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For many people, social environment can make or break a diet. Food is a very social concept. The choices we make are often impacted by those around us: what they’re eating, how much they’re eating, and how they respond to our choices can positively or negatively impact our weight and health. Food-Pushers are people who, for whatever reason, offer or “force” foods or portions that are not aligned with your needs and preferences. [More]

When people talk about expectations they often wrap it with a preceding description such as “high expectations” or “low expectations” or “no expectations” at all. It is interesting when you look at the traditional definition of what an expectation is and ponder how it fits for your life. [More]

Boundaries are our imaginary lines in the sand that separate and protect us from the many things that threaten to overtake our time, resources and well being. People tend to either have strong, firm boundaries that others recognize and respect, or loose, soft boundaries that are more easily overlooked or crossed. [More]

It seems the holidays always come when money is tight. There is hope for the money conscious and those who are committed to moderation during the holidays based on their principles. [More]

The glamorization of drama on television and in reality shows paints a very different picture about how intimate female friendships are in real life. Friendships are being displayed publicly where the women are acting like they are still going through the " toddler terrible two's." We are all ultimately being represented in an extremely negative manner by these shows. [More]

Back to School Series The start of your college career is just around the corner. You’ve done your campus tour, been assigned your college dorm, signed up for your classes, said goodbye to your high school friends, listened to your parents cry as they anticipate your departure, and wondered what your life will be like as a college student. Will you get along with your roommate? Will your professors be incredibly intimidating? Will your course load be too heavy? Will you find any extracurricular activities that you enjoy? Will you make new friends? Will you be able to manage your finances? And will these be the best or the worst four years of your life? Although this article is by no means comprehensive, it outlines some helpful tips that I’ve gathered during my years as an undergraduate and postgraduate student. These might help you make these the best – and not the worst – years of your life. 1. Get To Know Your Roommate If you are living with a roommate, take the time to get to know him or her. After all, you will be spending the next eight months living right next to each other. After you’ve both settled in, consider going for a walk or grabbing a coffee with him or her just to get to know each other a bit. Even if you are complete opposites, those first conversations are crucial to understanding how to make the most of your time living together. What are your schedules like? Is he or she an early riser or a night owl? How clean or messy is he or she? Though these might seem like trivial questions, appreciating each other’s differences in lifestyle is essential to creating a healthy living situation. Having worked as a Residence Don for two years, I witnessed a strong contrast between roommates who knew how to respect each other’s boundaries and those who didn’t. I would even suggest writing up a quick roommate contract with a short list of what you absolutely need your roommate to respect. A few examples include the need for a quiet study space at certain times during the week, a need to have the freedom to invite friends over on Friday nights, or the need to have a decently clean living space. 2. Do Not Be Shy If you’re like me, meeting a whole new group of strangers can be intimidating. But getting yourself out there is worth it. College is not only an opportunity to improve your mind, but it is also a tremendous opportunity to improve your social life. Like never before, you will have endless crowds of people to interact with – from a variety of cultures, backgrounds, belief systems, interests, and ideas. During my years as an undergraduate and postgraduate student, I noticed a marked difference between high school and college. In high school, meeting new people was more difficult – there were fewer people to befriend and people were less likely to make new friends. However, in university the atmosphere was different. I made new friends left, right, and centre – at the library, in lectures, at school clubs, at formal events, at the school pub, in dorms, and the list continues. 3. Get Involved One thing I will never regret about my university years was my choice to get involved in extracurricular activities. Not only is it a great way to meet new people, but it is also a fantastic way to develop a new skill or try something new. Most colleges and universities have a variety of clubs and activities to choose from, and you can often find out more about them during your orientation week. Try a few in your first month, and if it’s not the right fit, there is bound to be something else that fits you like a glove. Try a salsa class, write for your school newspaper, join an activist group, play a sport, or perform in a play. The options are endless. 4. Start Studying Early Unfortunately, the attractions of dorm life, a fun social life, and engaging extracurricular activities can turn into an unhealthy distraction from your studies. Map out your assignment deadlines, midterms, and final exams as soon as you get your academic syllabi. Divide up the amount of work that you will need to do to perform well, and then ensure to create a weekly schedule that realistically balances your schoolwork and your other interests. There is no need to pull an all-nighter the day before your final exam worth 50% of your final grade. Start early, and you will be a lot less stressed and learn a lot more. 5. Spend Wisely University tuition is already expensive, so it is important to be realistic about your finances. While it is great to go out with your friends, make sure not to overdo it. There are usually a lot of discounts available for students, so find out what deals apply to you. Can you find your books at a second-hand store? Are drinks cheaper on Tuesday nights? Is membership at your university gym cheaper than a regular gym? Saving a bit here and there makes a huge difference in the long run. 6. Do Not Forget to Call Home During my first year as an undergraduate, I miserably failed at calling home. But this was not a healthy choice – neither for me, nor for my parents. It is important to give updates on how you are doing, to remember that there are people who care for you, and to catch up with your loved ones. If your parents are helping you out financially, then remember to thank them every once in a while. If grandma sent you a box of baked cookies, then give her a call to let her know that you appreciate her. There are people who helped you get to where you are today, and they want to know that you remember them. 7. Do Not Be Afraid to Seek Help Being away from home can be difficult. Researchers have found that the stress of a first failed midterm or a low grade on an assignment can lead to a vicious cycle of hopelessness, lack of motivation, and declining academic performance.[1] Universities often experience a peek in the number of students coming to seek help during final exam season. At McGill University, for instance, their mental health clinic serves four times the number of students close to the end of the academic year.[2] If you are feeling stressed, lonely, discouraged, or anxious, do not be afraid to seek help. Your college has a variety of staff available to help you, including a team of mental health professionals. If you just need to talk to someone, there is always a listening ear available. Find out where your college’s counseling office is, and be encouraged that you are not the only one on campus who is finding your new life as a university student a bit of a challenge. Yes, you can make these the best years of your life. [1] Hanlon, C. 2012. Addressing mental health issues on university campuses. State of Mind. [online] Available at: < http://www.aucc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/mental-health-state-of-mind-university-manager-article-summer-2012.pdf> [2] Bradwhaw, J. and Wingrove, J. December 07, 2012. As student stress hits crisis levels, universities look to ease pressure. Globe and Mail. [online] Available at: < http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/as-student-stress-hits-crisis-levels-universities-look-to-ease-pressure/article5902668/>

Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

I feel like I need to have a big sip of water, pat my belly, sigh, and sit back to digest…this book is getting good! Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries….DRUM ROLL PLEASE: Law of Sowing and Reaping: - God’s law on this is not punishment it is reality - When other people reap the consequences for someone else this is called “codependency” - People with no boundaries often interrupt this law Law of Responsibility: - This includes loving others - About being responsible ‘to’ and not for others - Not only giving but in the setting of limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behaviour - It is not good to rescue others from the consequences of their sin as you will only need to do it again Law of Power: - We need to admit we are powerless - We have the power to admit our faults, submit to God, ask for help, turn for help, humble ourselves and apologize when wrong Law of Respect: - We tend to judge other’s people’s boundaries - We need to respect the boundaries of others, in fact we need to love them - If we love and respect people who say no they will love and respect our no Law of Motivation: - We are often motived not by love but by fear of losing it - We need to check our motivations are they based on: fear of anger, fear of losing myself, guilt, payback, approval, over identification with other’s loss Law of Evaluation: - Hurt and harm are different - We need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to (not for) the other person - Need to evaluate the pain caused by our choices Law of Proactivity: - Proactive people show you what they love, what they stand for, what they want, and what they purpose - Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than finding yourself! Law of Envy: - Envy defines good as what I don’t poses - If we focus on what we don’t have we are not being responsible for what we do have - Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something (usually not what you are wanting) - take this to God Law of Activity: - Passivity can become an ally of evil if you do not resist it - God will match our efforts but he will never do the work for us - Trying, failing and trying again is called learning Law of Exposure: - Boundaries need to be made visible to others- they need to see them - Due to unexpressed boundaries relationships will suffer KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE CHAPTER: Boundaries do exist, they will affect us whether we communicate them or not (pg 103) The Ultimate Expression of Power is love (pg 98) We are called into freedom- this freedom results in gratitude and an overflowing heart(pg 94) More people suffer from trying to change others than any other sickness(pg 91) So here we are: the 10 Laws of Boundaries. Many of these seem so very obvious and others, well they are at work and I am sure as we open up we will see how we can work with them and not against them. Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.