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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It was a typical Thursday. I was tucked away in my room and..... [More]

Bullying is a concern for parents, teachers, and children. And this challenge is becoming evermore complex as traditional bullying behaviours are taking new forms on the Internet. School will be in session again. Mothers are scanning flyers from department stores to snatch the latest deal on school supplies. Fathers are planning their morning and afternoon pick-up and drop-off schedules. Girls are picking out their outfit for the first day of school. Boys are gearing up for soccer tryouts. And bullies are cracking their knuckles. Bullying is no small challenge, and its harmful effects span across North America. As discussed in the news this past week, Rehtaeh Parsons, a high school student in Nova Scotia, attempted suicide and passed away this year after a series of incidents of cyber bullying. The perpetrators distributed multiple photos of her online and physically raped her. In Canada, 1 in 3 students are bullied during the academic year.[1] Sadly, of 35 countries that were studied internationally, Canada had the 9th highest rate of bullying for students at the age of 13. In the United States, bullying has increased over the last decade.[2] Researchers estimate that 1 in 5 students are bullied over the course of an academic year, and 8% of students report to have bullied others. Bullying Defined Bullying involves a perpetrator who intends to harm its victim(s) emotionally and/or physically.[3] Moreover, it includes repeated incidents of emotional and/or physical aggression and is characterized by a power imbalance between two or more individuals. According to the Canadian Council on Learning, bullying can be broken down into four broad categories: (1) physical bullying, (2) relational bullying, (3) verbal bullying, and (4) electronic bullying.[4] The last of these is a recent phenomenon that is becoming evermore dominant. Cyber Bullying Cyber bullying involves online forms of aggression, such as forwarding private photos or information of the victim or writing malicious comments directed at the victim on social networking sites. Typically, there are more female than male victims of cyber bullying. In Canada, 73% of victims of cyber bullying reported receiving aggressive emails or instant messages.[5] In the United States, 1 in 5 teenagers has been cyber bullied and approximately the same number of teenagers have been a cyber bully.[6] Studies show that there is frequently a relationship between online and in-person bullying. Cyber bullying tends to contribute to social exclusion for female victims and tends to result in physical bullying for male victims. It Often Starts At Home Researchers have found that the issues that trigger bullying often stem from family dynamics at home.[7] Parents who do not provide a caring environment can harmfully affect their children, who in turn express their discontentment at school. Once the pain of life at home reaches a breaking point, children are more likely to act aggressively towards others. It Usually Happens at School Though the triggers that produce bullying behaviour tend to begin at home, the act of bullying typically occurs at school. Studies show that bullying occurs most prominently during recess and in the classroom.[8] Children commonly find their social life at school, so incidents of bullying are more likely to occur on school grounds. In addition, bullies commonly seek a wider audience to which they can display their power over another. This is especially the case when teachers or supervisors are not present. For instance, schoolyards often lack sufficient supervision, making it easier for bullies to act aggressively towards their victim(s) without any punishment. How Parents Can Help a Victim of Bullying Though children do not always tell an adult about incidents of bullying, those who do tend to turn to their parents for help. In fact, 1 in 3 children turn to their mother or father.[9] This is a great time to asses how life for your child is in general- how is their self esteem etc. A Family Counselor can help to assist in communication with your children and working through issues you may not feel confident tackling. But for those parents whose children have remained silent, these are some warning signs to look out for: unexplained scratches or bruises, unexplained damaged belongings, fear of walking to school or home from school, unpredictable mood swings, anxiety, poor academic performance, and having few friends. How Parents Can Help a Perpetrator of Bullying Once an incident of bullying has been identified, the family of the perpetrator of bullying should be notified. Because bullies commonly grow up in dysfunctional families, researchers recommend that schools involve their parents in the process of preventing future incidents of bullying. When parents must commit to actively helping their child, the positive result can be more sustainable in the long run. There are lots of stresses for Parents with back-to-school coming, to get some perspective on this read more here. Increasing Awareness About Cyber Bullying In the digital age that we live in, it is also important to help children navigate online social interactions. Social media sites and online forums are often the arena in which modern forms of bullying take place. Parents and teachers can educate children about proper online etiquette and inappropriate behavior. If the triggers of bullying behavior are stopped at home and in the classroom, then we can help decrease incidents of bullying overall. [1] Canadian Bullying Statistics. 2012. Canadian Institutes of Health Research. [online] Available at: <http://www.cihr-irsc.gc.ca/e/45838.html> [2] Bullying and Adolescent Health. 2011. Office of Adolescent Health. [online] Available at: <http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/news/e-updates/eupdate-7.html> [3] Bullying in Canada. 2008. Canadian Council on Learning. [online] Available at: <http://www.ccl-cca.ca/pdfs/LessonsInLearning/Mar-20-08-Bullying-in-Canad.pdf> [4] Ibid. [5] Canadian Bullying Statistics. 2012. Canadian Institutes of Health Research. [online] Available at: <http://www.cihr-irsc.gc.ca/e/45838.html> [6] Bullying and Adolescent Health. 2011. Office of Adolescent Health. [online] Available at: <http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/news/e-updates/eupdate-7.html> [7] Rigby, K. 2007. Bullying in Schools and What to Do About It. Victoria, Australia: Acer Press. [8] Ibid. [9] Ibid.

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Ah! Chapter 4: How Boundaries are Developed, finally something to chew on AND a reason to blame the folks! So here we go some stuff that starts to help me make sense of why I live with this skewed sense of boundaries and often so much guilt: Boundaries are built they are not inherited. In fact, boundary development is an ongoing process (whew!) yet the most formative stages happen in our early years! The Bible advises parents to, “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6) Specifically here the authors suggest the parents act as ‘partners’ in helping young children discover what God intended for them. In fact, they go on to say you cannot develop boundaries apart from supportive relationships with others and with God. You see, if we have our boundaries built on unsupportive or misdirected relationships our foundation is flawed… We desire connection and relationship- we were built for it- designed in God’s image for this very purpose. AND you see, many of us KNOW this in our hearts yet we have had a rocky foundation of trust and respect at best and then we have entered the world with the desire for connection and with our misguided and flawed ability to relate to others, ie when to say Yes and how to say No we get hurt. Hurt people, Hurt people… And so the cycle goes on- we seek approval- defy the healthy guidelines for boundaries and then guess what…we get HURT! The authors go through a very systematic and very psychological description of the stages of attachment and growth from about birth to three years. At which point there is a healthy separation and a coming back to parent as one’s own self. It is a very interesting read and ties some adult problems with various stages in this process- worth the read! By the age of three with healthy boundary construction the author’s summarize where our abilities should be at: We can be emotionally attached to others yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart Ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss Ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally AND this is where I get a BIG “F” in my boundary development. Not only was this not constructed as a child I would say when I was 16 or even 30 I was not able to do many of these important tasks! SO when did you last attach to someone but not in a codependent way? When did you NOT hesitate to say No due to the consequences it might entail? When have you been able to receive a NO and not “take it personally” and retreat? I want to leave us with one thought back to childhood- Discipline is a good thing! NOW how does that make you FEEL when you read that? Do you get a bit angry and self-righteous? Do you feel like BIG brother is looking over your shoulder? How were you disciplined? OR like myself NOT disciplined when you were young? Well God gives us some clear guidelines, now if you are not a bible believer that is okay; please take it with a grain of salt that MAYBE there is some good stuff in here and let’s listen to what we may learn from it: “My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.(Hebrews 12:8-11)

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey:“Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 2 So as I sat down to read this chapter I actually felt the weight of the world falling in on me. I spent the day juggling a whole bunch of stuff that really was not my priority nor did it fulfil me. I experienced stress, anxiety, guilt, exhaustion, and physical pain in my back and shoulders as I went through my day and at the end of it I did not really get all I needed to done! Suffice to say, I think there are some internal boundaries with myself, my time, and my priorities which need to be highlighted in my life and then need to be sorted out… What is the saying, “It has to get worse to get better!” YUCK! So Chapter 2 on my journey to freedom, respect, and emotional health… (Remind you: I am a relatively integrated member of society, I am a professional, and I have good ties to my community and church- I am not a mess- I just have some muck to clean up) [WHEW: self-affirmation important here!] So Chapter two was packed with a whole bunch of info. Again, it actually felt very heavy and did not really take me closer to freedom- it was a bunch of definitions: “The Goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever present reality that can increase your love and save your life.” (Pg31) Some relevant facts about boundaries I found out were: A boundary show me where I end and where someone else ends We need to take responsibility for what is ‘ours’ Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out- our fences need gates in them God defines himself as a distinct, separate being and he is responsible for himself Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity and or oneness So here is the part that I think I needed most to hear and need to apply in my life. The authors propose 2 reasons why we need others to help with our boundaries. You see, if you are anything like me when it gets to a sensitive area of your life that you need ‘help’ in or need to make changes in, I actually pull away from others. I tend to think, “Oh me and God; we got this one covered…”, when in actual fact God has designed us to be in relationship with Him and with others…in fact, as the authors suggest the #1 reason we need others to help us grow in boundaries is that our most basic need in life is for relationship the second reason we need others on this journey is that we need new input and teaching. Earlier in the chapter there was a story about how a son who seemed to lack boundaries and yet it was the parents who had not put good solid boundaries in place. Now who is going to change? Would the son somehow see how his life of irresponsibility needs to change OR would the parents all of the sudden put rules into place to help this boundary-less family survive?- AND where are they going to get the insight about how to do this?- FROM OTHER PEOPLE!!! Now I am not suggesting you take advice about boundaries from anyone- in fact, I would actually suggest you have an established relationship with a mentor, head of ministry, or a counselor who can help to speak truth into your life as well as support you when the old patters you are challenging come up and when the guilt or shame wants to haunt you to tell you, you are being selfish- when really you are finally taking a stand for what is right and what is healthy. During this chapter I realized more clearly how my well intentioned mother actually enabled me to have unhealthy boundaries- I would say most of my life (this is not a dump on mom thing I promise) . You see my well intentioned mother protected me from natural consequences as well as knit together a boundary-less relationship with me that would FULLY qualify as co-dependant. What she did was unbiblical and has equipped me for a life of guilt, being overworked, and never trusting too quickly and then getting hurt… So Chapter two did not really hit me with any great ah ha’s BUT I will tell you… I have started Chapter 3 and I think that is where the magic will start to happen! Here’s to healthy relationships, less guilt, and freedom from the “must do’s” I know we all have!

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 1 Do you cringe when you hear the word “boundaries”? Do you struggle with too little time and too many demands on it? Do you feel isolated, helpless, guilt ridden, and out of control? Well, I certainly do! AND I am a well-adjusted, educated, well-travelled, successful mid 30’s gal and my WHOLE life I have known I struggle with boundaries! Okay let’s face it, I don’t really even know what they look like… AND when I do set them up I usually cut someone out or experience heart palpitating guilt and anxiety; as I just don’t know how to work within them. · Guilt · Depression · Eating Disorders · Addictions · Impulsive Disorders · Shame Issues · Panic Disorders · Marital and relations struggles Well according to the authors these issues, “find their roots in conflicts with boundaries.” (Pg,28) And I, like you, and most of the world have battled with many of these exact things. ENOUGH! · with that one drink to make it better · avoiding phone calls · beating myself up · feeling lonely · and striving to make it all better! With much encouragement, I have picked up this book for the 3rd time and I am committed to getting through it and sharing what I am learning and what this world renowned book having sold over 2 Million Copies can do to teach us as the bi-line states “When to say YES, How to say NO, To take control of your life” Chapter one- if you can get through it without needing to resort to your old coping mechanisms takes about 90% of its time going hour by hour through the day in the life of one ‘boundaryless’ mother and wife. It is exhausting to hear how she takes on more that she should and in the end all her efforts to help- leave her children with behavioural issues, her marriage void of intimacy, and her sense of self down in the pits. I actually felt nauseas when I read this section for the 3rd time AND in fact think this is why I never have read more- it is just too damn depressing and it is so ME! By the end of the chapter they have taken our new friend Sherri and shown us what some of her major flaws are (pg. 26-27): 1) 1) trying harder is not working2) being nice out of fear is not working3) taking responsibility for others is not working The Chapter ends quite quickly after we are done with Sherri’s exhausting day and in the second to last paragraph we see a small glimpse of hope and a foreshadowing of things to come, “Our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intends for you as his child.”(pg. 28) Do you want to achieve relationships and purposes intended for you? Well, let’s do it! Let’s dive in, get through the muck and see where we land at the end of 16 chapters! Here’s to the freedom I KNOW we really want!

The origins of Thanksgiving have nothing to do with a bunch of Indians and pilgrims sitting down for a bountiful feast of turkey. In reality although the settlers with pale faces had been bothering the Indians in addition to giving them many new diseases they had never had were starving by this time. The Indians took pity on them and brought them some corn and fish. Thanksgiving has a lot of emotional disappointment and this article will show you how to deal with this. This is a period of time in which you are expected to give to others and be generous. Although the intention is good it often leads to self sacrifice and disappointment. This is a period of time in which you must balance your newfound humanitarianism with the demands on your own life. If you do not continue to reach your own immediate goals either at work or at home you will find yourself being irritable and exhausted. Remember that an obligation to give to others does not mean that you have to sacrifice your own needs. You must remember to give yourself some time for your own physical and mental well-being. It is a time when we most often neglect the things we do to make ourselves happy and keep ourselves balanced like exercise, yoga, or other spiritual practices for your own physical and mental well-being This is a time to find some positive solutions to deal with your family members past resentments. Remember that when I family system gets back together it quickly returns to whatever difficulties encountered before. Even if you're the only person in the room aware of this it may help you from dealing with the fallacy that "now that we're all together we must be alright." This leads to the need to decide on your priorities and organize your time adequately. I this will counteract your feelings that you have not a planned enough for Thanksgiving. If you find additional time you can always volunteer to feed the poor would do random acts of kindness. You may also need to have planned out some unstructured inexpensive holiday activity because this holiday evokes a feeling of being served good food rather than organizing fun things to participate in. Spending some time thinking about this will save the day when you are reunited with your family and no one knows what to do. One of the major fallacies are that Thanksgiving will take away feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, anger and frustration. This holiday is heavily advertised is a time in which everyone appreciates being together. The fallacy behind that becomes clear when you are reuniting with family members and you realize why you have become independent of them. You may find yourself being overwhelmed with anger or fear or worse yet feeling alone being surrounded by your family. The worst emotion that creeps up on this holiday is resentment. It is usually triggered by a previous bad relationship with a family member. Beware of grudges and slights you have suffered in the past and keep them from resurfacing. Thanksgiving is designed to encourage gluttony. This is not an open invitation to eat too much. Remember that most people with eating disorders simply want to have something to control in their lives and to avoid the resentment and self-hatred you will naturally feel after eating way past feeling hungry. This includes other over indulgences. You know by now what you need to keep a careful eye on so that you don't lose control and this may be an opportunity to set an example with other family members who still have raging addictions. You may want to have some contingency plans when they become abusively angry, drunk or chemically impaired. If it the end of the holiday feast you find yourself still feeling depressed or resentful remember what the Indians did. They didn't like these foreigners who is strange customs and behaviors showed such a resentment towards nature that it disrupted and destroyed the Indian culture. Yet they still took pity on these poor starving people and threw them a fish or two.