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At the early stages of a relationship, getting into a fight resembles a small crack in a water dam. Initially, the crack can be easily fixed, but with the passing of time, the water penetrates the crack and widens it. [More]

In a healthy relationship it is possible to be supportive without sacrificing yourself, but with a clingy person you may find that you are giving away more of yourself than you would like. How do you set boundaries without hurting her? [More]

For many, an emotional affair is as severe as a physical one. What you can do if you've been hurt by someone who crossed lines in your relationship. [More]

Shopping! How many of us love that one word. And nowadays we can do it right from our IPhone and laptops. But when does "Add To Cart" turn into "Subtract My Happiness?" [More]

Believe it or not, one common source of relationship problems is a pet. In fact, many couples find themselves arguing over their pets for numerous reasons. While these arguments may seem minor and not necessary to sit down and address, the reality is that they can, overtime, cause more major disagreements or problems. [More]

Sexual problems can be from medical or endocrine related problems. A specialist can be consulted. Fertility doctors can assist with problems getting or maintaining pregnancy. Sex Therapist can provide techniques for premature ejaculation or vaginal discomfort as well as helping couples rediscover their passion. [More]

Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Well on the eve of Christmas I think it is timely that we deal with this chapter called “Boundaries and Your Family” A few important things have stuck out for me in this section. Primarily, how we can make a change on the outside yet if the change is not in our hearts or in our minds or our values then it will only be actions and in fact, we will be easily swayed to the old way; as well as, possibly feel guilty for this internal inconsistency. Specifically, this relates to how we have separated ourselves from our families. We may have chosen to move to a different town, gotten married, even had kids, yet we still feel a pull from the familial roots we have come from as we have not made a change to move away in our hearts. This moving away is a sign of maturity and growth. Later in the chapter we read about how God asks us to really leave our families and to be adopted by Him. Have you done that? Do you identify with who you are as the daughter of “Sally” or as a ‘Daughter of the King’ ? Where is your compass set to? Towards your family of origin and the guilt, hurts, and abuse from the past OR towards Freedom and the future? I was just discussing today how this Christmas will probably be full of stress and unmet expectations. A Godly friend questioned me with whom do I identify? With the sins of my family’s past and the guilt and codependency of my youth or with the freedom I can have in Christ ?AND where are my expectations…if on ANYONE but God I am sure to get disappointed this holiday season! It seems like the rubber meets the road for me in this Chapter. I desire to be well rounded. To have my mind and heart focused on God’s goodness, yet I seem to get pulled back into needing affirmation and approval by people who actually cannot even fully affirm or approve me! “Many times we are not obeying the Word of God because we have not spiritually left home.”(Pg 138) Here are a few points on how to bring resolution to boundary problems in the family <!--[if !supportLists]-->1)<!--[endif]-->Identify the Symptom <!--[if !supportLists]-->2)<!--[endif]-->Identify the conflict <!--[if !supportLists]-->3)<!--[endif]-->Identify the need that drives the conflict <!--[if !supportLists]-->4)<!--[endif]-->Take in and receive the good <!--[if !supportLists]-->5)<!--[endif]-->Practice boundary skills <!--[if !supportLists]-->6)<!--[endif]-->Say no to the Bad <!--[if !supportLists]-->7)<!--[endif]-->Forgive the Aggressor <!--[if !supportLists]-->8)<!--[endif]-->Respond, Don’t React <!--[if !supportLists]-->9)<!--[endif]-->Learn to love in freedom and responsibility , Not in guilt Well, I desire as Christmas comes closer to apply these items and to hopefully have a love, peace, and boundary filled holiday! Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.