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Many of us plan vacations to get away from our busy schedules. Arlene Uhi’s text, The Complete Idiots Guide to Beating Stress, suggests that much of the stress we experience is often connected to our daily routines (i.e. commute, commitments, and concerns) (Uhi 2006). According to a recent 2009 study completed by Joudrey and Wallace, active leisure pursuits (such as taking a vacation) helped reduce job related stress among a sample of 900 participants (Whitbourne 2010). Beyond the individual benefits, taking a vacation can also help increase family bonding, communication, and solidarity.A vacation can (Uhi 2006): Slow down our frantic routine Temporarily relieve us from our chores Provide space and time to reflect Provide space to recondition negative habits Teach us new stress-beating skills that we can adapt to our daily life. The author suggests that you choose a getaway that will instill calmness and relaxation. Taking a break from routine can help decrease hormone activity related to stress and hyperarousal. Give yourself an opportunity to escape from your daily rituals and experience something new. Any new activity that breaks away from your comfort will likely lead to increased satisfaction and joy. Activities you may want to consider: Pampering Spas Receiving a massage Enter a whirlpool or hot spring Mud bath treatment Getting a Facial Yoga Vacations Learn and practice Yoga Enjoy peaceful surroundings Meet a diverse group of individuals Active Adventures Bicycling Tours Camping Golf or Tennis Camps Multisport tours Walking Tours Beach or Patio Vacations References: Uhl, A. (2006). The complete idiot's guide to beating stress. New York, N.Y: Alpha Books. Whitbourne, Susan (2010). The importance of vacations to our physical and mental health. Psychology Today: Sussex Publishers Counselling Services for York Region

Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Part of the traditional marriage vows indicate a partner's willingness to remain together in sickness and in health. So, could getting married to remain healthy as good of a reason to tie the knot as love? Many researchers over the years have reported that marriage is good for your health and that healthy married people are less likely to die at the same rate as unmarried people. More recent research agreed that marriage is, in fact, a positive move, up until the point that a person's health begins declining. A 20-year study showed healthy, unmarried people were about 75 percent more likely to have died than married people. So, what does that really mean? At a glance, it seems that marriage encourages people to be healthy due to having a purpose in life; that purpose being that they are depended upon in a relationship by their partner. It makes you wonder if love fades, then, at the same rate as health fades. Some people think that married people are less likely to report having failing health than singles are. On many occasions, it seems that by the time a married person reports their health problems, they may already be very close to the end of their life. Let's look at all of this in another way. Obviously, those who are in a good, positive marriage will most likely be in better health, if only due to being happy without much drama or stress in their lives. So, that being said, it makes you wonder if men and women show the same health-related advantages as a result of being married. For men, it appears that the happier their marriage, the higher their survival rate. For example, married men who had to undergo heart surgery were more than twice as likely than unmarried men to be alive 10 to 15 years later. For women, the status of their marriage is even more important. Women who are very satisfied with their marriages increase their survival rate almost four times of that of their unmarried counterparts. It seems that there really is a connection between love and happiness. Married people are likely to be happy with life compared to those who are single, living together, separated, divorced, or widowed. Also worth noting, a good marriage is better for your quality of life than a high-paying job. Married people are less depressed and having fewer mental issues than singles as well. This is likely because of trust in the marriage and the ability to talk about things with your spouse, knowing you will not be judged. There are studies that show mental health increases substantially for marrieds and deteriorates substantially for divorcees or those who are separated. More statistics indicate that marrieds also have lower blood pressure, lower stress levels, and better immune systems. Obviously, there are other things about marriage to consider. Marriage will not sustain itself. It takes a lot of work and commitment to maintain a wonderful, happy relationship. No marriage goes from start to finish without problems along the way. If you are having problems, such as arguing, not talking at all, or you or your spouse are experiencing low self-esteem, you should seek professional help. In order to maintain a healthy, lovely marriage, it is important to go back to the basics. No doubt you have heard or read all of these things many times before, but it bears repeating that all of these things are the basics for living in a healthy marriage. Communicate - For any relationship, including marriage, communication is the key to healthy relationships. Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and other problems. Be Positive - Negativity weakens a marriage and will eventually damage it if you are not careful. Have Sex - Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. Remember to hug, kiss, hold hands, and talk. It isn't hard to fall into the cycle of feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. Understanding and Respect - Understand the way your spouse likes to be loved. Respect your spouse, and show you appreciate your spouse by staying thank you often. Show appreciation to your spouse as often as possible. Quality Time - Make it a priority to spend time together as a couple in love. This is especially important once children enter your world. If you have to, schedule time for a date on your calendars and take turns choosing where you will go or what you will do on your date. Do this at least once a month; once a week is preferable. Get Help when Needed - The most important piece of advice is this: Realize that there are trying times in any marriage, and accept the fact that there may be times when you and your spouse need to seek professional help to get you through a crossroads. People change, situations change, and relationships change. What you do not want to happen is to turn into a couple who share a space with no emotional attachment. The most important consideration is the quality of your marriage. Many different researches have concluded that a happy marriage can add a number of years to your life. Marriage is an important factor to think about, all while making sure to treat your spouse with respect. So, any way you look at it, a strong marriage really is something worth working for. If you are having issues in your marriage that you cannot seem to work through on your own, as a couple, it is time to seek professional help. Let the trained counselors at the Orange County Relationship Center help you through the rough times so you can maintain a positive relationship with your spouse. Call us today at 949-220-3211, or schedule an appointment online.

Like all great artists and masters of language, Mr. Cameron's genius opens up the deeper and sometimes hidden collective themes and truths of life. On the surface, "The Abyss" presents a good story filled with elements of mission, danger and risk. Basically the story is about a team of people on an undersea drilling rig who are asked by the military to salvage a wrecked submarine in the depths of the ocean. The incentive for the team's acceptance is money. They are beset by numerous catastrophes ; however, in the midst of these they encounter an advanced non human race of aquatic beings living in the deeper abyss. These translucent beautiful aliens can only be compared to the angelic. The hero is played by Ed Harris and he is married to the heroine Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. In the midst of their heightened marital discord and disharmony, they must join forces for the sake of the mission. It seems an impossible task for them to transcend their anger and bitterness toward one another. We are enthralled as the story becomes more complicated with the uncovering of an evil plot brought aboard by two of the military members. The heroine is shunned by the team. Although she is clever and can run a ship, they see her as an arrogant and dominating woman who is far too self serving. She wears her intelligence and superior position as a threat to others. However, it is to this woman that the angelic beings first appear in the depths of her despair and helplessness. The story takes us through chaos, the struggle between good and evil, the threat of nuclear war, the limits of humanity, pride and humility which finally lead to redemption. The essential and core threads that create this marvelous tapestry are the moral choices made by the hero and heroine: the husband and wife. Initially we see the enraged husband take off his wedding band and throw it into the toilet only to turn back and retrieve what he has thrown away. As the story unfolds, he is the one who looks upon his unconscious apparently drowned wife and with determined passion brings her back to life. It is the crisis that returns them to their original love through choices of forgiveness and sacrifice. We witness the vulnerability and tears of the real heroine underneath her armour after her encounter with death and her rescue by her husband. When at the crescendo of the film the hero is as well at death's door, he is saved by the gentle graceful alien of the seas. She communicates to him an eternal truth which he embraces and which indeed makes him a hero. It is in the simple acts of forgiveness to our spouse and as well the moral choices that we make for the good of the other that set us free. Each time we forgive the other and each time we look to others before ourselves, we become heroes of our own lives. "Only the weak hang on to hatred and bitterness ... the strong ones forgive." - Mahatma Gandhi

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad. No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss. Overcoming loss A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine. You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out. You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time? What will it be like to be alone? Will you ever find someone else, or even want to? Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling. Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses. Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them. Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it. Lessons learned From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience. To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup. As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

How can I tell if my marriage is in trouble? [More]

By Thomas Wright, M. Th. WHAT ARE THE PHASES MARRIAGES GO THROUGH? Marriages that last go through five different phases. Some marriages never last long enough to experience all of them and some marriages get bogged down in the middle end never mature. Marriage is a developmental process. The first phase is romance. Romance is characterized by fantasy. You are not yet deeply acquainted with your spouse so you get to imagine them as you wish them to be. Each is putting his best foot forward to avoid discovery and disappointment. The second phase is disillusionment. This occurs as you begin to discover that the real live human being sitting across from, you at the table is not exactly what you had imagined. Often a feeling of disappointment accompanies the displacement of hope and fantasy with reality. At this point people usually settle in and try to improve things by working hard at being nice and accepting the things about their mate that disappoint or irritate them. Unfortunately, the harder you try, the worse you feel This leads to despair, which is the third phase of marriage. The reason things get worse is that trying is lying, and closeness requires honesty. A crisis point is often reached in this phase. There are three ways to respond to this crisis; bail out through separation or divorce, settle in for a life of quiet desperation, or accept the challenge and work for growth. The fourth phase, for those who accept the challenge is growth. This is a somewhat frightening process of ups and downs characterized by pain—gain experiences. Honest self—disclosure often leads to painful discoveries and readjustments. There seems to be a relationship between the amount of pain you are willing to experience in this process and the amount of gain you can expect in terms of a strong intimate relationship. The fifth phase is maturing love. This kind of love is both joyful and sad. Mature love is love without innocence, love with a memory of the struggle. Couples who have been willing to go the distance can say, ‘There is someone who knows me through and through and loves me still.” This is what marriage is all about, isn’t it?