Theravive

Conflict in committed relationships is ubiquitous. All manner of resolution and management skills are at our disposal, but perhaps the one element we focus on the least is conflict perspective. When in conflict, regardless with whom, three distinct perspectives are possible. One, we can view the situation from only our own perspective. Two, our focus can be on only our partner’s role and behavior. Three, we can view the conflict from above, so to speak. From that perch we afford ourselves a view of the pattern, our own role in it as well as our partner’s, and, perhaps most important of all, we can see how the pattern we are part of is headed in an ineffective and unproductive direction. It’s like an aerial view of your home town. You cannot see the entire town from just your own street corner. Likewise, you cannot see the whole conflict from your position exclusively. In position one, our own narrow focused perspective tends to see our partner as the source of the problem. This view is generally loaded with blame, either implied or explicit. From the my-perspective-only position, it is too easy to be a bull in a china shop. Typically, when you view a conflict from this vantage point, you believe you are right, and your partner is wrong. The binary right-wrong orientation leads to one or the other of you devising ways to win the argument, which inevitably produces mutual defensiveness. If you “win” the argument, you also lose due to the fact that the partner who “loses” tends to become distant–from YOU! Most people do not feel closer to their distant partner. Obviously, that does not promote connection and intimacy. Position two, approaching the problem from your partner’s perspective, may often be problematic. On the one hand, your partner will appreciate your recognition of their position. And that’s a good thing. On the other hand, if you see the problem only from your partner’s perspective, you are likely diverted from yourself. This is important on two accounts: first, your part of the pattern is a big piece of the puzzle you are both attempting to solve, so you really ought to know what your piece looks like if you want to solve the puzzle; second, the odds for selling yourself out go way up when you attend only to your partner’s perspective because you fail to give voice or attention to your own perspective of the problem and pattern. In perspective three, each party clearly views the conflict from above, and is able to see the pattern and your respective roles. From above, you have the best seats in the house! From there you can take in all the action! From there, you can make decisions that you cannot possibly make from positions one or two. One decision you can make is to pull the reins in on those behaviors that make it unsafe for your partner to speak honestly. What does that look like? That is when you decide not to call your partner a name when your frustrated or angry. Instead, you decide to take responsibility for your anger or frustration and talk about it, rather than act it out. It means using words that are always easy to hear, or turning the volume knob down instead of yelling. It means doing what’s powerful, not what’s overpowering. (More on this in an upcoming post). From the penthouse each of you can bask in conflict luxury as you realize that breaking a painful recurring pattern is more productive than being right! From above you can appreciate that this is a team effort, but this time, your both on the same team! It’s as if you’re looking down on a maze, and you are each helping the other navigate through the various passageways, i.e. behavioral trouble spots you each provide, until you get from stressed to calm, distant to close. Sound corny? It is, but it works. The view from above allows for compassion and empathy to punctuate the pain you each feel. The overview perspective has built in to it the desire each of you possess to see yourself and your partner realistically. In short, the view-from-above perspective promotes honesty, thereby building trust. Operating from the overview perspective takes practice, patience and persistence, as it is not the easiest of the three perspectives because it feels very risky. Like many difficult tasks, however, the rewards are consistent with your effort. Next time you and yours are faced with one of those stressful moments, see the pattern, break the pattern. Try the following: Before you dive in to the issue de jour, start by inviting each other to the overview. Describe what you see from your perspective–especially what you see in yourself that is making the pattern you are trying to break so difficult to alter. After all, it’s not as if your partner doesn’t see your behavior! Next, listen to the overview your partner provides while NOT discounting it. Last, recap what you hear, ask for clarification when necessary, and then ask a lot of curiosity based questions

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. 

~Irish Proverb

 

How true!  If we all practiced these two “cures”, we would likely improve our health and decrease our stress!  In today’s day and age, too many people are not getting either of these important cures!    Both are relatively easy to incorporate in to your day without needing to make any major lifestyle changes.  Let’s take a more detailed look at each of these.

 

Most Americans complain that they do not get enough sleep.  Billions of dollars are spent each year on lost productivity and treatment for sleep-related problems. The recent research on sleep indicates that if you are not getting enough sleep, which for most people is 7 – 9 hours per night, you are at higher risk for high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, mental impairment, depression and weight gain.  When you are well rested the following results: you are more productive at home and work, you enjoy life more, you are more relaxed in your relationships and you are healthier.  If you are not getting enough sleep, what would need to change in order for you to get more sleep?  Many of us complain that we do not have time to sleep; but then, do you have the time or money to take care of any of the health issues listed earlier??  Is everything on our “to do” list really that important?

 

Now let’s look at the second “cure” - laughter.  Have you ever counted how many times you truly laugh in a day’s time?  Laughter increases the level of endorphins and neurotransmitters in your system and reduces the level of stress hormones.  Laughing can improve your immune system and provide a wonderful physical and emotional release.  All that from simply laughing!  Think of ways to increase the laughter in your day - gravitate towards those people who are upbeat and have a good sense of humor, read those email jokes that make you laugh, work towards seeing the humor in even the most difficult situations, watch a funny movie….be creative with how you increase your comic relief. 

 

What steps will you make to incorporate these 2 easy “cures” in to your day?  The effort you put in to making these changes will more than repay you.  It is a good investment in you, your family, and your business or career - and one that costs you nothing.

 

References: Say Goodnight to Insomnia, Gregg Jacobs, MD; www.sleepdex.org; www.about.com.

 

Leslie J. Hoy, MA, LPC is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist specializing in Depression, Anxiety, Sleep management, Couples Communication, Work-Life balance and Weight loss.  She can be contacted at 210.379.4403 or leslie@hiperformance.net; www.leslie-lpc.com.

 

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad.

No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss.

Overcoming loss

A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time.

After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine.

You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out.  You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time?  What will it be like to be alone?  Will you ever find someone else, or even want to?

• Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling.
• Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it.
• Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses.
• Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them.

Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it.

Lessons learned

From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience.

To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup.

As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Time becomes our taskmaster

Living in a society where our time is invaded at every turn, whether from cell phones, faxes, computers, skype, IMs, text, or other signals crossing our sphere, burnout is a real concern.

Burnout occurs when what you are doing, just doesn’t work for you anymore. Your once enthusiastic approach to a task now drains you, or feelings of apathy are more the norm, rather than hope and success.

When juggling work, family and social lives, time can become our taskmaster instead of our friend. Finding balance in your life will liberate you, and allow you to overcome burnout.

Signs of burnout

Often, when burnout, people drive themselves harder to makeup for deficits emotionally, physical or otherwise. Denial that a problem exists is common; therefore, identifying signs of burnout is important to our emotional and physical health.

Five signs of burnout:

• Irritability  When a person feels out of control or unable to mange their life, work or family commitments as desired, they can become troubled. Often this is manifested in the form or irritation or aggravation. When burnout occurs, this state is more constant. You may lash out at co-workers or loved ones.
• Trouble sleeping  Being stressed out and have multiple deadlines or unfinished business, can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sleep deprivation will cause you to perform poorly.
• Lack of energy  As burnout creeps in, your energy level drops. A lack of caring or concern sets in, and productivity goes down the drain.
• Concentration issues  Problems concentrating are common with burnout. When faced with overwhelming schedules and tasks, concentrating can be difficult.
• Emotional distress  When someone is burnout, being overly emotional is common. For example, you may burst into tears over a seemingly minor incident. On the other hand, you can begin to isolate yourself, and show no emotion to varying circumstances. Either can lead to depression.

Overcoming burnout

Identifying burnout is only part of the solution. Overcoming burnout takes commitment and work on your part. Below are some practical solutions you can implement in your life to eliminate burnout, and enrich your life.

Five steps to balance:

• Learn to say NO  Over commitment is common, and a part of the reason people burnout. While it is important to please the boss, assess your current workload before saying yes to the next deadline. Perhaps you should allow someone else to drive the soccer team to and from games, or provide the snacks.
• Get moving  Putting exercise in your schedule can make a world of difference. Exercise helps eliminate stress, clears the mind and keeps the body fit.
• Prioritize  Assess what you are responsible for presently, and make a list. Evaluate and eliminate. Complete outstanding items that are most important or pressing, and delegate less important tasks to others as appropriate.
• Get support  A healthy, happy life includes people we enjoy being around; those that bring joy and positive support to our lives. Identify the people that make up your support system. Others are in our lives to help us, co-workers, family, friends, clergy and counselors.
• Let go  Learn to let go of things you cannot control. You cannot save the world. Let go of any guilt you may feel about not being able to do it all.

 

 By Thomas Wright, M. Th.

View Thomas Wright's Profile 

 
IS OUR MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE?

Couples often drift into trouble without noticing any crises or turning points in their relationship. People don’t like to admit there’s anything wrong in their lives so they keep most unpleasant aspects of their situation hidden from their awareness. It’s often easier to recognize the warning signs in other people’s relationships than in their own.

The most important sign that your relationship is in trouble is avoidance.  Do you find yourself avoiding real conversation with your partner? Have you noticed less eye contact when you are together? Does your partner seem preoccupied or irritable much of the time? Are most conversations about the kids or work and never about feelings? Have you stopped talking about your plans and dreams? Another important clue is the feeling of loneliness.

Symptoms of loneliness may include anxiety, depression, changes in sleeping habits, changes in eating habits, headaches, or muscle tension.  Sooner or later people begin to feel lonesome for a part of them they’ve suppressed in order to keep peace. Once you believe you can’t be yourself around your partner, your relationship is in trouble.

I find that people too quickly decide to suppress certain aspects of their personalities out of fear that they will be rejected if they enjoy those aspects. In other words, it’s too easy to blame others for your decision to squelch your spontaneity.

If you find that you’re more relaxed when you’re away from your partner, and you tense up when it’s time to go home, your relationship is in trouble.

These trouble signs aren’t necessarily signs of impending disaster. You should, however, treat them as wake-up calls.  Give them your attention before you drift too far apart to find your way back.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Relationships, hormones and pressures

Teenage years are challenging for the teen and parents. Maintaining an open and communicative relationship with your teen is vital as they move through adolescence.

Hormonal changes, mood swings and peer pressure are a part of the growth process, however, it is important to be aware of subtle, and overt signs that trouble may be on the horizon.

While some unusual behavior is normal with teens, knowing your teen--how they generally react and interact with you--will help in identifying potential problems.

Red Flags

Following are signs to watch for that may indicate your teen is headed down the wrong path.

• Isolation:  During adolescence, a teenager typically distances themselves a bit more than before from family. Yet, if your teen is avoiding your advances toward conversation and interaction, there may be a problem. If they spend more time away from home or alone, locked in their room, a red flag should go up. This can be an indication of drug use or depression.
• Sudden weight loss and/or appetite change:  This behavior is indicative of peer and social pressures to look a certain way. An eating disorder, depression or drug use can be at the root of this conduct.
• Extreme mood swings:  Mood swings are a common thing with teens. Therefore, it is a bit more difficult to discern what is problematic and what is normal. However, knowing your teens normal reactions will assist you follow up accordingly. This behavior could be a sign of social problems; hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meet your teen’s friends and their parents. Know who they are spending their time with and what values their parents hold dear.
• Declining grades or lack of interest in school/activities:  Since teens have so much on their minds, at times, a lack of interest in school work could be chalked up as normal. However, if their grades are falling sharply, they are cutting classes and pulling out of activities once enjoyed, it is time to check-in. Get to know your teen’s teachers and find a way of communicating with them on a regular basis. Be involved in your adolescence education and school activities.
• Motivation issues: If your once spunky teen suddenly begins to seem more tired, and uninterested in hobbies and former friends, they could have a problem with substance abuse. They could be depressed or feeling isolated and alone. Talk with them, let them know you care. Be available to listen, love and offer advice, if needed.

Get Involved

If your teen is showing signs of unusual behavior, it is the parents’ responsibility to get to the bottom of what is going on. A child wants to know you are concerned and interested, even if they do not act like it.

It may feel like to you that you are spying on them or invading their privacy when checking up on them. Press forward, as it could mean the difference between life and death.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Bullying: a new epidemic?

 

Bullying is becoming an epidemic in our schools, cyberspace, parks and other areas where kids hang out. Its affect on children can be lasting, even following them into adulthood. It is vital to deal with bullying swiftly and lovingly.

The times of a simple trip in the isle, just for the fun of it, between friends has passed. Today children are faced with far more intimidating tactics.

Often, kids are attacked while others look on, without going for, or helping the victim. Children are often afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of retaliation.

 

Know the signs

Identifying the signs of bullying is a key element in protecting your child, and keeping them safe.

Your child’s behavior will offer tell-tale signs bullying may be occurring. Following are a few things to watch for:

• Lack of appetite
• Decreased interest in school/social activities
• Few, if any close friends
• Trouble sleeping
• Stomach aches and other ailments
• Unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes
• Missing or damaged personal items
• Anxiety
• Isolation

How you can help 

If you notice you child manifesting any, or a number of these behaviors, it is time to talk--reach out with a kind, loving arm. Get as many details as you can about the bullying incidents. They may be reluctant to speak to you about the situation at first. Often this is because of misplaced blame or shame.

It is important to reassure your child they are safe. Express how much you want to help them overcome this situation. They are likely not the only child being harassed by the bully.

Talk with school officials, such as the counselor, principal or other significant policy makers about the danger your child is facing.

Be persistent, and follow up. Ensure changes are made to eliminate the threat. Furthermore, depending on the type of abuse your child is being subject to, criminal charges may be in order.

Talk to your child about how to handle the bullying. Encourage them to remain calm when confronted. Tell them to be firm when they speak to the aggressor. Offer suggestions of what they may say, such as: “Stop what you are doing right now.” Stress the importance of walking away. Never encourage aggression, or similar bad behavior.

Encourage your child to make friends with people in his class. Children should walk in pairs or small non-threatening groups. Especially when going to the bathroom, lunch, playground and other potentially isolated areas.

General rule of thumb

Monitor your child’s activity. Such as, know who their friends are, and be involved as much as you can in their lives. Be careful of what you allow your children to watch on television and videos. Behavior breeds behavior, and violence can lead to violence.

Computers are a way of life these days. As such, the newest form of bullying or threat can come from the internet. As much, if not more, as you would monitor what your children read and watch, the same should apply to the internet. Cyber bullying has lead to mental breakdowns, violent acts, sexual assaults, murder and suicide. Any type of bullying has this potential. If suppressed, an individual can move through life harboring a lot of resentment, guilt and shame.

Knowing when to intervene and get professional help is paramount. It can eliminate or assist in treating more complicated mental conditions, such as anxiety disorders, resulting from bullying.

 

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Simple is better

Family time and simpler lifestyles are winning out over consumerism these days. Considering the shaky economies around the globe, individuals and families are scaling back on their spending.

With rising unemployment figures and uncertain futures, people are strategizing their escape from the prison of debt. By paying off debt, reducing discretionary spending and opting to save money, materialism is losing its grasp on society.

Taking charge of your debt and deciding to scale back your lifestyle requires change. Change is rarely comfortable. Difficult decisions and sacrifices must be made to accomplish your goals.

Taking charge

Following are some tips to help you take charge of your life, finances and lifestyle.

• Determine what you want to change about your financial picture and lifestyle. For example, you may want to be debt free within five to seven years; you may have a desire to grow your own food, or become a stay-at-home mom or dad.
• Set reasonable goals and timeframes to reach your dream. Strive for specific milestones leading you to your overall goal. This allows you to see your success in smaller chunks, as you chip away at the whole.
• Assess your current financial picture. Determine how much overall debt you have and to whom it is owed. Calculate your monthly income, and compare the differences of inflow versus outflow.
• Set your first milestone as complete. Knowing the state of your affairs will relieve you of an amazing amount of stress. Realizing you are working to take charge of your circumstances is huge.
• Make a list of each creditor and the amount owed them.
• Define a plan that allows you to pay more toward the smallest balance first, until it is satisfied. Continue this pattern until they are all knocked out, or at least well on their way.
• Reward yourself in some way for your diligence as each milestone is reached. Perhaps you have not been out to dinner in months as a part of your effort to scale back; this may be a reward you agree is reasonable, for example.
• Stay focused on your plan and you will achieve your desired end.

Living the life

As you downsize you will find there are things you no longer have need of. It is important to determine whether you will sell these items or donate them to charity.

Depending on your goal, a move may be in order. Transportation may change, and jobs/roles may shift, or be redefined. Yet as you scale back your lifestyle, you will enjoy more free time and experience a healthier life.

Stress is responsible for many major health conditions and diseases. Often, we are unaware how much we are affected by stress as we struggle day-to-day to make ends meet. Moreover, social stress, such as the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality can lead to a tremendous amount of peer pressure. This type of pressure can lead to depression, even death, if we perceive we have failed.

So, start living the life, take charge of your life, as you begin your journey to scale back.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Making a Genius?

As parents we want our children being the smartest, brightest and most well-behaved child on the block.

Over ten years ago, Walt Disney released a series of “educational” videos entitled, Baby Einstein. They were a hit almost instantly. Parents everywhere were wanting them, hoping these video babysitters would magically make their toddlers stand-outs among their peers. Moreover, a desire that a mindset would be developed in their child, leading them to a genius status.

Each video covers different topics through the use of colors and classical music. Their focus is to assist our children learn about life, and the things that surround us in our world. Scenes are introduced with a small amount of narrative from a soft, smooth voiced narrator.

Scenes move quickly, changing subject matter often. This process is something that experts from the American Medical Association relate, is hard for toddlers to follow.

No Way to Learn

The Baby Einstein video series has long been touted as a learning source for infants and toddlers. Thought by the populace to have increased the vocabulary and intellect of children, the Einstein videos have come under fire in recent years.

Research from the University of Washington (2007) revealed that children who watched the Baby Einstein videos had not excelled in social skills, or vocabulary. In fact, youngsters who began watching the videos early on had a more limited vocabulary than their peers.

The study shows that the videos effect on children has been more harmful than helpful.

Educational Claim Debunked

The bottom line is that the Baby Einstein videos have failed to educate toddlers, as many parents assumed. That said, controversy swirls between the public and representatives for the Einstein videos as to what should be, or have realistically been, expected from DVDs.

Still considered “educational” videos, the company now maintains they are designed to be used as interactive tools. However, the website’s original claim indicated the series was designed as an introduction to words and sign language.

Currently, the Baby Einstein website offers their philosophy. In part it reads:

“…intent was to create products that offered interactive experiences for her and her daughter to discover the world together. While Baby Einstein has grown over the years, this same          philosophy is at the heart of everything that we do. All of our products are designed to encourage discovery and inspire new ways for parents and little ones to interact.”

Refunds and Reconsiderations

The controversy, stemming from the research studies outing the Baby Einstein DVDs ineffectiveness, caused Walt Disney Company to make a radical move. They began offering refunds late 2009.

The Baby Einstein DVDs covered in the refund offer were those purchased between June 5, 2004 and Sept. 4, 2009. Einstein officials now claim a child will discover more through the videos when a parent or another is present.

Leaving a child alone in front of a television or DVD, of any kind, has proved damaging in development, according to the American Medical Association.

Experts from the American Academy of Pediatrics report that interaction with your child is the way the youngster will learn.

 By Dr. Colleen Long, PsyD

View Dr. Long's Profile 

My patients and clients often ask me, "if there is one thing that you would tell everyone to do to improve their overall lives, what would it be?" Every time my answer is- meditation. However, I usually get a blank stare or they immediately classify me as one of those therapists who burn incense and experiment with LSD.

I practically stumbled upon meditation myself, both as a clinician and a person. I was in the very beginning of my “happiness groups,” in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. These groups based on a positive psychology framework where patients were encouraged to focus on what was going right in their lives versus what was going wrong. It was a different way of thinking, but began paying off significantly.

Instead of digging through old baggage of the past, we focused on exercises designed to boost one’s sense of well-being, regardless of the hand they were dealt (you have to keep in mind, many of these people had endured childhoods and young adult lives most of us would read about or only see in a movie). Some of the exercises were designed to teach them how the brain was not necessarily designed to “default” on happiness- that we mostly defaulted to fear and anxiety, which is an adaptive mechanism, once protecting us from lions or other tribes in the distance.

We would put together gratitude journals, and practice focusing on helping someone else that day. As I began searching for new techniques to incorporate in the group, I came across a research study that boasted the effects of meditation on our mood. The research showed that peoples’ left pre-frontal cortex (the area in our brain believed to be responsible for feelings of well-being) were showing dramatic changes after just three 20 minute sessions per week.

So we tried it. We would finish the last 20 minutes of each group with a meditation session. After the first time, I didn’t really notice anything different. Yet, after just a few days of doing this exercise with many groups, I was noticing something. A shift. I was actually a bit more calm, and was present. I remember brushing my teeth and having no running thoughts other than “I’m brushing my teeth.” It was freedom.

John Kabat-Zinn was one of the pioneering psychologists who discovered how meditation effects our brain. Meditation has also been shown to have various other health benefits, most notably with its connection to the Vagus nerve, which helps to decrease cortisol production (the hormone responsible for giving us those little stress guts). Meditation is ours for the taking. It does not cost us anything but a few minutes of our time and patience.

The following are the basic tips for meditation that are sure to get you started in the right direction:

1)Posture- Make sure that you are sitting on a firm surface or firm pillow. You can either sit on the floor with legs crossed or in a chair with legs shoulder width apart. Just make sure that you are not leaning back on the chair back. Ensure that your back is upright, as if you are sitting on a horse. This posture helps remind the body that the mind is in control. It is a posture of dignity and respect, and symbolizes the act of meditation for yourself each day.

Make sure your chest is lifted and open. This shows that you are open and receptive to what this meditation brings. Make sure that your shoulders are back and relaxed, and that your mouth and jaw are also loose. Thich Nhat Hanh recommends you try slightly smiling.

2) Detachment- A common misconception is that meditation should be an absence of one’s thoughts. This is not possible. View your mind’s energy as you would a flowing river. Each leave that passes, represents a thought. It is your goal to observe those thoughts without judgment, like leaves on a river. Once we are able to separate ourselves from our thoughts, they can no longer bring us the same pain they once did. We soon become comfortable just being with our thoughts, even the most painful. As a thought comes to view, we might think “oh that is interesting that thought has come up now,” and let it pass down the river.

3) Routine- Make sure that you set aside some time for meditation-at least three to five days a week, at first. My guess is that once you start to notice the benefits, you will be doing it seven days a week. Most of my patients were on a medication regimen, so I advised them to set aside time for their meditation at the same time they took their medication every day. Another favorite time is right after you wake. This is when the mind is the freshest and most restored. Some prefer right before bedtime. Just make sure that you are not confusing meditation with napping. Meditation requires an alert state of mind.

4) Hands- Your hands can be in one of several positions. These are known as mudras. Each position evokes different feeling states, such as balance, openness, or groundedness. One is the classical forefinger to thumb position. This can signal to the mind an on-the-spot concentration that is often needed for meditation. Another hand position is each hand on the knees, palms facing up. This signals a receptivity to your meditation, an openness to what comes. Some people prefer the traditional Christian prayer position, with both palms pressed together under the chin. The last position is hands on each knee, palms facing down. This envokes a feeling of groundedness, strength, and balance.

5) Eyes- Many people prefer that their eyes are closed. This can be a good thing in that you are not distracted. However, if you find yourself becoming sleepy, you may want to pick a spot about 4-6 inches on the ground in front of you and focus on this during your meditation.

6) Sound- You can meditate quietly or use music if you are more musically inclined. I prefer to listen to Liquid Mind on Pandora radio, which helps to put me in a tranquil state.

7) Breath- As you get started, simply focus on the breaths coming in and out of your body. You can start by inhaling for four, holding for two, and exhaling for four. This puts the body in a deeper state of relaxation (you may even find yourself getting a slight buzz from the amount of oxygen you are taking in) because we do not normally breathe at this slow pace. As you inhale, notice your belly start to rise, as you exhale notice it grow smaller. Remind yourself that each breath is cleansing, like a broom sweeping out the cobwebs of the soul.

8) Ending- At the end of each meditation, many choose to clasp their hands together in the traditional prayer position, bowing their head in gratitude for the meditation as well as showing respect to a higher order in the universe.

Putting it in to Practice

I like to start each day with meditation. It is a time when my mind is at its freshest. I am able to clear my mind of thoughts without falling asleep (because I have just had eight hours of rest). I often like to start with a 3-5 minute visualization exercise, where I visualize where I want to be. I concentrate on the smells, the sounds, what the environment looks like around me, what people are saying, and even how they feel about me.

After this visualization exercise, I usually do a 20 minute meditation, where I clear myself of thoughts and focus on being in the present moment. Many of those that are trying this for the first time will find that the first minute, even 30 seconds is difficult. This is normal- our minds are not used to this way of being and will resist at first. It is only a protective mechanism. Practice acceptance towards our minds wanting to protect us and allow yourself to continually return to the present moment.

As thoughts come up, simply view them as passing leaves on a stream. Don’t make judgments, simply let them float by. Eventually you will be able to remain in the present moment for a full minute, and this time will increase with practice.

 

Dr. Colleen Long is the author of “Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E,” and practices in the Los Angeles area under the supervision of Dr. Richard Oelberger (PSY22186) . Dr. Long works mainly from a positive psychology framework as it applies to addiction, depression, relationships,  body image and weight loss. Her website can be found at www.DrColleenLong.com. All public speaking/media event requests handled through FreudTV (info@FreudTV.com).