Becoming the Person We Are Meant to Be

Robert Goulard, MSW, RSW, CACII

Robert Goulard

Individual and Group Therapist/Personal & Family Counsellor

Becoming the Person We Are Meant to Be

The answers we are looking in life are within us.  Take for example a tree shading us from the sun.  The tree originally came from a seed within the seed it knew how to grow into a shade tree.  In addition, the tree needed sun light, good soil and water to keep growing.   With these essential ingredients the tree merely grew.  Similarly, if people keep growing and learning answers come to us in time.  The danger comes when we stop growing and learning.   Really counselling is all about getting back on track in order for us to continue growing again.  Somehow we unlearn what we knew at birth.  For example, children are born as spiritual beings, the younger they are the more spiritual they are.  Children, don’t hold grudges they forgive naturally, they live perfectly in the moment.  They are not afraid to be themselves or look foolish in front of others. Somehow as adults we get derailed and somehow we go off track.  Some of the reasons we can stop growing can be our negative belief system, unresolved hurt and pain, breaches of trust, being out of the present moment,  thought and emotions, problems with change itself and the concept of victimization.  We can shut down, we stop trusting others, and we can end up in isolation and depression.  The reality in most cases is we need to re-learn what we already knew at birth and as a child.    

Belief Systems

A belief system provides a core set of values on which we base everything we do, say, or believe in life.  Everybody interprets events in life differently, what’s traumatic to one person doesn’t necessarily mean it would traumatize everybody.   Regardless, belief systems can be empowering or disabling.  They can be built on optimism or pessimism.  Our beliefs determine what we think, what we are capable of, or not capable of.  What our parents taught us as children, or perhaps a traumatic event, or a breach of trust, can sometimes influence our belief system.  For example, we have been raised in a family were there was a lot of negativity, consequently, we end up internalizing shame, guilt, and low self worth.  These dysfunctional beliefs are the core of our belief system.  Regardless, we create our own belief system based on the conclusions we draw from the understanding of events in our lives and the results they produce.    In any case, changing our belief systems can be difficult since it is so ingrained in us.  The most important thing to remember about a belief system is a belief system fails us from time to time especially since we are always changing and growing.   It can be like clothes that grow old and wear out sometimes we need a change.  Depression, fear, isolation, anxiety, panic, and addiction, are some indicators that a fresh start in life is needed.  Time to re-evaluate ourselves in order to start growing again.

Unresolved Hurt and Pain

Our emotional state can be affected by fear and deep seated anger. It can be really hard to get to the root cause of our hurt that caused the anger and resentment in the first place. It’s easy to blame other people for the hurt, resentment; however, in a lot of cases the truth is just the opposite. In reality the anger, resentment is usually directed toward ourselves. I trusted someone who betrayed me. I didn’t see this coming is an example. This whole scenario creates a destructive cycle that is very hard to break.  However, essential for growth. 

Breaches of Trust

When breaches of trust with other people happen, we can mistakenly think that we can’t trust anyone. Consequently, we become unapproachable and we can come across as cold towards other people. However, the real truth is we can’t distinguish between the people we can trust and the people we can’t trust. The un-resolved hurt and pain is actually a barrier between you and people. In a lot of cases people who have been hurt, are confused as to why they treat people the way they do. The real damage is our close relationships with the people we love are affected. It’s the hurt, breaches of trust and trauma that prevent us from having close relationships with them. This information is important to know since sharing being honest about ourselves and making attempts to trust others again will in time heal us from our hurt and pain. Dealing with the pain is extremely hard but worthwhile in the long term. Life is fair in one sense, we can all be happy in life if we have the ability to allow people to be close to us. Breaches of trust, pain and hurt can prevent and be a barrier to a happy in life.

Being out of the Present Moment

Recognize what is in your life right now in the moment. See this as reality be present and perhaps in the moment answers start coming to you. Stress worry and anxiety simply come from thinking negative things about the future. This fear and insecurity comes from thinking about things we don't want to happen to us. If we intensely focus on the moment we will find peace and freedom. In order to over come our defects of character and get to a higher level of spiritual awareness with other people it takes a lot of hard work. However, as a result of our discipline and effort stress worry and anxiety become short lived and no longer control our lives. Working on staying in the moment takes a lot of discipline however; the peace and freedom you get from it make the effort and hard work worth it.  If you really discipline to work on this a change process takes place in time. We can develop into a more relaxed and calm person. Consequently, we empower ourselves to change.

In reality we rarely ever live in the present moment. Instead we day dream about the future or ponder on the past. However, if we really think about it, their probably was a time in our lives that we felt immensely alive in the moment. I can think of a few times this happened in my life. One time I remember, was when I was talking to a person who was explaining to me all the misfortunes, they had during their life.  For some reason his story had a profound effect on me. I really got emotional and felt for him. I felt his pain, and his sorrow. I knew this was turning point in my life. The day each of my children was born, a wave of emotion hit me tears streamed down my face. It was at the precise moment they were born. Words can't describe these experiences. Shocking revelations can happen in the present moment.

Thoughts and Emotions

There is no doubt that our thoughts and emotions if not kept in check can affect our quality of life on a daily basis. It’s when we get locked onto one emotion especially a negative emotion that we get detoured from enjoying our life today. It’s important to view taking on are defects of character as a challenge and not as a threat or a personal attack to our self worth as a person. Having issues that affecting our everyday life that control us day to day can actually ruin our quality of life on a daily basis. Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself myself. Are things really as hard as I’m making them out to be? Is there more attached to this problem than their really needs to be? Am I just causing myself to be really upset? Is this the time and place to deal with this upsetting issue? Perhaps what has happened in your life was meant to be. The event happened for a reason and was meant to teach us something or perhaps it can’t really be explained. However, it happened for a reason. This would lead you to have no choice but to accept it and forget it for now. This is something we need to re-learn the proof is in  children since they have an in-born ability to stay in the moment. 


Some people mistakenly think that change; will happen easily and without effort or sacrifice. However, the opposite is true. When someone says I was really afraid to do something but I somehow mustered up the strength to do it anyways, is an extremely good indicator. This indicates that change is happening in this person’s life. The opposite is knowing what to do but never doing anything about our problems. Inactivity breeds depression, anxiety and self pity. Taking action in our life empowers us and enhances our self worth. The courage to step into the unknown to learn and experience new things in life is the key to change, and essential to reaching our full potential in life.  Seeking help for our problems just put us back on track in order to progress, accomplish and grow in order to be the person we were always meant to be.

Similarly, coming into our first individual session or group session can be extremely, frightening.  Most people bring in an extensive history into a group or individual session. Group or individual counselling can re-generate old fears in themselves.  People come for help which can lead to some possible reactions such as having difficulty talking about their reactions and feelings towards people who have harmed them or what they have done to others.   In the mind of the client, even minor slights evoke past experiences of callous neglect, or deliberate cruelty. These distortions are not easily corrected by experience, since in a lot of cases the person tends to lack the verbal or social skills for resolving this conflict.  For example, who has not been singled out in a classroom by a teacher to answer a question they didn’t know.  Group therapy can be even more fearful.  Being vulnerable in front of a group of people and just fear of people can just add more fear to getting help.  However, in order to get back on track in life we need to go against our fears and insecurities and allow others to help us.  We are social being and need to re-learn our ability to be social with others.    


The derailments of fear and putting up walls stops growth, consequently, we can start thinking of ourselves as a victim.  Nothing will hold you back more in life than this single thought.  I am a victim.  The idea of victimization is a sure sign of self imposed limitations and a very limited perception in life in general.  However, in some extreme cases some people have been victimized.  Regardless, once a person heals from their pain there is no real victimization. 

It is essential for people to remember that we are social beings who need to have strong relations with people in order to be healthy and continue growing.  Just as the tree needs water and sunlight to grow, we need to allow other people in our lives in order for us to be healthy and keep developing and evolving.  Our hurts and pain must be dealt with in order for us to be back on track in life.  In the case of people who struggle with trauma, addiction, extreme anger, depression or anxiety, have to go against our fears our insecurities in order, to start growing again and be the person we were always meant to be.


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