It keeps our body’s fit and in shape and makes our body organs healthier as well. However, too much of a good thing is never really good. You do not want to overheat yourself, become dehydrated or faint.
DO work out realistically. Schedule your daily exercise and don’t make up any excuses to get out of it. There of course will be some days where you just cannot do it, but for the most part, make it a rule to exercise every day. Doing it at the same time each day can make it easier and feel like a regular part of your daily routine. Once it is a part of your regular day it becomes hard to carry on without it and this is what you want. Do not overdo yourself. Listen to your body and you will know when enough is enough. Start slowly and as you move ahead your endurance will grow, making it possible for you to do more each day. Make sure you have water with you during your work out so you do not dry out and keep track of your heart rate so you know if you have gone too far. Your heart rate limit is an individual, so ask your doctor what your ideal rate is during exercise.
DON’T use any pills to suppress your appetite. This can be just as dangerous as diet pills.
DO use natural ways to suppress your appetite. Natural is always better and there are many foods and beverages you can drink to help with appetite suppression. For instance, water is the perfect suppressant. Drink a full glass before you eat and you will not be able to finish everything on your plate. This is a good thing because you are still getting the nutrients you need without going overboard. Apples are also a great appetite suppressant. They are high in fiber and this makes you feel full for longer periods of time. Anything that is high in fiber will produce the same results – a sluggish digestion period in which you feel full for a long time after you eat. This is why eggs are so good for breakfast. If you eat two of them before you start your day, you should feel full until lunch.
The most important thing is for you to be safe. Fad diets, pills, over exercising and under eating are all dangerous to your health. The real key to weight loss is a balanced lifestyle. If you can keep things balanced you can meet your goals. Good luck in your endeavors- you can do it!
 

 

 

 

 

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Posted on 4/15/2012 3:00:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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Do It Yourself Wedding Planning

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

No matter how many corners you cut, weddings are expensive. There are two major reasons for couples to tightly budget their weddings these days. For one thing, the economy is very bleak and even if you have $10,000 in your savings account, spending it all on your wedding is not the best idea. That money can be used for the essentials in your married life such as purchasing a new home. Secondly, many parents are unable to help with the cost of their children’s weddings. In the past it was customary for the bride’s parents to foot the bill for the wedding and the groom’s parents took care of the reception. But again, it all goes back to the economy. Many parents cannot afford to give their children the wedding of their dreams anymore no matter how much they would love to. So what do you do if you want an unforgettable wedding day but are on a tight budget?

Wedding Planners
Wedding planners can be your saving grace. They take control of the entire event and get you everything you want. They take care of booking caterers, florists, photographers, etc. However, this fantastic service comes at a hefty price as their fees are not cheap. If you are on a tight budget a wedding planner may not be in the cards for you.
Do it Yourself Weddings
 Do it yourself wedding planning has become a much more popular option when money is tight. You can save a ton of money if you know the tricks of the trade and that is what I am going to share with you. I am by no means an expert at wedding planning but I have learned a lot about how to get good deals since I began planning my sister’s wedding this year.
When she first asked me to do it for her I was very stressed out over it. I was too ill to plan my own wedding so I had no idea how to do it. But, I am happy to report that everything is going very well and we still have 110 days left till she says I Do! And the amazing thing is that we only have $3,000 to plan the entire event! (This was not including her wedding dress.)
To begin with, we choose her dress and wedding colors. This is the first step you should take if you are planning your own wedding or having your wonder sister-in-law do it for you! Once you have these two things decided upon the rest is much easier to deal with. My sister’s colors are white, black and red. Her dress contains a very specific shade of red so we know exactly what we are looking for in way of decorations. Again, this is extremely important because the bulk of the money you have saved will go towards decorations in addition to the hired help and you cannot choose the decorations without knowing the exact color scheme. There are so many accessories that you  must purchase for a wedding. There is the veil, the ring bearer’s pillow, the flower girls basket, the bridal bouquet, the garter and so much more. This may sound like a lot and you may think that these things alone will cost a bundle. However, I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Following is what we have purchased with the $3,000 so far.
·        Garter Belt (Keepsake)
·        Garter Belt (throw away)
·        Formal Glover
·        Ring Bearer Pillow
·        Flower Girl Basket
·        Ribbon (for decoration of dress and veil)
·        Dress Bag for Wedding Gown
·        Brides Bouquet
·        Grooms Corsage
·          1000 Crystal Beads for Decorating
·        100 Flower Petals for Decorating
If you had to guess how much all of this cost, you may say at least $300. However, all of these amazing and beautiful things added up to a total of $164! How did I manage that? It was actually very simple. So many people go to bridal shops and simply assume that they have to spend a lot to get what they want or need. What I did was go to eBay.com. All of the above game from eBay and there several more decorations we will be getting from the same place. This will save us a huge amount of money.
The next important thing that can cost an arm and a leg is the wedding and reception venue. If you do not belong to a church you will have to pay for a place to use for the ceremony and reception. Even if you plan on being married in a church you will have to rent it if you are not a member. Originally  my sister figured that we would save a lot of money by having her wedding in her backyard. However, we found that just the tent rental would cost $800. We would also have rent chairs and tables and set everything up ourselves. Once the ceremony was over we would have to rearrange the entire set up for the reception and then clean everything up afterwards. This would have cost upwards of $1,000 so it no longer seemed like a viable plan. Most other places were very expensive to rent (the botanical gardens was $1,500 not including decorations!) The key here is to shop around and that is exactly what I did. The place I found (and the place where her wedding and reception will be taking place) was a small but beautiful church out in the country. We will have use of it for 2 hours the night before the wedding for the rehearsal and 4 hours for the wedding and reception. They have all the tables and chairs we need as well as a kitchen and three dressing areas. The grounds keeper will set up the tables and chairs for the reception and the only thing we will be responsible for is putting things into the trashcans and wiping down the tables. The church staff will do all the rest of the cleanup including moving the tables and chairs into place. While most of the churches I spoke with wanted between $1,000 and $2,5000 for the exact same services, the one we have chosen is only costing us – I hope you are sitting down - $380! How did I swing this? I did not settle on the first place I looked at. You shop around and compare prices for everything else you buy so why should it be any different for your wedding venue? So, to recap, the total amount spent for her wedding so far is $545.
Of course we still must hire a photographer and pay for the food. The way we are doing these things though will also save us money. Photographers are very expensive so we have placed an ad on Craigslist.com for a hobbyist photographer. They do not charge nearly as much as an established professional and so far the lowest quote we have gotten is $125 for wedding party pictures and video services. Instead of using a florist we are going to craft stores. We are also purchasing decorations there. This should cost us no more than $150. Since a sit down dinner is expensive we are doing finger foods. To feed 100 people it is only going to cost us $300 because we are doing party platters from Subway. If you want to cut cost here even more you can get friends and family to help you prepare food or request that your guests each bring a covered dish so you can do a buffet style feast.
Invitations are also very important. There are many discount sites online where you can get some wonderful invitations. The ones that we choose cost us $53.00 for 100 and they have free personalization and include a free gift of 100 napkins with the bride and grooms name and wedding date on them. All of this brings our total to $1,173. Once we have done all that needs to be done, I estimate that we will have spent only $2000 of the $3000 budget.
You can do the same things that I have so you can have a beautiful and memorable wedding day without going broke in the process. It does take a bit of work and can be frustrating, but in the end it is all worth it. The money you save can go towards your honeymoon or a new home. You can also put it in a savings account and begin saving for your future. I know that planning a wedding for the first time can be scary, so if you are reading this and would like some more tips or information about how I have handled my sister’s wedding planning, feel free to comment and ask questions. I would love to share with you and help to make your day special by helping to save you money!

 

 

 

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Posted on 4/15/2012 2:58:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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Preparing for the First Day of Kindergarten

ByTanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

This August (or September depending upon where you live) hundreds of thousands little ones will be entering school for the very first time. I can still remember my first day of kindergarten. I was so excited and could not wait to ride the bus to school! Even though it was 28 years ago, and it really burns to remember it in those terms, I can still smell the newness of my school supplies and new school clothes. I can still feel the excitement I felt when I first entered my classroom and I still clearly remember how beautiful my teacher, Mrs. Styles, was. It is funny the things we remember about our earliest years. I cannot remember what I had for dinner last week but I can remember a teacher I had 28 years ago! The mind is an amazing contraption indeed.

 The reason I started thinking about my first day of school is because my youngest son will be experiencing his first day of kindergarten this August. Things have changed so much over the years and I find myself wondering if the feeling one gets on their first day of kindergarten is still the same as it was when I was a child. I wonder if Jonathon will remember his first day of school…if he will always be able to recall his first teachers name when he is all grown up like I do. And most of all I wonder how I am going to get along without having my baby with me all day long. I think this is probably something many parents who have 5 year olds starting school this year are feeling, especially stay at home moms who are not used to being separated from their children any longer than a few hours to go shopping or run some sort of other errand. This is what describes me – for the most part at least. The longest I have been away from my youngest son is four days when my husband and I went to Las Vegas for our wedding anniversary. That was when Jonathon was 2 years old so he probably does not even remember this separation. He stays the night with Grandma and Pop Pop once in a blue moon but always prefers to be with Mommy. My oldest son would live with Grandma and Pop Pop if given the choice, but little man is a Mommy’s boy through and through. So you can see why I am concerned about his being in school all day long. However, I find myself wondering who will have a bigger problem with it; me or him? After considering this question, I have come to the conclusion that I will be the one who will be most troubled by the start of the new school year. I know how much my boy loves me. But, I also know that he is going to find a whole new life outside of me once school begins. I think that it will be difficult for him for the first few days, but once he gets there and sees how much fun his days will be, he will soon forget how he cried that first day when I dropped him off at his classroom. At least that is what I hope for him. I could hope that he hates school and is most excited at the end of the day because he gets to come home to me, but that would be selfish. I want him to love school. I want him to learn and to thrive and to make lifelong friends. It is just hard to imagine someone else being his friend when I have been his best friend for nearly 5 years. But, this is all a part of life and growing up, and as our children grow, so must we. Knowing that the day is fast approaching, I have been considering what it will be like to have both of my children in school for the majority of the days. While I will miss Jon terribly, I can see where my life will take on a new shape when he is in school. There are good things attached to his new milestone and I think once I get used to the new way of things, I will be able to enjoy having school age children. For one thing, I will be able to work with much more ease. Working at home has been an absolute blessing for me but there have been days when I could barely get my deadlines met because Jon would not behave. Just like everyone toddler he would do things to drive me crazy and keep me from my work. I have loved being with him through these years but I imagine that I will be able to get so much more done when he is in school. Also, maybe when we have this time apart we will grow closer. Maybe he will miss me all the more and this will strengthen our mom/son relationship. I know this was true for my oldest son Steven and me so maybe it will be for Jon and me as well.

 Letting go can be so hard when it comes to our children. We wonder if they will be okay without you. You wonder if the other children will be nice to them. You wonder if they are ready to be in the school environment. You wonder so many things that they cannot be listed in one place. The thing is, wondering too much will drive you nuts. We have to keep in mind that our kids are stronger and braver then we think they are and that they will probably handle their first day of school with more finesse then we will. Some kids do cry on their first day of school, but if you take a look around you are likely to see that there are more moms crying than kids. This speaks volumes as to who the stronger one in the relationship is. As for Jon and I, I imagine I am the weaker link and he will be the one comforting me as I leave him in his classroom. Overall, I am pretty excited about the new school year and so is Jonathon. I am looking forward to shopping for his school clothes and supplies. I am looking forward to hearing him tell me about all the new things he is doing and learning. I look forward to him becoming a better person through knowledge. If I just keep in mind all of the things that I am looking forward to about this new experience, I think I can successfully make it through his first few days of school. I already am confident that he will be just fine. That does not mean he will not miss spending his days with me, it simply means that I did well in loving him, caring for him and preparing him for the newest journey in his young life. Good luck to all you mommies out there who have to let go this August. My heart is with you!

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Posted on 3/1/2012 7:24:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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Martial Arts, More Than Just Self Defense

ByTanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

 

 

I am the type of mom who really likes to have her children involved in whatever they can be involved in. As a child, I wanted so much to take dance or gymnastics but the opportunity never afforded itself to me. I think this is why I try to keep my son involved in extracurricular activities so much. Do not mistake me for a stage parent or soccer mom though. Whatever activity my son does he does on his own accord and he enjoys it more than I do! I love to watch anything he is involved in but if he finds no joy in it than we move on. When he turned 4 we tried Tee Ball. He seemed to like to alright for the first week but by the time the season was over (it only lasts 2 months for kids his age) he told me he did not like playing. When fall came we signed up for soccer and for 2 months he enjoyed running around with the other kids but never really gained any momentum as a player. (Yes I know he is only 4!) He said he would like to play again next year but in the meantime I had to find something else for him to be involved in! I gave him the choice between gymnastics and martial arts. Of course he went with the later and I was stuck allowing it. I kept saying to myself “I cannot believe I am letting my son go to a class that will teach him how to fight!” I took him to his first Kobushi-Do class, a form of martial arts that is heavy on the teachings of karate during the formative years of the lessons (ages 3 to 6). I took him to this very first class and I was very happy to find that the things I was picturing were not reality!
I do not know what I expected; maybe that I would walk in the Dojo to find people smacking each other and doing karate chops all over the place? I really was not sure what to expect but it was not what I found! So, for all of you parents out there have kids who would like to take martial arts classes but are apprehensive to allow them too, read on so that maybe I can help to ease your nerves.
Our first night at Kobushi-Do class, the Sensei, also known as Shihan, spoke with the parents and the children about what to expect from the classes. He gave us a list of rules and the class format sheet so everyone would know what to expect each time they came. (Jon goes twice per week). Here is what a child’s Kobushi-Do class looks like:
  • Bow in
  • Warm up and 1st game time
  • Special training
  • Rolling
  • Grab escapes
  • Balance and time training
  • 2nd game time
Though it looks pretty simple, there is so much more going on than what you see in those words. The first thing on the list is the bow in. This was the first thing the children learned. They line up in front of Sensei and wait for him to say “Ray”, which means bow, and the children bow back and say “Kobushi-Do”. Now the class can begin. They begin by doing a few laps around the mat and some warm up exercises. Game time can be anything that helps them learn balance or technique. Sometimes it is dodge ball and sometime it is limbo. Sensei has several games for them to play.
Special training really is special. Each week it is something different but it always begins with the Magic Words of Wisdom. There are 18 words/phrases that the children must remember.
  • Say “yes/no ma’am/sir” to adults
  • Always say thank you and your welcome
  • Always say please when you ask for something
  • Always remember to say excuse me or pardon me
  • Say you are sorry  when you make a mistake or hurt someone
  • Never lie to parents or teachers
  • Never steal
  • Treat your parents and teachers with respect
  • Do not argue with your brothers or sisters
  • Do not talk to or respond to strangers
  • Always tell your parents if someone is touching or talking to you in a way that makes you feel funny
  • Make sure to clean up after yourself at home and at school
  • Always keep your promises
  • Share your toys
  • Do not treat others meanly
  • Never be a bully
  • It is better to forgive than to stay angry
These are some fantastic rules to live by! Even though our children have heard them all from us, when it comes from their martial arts teacher it somehow hits home harder. (My son is now the captain of our homes polite police!)
The special training varies from class to class. Last week the children watched a movie called Stranger Beware. This video talked about stranger danger and how to defend yourself against someone who is trying to take you. I was very impressed with the whole thing and amazingly enough, my four year old can recite every rule and defensive move to me about dealing with strangers! That makes a mom feel really good! Next week they will focus on bullying. This is so important with how much things have changed in schools since I was a child. Knowing that my son will be able to stand up to bullies and defend himself also makes me feel good.
So overall, martial arts have been an excellent way for my little boy to get out his energy, get creative and really learn some important life lessons. The main thing you need to do to prepare your child to learn self defense skills is that they are only to be used for self defense. We had to have a serious talk with my son before the classes began. I feel confident that what we said hit home and that he understands. His skills are improving, along with his self-esteem, and I feel good about having him involved in something so special! Maybe you will find out that your child can benefit from this activity as well!
 

 

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Posted on 2/21/2012 3:57:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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The Importance of Sleep

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

 

 

Whether you realize it or not, sleep plays a very large role in our lives. In fact, at least 1/3 of our entire life is spent sleeping! When we are children we hate to do it and as adults we cannot get enough of it, but either way you look at it, sleep is something we must have. You may be surprised to learn what sleep does for our bodies and what the effects of not getting enough it can be.

The Importance of Sleep for Children                                                                                                           

Children burn a lot of energy during the daytime hours. Their only real resting period (and yours!) is during slumber. It is recommended that school aged children should get between 10 and 12 hours of sleep each night to get the maximum benefits that sleep provides. But why is it so important to get enough sleep? What does it do?
·        When you child is young, their brains are in developmental overload. Sleep helps to restore the brains functions in order for your child to be able to learn each day. It also gives their brains a rest from the flurry of activity it processes throughout the daytime hours.
·        When a child does not get enough sleep it can lead to obesity. Sleep helps to keep hormones balanced and when you are not getting enough, these hormones have a harder time balancing out and in turn they do not properly regulate feelings of hunger. This can lead to overeating which is a major childhood issue right now.
·        Lack of sleep in childhood has also been associated with ADHD and behavioral problems. When a child’s brain is not well rested they tend to act ways they are not even consciously aware of.
·        For a child that stays overly tired, snoring can occur, even at very young ages. When infants snore it can delay their overall development.
·        If your child experiences night terrors, you may want to evaluate the amount of sleep they are getting. Night terrors are made worse when a child is deprived of the proper amount of sleep.
·        Lack of sleep can cause memory problems. This is because memory consolidation happens when you are asleep. When we do not get enough sleep this consolidation cannot occur and this can lead to short and long term memory loss.
·        During the REM period of sleep, your child unlearns certain things. This is very important! Think of it like this. Your child has just learned how to ride a bike. The first 20 times that they tired, they fell off. However, the 21st time they mastered it! When they sleep they dump out the superfluous memories and keep the important learned lessons. This means that when the go to get on their bike they automatically do what they did on the 21st time, having unlearned how to fall off the bike! Sleep deprivation can make it to where these types of things are not unlearned and new skills may begin to slip away, only to have to be relearned all over again.
·        Children who get enough sleep tend to perform better in all areas of their lives. Plus, having a child who gets enough sleep also gives you the chance to get the amount of sleep you need! It is a win-win situation!

The Importance of Sleep in Adults

Sleep is not just important for children. As adults, we still need enough sleep to function right and stay healthy. It is recommended that adults get at least 8 hours of sleep per night.  Below you will find the top reasons why sleep plays an important part in our lives as well!
  • Becoming sleep deprived can be very dangerous. It effects hand-eye coordination which is needed to do many tasks each day. Take driving for example. This requires good reaction time and attention span. When someone who has not had enough sleep gets behind the wheel it is as bad as if they are intoxicated. And speaking of intoxication, those who are not getting enough sleep and who drink get affected more quickly by the alcohol which can make for some dangerous situations.
  • As we get older our memory begins to falter a bit. This is a natural part of aging but it is magnified 100% when you do not sleep enough.
  • Adults who do not get enough sleep are moodier during the day and have a hard time concentrating at the tasks the need to accomplish. This can lead to damage of relationship and job loss.
  • Studies have shown that adults who do not get the proper amount of sleep have a lower immune system. This is because the body is not being given enough time to rest and restore itself before being slung back into motion.
  • Studies have also shown that adults who do not sleep enough are more likely to have irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure and increased levels of stress.
  • Finally and maybe most importantly, getting enough sleep at night has been tied to helping people avoid cancer or fighting it off if it has already been diagnosed. Of course getting your rest will not cure cancer or stop it if it is going to infect you, but every little thing helps when it comes to this horrible illness so why not at least take it into consideration and get more sleep just in case?

Go to Bed! Why? Because I Said So!

No matter how young or old you are, it is a proven fact that your overall wellbeing and health is effected by how much sleep you get at night. Millions of people suffer from sleep deprivation. Some people do not get enough sleep because of stress in their lives or other things that keep them awake and worrying. For some it is due to insomnia, which is a curable disorder. Others just shirk sleep because they have so much to do (like me for instance!) No matter what the reason, the bottom line is that sleep is essential for keeping us happy and healthy. So, even though it may be difficult to get into the habit of going to bed earlier, it is something that your body will thank you for in a million and one ways! Now it is time for me to get some rest, so good night everyone!

 

 

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Posted on 2/7/2012 1:44:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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New Years Resolutions

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

 

A New Year has arrived and with a New Year comes new hopes and dreams just bursting to be fulfilled. The ball dropping at midnight symbolizes a new beginning where anything is possible and anything can happen. The clock striking 12 is like a magical moment when everything becomes new and exciting and this is when we make ourselves promises for the dawning of the new era. These promises, or New Year’s resolutions, can be good for our lives but very often this is not how they turn out. Many people shoot for the stars when making life changing affirmations about how they will be in the New Year and by going overboard, set themselves up for failure. I am not saying this to discourage you from making a New Year’s resolution but rather to help you see that the promises we make ourselves for 2012 need to be things that are obtainable, reasonable and reality based.

The Most Common Resolutions 

When someone makes a New Year’s resolution, it is typically one of the following:
·        Lose weight
·        Get in better shape
·        Quit Smoking
These are all great promises to make yourself. The problem is that for many people, all three of them are wrapped up into one big promise. Let me explain by using my own experience as an example. I have resolved all three of these things many times, failing each and every time. The reason behind my failure was because I promised myself all three of these things at once. Here was my thinking; If I am going to quit smoking I will likely gain weight. That is where the lose the few extra pounds I already have in order to beat the no smoking weight gain came in. And, since I am going to be losing weight, I may as well get certain areas into better shape as well. (Flatter tummy, thinner thighs, etc.) So, there I am, wearing a nicotine patch, running on the treadmill and counting calories. At first it is going well, but after about a week or two I am faltering in every area of my multiple resolutions. This is because the promises I made to myself were unrealistic. If you take each one by itself, the goal is totally obtainable. However, put all of them together and I set myself up for failure. What I should have done was chosen one resolution and that is what I did this year. Number one is quit smoking. My thinking was that it is much harder for me to exercise if I was out of breath all the time because of the smoking. The weight gain still bothered me so I did something new this year. I am giving myself 3 months on the smoking resolution. As long as I complete that goal I can move on to phase 2 of the New Year’s resolution; getting in better shape. Without smoking for 3 months it should be much easier to work out and since the smoking habit is kicked, it will not get in the way of my completing the getting in shape goal. Getting in shape will help me to lose the weight I need to lose and all of a sudden, I will have completed my list of resolutions, all without overwhelming myself. At least that is how I hope it will go. I do think I have a much stronger chance of getting all of this done by taking it in doses.

Why Multiple Resolutions Do Not Work

Taking on too many resolutions can be overwhelming. If you are trying to stop something as addictive as smoking, becoming overwhelmed is the worst thing that can happen; It will make you want to smoke even more. But, even if one of your resolutions is not about quitting the smoking habit, taking on several at once can cause an emotional breakdown. You never want to overextend yourself. It is bad for you mentally and physically and the biggest issue, at least for me, was that if I back slid even a little on any one of the resolutions, I felt guilty. It was as if I had let myself down by failing when the real problem was I took on too much and I am only human. Once I was able to put things into perspective, I realized that I should only be taking on a little bit at a time, and by going that route I could accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish. The main ingredient to keeping your New Year’s resolution is to be patient and understand that veering off course sometimes is ok. Simply get back on track and keep on going.

Making it Through to the Next Year

When you make your New Year’s resolution, do it with resolve, but keep in mind that you may not be able to succeed; at least not in the way you envisioned. If your goal is to quit smoking, do not beat yourself up if you have a cigarette, just resolve not to do it again and get right back on the wagon. If your resolution is to lose 10 pounds and you break down and have a cheeseburger for lunch, you are not a failure. You are a hungry human with a weakness for cheeseburgers. Simply start again and stay away from tempting situations. No matter what goal you are trying to meet, it is inevitable that you will have a few weak moments and meet with some struggle. Back sliding is not failure, it is human. You have only failed if when you back slide, you give up on your goal. If you keep these things in mind you have a much better chance of making it to the next year with your promise intact! Wish me luck making it to 2013 with my resolutions intact and I will be sending positive energy your way as well!

 

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Posted on 1/15/2012 5:17:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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My Christmas Message For You

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

 

 

With the holiday season upon us there have been some things weighing heavy on my heart that I wanted to share with my readers. If we are lucky, we know that the holidays are something that is shared with the three F’s: Family, Friends and Food. I do not know what is typical for all families, only my own, so we will begin there.

Holiday Celebrations

Our family is quite large and diverse so our celebrations begin before the big days even arrive. On Saturday December 17th we had my mother-in-laws Christmas celebration. Here we all gathered (all 20 of us) and ate turkey, ham, dressing, sweet potato casserole and enjoyed a huge spread of deserts. We exchanged Christmas gifts and watched all of our children glow as they beheld the magic of Christmas. (They all glow when presents are involved.) On Sunday December 16th we gathered once again to celebrate the Christmas holiday with my father-in-law. (Again, all 20 of us.) We ate the same foods and opened more presents and again, watched our children being happy and healthy. Next we have a celebration on Tuesday the 20th for the first night of Hanukkah. We will eat beef brisket, blintzes and lakatas and applesauce.  My youngest son will light the candles on this first night, as per tradition and the Menorah will glow for another year. (This is the first and only Menorah I have ever used and has been a fixture in my life since the day I was born.) After the candles are lit I will read my children the story of Hanukkah and once again, there will be presents. Finally, on December 25th we will have our biggest celebration of all. The night before I will stay up very late wrapping gifts from Santa. We will rise at 6am when our boys wake up and realize that Santa has come. My parents and my sister-in-law (who I am also lucky enough to call my best friend) and her family will arrive to watch the children open their presents. As we are opening gifts another of my best and oldest friends will be in my kitchen making homemade chipped beef for all of us to eat after we are finished opening the piles of presents. Once we are all stuffed from breakfast and tired from the joy of the morning, it is time to make Christmas dinner. Once again we will feast on all different holiday foods and our children will be happy and content. You may be asking yourself where I am going with this, but trust me, I do have a point.

Life, Love and Happiness

From what you can tell from the above passage, I am a very lucky person. I have many holiday celebrations to look forward to. I have a large family to share the holidays with. We always have big feasts of wonderful food. Our children have more presents than they know what to do with and they have enough food to keep them full and happy and healthy. Even though I cannot give them everything they asked for in their Santa letters, they want for nothing and are loved by all their family and friends. If my husband and I found ourselves unable to buy them their holiday gifts they still would not go without as our family would do whatever they had to in order to provide for our children and we would do the same for them.  So my point is, that of all the families in the world, ours has very little to complain about. Because we are so lucky, it weighs on my heart that there are many who are not. The purpose of my blogs is usually to give advice on how to overcome certain mental health disorders and educate about all things dealing with psychology. But, because of the time of year and my own realization of just how good my children have it, I wanted to write on the human condition and the spirit of the season that should move us all. There are children, who upon waking up on Christmas morning, find that Santa did not visit their house. There are children who do not get turkey and dressing. There are no pies and cakes for many children, and for the most unfortunate ones, there is no heat or warm clothing either. There are boys and girls who must celebrate the holidays in orphanages. There are those who will only get to see their mommy or daddy over a Skype call because they are in a foreign land fighting for our country. There are children and parents who must celebrate the holidays without their loved ones due to separation by the miles of by the separation of worlds. These are the things that my heart aches about all year long, but especially during the time of year when families are supposed to be surrounded by the warmth and love of each other.

Suffer not the Little Children

Knowing all of these heartbreaking things, it is hard not to think of all the good we have in our lives. What we should be thinking about though, is what good we can do in the lives of others. I am a firm believer that if you are lucky enough to be able to give to your children and to keep them fed and full that you should do whatever you can to help people who are not that lucky. It can be difficult to give and this I know from experience. Maybe you think that the adult who cannot give to their children are unable to do so because they will not work or they are drug addicts or that they are just bad parents. And maybe you are hesitant to give because of these thoughts. I felt this way long ago – before I had children of my own. I was of the mind that if a parent was unable to care for their children properly that they were most likely unfit parents. I used to think that if I gave to a family who was poor or homeless that the chance of my charity going to the children was very slim; that the parents would use what I gave them to buy their substance of choice. After growing as a person and becoming educated in real life, I no longer feel this way. I came to the realization that if a parent cannot afford to buy their child Christmas presents that it did not mean that they were bad parents. I realized that if a family cannot afford to keep healthy food on the table it did not mean that they were negligent or uncaring. I learned this because I have felt the impact of the lean years myself now that I am responsible for two other lives. Of all that I have come to realize, I think that the most important is that no matter the reasons that these children do not have food or presents on the holidays that it is not their fault. The children should not be the ones suffering due to the mistakes of the parents. The children should not be the ones suffering because the economy is in a depression. We all have a different view on what the holidays are about and the majority opinion is that Christmas is not about getting presents. While this is true, a huge part of the excitement of Christmas for little ones is the expectation of Santa’s arrival.  No child should have to wake up on Christmas morning to find that Santa did not come. No child should have to long for a hot meal when food is so plentiful. So, overall, I have learned that the reason a child has no present or meal for the holidays matters not. What matters is that they deserve to have these things. The lesson here is suffer not the little children and it is quite fitting for the holiday season.

In the End….

the love you take is equal to the love you make. Think about all of these things this holiday season – I know that I will. As I clean out my son’s bedrooms tomorrow, I will keep in mind that they toys I am getting rid of in order to make room for the new Christmas gifts they will get next weekend would make the holidays special for a child who may not be getting any other gifts. If you think that you do not know such a child then I challenge you to find one. However, I think you would probably be surprised to know that such a child may be no further then next door. When you are shopping for the ingredients to make your holiday feast, keep in mind that there is likely a family that you already know who will not be having anything to eat on Christmas. Give yourself a gift by inviting someone less fortunate than yourself to enjoy your holiday meal with you. If you are one of the lucky ones, like me, then I urge you to share your good fortune, if only on Christmas. Making a child smile and knowing that for at least one day their stomach will not be empty is a gift that you will never regret giving. Watch out though; giving can be highly contagious and you may be compelled to do so all year long.  

 

 

 

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Posted on 12/19/2011 7:45:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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Getting Through Those Holiday Blues

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

 

While many songs will impress upon us that the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, this is not the case for some people. For some people, the holidays are a source of stress, sadness and overall depression. Getting though the holidays when you feel like this can be a difficult task, especially when it seems that everyone around you is happy and excited.

 

What Causes Holiday Blues?
There are many things that can make the holidays a sad time for a person.
·       Finances
·       Family death
·       Family being far away
·       Loneliness
These are just a few reasons for holiday depression. Each person is different and has different reasons for feeling down during what is supposed to be the most festive time of the year.
Spend, Spend, Spend
For many, the major theme for the holidays is spending. When we have children this cannot be avoided. The little ones want Santa to bring them many things and they eagerly await Christmas morning and the presents they are expecting to find under the Christmas tree. This can be very hard for a family whose financial situation is bleak. For a parent, it is heartbreaking to know that you cannot afford to get your child presents for Christmas. Even if you can afford to get one or two gifts, it is still hard knowing that their friends will get much more then they will. Parents do not ever want their children to feel slighted by Santa, a figure who they are told love all of them equally. How to do you explain to a child why Santa only brought them a small toy and a sweater when the little boy down the road got a go-cart and a video game system? So, what can you do? While there is no perfect answer here, I have found one option to be effective. While you can still allow your child to believe in Santa you can also let them know that you work with Santa to get their presents. Only you know what you can afford to do and you can pass this onto your child by telling them that while Santa brings the toys they want for Christmas you have to pay Santa for them. By doing this you are able to sit down with your child and help them make a list of all they want, guiding them to what you can afford to do. Let them know that Santa cannot give them all the things on their list so they should pick out a few things that they really want to have and see what happens. By doing it like this, they understand that you have a part in Santa’s delivery and you have the chance to get those few items that they really want above all else.
Loss of Loved Ones
Ever since my grandparents passed away, the holidays have never been the same and are a source of sadness for me. I imagine that this is a factor for many people during the holidays. For those who have had a loved one pass right near the holiday it can be even worse. Just yesterday a little boy in my town was killed by a car while leaving the town Christmas Parade. Imagine how his parents feel and then know that the holiday season will always be a source of great pain for them from here on out. Loss is never easy and death does not discriminate. The holidays can be a painful reminder of these facts. After you lose someone important in your life, the holidays may never be the same again. There is little you can do about this. However, I was given some advice from a good friend on Thanksgiving of this year. She told me that things will always change and sadness over loss will always linger. However, it does not have to overtake the happiness of the season. Take the time to be thankful for those you do have in your life and make new holiday memories and traditions for your own children to cherish. While this may not have any effect on everyone, it did work on me. It helped me to realize that while I had fond memories of past holidays that I will never again experience, it was my duty to ensure that my children have them as well. This has helped me to put things in better perspective and allow me to feel a bit more lighthearted then I previously did.
Far Away Family
Another issue that many people deal with around the holidays is not being able to go home and be with family. With so many families being scattered around the country, it can be difficult to make it home for Christmas/Hanukkah. Not being able to be with loved ones during a season made for family can be depressing and lonely. With the economy what it is, travel is not always a possibility. It is even more experience than usual around the holidays. Knowing that your family is thinking of you is not always enough but there are other ways of being together on the holidays even if you cannot be in the same house. Technology is a great thing when it comes to communication. On Christmas morning you can place a Skype call to your family and have some face to face time. If nothing will make you happy except making it home, then starting a savings account at the start of the year can be very helpful in making travel possible. Put it in a Christmas club account to ensure that you cannot touch it until December.
Help Those in Need of Holiday Cheer
If you know how it feels to have the holiday blues it is a nice idea to reach out to others who are experiencing those same feelings of sadness. If you have a family to spend the holidays with and know someone who does not, invite them to join in the festivities with your family. Doing so would mean so much to someone who is sad and alone. If you are alone on the holidays, reach out to others that are alone as well. You can all have your own special day together. Talking about the reason for your sadness with people who understand it can be very helpful in lifting your spirits. Plus, by doing this you may have started a new holiday tradition!
Though the holidays may be a source of pain,  it does not have to be incurred alone. Feelings of sadness during the holiday season are very common and there are many who feel your pain and are willing to share their own with you. Reach out to your family and friend and even to strangers. You may be surprised at how much happier you can feel by unburdening yourself and finding a silver lining. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to all of my readers. May this holiday pass with love and joy filling your hearts, memories of holidays past and the beginning of new traditions.

 

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Posted on 12/7/2011 1:56:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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Places to Inspire Your Child's Love of History

By Tanya Glover
Tanya Glover

Theravive.com Contributor

 

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~George Santayana
 As a huge history buff, I want so much for my children to have a love for it as well. To me, history tells a story much better than fiction and teaches us to better understand the world around us. The questions “who are we” and “where did we come from” are answered through history. These are important questions in defining the world as we know it and understanding the worldviews of others. There are many places I want to be able to take my children for this purpose. These places are good for family fun and make history something that is enjoyable to young minds. Hopefully, they will inspire a  love of history for my children and yours as well.

Charleston, South Carolina

Charleston, South Carolina is brimming with history. This is a perfect vacation spot to learn about a very important part of our nation’s history, catch some sun on the beautiful beaches and get a great seafood meal. Charleston is where the Civil War began. The first shot was fired from Fort Sumter, which is visible from Battery Park. You and your family can get on the ferry boat and cruise over to the fort for a tour. This can be an exciting for children, especially if they have never been on a ferry ride. The fort is in excellent condition and has been preserved very well. The tour will make this era come alive for both children and adults, making all involved want to know more of the history surrounding Charleston and the Civil War. In addition to the tour of Fort Sumter, there are several homes and plantations in Charleston that can make history touch your child’s mind. The best one that I experienced as a child was Boone Hall Plantation. Here you will tour the main house on the plantation. It contains most of the original furniture and has the slave quarters intact for exploring as well. (The history of slavery in the United States has always been of interest to me since being introduced to it in Charleston.) The tours are given by people in period dress, making it fun for children and allowing them to really experience that time in history. To inspire your child’s love for history, Charleston is a must.

Salem, Massachusetts

Many children love witches, ghosts and goblins. This is why Salem is the perfect place to take a vacation if you want to get them into history. Massachusetts was one of the original 13 colonies so it has much history to share. Here your child can learn about the Puritan people, their way of life and what it was like to live in Massachusetts during the 1600’s. They may be especially interested in the Salem Witch Trials that took place in 1692. There are several places in Salem to learn about this time in history but the most visited is the Salem Witch Museum. There you will find out about the bleak time in history where regular people were accused of being supernatural beings and being put to death for their “crimes”. The most compelling feature of this museum is the stage show that is given. It is a dramatic showing and really pulls you back into history. As a child I remember reading the book about the Witch Trials and being so taken with the history that I had to know more. Most children enjoy stories about witches so Salem is the perfect place to show them their real part in history.

Washington, D.C.

Our nation’s capital is a great place to get your children involved in history. There are so many things to do that can spark their interest in the past and keep them wanting to learn more. One must see in D.C. is the Smithsonian Museum. It would be more accurate to say museums as there are 19 separate sites for the Smithsonian. The museum of American history is a fantastic collection of history that will excite your children’s minds.  Here they can see our first president’s uniform, Thomas Jefferson’s lap desk and the ruby slippers worn by Dorothy herself in the movie the Wizard of Oz. They will also see historic items left behind by first ladies’, original machines that were built for communication, items from everyday domestic homes and pieces of original military history. You can then head over to the air and space museum and learn about air travel, starting with its birth. The very first plane constructed by the Wright Brothers in on display and is a big hit with children. Space travel is also well illustrated and the night sky can come to life in the show seen in the planetarium. From American history to the American Indian Museum and the history of space travel to the history of motor car travel, you can spend a week going through all the collections contained within the halls of the Smithsonian buildings. Looking back, I can honestly say that this location was the top inspiration I had for falling in love with history. But, the museums are not place to go for historic inspiration. The White House and the Lincoln Memorial are also fantastic places to visit. These tell the story of our nation’s birth and history in a way that one will never forget.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

 Even though Washington, D.C. is our nation’s capital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is the birthplace of America herself. This is the place where the founding fathers of our country lived and the place where the Declaration of Independence was signed. If you want your children to really understand how the country was born, this is the place to go. One of the coolest attractions for your child in this town is The Liberty Bell. The history of the bell will be explained right down to the visible crack in its side and why it is an important symbol for America. Your next stop should be Independence Hall. Here you will get the tour of a lifetime. Guides dressed in period clothing will take you through the hall where the Declaration of Independence was signed and re-enact that important day in history. Finally, you should not miss Franklin Court. This is the spot in which Benjamin Franklin’s home stood. Though it was burned to the ground long ago, there is a steal framed outline where the house once sat and a post office in which you can send someone special a post card that has the hand stamped post mark made with the original stamp belonging to Franklin himself. How many children can say that they held Benjamin Franklin’s post mark stamp in their very own hands?
The places I have spoken of are a few of the many historic places that your children will love. You do not even have to leave your own state to find history that will inspire your children. History is everywhere. If travel is not possible, begin in your own town’s historic society. Learning about the history of your own town can get that spark going. Once this happens the flame will grow and your children will hunger for more information from the past.

 

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Posted on 12/7/2011 1:43:00 PM by Tanya Glover

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