Theravive Home

Therapy News And Blogging

November 30, 2012
by Gloria Day

gloria day profile picture

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 5

November 30, 2012 09:39 by Gloria Day  [About the Author]

gloria day profile picture
I feel like I need to have a big sip of water, pat my belly, sigh, and sit back to digest…this book is getting good! Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries….DRUM ROLL PLEASE: Law of Sowing and Reaping: - God’s law on this is not punishment it is reality - When other people reap the consequences for someone else this is called “codependency” - People with no boundaries often interrupt this law Law of Responsibility: - This includes loving others - About being responsible ‘to’ and not for others - Not only giving but in the setting of limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behaviour - It is not good to rescue others from the consequences of their sin as you will only need to do it again Law of Power: - We need to admit we are powerless - We have the power to admit our faults, submit to God, ask for help, turn for help, humble ourselves and apologize when wrong Law of Respect: - We tend to judge other’s people’s boundaries - We need to respect the boundaries of others, in fact we need to love them - If we love and respect people who say no they will love and respect our no Law of Motivation: - We are often motived not by love but by fear of losing it - We need to check our motivations are they based on: fear of anger, fear of losing myself, guilt, payback, approval, over identification with other’s loss Law of Evaluation: - Hurt and harm are different - We need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to (not for) the other person - Need to evaluate the pain caused by our choices Law of Proactivity: - Proactive people show you what they love, what they stand for, what they want, and what they purpose - Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than finding yourself! Law of Envy: - Envy defines good as what I don’t poses - If we focus on what we don’t have we are not being responsible for what we do have - Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something (usually not what you are wanting) - take this to God Law of Activity: - Passivity can become an ally of evil if you do not resist it - God will match our efforts but he will never do the work for us - Trying, failing and trying again is called learning Law of Exposure: - Boundaries need to be made visible to others- they need to see them - Due to unexpressed boundaries relationships will suffer KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE CHAPTER: Boundaries do exist, they will affect us whether we communicate them or not (pg 103) The Ultimate Expression of Power is love (pg 98) We are called into freedom- this freedom results in gratitude and an overflowing heart(pg 94) More people suffer from trying to change others than any other sickness(pg 91) So here we are: the 10 Laws of Boundaries. Many of these seem so very obvious and others, well they are at work and I am sure as we open up we will see how we can work with them and not against them. Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

November 26, 2012
by Gloria Day

gloria day profile picture

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 4

November 26, 2012 20:59 by Gloria Day  [About the Author]

gloria day profile picture
Ah! Chapter 4: How Boundaries are Developed, finally something to chew on AND a reason to blame the folks! So here we go some stuff that starts to help me make sense of why I live with this skewed sense of boundaries and often so much guilt: Boundaries are built they are not inherited. In fact, boundary development is an ongoing process (whew!) yet the most formative stages happen in our early years! The Bible advises parents to, “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6) Specifically here the authors suggest the parents act as ‘partners’ in helping young children discover what God intended for them. In fact, they go on to say you cannot develop boundaries apart from supportive relationships with others and with God. You see, if we have our boundaries built on unsupportive or misdirected relationships our foundation is flawed… We desire connection and relationship- we were built for it- designed in God’s image for this very purpose. AND you see, many of us KNOW this in our hearts yet we have had a rocky foundation of trust and respect at best and then we have entered the world with the desire for connection and with our misguided and flawed ability to relate to others, ie when to say Yes and how to say No we get hurt. Hurt people, Hurt people… And so the cycle goes on- we seek approval- defy the healthy guidelines for boundaries and then guess what…we get HURT! The authors go through a very systematic and very psychological description of the stages of attachment and growth from about birth to three years. At which point there is a healthy separation and a coming back to parent as one’s own self. It is a very interesting read and ties some adult problems with various stages in this process- worth the read! By the age of three with healthy boundary construction the author’s summarize where our abilities should be at: We can be emotionally attached to others yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart Ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss Ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally AND this is where I get a BIG “F” in my boundary development. Not only was this not constructed as a child I would say when I was 16 or even 30 I was not able to do many of these important tasks! SO when did you last attach to someone but not in a codependent way? When did you NOT hesitate to say No due to the consequences it might entail? When have you been able to receive a NO and not “take it personally” and retreat? I want to leave us with one thought back to childhood- Discipline is a good thing! NOW how does that make you FEEL when you read that? Do you get a bit angry and self-righteous? Do you feel like BIG brother is looking over your shoulder? How were you disciplined? OR like myself NOT disciplined when you were young? Well God gives us some clear guidelines, now if you are not a bible believer that is okay; please take it with a grain of salt that MAYBE there is some good stuff in here and let’s listen to what we may learn from it: “My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.(Hebrews 12:8-11)

November 22, 2012
by Gloria Day

gloria day profile picture

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 3

November 22, 2012 20:00 by Gloria Day  [About the Author]

gloria day profile picture
So I am still struggling with this material. I am finding it very heady and not so much about practical application at this time. Chapter three I think in the title sums up pretty much where I am at “Boundary Problems” And here is what they had to say. We assume the person who has trouble setting boundaries is the one with the problem but often it is the one who does not keep others boundaries who has issues There are Functional Boundaries referring to completion of tasks ie with time management , performance, and discipline There are Relational Boundaries which involves speaking the truth to others we are in relationship with. 4 types of Boundary Problems: 1) The Compliant: They cannot say “NO”, they feel guilty and or controlled by others and can’t set boundaries. These people melt into the demands of others. They may have had parents who taught boundaries were bad. Their spiritual and emotional radar is broken and they cannot guard their hearts. Fear stops the compliant from saying no. They will say yes to the bad because saying no will cause more guilt. 2) The Nonresponsive: Can’t say “YES”, they will set boundaries against responsibility to love. They may have a critical spirit or be very self-absorbed in their own issues. 3) The Controller: Can’t hear “NO”, they aggressively or manipulatively violate boundaries of others. No means maybe and maybe means yes. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives so they try to control others. They are actually emotionally isolated as people stay with them out of fear. 4) The Avoidant: Cannot hear “YES”. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others. They withdraw and do not ask for help. Their walls do not have gates they will not let anyone in. A Compliant Avoidant has reversed boundaries they have none where they need them and some where they should not be. So which type of boundary problems do you have? I would say for myself I actually have a bit of all. I think as I fail in one area I then pull out a new tactic. Overall, I would say I am a compliant and the guilt and shame associated with setting a boundary makes me feel selfish and not responsible. I know this is wrong and I do believe this is tied into my need to be validated. What I am saying is, if I were to set a boundary that someone may not like then I would risk…well…not being liked by them… Just look at this world we live in; it is set up on a structure of validation. Take Facebook for example, when was the last time you posted something and got a warm fuzzy when the number of “likes” grew. We live in a culture that teaches us to look "out" to get validation. I believe as we delve deeper into our boundary issues, we will see it comes down to self-worth…and we cannot tackle the issue of self-worth without looking to the One who created us and to see what He says about us…here a few nuggets to mediate on: We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4

November 19, 2012
by Gloria Day

gloria day profile picture

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 2

November 19, 2012 08:05 by Gloria Day  [About the Author]

gloria day profile picture
An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey:“Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 2 So as I sat down to read this chapter I actually felt the weight of the world falling in on me. I spent the day juggling a whole bunch of stuff that really was not my priority nor did it fulfil me. I experienced stress, anxiety, guilt, exhaustion, and physical pain in my back and shoulders as I went through my day and at the end of it I did not really get all I needed to done! Suffice to say, I think there are some internal boundaries with myself, my time, and my priorities which need to be highlighted in my life and then need to be sorted out… What is the saying, “It has to get worse to get better!” YUCK! So Chapter 2 on my journey to freedom, respect, and emotional health… (Remind you: I am a relatively integrated member of society, I am a professional, and I have good ties to my community and church- I am not a mess- I just have some muck to clean up) [WHEW: self-affirmation important here!] So Chapter two was packed with a whole bunch of info. Again, it actually felt very heavy and did not really take me closer to freedom- it was a bunch of definitions: “The Goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever present reality that can increase your love and save your life.” (Pg31) Some relevant facts about boundaries I found out were: A boundary show me where I end and where someone else ends We need to take responsibility for what is ‘ours’ Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out- our fences need gates in them God defines himself as a distinct, separate being and he is responsible for himself Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity and or oneness So here is the part that I think I needed most to hear and need to apply in my life. The authors propose 2 reasons why we need others to help with our boundaries. You see, if you are anything like me when it gets to a sensitive area of your life that you need ‘help’ in or need to make changes in, I actually pull away from others. I tend to think, “Oh me and God; we got this one covered…”, when in actual fact God has designed us to be in relationship with Him and with others…in fact, as the authors suggest the #1 reason we need others to help us grow in boundaries is that our most basic need in life is for relationship the second reason we need others on this journey is that we need new input and teaching. Earlier in the chapter there was a story about how a son who seemed to lack boundaries and yet it was the parents who had not put good solid boundaries in place. Now who is going to change? Would the son somehow see how his life of irresponsibility needs to change OR would the parents all of the sudden put rules into place to help this boundary-less family survive?- AND where are they going to get the insight about how to do this?- FROM OTHER PEOPLE!!! Now I am not suggesting you take advice about boundaries from anyone- in fact, I would actually suggest you have an established relationship with a mentor, head of ministry, or a counselor who can help to speak truth into your life as well as support you when the old patters you are challenging come up and when the guilt or shame wants to haunt you to tell you, you are being selfish- when really you are finally taking a stand for what is right and what is healthy. During this chapter I realized more clearly how my well intentioned mother actually enabled me to have unhealthy boundaries- I would say most of my life (this is not a dump on mom thing I promise) . You see my well intentioned mother protected me from natural consequences as well as knit together a boundary-less relationship with me that would FULLY qualify as co-dependant. What she did was unbiblical and has equipped me for a life of guilt, being overworked, and never trusting too quickly and then getting hurt… So Chapter two did not really hit me with any great ah ha’s BUT I will tell you… I have started Chapter 3 and I think that is where the magic will start to happen! Here’s to healthy relationships, less guilt, and freedom from the “must do’s” I know we all have!

November 15, 2012
by Gloria Day

gloria day profile picture

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 1

November 15, 2012 12:17 by Gloria Day  [About the Author]

gloria day profile picture
An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey: “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 1 Do you cringe when you hear the word “boundaries”? Do you struggle with too little time and too many demands on it? Do you feel isolated, helpless, guilt ridden, and out of control? Well, I certainly do! AND I am a well-adjusted, educated, well-travelled, successful mid 30’s gal and my WHOLE life I have known I struggle with boundaries! Okay let’s face it, I don’t really even know what they look like… AND when I do set them up I usually cut someone out or experience heart palpitating guilt and anxiety; as I just don’t know how to work within them. · Guilt · Depression · Eating Disorders · Addictions · Impulsive Disorders · Shame Issues · Panic Disorders · Marital and relations struggles Well according to the authors these issues, “find their roots in conflicts with boundaries.” (Pg,28) And I, like you, and most of the world have battled with many of these exact things. ENOUGH! · with that one drink to make it better · avoiding phone calls · beating myself up · feeling lonely · and striving to make it all better! With much encouragement, I have picked up this book for the 3rd time and I am committed to getting through it and sharing what I am learning and what this world renowned book having sold over 2 Million Copies can do to teach us as the bi-line states “When to say YES, How to say NO, To take control of your life” Chapter one- if you can get through it without needing to resort to your old coping mechanisms takes about 90% of its time going hour by hour through the day in the life of one ‘boundaryless’ mother and wife. It is exhausting to hear how she takes on more that she should and in the end all her efforts to help- leave her children with behavioural issues, her marriage void of intimacy, and her sense of self down in the pits. I actually felt nauseas when I read this section for the 3rd time AND in fact think this is why I never have read more- it is just too damn depressing and it is so ME! By the end of the chapter they have taken our new friend Sherri and shown us what some of her major flaws are (pg. 26-27): 1) 1) trying harder is not working2) being nice out of fear is not working3) taking responsibility for others is not working The Chapter ends quite quickly after we are done with Sherri’s exhausting day and in the second to last paragraph we see a small glimpse of hope and a foreshadowing of things to come, “Our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intends for you as his child.”(pg. 28) Do you want to achieve relationships and purposes intended for you? Well, let’s do it! Let’s dive in, get through the muck and see where we land at the end of 16 chapters! Here’s to the freedom I KNOW we really want!

October 14, 2012
by Dr. Kevin Kappler, Ph.D.

Setting healthy boundaries without putting your loved ones in a box

October 14, 2012 15:02 by Dr. Kevin Kappler, Ph.D.  [About the Author]

There is nothing more true than the old phrase, "good fences make good neighbors." In personal relationships having unhealthy boundaries create much pain because to a great extent we define ourselves in relation to others. The problem occurs when our own needs, feelings and opinions become ignored. From there it's one easy step into becoming overwhelmed by that other person. Not being able to set good boundaries usually starts with being in a family where there are no or vague examples of this. Family members become enmeshed as more dominant personalities emerge. Issues around codependency and caretaking as well as becoming a victim soon become the focal point of a major power struggle. Living in a family where there are no clear boundaries leaves it difficult to know psychologically where the other person stops and you start. As a result children grow up without a clear picture of themselves and a desire or need to find someone else to be enmeshed with just like things were when they were growing up. Just as physical boundaries go as far as our bodies and our allowing other people to control them emotional boundaries act the same way. Good boundaries allow us to define our feelings and needs as well as those of people who are important to us. Poor boundaries leave us responsible for the feelings and needs of others and a tendency to neglect our own. As a result we can no longer ask for what we want or need and are often labeled compulsive people pleasers. Another aspect is taking on the emotions of those around us. We become depressed or angry with ourselves simply because we are very close to someone who is doing that to themselves and broadcasting it so strongly that it drowns out the fact that they are depressed or emotionally unstable and you could not cause it or was not a part of it. We have two choices in a relationship. The first is to set emotional and physical boundaries ourselves in terms of respect for and an ability to express our feelings. The second is to allow other people to do that for us. Usually if this happens we start to find other people becoming emotionally or physically intrusive in our ability to say no goes out the window. There is no more a startling example of this than a child who feels responsible for their parents depression, addiction or low self-esteem. Without someone setting good boundaries as an example and telling the child that their parents may be depressed but it's not their fault the child will continue to think its all their fault that their parents are that way. As the child grows up they have continued difficulty in separating out issues of emotional responsibility and often feel overwhelmed by the world. Simply establishing the notion of boundaries is not enough. This can be either too rigid or too loose. People with extremely rigid boundaries shutout everyone else from their lives and are often seen by others as aloof and distant. They may be criticized for not being able to talk about their feelings. They meet become very fearful of letting someone touch them or become physically close as well. These are the people who build their boundaries like an immense stone castle to ensure that no one breaks in. People with boundaries that are too loose on the other hand have much difficulty describing what's theirs and what isn't. This may begin as a child when we wish that the lights which would turn on or off and think somehow we can control it. Loose boundaries mean that you are a bundle of feelings and desires that may even express themselves inappropriately. On the other hand we can easily become emotionally capsized like a little boat in the sea. These type of people are often emotionally overwhelmed and too involved in others. It's hard for them to judge if a feeling or thought is theirs and their lives are full of drama as if they lived in a house that had no doors and people simply came and went. Somewhere in between these two extremes are people who create healthy boundaries that are firm yet flexible. They can give and take support. They own up to their own feelings, needs and opinions as well as respect those of others. It then is easy to acknowledge someone else's business. You can then be assertive without getting angry. Respecting the thoughts and feelings of others and having an open mind to them happens when you don't feel that they will invade and take over your sense of yourself. The problem is getting to that position. You can start by identifying your need to set a boundary and do it without anger or argument. A clear example of this is saying to someone who is very close to you "I will not listen to you when you use foul language." This is very helpful when dealing with people who suffer from addictions. Setting a boundary would mean "if you decide to use drugs in front of me I will go away." When you find that you have set a boundary but are still caretaking someone else's feelings you know that this boundary is not strong enough. So long as you remain responsible for someone else's emotional mess you have not separated yourself from them and cannot be effective in helping them take responsibility and deal with their feelings. Being able to say this clearly without upsetting others is something that needs to be learned. Being able to say "when you get upset at me that is your problem if you can't tell me clearly what it is that is annoying you." This frequently comes into play when you're dealing with friends who lack resources or insightfulness and seem to play out the same emotional drama with you over and over again despite any attempts at finding a solution. There is a difference between setting boundaries and being selfish. You will notice however that usually the first reaction to setting a healthy boundary is the outcry of the other person that you're no longer willing to play the game and don't care about them anymore. That is when you need to remind yourself that if you walk your dog you will have to clean up after it but when you walking with a friend that is no longer your responsibility. Generally people don't like to be given the power to change and find solutions to their problems. They feel much more comfortable sucking up the empathy that you may give. It's like having a friend who is very childish and trying to treat them like an adult. There are certain emotional warning signs that your boundaries are under stress. Feeling anxious or having low self-esteem are usually warning signs that you are not taking care of yourself. Anger or resentment and others that is ill-defined is another indication that your boundaries may be like a bucket with a hole in it were either things come in or they drip out. Rest assured that when you send a boundary with someone else you will be tested especially by people who are accustomed to controlling you, abusing you, or manipulating you to their advantage. Plan on it and expect it. Be prepared to be firm about the boundary you set despite their emotional uproar. People tend not to like to play a game in which the rules have been reset but once they realize that the boundary you have created is fair they will calm down. So in conclusion setting boundaries is not boxing people in or out but it's drawing a line in the sand and saying this is mine and that's yours.

November 16, 2011
by Christie Hunter

Tanya Glover

The Art of Self Awareness and Self Reflection

November 16, 2011 12:14 by Christie Hunter  [About the Author]

Tanya Glover
By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor As complex human beings, we all can benefit from self refection and self awareness. They are both important parts of who we are and who we aim to become. Self Awareness Being self aware means having the ability look within ourselves to get a clear snapshot of our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, motivations and our personality in general. Becoming self aware is harder than one may think. It is not just simply being aware, but experiencing a heightened sense of awareness. Though this heightened awareness you can more easily interpret your thoughts and emotions and figure out what your true feelings and motivations are. Self awareness if important because once you are able to figure out these things about yourself, you can make the changes you need to make your life better. Emotional intelligence (being able to identify and control your emotions) is directly connected to becoming self aware and plays an important role in becoming a successful human being. Why Be Self Aware? By becoming self aware, you are creating the things you need to become in control of your emotions and behaviors. When you reach a high level of self awareness it is almost as if your thoughts are speaking to you directly, helping you to figure out what paths to take in your life. You will be able to control how you react to things and how to focus your attentions to the most beneficial areas. These things are what help you to make positive changes in your life. Without self awareness, it can be very difficult to steer your thoughts and emotions in a healthy direction and you may find it hard to make good decisions in your life. In essence, becoming self aware is the first step on the journey to finding the best you are and how to direct that energy into positive directions. Self awareness is also a vital part in having good and healthy relationships. This goes for romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships and relationships with co-workers. By changing the way your mind interprets what you think you are able to also change your emotions which in turn helps to enhance the quality of the relationships in your life. Being self aware also allows you to understand others better and be able to empathize with them which also helps build better relationships. How to Become Self Aware The most basic way to begin your development of self awareness is to practice putting your focus on all the details of your personality and behaviors, even the smallest details as they can prove to be the most important things that effect who we are. You cannot learn how to become self aware by reading a book. A book can indeed teach you things and but you on the right path to self awareness, but you have to remember that when reading a book, what you are focusing your attention on is the concepts it is teaching you. What you must focus on to become self aware in the concepts in your own mind that deal with you, your emotions and your behaviors. In a way, learning how to become self aware is like learning a new dance step. You are conscious of each step you are making and to the beat of the music. Think of yourself as the dancer who has to pay attention to the beat of the music. The dance is you and the beat is your mind and the consciousness of what it contains. When you are a dancer and you make a misstep, you have to rethink what caused it. It is the same way when you are becoming self aware. When you experience a stressful or emotional situation or moment we must stop and take it all. By doing this you are looking for the triggers of your emotion or behavior. If you can figure this out, you can avoid the triggers or find a way to confront them, changing how your react to them. According to many mental health professionals, there are five specific ways for a person to become happier in their lives through self awareness. ØChange your core beliefs ØHush the voices in your head telling you to react ØPut a stop to having purely emotional reactions ØPut communication and respect at the top of your relationship priority list ØDo whatever you can to create a life filled with happiness and love (self love especially) in your life. Self Reflection Self reflection is not much different than self awareness and they are very much connected to each other. The definition of self reflection is the exercising of introspection, coupled with the willingness to learn about yourself, in order to help achieve self awareness. Self reflection is something that has been practiced from the early days of man and is deeply rooted in philosophy. Self reflection in the world of philosophy refers to the understanding of your mentality, beliefs, and life desires. According to philosophical beliefs on self reflection, all of our thoughts and sensations come with beliefs that have an effect the fact that we are having those thoughts and beliefs (Locke, 1689). That may sound complicated but honestly, it is a very simple concept. Simply put, our thoughts and beliefs are directly impacted by the emotions and sensations that come with those beliefs. This is why it is important to self reflect and become self aware. Conclusion Again, a book cannot teach you how to do these things. However, a book can help you to figure out how to get there yourself. There are also many self help programs to guide you on your journey. Your journey can also be aided by talking with a professional counselor. The importance of learning self awareness and self refection cannot be stressed enough as they will help you to be a better person for yourself and those whom you love.

April 19, 2010
by Debra Bacon

Debra Bacon

Getting over a breakup

April 19, 2010 22:17 by Debra Bacon  [About the Author]

Debra Bacon
By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad. No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss. Overcoming loss A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine. You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out. You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time? What will it be like to be alone? Will you ever find someone else, or even want to? Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling. Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses. Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them. Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it. Lessons learned From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience. To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup. As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

April 12, 2010
by Debra Bacon

Debra Bacon

Pushy parents and exhausted children

April 12, 2010 21:12 by Debra Bacon  [About the Author]

Debra Bacon
By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Missing out Many children are missing out on the joys of childhood, because pushy parents are trying to ensure their babes are in vogue with the most popular social cachet. Shocking statistics, revealed in a recent study, suggests that pushy parents “over timetable” their children. They have school, followed by extra-curricular activities and clubs. After spending 32.5 hours a week in school, add too that six hours of homework, seven more hours of parent to child teaching through play. Top it off with five hours a week reading together. Then, include as many as three activities a week, such as music, sports or other clubs. Totaling a whopping 53 hours a week pushy parents are “working” their kids; leaving them exhausted. It is hard to imagine that a large number of parents are inadvertently working their children into exhaustion. The push The insatiable appetite to have their child succeed drives pushy parents to make good choices turn bad. For the most part, parents want the best for their children, and believe that enrolling them in sports or other team activities will help them grow socially. The fear that grips parents concerning their children’s development, as related to them being on the same level as their peers, can be overwhelming. Instinct kicks in, to divide and conquer any possible threat standing in the path of success. Within the realm of competitiveness, of which we work and play in, it can appear that the best jobs, schools and opportunities go to the swiftest, brightest and most socially engaged. While in part true, if this mindset becomes a part of parents drive for their children, it can become dangerous. It no longer is about the child’s development, it is about success at any cost. Because of a near emotional breakdown--of a five-year-old--the study further revealed the parents removed their child from his extra-curricular activities. He was completely exhausted and worn down. Pushing our children to excel in activities we choose for them at an early age, is often more pressure than necessary to put upon them. Parents begin to teach their toddlers how to recite the alphabet, or count to ten, years before they enter pre-school. Others, go to the extremes of sabotaging their children’s nemesis--whether real or imagined to be so. Countless stories resonate through the airwaves of very harmful events, even death, caused by a pushy parent wanting their child to be on top. But the more realistic day-to-day reality is that parents are simply desirous to be as hands-on as they can with their children. However, taking inventory and admitting this can be difficult for a parent. Restore the joy Children will perform poorly when exhausted, and will ultimately excel at very little, or worse yet, nothing. The purpose by which started the push to excel then thwarted, by over scheduling your children. Exploration by natural curiosity brings about a great deal of knowledge and development, when children are allowed to play and be. Assess the time you are taking out of your child’s life with extra-curricular activities, and regroup if necessary.

April 5, 2010
by Christie Hunter

Debra Bacon

Overcoming burnout

April 5, 2010 16:10 by Christie Hunter  [About the Author]

Debra Bacon
By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Time becomes our taskmaster Living in a society where our time is invaded at every turn, whether from cell phones, faxes, computers, skype, IMs, text, or other signals crossing our sphere, burnout is a real concern. Burnout occurs when what you are doing, just doesn’t work for you anymore. Your once enthusiastic approach to a task now drains you, or feelings of apathy are more the norm, rather than hope and success. When juggling work, family and social lives, time can become our taskmaster instead of our friend. Finding balance in your life will liberate you, and allow you to overcome burnout. Signs of burnout Often, when burnout, people drive themselves harder to makeup for deficits emotionally, physical or otherwise. Denial that a problem exists is common; therefore, identifying signs of burnout is important to our emotional and physical health. Five signs of burnout: Irritability When a person feels out of control or unable to mange their life, work or family commitments as desired, they can become troubled. Often this is manifested in the form or irritation or aggravation. When burnout occurs, this state is more constant. You may lash out at co-workers or loved ones. Trouble sleeping Being stressed out and have multiple deadlines or unfinished business, can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sleep deprivation will cause you to perform poorly. Lack of energy As burnout creeps in, your energy level drops. A lack of caring or concern sets in, and productivity goes down the drain. Concentration issues Problems concentrating are common with burnout. When faced with overwhelming schedules and tasks, concentrating can be difficult. Emotional distress When someone is burnout, being overly emotional is common. For example, you may burst into tears over a seemingly minor incident. On the other hand, you can begin to isolate yourself, and show no emotion to varying circumstances. Either can lead to depression. Overcoming burnout Identifying burnout is only part of the solution. Overcoming burnout takes commitment and work on your part. Below are some practical solutions you can implement in your life to eliminate burnout, and enrich your life. Five steps to balance: Learn to say NO Over commitment is common, and a part of the reason people burnout. While it is important to please the boss, assess your current workload before saying yes to the next deadline. Perhaps you should allow someone else to drive the soccer team to and from games, or provide the snacks. Get moving Putting exercise in your schedule can make a world of difference. Exercise helps eliminate stress, clears the mind and keeps the body fit. Prioritize Assess what you are responsible for presently, and make a list. Evaluate and eliminate. Complete outstanding items that are most important or pressing, and delegate less important tasks to others as appropriate. Get support A healthy, happy life includes people we enjoy being around; those that bring joy and positive support to our lives. Identify the people that make up your support system. Others are in our lives to help us, co-workers, family, friends, clergy and counselors. Let go Learn to let go of things you cannot control. You cannot save the world. Let go of any guilt you may feel about not being able to do it all.