Theravive

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad.

No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss.

Overcoming loss

A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time.

After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine.

You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out.  You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time?  What will it be like to be alone?  Will you ever find someone else, or even want to?

• Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling.
• Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it.
• Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses.
• Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them.

Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it.

Lessons learned

From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience.

To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup.

As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Missing out

Many children are missing out on the joys of childhood, because pushy parents are trying to ensure their babes are in vogue with the most popular social cachet.

Shocking statistics, revealed in a recent study, suggests that pushy parents “over timetable” their children. They have school, followed by extra-curricular activities and clubs.

After spending 32.5 hours a week in school, add too that six hours of homework, seven more hours of parent to child teaching through play. Top it off with five hours a week reading together. Then, include as many as three activities a week, such as music, sports or other clubs. Totaling a whopping 53 hours a week pushy parents are “working” their kids; leaving them exhausted.

It is hard to imagine that a large number of parents are inadvertently working their children into exhaustion.

The push

The insatiable appetite to have their child succeed drives pushy parents to make good choices turn bad. For the most part, parents want the best for their children, and believe that enrolling them in sports or other team activities will help them grow socially.

The fear that grips parents concerning their children’s development, as related to them being on the same level as their peers, can be overwhelming. Instinct kicks in, to divide and conquer any possible threat standing in the path of success.

Within the realm of competitiveness, of which we work and play in, it can appear that the best jobs, schools and opportunities go to the swiftest, brightest and most socially engaged. While in part true, if this mindset becomes a part of parents drive for their children, it can become dangerous.

It no longer is about the child’s development, it is about success at any cost. Because of a near emotional breakdown--of a five-year-old--the study further revealed the parents removed their child from his extra-curricular activities. He was completely exhausted and worn down.

Pushing our children to excel in activities we choose for them at an early age, is often more pressure than necessary to put upon them. Parents begin to teach their toddlers how to recite the alphabet, or count to ten, years before they enter pre-school.

Others, go to the extremes of sabotaging their children’s nemesis--whether real or imagined to be so. Countless stories resonate through the airwaves of very harmful events, even death, caused by a pushy parent wanting their child to be on top.

But the more realistic day-to-day reality is that parents are simply desirous to be as hands-on as they can with their children. However, taking inventory and admitting this can be difficult for a parent.

Restore the joy

Children will perform poorly when exhausted, and will ultimately excel at very little, or worse yet, nothing. The purpose by which started the push to excel then thwarted, by over scheduling your children.

Exploration by natural curiosity brings about a great deal of knowledge and development, when children are allowed to play and be. Assess the time you are taking out of your child’s life with extra-curricular activities, and regroup if necessary.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Time becomes our taskmaster

Living in a society where our time is invaded at every turn, whether from cell phones, faxes, computers, skype, IMs, text, or other signals crossing our sphere, burnout is a real concern.

Burnout occurs when what you are doing, just doesn’t work for you anymore. Your once enthusiastic approach to a task now drains you, or feelings of apathy are more the norm, rather than hope and success.

When juggling work, family and social lives, time can become our taskmaster instead of our friend. Finding balance in your life will liberate you, and allow you to overcome burnout.

Signs of burnout

Often, when burnout, people drive themselves harder to makeup for deficits emotionally, physical or otherwise. Denial that a problem exists is common; therefore, identifying signs of burnout is important to our emotional and physical health.

Five signs of burnout:

• Irritability  When a person feels out of control or unable to mange their life, work or family commitments as desired, they can become troubled. Often this is manifested in the form or irritation or aggravation. When burnout occurs, this state is more constant. You may lash out at co-workers or loved ones.
• Trouble sleeping  Being stressed out and have multiple deadlines or unfinished business, can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sleep deprivation will cause you to perform poorly.
• Lack of energy  As burnout creeps in, your energy level drops. A lack of caring or concern sets in, and productivity goes down the drain.
• Concentration issues  Problems concentrating are common with burnout. When faced with overwhelming schedules and tasks, concentrating can be difficult.
• Emotional distress  When someone is burnout, being overly emotional is common. For example, you may burst into tears over a seemingly minor incident. On the other hand, you can begin to isolate yourself, and show no emotion to varying circumstances. Either can lead to depression.

Overcoming burnout

Identifying burnout is only part of the solution. Overcoming burnout takes commitment and work on your part. Below are some practical solutions you can implement in your life to eliminate burnout, and enrich your life.

Five steps to balance:

• Learn to say NO  Over commitment is common, and a part of the reason people burnout. While it is important to please the boss, assess your current workload before saying yes to the next deadline. Perhaps you should allow someone else to drive the soccer team to and from games, or provide the snacks.
• Get moving  Putting exercise in your schedule can make a world of difference. Exercise helps eliminate stress, clears the mind and keeps the body fit.
• Prioritize  Assess what you are responsible for presently, and make a list. Evaluate and eliminate. Complete outstanding items that are most important or pressing, and delegate less important tasks to others as appropriate.
• Get support  A healthy, happy life includes people we enjoy being around; those that bring joy and positive support to our lives. Identify the people that make up your support system. Others are in our lives to help us, co-workers, family, friends, clergy and counselors.
• Let go  Learn to let go of things you cannot control. You cannot save the world. Let go of any guilt you may feel about not being able to do it all.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Relationships, hormones and pressures

Teenage years are challenging for the teen and parents. Maintaining an open and communicative relationship with your teen is vital as they move through adolescence.

Hormonal changes, mood swings and peer pressure are a part of the growth process, however, it is important to be aware of subtle, and overt signs that trouble may be on the horizon.

While some unusual behavior is normal with teens, knowing your teen--how they generally react and interact with you--will help in identifying potential problems.

Red Flags

Following are signs to watch for that may indicate your teen is headed down the wrong path.

• Isolation:  During adolescence, a teenager typically distances themselves a bit more than before from family. Yet, if your teen is avoiding your advances toward conversation and interaction, there may be a problem. If they spend more time away from home or alone, locked in their room, a red flag should go up. This can be an indication of drug use or depression.
• Sudden weight loss and/or appetite change:  This behavior is indicative of peer and social pressures to look a certain way. An eating disorder, depression or drug use can be at the root of this conduct.
• Extreme mood swings:  Mood swings are a common thing with teens. Therefore, it is a bit more difficult to discern what is problematic and what is normal. However, knowing your teens normal reactions will assist you follow up accordingly. This behavior could be a sign of social problems; hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meet your teen’s friends and their parents. Know who they are spending their time with and what values their parents hold dear.
• Declining grades or lack of interest in school/activities:  Since teens have so much on their minds, at times, a lack of interest in school work could be chalked up as normal. However, if their grades are falling sharply, they are cutting classes and pulling out of activities once enjoyed, it is time to check-in. Get to know your teen’s teachers and find a way of communicating with them on a regular basis. Be involved in your adolescence education and school activities.
• Motivation issues: If your once spunky teen suddenly begins to seem more tired, and uninterested in hobbies and former friends, they could have a problem with substance abuse. They could be depressed or feeling isolated and alone. Talk with them, let them know you care. Be available to listen, love and offer advice, if needed.

Get Involved

If your teen is showing signs of unusual behavior, it is the parents’ responsibility to get to the bottom of what is going on. A child wants to know you are concerned and interested, even if they do not act like it.

It may feel like to you that you are spying on them or invading their privacy when checking up on them. Press forward, as it could mean the difference between life and death.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Bullying: a new epidemic?

Bullying is becoming an epidemic in our schools, cyberspace, parks and other areas where kids hang out. Its affect on children can be lasting, even following them into adulthood. It is vital to deal with bullying swiftly and lovingly.

The times of a simple trip in the isle, just for the fun of it, between friends has passed. Today children are faced with far more intimidating tactics.

Often, kids are attacked while others look on, without going for, or helping the victim. Children are often afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of retaliation.

Know the signs

Identifying the signs of bullying is a key element in protecting your child, and keeping them safe.

Your child’s behavior will offer tell-tale signs bullying may be occurring. Following are a few things to watch for:

• Lack of appetite
• Decreased interest in school/social activities
• Few, if any close friends
• Trouble sleeping
• Stomach aches and other ailments
• Unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes
• Missing or damaged personal items
• Anxiety
• Isolation

How you can help 

If you notice you child manifesting any, or a number of these behaviors, it is time to talk--reach out with a kind, loving arm. Get as many details as you can about the bullying incidents. They may be reluctant to speak to you about the situation at first. Often this is because of misplaced blame or shame.

It is important to reassure your child they are safe. Express how much you want to help them overcome this situation. They are likely not the only child being harassed by the bully.

Talk with school officials, such as the counselor, principal or other significant policy makers about the danger your child is facing.

Be persistent, and follow up. Ensure changes are made to eliminate the threat. Furthermore, depending on the type of abuse your child is being subject to, criminal charges may be in order.

Talk to your child about how to handle the bullying. Encourage them to remain calm when confronted. Tell them to be firm when they speak to the aggressor. Offer suggestions of what they may say, such as: “Stop what you are doing right now.” Stress the importance of walking away. Never encourage aggression, or similar bad behavior.

Encourage your child to make friends with people in his class. Children should walk in pairs or small non-threatening groups. Especially when going to the bathroom, lunch, playground and other potentially isolated areas.

General rule of thumb

Monitor your child’s activity. Such as, know who their friends are, and be involved as much as you can in their lives. Be careful of what you allow your children to watch on television and videos. Behavior breeds behavior, and violence can lead to violence.

Computers are a way of life these days. As such, the newest form of bullying or threat can come from the internet. As much, if not more, as you would monitor what your children read and watch, the same should apply to the internet. Cyber bullying has lead to mental breakdowns, violent acts, sexual assaults, murder and suicide. Any type of bullying has this potential. If suppressed, an individual can move through life harboring a lot of resentment, guilt and shame.

Knowing when to intervene and get professional help is paramount. It can eliminate or assist in treating more complicated mental conditions, such as anxiety disorders, resulting from bullying.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Simple is better

Family time and simpler lifestyles are winning out over consumerism these days. Considering the shaky economies around the globe, individuals and families are scaling back on their spending.

With rising unemployment figures and uncertain futures, people are strategizing their escape from the prison of debt. By paying off debt, reducing discretionary spending and opting to save money, materialism is losing its grasp on society.

Taking charge of your debt and deciding to scale back your lifestyle requires change. Change is rarely comfortable. Difficult decisions and sacrifices must be made to accomplish your goals.

Taking charge

Following are some tips to help you take charge of your life, finances and lifestyle.

• Determine what you want to change about your financial picture and lifestyle. For example, you may want to be debt free within five to seven years; you may have a desire to grow your own food, or become a stay-at-home mom or dad.
• Set reasonable goals and timeframes to reach your dream. Strive for specific milestones leading you to your overall goal. This allows you to see your success in smaller chunks, as you chip away at the whole.
• Assess your current financial picture. Determine how much overall debt you have and to whom it is owed. Calculate your monthly income, and compare the differences of inflow versus outflow.
• Set your first milestone as complete. Knowing the state of your affairs will relieve you of an amazing amount of stress. Realizing you are working to take charge of your circumstances is huge.
• Make a list of each creditor and the amount owed them.
• Define a plan that allows you to pay more toward the smallest balance first, until it is satisfied. Continue this pattern until they are all knocked out, or at least well on their way.
• Reward yourself in some way for your diligence as each milestone is reached. Perhaps you have not been out to dinner in months as a part of your effort to scale back; this may be a reward you agree is reasonable, for example.
• Stay focused on your plan and you will achieve your desired end.

Living the life

As you downsize you will find there are things you no longer have need of. It is important to determine whether you will sell these items or donate them to charity.

Depending on your goal, a move may be in order. Transportation may change, and jobs/roles may shift, or be redefined. Yet as you scale back your lifestyle, you will enjoy more free time and experience a healthier life.

Stress is responsible for many major health conditions and diseases. Often, we are unaware how much we are affected by stress as we struggle day-to-day to make ends meet. Moreover, social stress, such as the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality can lead to a tremendous amount of peer pressure. This type of pressure can lead to depression, even death, if we perceive we have failed.

So, start living the life, take charge of your life, as you begin your journey to scale back.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

The Pink Slip

Losing a job is very stressful for a family. The emotional impact it has on the husband or wife can be very different. Both may feel depressed and anxious as a result of the loss. Self-esteem and worthiness issues are common. These factors, combined with the financial implications resulting from a spouse’s job loss, place a strain on a marriage. However, exercising solid coping skills during this transitional time can lead to a successful outcome.

Time to process

It is important to give your spouse time to process what has happened and get a handle on the future. Often our job defines us--reinforces our worth to our family and others. While our self-worth should be shaped by other measures, our job plays an important role in our lives.

Due to the financial strain resulting from a job loss, the natural response from both parties is to get a job as soon as possible. However, finding a new job can take time. During this time, sensitivity and careful response is essential in supporting your spouse. Encouraging words and conversations about other things can help ease any tension that money issues can cause in a marriage.

Avoid picking out jobs for your spouse. As well meaning as this approach seems, it often backfires. They may begin to feel you have lost faith or trust in their abilities to manage their affairs properly.

Questions about how the unemployed spouse spent their time during the day may be offensive. It is important to be aware of trigger points that may spark conflict. A person may lash out because they feel inadequate or are depressed.

As important as processing time and feelings of the unemployed spouse are, so are those of others involved. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor during this time. A counselor can help you identify the unique feelings and stressors experienced during a time of loss. They can offer feedback and coping skills you may not have considered previously.

Reach out to friends and family that may have experienced a similar situation. Ask them how they managed the process.

Fear and Finances

A financial plan is an imperative step in eliminating fear and uncertainty of the future. The plan should be developed to encompass at least three months that follow the unemployment.

Together, determine what you can cut back on, or live without. Big changes should be considered carefully. Remember, the situation is not permanent.

Your spouse may be eligible for unemployment compensation. This benefit can be very helpful when facing job loss. Consulting a financial advisor or counselor may be necessary in some cases. However, cutting back on special perks or extras can trim a budget quite a bit.

The Bottom Line

At the end of the day, your marriage and relationship with one another is more important than anything else. Be kind to one another. Talk about your spouses good qualities, compliment them. Take notice of the extra help you are likely receiving around the home, or in other areas of your life. You will likely come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before.

By Christie Hunter:  View Christie's Profile  

Special Situations

As you begin to set boundaries in your life and relationships a number of situations may occur as those around you resist or are not in agreement with the limits you are setting.  Knowing that these situations may be present better prepares you as you work to maintain these healthy parameters and establish healthier and more fulfilling relationships in your life.

Triangulation

What is Triangulation?  Triangulation is a dysfunctional way of attempting to deal with an issue between two people by using a involving a third person into the issue who should not be there.  Triangulation occurs in situations where you have placed a limit on a friendship and the other person attempts to violate the boundary by means of a third person. 

An example of triangulation would be to imagine two adult siblings who are having a disagreement. One sibling decides that in order to protect herself and her family, she needs to stop sharing personal information about herself with her brother for a while, who has been using it against her.   So now the brother has a limit in place- a boundary his sister has put in place that cuts off the information flow that he is used to.   Rather than respecting this boundary and working with his sister to resolve the disagreement that has resulted with limits, the brother goes around his sister and attempts to establish a relationship with his sister's husband.  By hanging out with his sister's husband, he can get an "in" on his sister, manipulating the boundary.  This is an attempt at triangulating the situation, bringing in a third person as a way of avoiding direct resolution.  If allowed, the brother and his sister's husband would establish a relationship based on an unhealthy and unresolved situation.  Triangulation has as its goal a desire to maintain or even establish a relationship with a third person by means of another person.  It avoids direct communication and thereby limits the chance either of the relationships has for authentic and open dialogue.

Examine your relationships to see if you may have been pulled into the middle of someone else’s relationships.  Have you been asked to “help” fix a problem, or are you communicating information about a third party that should really be communicated directly, if a relationship existed?  If so, look to make changes so your relationships are based on you and the other person, not on the exchange of information about a silent third person.

Disownment

In some situations as you begin to set healthy limits on your relationships, you may experience some strong resistance to the changes you are making.  One response to these boundaries is the complete withdrawal by the other person in the form of disownment.  For someone who is not willing to accept your withdrawal of resources from the relationship the only answer may be to walk away, or disown you and the relationship you had.  

This can be a very shocking and painful experience during a time when you are trying to establish more healthy ways of communicating and relating with others.  Recognizing that you cannot control the reaction of others, that just as you are able to make changes and set limits, so can others, even if it is the extreme response of estrangement. 

If this is the situation you are faced with, share with the other person your sadness over their choice.  Let them know that you hope for the situation to be different and when they are ready to begin talking again, you are here.  There is little else you can do when someone refuses to talk with you or work through the problems in the relationship.  Maintaining the healthy limits you have set is very important during this time.  Setting aside your limits in order to reestablish communication will only continue the unhealthy pattern of relating that you were attempting to change. 

This is a difficult time as you move forward with positive change in your life, yet at the same time are faced with the loss and sadness of relationships that could be so much more.  Be realistic with your expectations, but remain hopeful that the future holds reconciliation. 

Summary

While there are a number of special situations you may be faced with as you begin to make changes in your relationships, this section gives you a few ideas about how to persevere through the challenges of maintaining your healthy limits.  Keep in mind, the purpose of setting boundaries is not to reduce the communication in your relationships.  Quite the contrary, by setting healthy limits, your relationships have an opportunity to grow and to be an encouragement to each other within the healthy and safe parameters set by all people.  Boundaries define us and with a better definition, we are better able to enjoy and share our lives with those around us.

By Christie Hunter:  View Christie's Profile  

Resistances

Implementing boundaries in your life and relationships begins with a conscious choice towards healthy and hopeful change. The decision to have different priorities and a new focus for your personal resources requires that you are prepared for both how you will feel about the change as well as how others may react to the adjustments.  These reactions and responses are what are known as resistances. We experience these resistances to change when we feel anxious that the new limits will result in not having a need met that is significant in our life. Understanding what these resistances are, both within ourselves, the internal resistances, as well as the reactions from those around us, the external resistances help to prepare us to maintain the boundaries and move towards healthy relationships.

Internal Resistances

When you consider pulling back, or limiting what you have to offer, the emotions you feel regarding this decision may cause you to question whether this is the right choice. These feelings are the internal resistances to change. Overcoming them is the first step to ensuring you are able to successfully implement the boundaries that will lead to healthy relationships. You may experience a feeling of guilt since you are not offering as much time to a friend as you have in the past. Or you may be limiting the information you share with a relative due to confidentiality not being respected. Regardless of the reason for the boundary, we are often faced with a sense of internal uncertainty as we move forward with change as we do not know and cannot control how the other person will respond.

It is important that we work through the issues that cause us to feel this anxiety. If we are uncomfortable with change or don’t like the unknown, changing patterns of behaving and relating to others can create a sense of fear. We cannot control how the other person will react to our new limits and this uncertainty may create a sense of immobility in us moving forward. Recognizing these feeling allows you to prepare for them as you are making change. Being prepared allows us to be better able to handle these feelings if they become a factor in maintaining the healthy boundaries we are setting.

External Resistances

Deciding to implement boundaries does not require acknowledgment or agreement from the other person. As a result of this, when we begin to make changes, the friend or family member may react or respond to our new limits in a way other than complete acceptance. These reactions are external resistances to the limits we are placing on the relationship. Some common reactions we may be faced with are anger as we no longer may spend as much time with the other person, or we may been seen as unfair and unloving if we no longer continue to invest emotionally at the same level. It is important to be aware that all change is met with some type of response.

In the most extreme situations, an individual who does not agree with the changes you make can attempt to match your healthy boundary with a protective reaction of their own. This can include complete withdrawal from you and from the relationship in an attempt to control the direction of change. Unfortunately, we have no control over the other person’s response or their agreement to the changes in the relationship. Again, being prepared for the individual’s reaction helps us to respond to this in a planned and rational way rather than to react and have one of our internal resistances triggered.

Moving Forward

Maintaining boundaries is an ongoing process. It is a part of making healthy changes in your relationships that requires ongoing effort and awareness. Keeping your focus on the reason for the changes, on the limits of your resources and what you can invest in others without reaching a point of burnout, helps to move you through the periods where internal or external resistances make the maintenance of boundaries difficult and challenging.

Next time we will look at some special situations where those we are setting healthy boundaries with try to work around them and find ways to keep things the way they were.

By Christie Hunter:  View Christie's Profile  

Setting Boundaries

After completing the relationship map (see previous week), we need to begin by assessing our relationships to see where we are investing emotional resources and how this aligns with the bigger picture in our lives. To do this, we need to understand what the goals are for ourselves and for our family. As we start, remember that when I make reference to “family,” it is the three intersecting circles in the middle of your relationship map – you, your spouse, and your children still living at home.

Assessing the Relationships in our Life

From here, consider the goals you and your spouse have established for your family. Again, this may require sitting down together and defining or redefining the priorities for your marriage and family. As a family, what is the legacy you want to leave for your children? What are the values and characteristics you want to espouse in your relationship? Are you presently living your life with these areas as a focus? Once you have assessed these goals and priorities for yourself and your family, you are ready to look at how the other relationships in your life are aligning to these.

When you look at your relationship map, consider individuals, volunteer positions, job responsibilities, or groups you are involved.  Now ask yourself, are these relationships aligning with the goals and priorities you have defined? If one of your goals is to ensure your children have positive roles models in your life, are there relationships where your children see positive characteristics modeled to them? How are the relationships in your life aligning to the plans you have for your family?

Additionally, are there any relationships that are in conflict with your goals or dreams? Is there a relationship that is demanding more and more from you at the expense of quality time with your family.  For example, do you have a relative that is always “borrowing” money and taking away from your ability to save and work towards financial security (a goal)? If so, consider that these relationships may require you to set limits, to place a boundary to ensure that your goals and priorities are still the focus of your resources.

Another area to be reviewed is relationships where you have committed time, emotional energy, finances, or other aspects of yourself. In the beginning, when someone comes to us and needs from us, we may feel that we are doing the right thing by investing our emotional resources into that person.  So we say "yes" to that person and give to them from us.  Yet what may have been right or good at the start, doesn't mean it will continue that way.  People can take and take from us, eventually taking advantage of us to the point where we feel walked on, or our other relationships suffer.  You need to look at that relationship and ask yourself, over time, have all the resources you've invested in that person still continue to benefit?  Is that person growing?  Are you growing?  For example, by being an emotional support for your friend in crisis, you provide encouragement, a sounding board, and a sense of stability. But over time, your friend needs to learn how to stand on her own, to move forward into her own life. If you continue to offer her support day in and day out long after the crisis has ended, you may take on a role of enabler, the original investment no longer having the same benefit. Evaluate if your resources in your relationships are still an investment.

Finally, ask yourself, are other relationships in my life suffering or losing our because of one relationship in my life. Is there a friend, position, or other aspect of your life that is taking from other relationships in your life?  A relative who inserts themselves into the middle of your marriage, for example, can have a very devastating effect on the relationship with your spouse.  If other relationhips in your life are hurting because of a relationship that has gotten out of control, its time to analyze and prioritize, and set a boundary.  Look at setting a limit on what you are offering to relationships that cause others to suffer or lose out because of this one.

Avoid Co-Dependency

Sometimes an unhealthy relationship is allowed to exist because you receive a "benefit" from it yourself. Consider the case of a mother in-law who provides baby-sitting support to you. You need someone to watch your baby, and so this really helps you. However, by providing you this "help," she feels that she has rights to how the baby should be raised. As a result, she is always making demands on how to raise and care for your baby. She inserts herself into your family far beyond what is healthy. This causes great tension and strife in your marriage, as she continually makes demands on your family decisions.  She has assumed a role in your family that has crossed a line, and it is hurting you.  It is no longer a family of you, your spouse, and your children (as it should be)- it is now a family with an extra person who does not belong! You want to cut her off, but then who will watch the baby?   Do you see how this kind of snare works?  You feel completely trapped- you know its not healthy, but you do not now how to fix it. We enable unhealthy relationships because we are "receiving" something back from them, and this is called co-dependency.  However, in the end, whatever it is we are getting back is not worth it because it can cause our lives to crumble.  We must make a change.

Making the Decision

As you assess your relationships, if there is one that you feel is not aligned with your goals, is taking from other areas of your life, or where your initial investment is no longer a benefit it is time to make the decision to set a boundary. The most significant aspect of setting a boundary is that it only takes one person. You do not need the other person to agree or to even like the limit you need to put in place. It only takes one person, you can decide at any time to implement a boundary. It begins with a simple decision.

Setting boundaries requires an honest evaluation of your present relationships, how these align with your goals, and making a decision for change. It may not be easy, change usually is not, but the potential for better living, healthier relationships all around you, and more purpose and direction in your life is immense. Next we will look at how we maintain boundaries and the response we may often experience within ourselves and from others as we begin to protect our futures and establish healthy relationships.