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By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Relationships, hormones and pressures Teenage years are challenging for the teen and parents. Maintaining an open and communicative relationship with your teen is vital as they move through adolescence. Hormonal changes, mood swings and peer pressure are a part of the growth process, however, it is important to be aware of subtle, and overt signs that trouble may be on the horizon. While some unusual behavior is normal with teens, knowing your teen--how they generally react and interact with you--will help in identifying potential problems. Red Flags Following are signs to watch for that may indicate your teen is headed down the wrong path. Isolation: During adolescence, a teenager typically distances themselves a bit more than before from family. Yet, if your teen is avoiding your advances toward conversation and interaction, there may be a problem. If they spend more time away from home or alone, locked in their room, a red flag should go up. This can be an indication of drug use or depression. Sudden weight loss and/or appetite change: This behavior is indicative of peer and social pressures to look a certain way. An eating disorder, depression or drug use can be at the root of this conduct. Extreme mood swings: Mood swings are a common thing with teens. Therefore, it is a bit more difficult to discern what is problematic and what is normal. However, knowing your teens normal reactions will assist you follow up accordingly. This behavior could be a sign of social problems; hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meet your teen’s friends and their parents. Know who they are spending their time with and what values their parents hold dear. Declining grades or lack of interest in school/activities: Since teens have so much on their minds, at times, a lack of interest in school work could be chalked up as normal. However, if their grades are falling sharply, they are cutting classes and pulling out of activities once enjoyed, it is time to check-in. Get to know your teen’s teachers and find a way of communicating with them on a regular basis. Be involved in your adolescence education and school activities. Motivation issues: If your once spunky teen suddenly begins to seem more tired, and uninterested in hobbies and former friends, they could have a problem with substance abuse. They could be depressed or feeling isolated and alone. Talk with them, let them know you care. Be available to listen, love and offer advice, if needed. Get Involved If your teen is showing signs of unusual behavior, it is the parents’ responsibility to get to the bottom of what is going on. A child wants to know you are concerned and interested, even if they do not act like it. It may feel like to you that you are spying on them or invading their privacy when checking up on them. Press forward, as it could mean the difference between life and death.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Bullying: a new epidemic? Bullying is becoming an epidemic in our schools, cyberspace, parks and other areas where kids hang out. Its affect on children can be lasting, even following them into adulthood. It is vital to deal with bullying swiftly and lovingly. The times of a simple trip in the isle, just for the fun of it, between friends has passed. Today children are faced with far more intimidating tactics. Often, kids are attacked while others look on, without going for, or helping the victim. Children are often afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of retaliation. Know the signs Identifying the signs of bullying is a key element in protecting your child, and keeping them safe. Your child’s behavior will offer tell-tale signs bullying may be occurring. Following are a few things to watch for: Lack of appetite Decreased interest in school/social activities Few, if any close friends Trouble sleeping Stomach aches and other ailments Unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes Missing or damaged personal items Anxiety Isolation How you can help If you notice you child manifesting any, or a number of these behaviors, it is time to talk--reach out with a kind, loving arm. Get as many details as you can about the bullying incidents. They may be reluctant to speak to you about the situation at first. Often this is because of misplaced blame or shame. It is important to reassure your child they are safe. Express how much you want to help them overcome this situation. They are likely not the only child being harassed by the bully. Talk with school officials, such as the counselor, principal or other significant policy makers about the danger your child is facing. Be persistent, and follow up. Ensure changes are made to eliminate the threat. Furthermore, depending on the type of abuse your child is being subject to, criminal charges may be in order. Talk to your child about how to handle the bullying. Encourage them to remain calm when confronted. Tell them to be firm when they speak to the aggressor. Offer suggestions of what they may say, such as: “Stop what you are doing right now.” Stress the importance of walking away. Never encourage aggression, or similar bad behavior. Encourage your child to make friends with people in his class. Children should walk in pairs or small non-threatening groups. Especially when going to the bathroom, lunch, playground and other potentially isolated areas. General rule of thumb Monitor your child’s activity. Such as, know who their friends are, and be involved as much as you can in their lives. Be careful of what you allow your children to watch on television and videos. Behavior breeds behavior, and violence can lead to violence. Computers are a way of life these days. As such, the newest form of bullying or threat can come from the internet. As much, if not more, as you would monitor what your children read and watch, the same should apply to the internet. Cyber bullying has lead to mental breakdowns, violent acts, sexual assaults, murder and suicide. Any type of bullying has this potential. If suppressed, an individual can move through life harboring a lot of resentment, guilt and shame. Knowing when to intervene and get professional help is paramount. It can eliminate or assist in treating more complicated mental conditions, such as anxiety disorders, resulting from bullying.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Simple is better Family time and simpler lifestyles are winning out over consumerism these days. Considering the shaky economies around the globe, individuals and families are scaling back on their spending. With rising unemployment figures and uncertain futures, people are strategizing their escape from the prison of debt. By paying off debt, reducing discretionary spending and opting to save money, materialism is losing its grasp on society. Taking charge of your debt and deciding to scale back your lifestyle requires change. Change is rarely comfortable. Difficult decisions and sacrifices must be made to accomplish your goals. Taking charge Following are some tips to help you take charge of your life, finances and lifestyle. Determine what you want to change about your financial picture and lifestyle. For example, you may want to be debt free within five to seven years; you may have a desire to grow your own food, or become a stay-at-home mom or dad. Set reasonable goals and timeframes to reach your dream. Strive for specific milestones leading you to your overall goal. This allows you to see your success in smaller chunks, as you chip away at the whole. Assess your current financial picture. Determine how much overall debt you have and to whom it is owed. Calculate your monthly income, and compare the differences of inflow versus outflow. Set your first milestone as complete. Knowing the state of your affairs will relieve you of an amazing amount of stress. Realizing you are working to take charge of your circumstances is huge. Make a list of each creditor and the amount owed them. Define a plan that allows you to pay more toward the smallest balance first, until it is satisfied. Continue this pattern until they are all knocked out, or at least well on their way. Reward yourself in some way for your diligence as each milestone is reached. Perhaps you have not been out to dinner in months as a part of your effort to scale back; this may be a reward you agree is reasonable, for example. Stay focused on your plan and you will achieve your desired end. Living the life As you downsize you will find there are things you no longer have need of. It is important to determine whether you will sell these items or donate them to charity. Depending on your goal, a move may be in order. Transportation may change, and jobs/roles may shift, or be redefined. Yet as you scale back your lifestyle, you will enjoy more free time and experience a healthier life. Stress is responsible for many major health conditions and diseases. Often, we are unaware how much we are affected by stress as we struggle day-to-day to make ends meet. Moreover, social stress, such as the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality can lead to a tremendous amount of peer pressure. This type of pressure can lead to depression, even death, if we perceive we have failed. So, start living the life, take charge of your life, as you begin your journey to scale back.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor The Pink Slip Losing a job is very stressful for a family. The emotional impact it has on the husband or wife can be very different. Both may feel depressed and anxious as a result of the loss. Self-esteem and worthiness issues are common. These factors, combined with the financial implications resulting from a spouse’s job loss, place a strain on a marriage. However, exercising solid coping skills during this transitional time can lead to a successful outcome. Time to process It is important to give your spouse time to process what has happened and get a handle on the future. Often our job defines us--reinforces our worth to our family and others. While our self-worth should be shaped by other measures, our job plays an important role in our lives. Due to the financial strain resulting from a job loss, the natural response from both parties is to get a job as soon as possible. However, finding a new job can take time. During this time, sensitivity and careful response is essential in supporting your spouse. Encouraging words and conversations about other things can help ease any tension that money issues can cause in a marriage. Avoid picking out jobs for your spouse. As well meaning as this approach seems, it often backfires. They may begin to feel you have lost faith or trust in their abilities to manage their affairs properly. Questions about how the unemployed spouse spent their time during the day may be offensive. It is important to be aware of trigger points that may spark conflict. A person may lash out because they feel inadequate or are depressed. As important as processing time and feelings of the unemployed spouse are, so are those of others involved. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor during this time. A counselor can help you identify the unique feelings and stressors experienced during a time of loss. They can offer feedback and coping skills you may not have considered previously. Reach out to friends and family that may have experienced a similar situation. Ask them how they managed the process. Fear and Finances A financial plan is an imperative step in eliminating fear and uncertainty of the future. The plan should be developed to encompass at least three months that follow the unemployment. Together, determine what you can cut back on, or live without. Big changes should be considered carefully. Remember, the situation is not permanent. Your spouse may be eligible for unemployment compensation. This benefit can be very helpful when facing job loss. Consulting a financial advisor or counselor may be necessary in some cases. However, cutting back on special perks or extras can trim a budget quite a bit. The Bottom Line At the end of the day, your marriage and relationship with one another is more important than anything else. Be kind to one another. Talk about your spouses good qualities, compliment them. Take notice of the extra help you are likely receiving around the home, or in other areas of your life. You will likely come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before.

By Christie Hunter: View Christie's Profile Special Situations As you begin to set boundaries in your life and relationships a number of situations may occur as those around you resist or are not in agreement with the limits you are setting. Knowing that these situations may be present better prepares you as you work to maintain these healthy parameters and establish healthier and more fulfilling relationships in your life. Triangulation What is Triangulation? Triangulation is a dysfunctional way of attempting to deal with an issue between two people by using a involving a third person into the issue who should not be there. Triangulation occurs in situations where you have placed a limit on a friendship and the other person attempts to violate the boundary by means of a third person. An example of triangulation would be to imagine two adult siblings who are having a disagreement. One sibling decides that in order to protect herself and her family, she needs to stop sharing personal information about herself with her brother for a while, who has been using it against her. So now the brother has a limit in place- a boundary his sister has put in place that cuts off the information flow that he is used to. Rather than respecting this boundary and working with his sister to resolve the disagreement that has resulted with limits, the brother goes around his sister and attempts to establish a relationship with his sister's husband. By hanging out with his sister's husband, he can get an "in" on his sister, manipulating the boundary. This is an attempt at triangulating the situation, bringing in a third person as a way of avoiding direct resolution. If allowed, the brother and his sister's husband would establish a relationship based on an unhealthy and unresolved situation. Triangulation has as its goal a desire to maintain or even establish a relationship with a third person by means of another person. It avoids direct communication and thereby limits the chance either of the relationships has for authentic and open dialogue.Examine your relationships to see if you may have been pulled into the middle of someone else’s relationships. Have you been asked to “help” fix a problem, or are you communicating information about a third party that should really be communicated directly, if a relationship existed? If so, look to make changes so your relationships are based on you and the other person, not on the exchange of information about a silent third person. Disownment In some situations as you begin to set healthy limits on your relationships, you may experience some strong resistance to the changes you are making. One response to these boundaries is the complete withdrawal by the other person in the form of disownment. For someone who is not willing to accept your withdrawal of resources from the relationship the only answer may be to walk away, or disown you and the relationship you had. This can be a very shocking and painful experience during a time when you are trying to establish more healthy ways of communicating and relating with others. Recognizing that you cannot control the reaction of others, that just as you are able to make changes and set limits, so can others, even if it is the extreme response of estrangement. If this is the situation you are faced with, share with the other person your sadness over their choice. Let them know that you hope for the situation to be different and when they are ready to begin talking again, you are here. There is little else you can do when someone refuses to talk with you or work through the problems in the relationship. Maintaining the healthy limits you have set is very important during this time. Setting aside your limits in order to reestablish communication will only continue the unhealthy pattern of relating that you were attempting to change. This is a difficult time as you move forward with positive change in your life, yet at the same time are faced with the loss and sadness of relationships that could be so much more. Be realistic with your expectations, but remain hopeful that the future holds reconciliation. Summary While there are a number of special situations you may be faced with as you begin to make changes in your relationships, this section gives you a few ideas about how to persevere through the challenges of maintaining your healthy limits. Keep in mind, the purpose of setting boundaries is not to reduce the communication in your relationships. Quite the contrary, by setting healthy limits, your relationships have an opportunity to grow and to be an encouragement to each other within the healthy and safe parameters set by all people. Boundaries define us and with a better definition, we are better able to enjoy and share our lives with those around us.

Boundaries: Overcoming Resistances [More]

By Christie Hunter: View Christie's Profile Setting Boundaries After completing the relationship map (see previous week), we need to begin by assessing our relationships to see where we are investing emotional resources and how this aligns with the bigger picture in our lives. To do this, we need to understand what the goals are for ourselves and for our family. As we start, remember that when I make reference to “family,” it is the three intersecting circles in the middle of your relationship map – you, your spouse, and your children still living at home. Assessing the Relationships in our Life From here, consider the goals you and your spouse have established for your family. Again, this may require sitting down together and defining or redefining the priorities for your marriage and family. As a family, what is the legacy you want to leave for your children? What are the values and characteristics you want to espouse in your relationship? Are you presently living your life with these areas as a focus? Once you have assessed these goals and priorities for yourself and your family, you are ready to look at how the other relationships in your life are aligning to these. When you look at your relationship map, consider individuals, volunteer positions, job responsibilities, or groups you are involved. Now ask yourself, are these relationships aligning with the goals and priorities you have defined? If one of your goals is to ensure your children have positive roles models in your life, are there relationships where your children see positive characteristics modeled to them? How are the relationships in your life aligning to the plans you have for your family? Additionally, are there any relationships that are in conflict with your goals or dreams? Is there a relationship that is demanding more and more from you at the expense of quality time with your family. For example, do you have a relative that is always “borrowing” money and taking away from your ability to save and work towards financial security (a goal)? If so, consider that these relationships may require you to set limits, to place a boundary to ensure that your goals and priorities are still the focus of your resources. Another area to be reviewed is relationships where you have committed time, emotional energy, finances, or other aspects of yourself. In the beginning, when someone comes to us and needs from us, we may feel that we are doing the right thing by investing our emotional resources into that person. So we say "yes" to that person and give to them from us. Yet what may have been right or good at the start, doesn't mean it will continue that way. People can take and take from us, eventually taking advantage of us to the point where we feel walked on, or our other relationships suffer. You need to look at that relationship and ask yourself, over time, have all the resources you've invested in that person still continue to benefit? Is that person growing? Are you growing? For example, by being an emotional support for your friend in crisis, you provide encouragement, a sounding board, and a sense of stability. But over time, your friend needs to learn how to stand on her own, to move forward into her own life. If you continue to offer her support day in and day out long after the crisis has ended, you may take on a role of enabler, the original investment no longer having the same benefit. Evaluate if your resources in your relationships are still an investment. Finally, ask yourself, are other relationships in my life suffering or losing our because of one relationship in my life. Is there a friend, position, or other aspect of your life that is taking from other relationships in your life? A relative who inserts themselves into the middle of your marriage, for example, can have a very devastating effect on the relationship with your spouse. If other relationhips in your life are hurting because of a relationship that has gotten out of control, its time to analyze and prioritize, and set a boundary. Look at setting a limit on what you are offering to relationships that cause others to suffer or lose out because of this one. Avoid Co-Dependency Sometimes an unhealthy relationship is allowed to exist because you receive a "benefit" from it yourself. Consider the case of a mother in-law who provides baby-sitting support to you. You need someone to watch your baby, and so this really helps you. However, by providing you this "help," she feels that she has rights to how the baby should be raised. As a result, she is always making demands on how to raise and care for your baby. She inserts herself into your family far beyond what is healthy. This causes great tension and strife in your marriage, as she continually makes demands on your family decisions. She has assumed a role in your family that has crossed a line, and it is hurting you. It is no longer a family of you, your spouse, and your children (as it should be)- it is now a family with an extra person who does not belong! You want to cut her off, but then who will watch the baby? Do you see how this kind of snare works? You feel completely trapped- you know its not healthy, but you do not now how to fix it. We enable unhealthy relationships because we are "receiving" something back from them, and this is called co-dependency. However, in the end, whatever it is we are getting back is not worth it because it can cause our lives to crumble. We must make a change. Making the Decision As you assess your relationships, if there is one that you feel is not aligned with your goals, is taking from other areas of your life, or where your initial investment is no longer a benefit it is time to make the decision to set a boundary. The most significant aspect of setting a boundary is that it only takes one person. You do not need the other person to agree or to even like the limit you need to put in place. It only takes one person, you can decide at any time to implement a boundary. It begins with a simple decision. Setting boundaries requires an honest evaluation of your present relationships, how these align with your goals, and making a decision for change. It may not be easy, change usually is not, but the potential for better living, healthier relationships all around you, and more purpose and direction in your life is immense. Next we will look at how we maintain boundaries and the response we may often experience within ourselves and from others as we begin to protect our futures and establish healthy relationships.

By Christie Hunter: View Christie's Profile The Need For Healthy Boundaries As you consider setting a boundary in your life, you need to first have a reason or an understanding of why a boundary would be beneficial. To do this, we must understand how one relationship affects us and all other relationships in our life. As we invest in someone or something, such as a friend, a volunteer position, or our job, the energy and the time we spend takes from the resources that we have available. Our Relationship Map Take a few minutes to map out your relationships. Draw a circle for yourself. If you are married or have children, draw circles that intersect yours. These represent the fundamental and most important relationships in your life. Now, around your central circles, draw a circle for every person in your life that you have invested emtional energy in. For each friend, relative, student, mentor, family member, etc, in your life that you invest emotional energy into, draw a circle. Once you are done, draw lines from every circle and connect them to yourself. Now, put a percentage of your energy that you routinely invest into each person, and write that number in each circle. For example, if 25% of all your energy goes into your children, write "25" in the circle for children. If 50% of your energy goes into your spouse, put "50" in that circle. Fill in all the circles with the percentage of your energy you invest into each one. We will refer back to this map in a bit. Myth: We Can Give More Than 100% How many times have you heard people say something similar to "give it 110%," or maybe even "give it 200%!" This is a myth that we must dispel, because believing in it will lead you to a state of exhaustion and burnout. You have a limit! All people are finite human beings with limits. Each of us has only 100% to give each day, each week, in our life. While we may like to think “I can give 110%”, just as a glass of water has a limit that it can be filled to, so do we as people have limits in what we can offer to others. Our 100% is unique to us and will be different from person to person based on our physical abilities, our emotional resources, and our cognitive understandings. If we are able to understand these limits, we will be a huge step ahead in developing a healthy environment and establishing healthy boundaries for our life and family. Now here is a question for you: when you drew your map, did you total more than 100? If so, you should re-analyze your totals, because you can not give more than 100%. Secondly, how much did you reserve for yourself? Did you put everything into everyone else, and reserve nothing for yourself? How can we give to people, in a healthy way, when we sacrifice everything? For example, some parents believe in the idea of "100% self sacrifice". They would put 100 into the circle with their children. For people that do this, how much is left over for their spouse? Their family? Their friends? Themselves? The answer is zero. As you can see, this is clearly an unhealthy way to parent. Unless we leave some resources for ourselves, we have nothing to model, we are left drained, and exhausted. One Bad Apple Affects Them All Imagine that you have allocated, in a healthy way, all of your energy to your relationships so that everyone is healthy and growing. Imagine one little circle, say an in-law, is currently getting 5% of your total. Now imagine this in-law, who is getting 5%, starts demanding more. "More, more, more!" they demand as they insert and assert themselves into your marriage, and life. Feeling guilty, you allow this in-law to get more and more from you....the 5 percent grows to 10, then grows to 20 percent. My question to you is: if you start giving one relationship more of your resources, where are those resources coming from? Remember, 100% is our maximum limit, so unless you have deliberately reserved some of your energy, the only place it can come from is another relationship. As one relationship demands more from us, we have to take away from other relationships, and in the end everyone can suffer. In order to give that in-law 20% of us, we have to reduce what we give to our spouse, children, friends, and family- we have to take from them in order to accomodate the deamnding in-law. So in the end, all of your relationships can suffer simply from one bad apple whom you have not set boundaries with. Respecting Our Limits Another aspect to consider in recognizing we have limits is to look at the long term implications of trying to give more than 100%. When we extend ourselves and try to meet the needs and demands of those around us, we start to develop a sense of fatigue. As our body lets us know it is tired and we ignore it we move towards a chronic state of fatigue, burnout. This feeling of burnout, where we are not able to finish a task, always feeling tired, sense of living in a fog, or of running in circles and not moving forward in life leaves us with a lessened sense of enjoyment, fulfillment, and accomplishment in our life. These feelings can lead to sadness and depression. Even at this stage we can recognize and begin to make changes by placing limits people that utilize our emotional resources. However, if we choose to continue to push through this sense of exhaustion, refusing to say "no" to people and instead just keep giving and giving, other relationships in our lives will suffer, and we face the possibility of further complications to our health. Stress and anxiety from the attempts to fulfill the needs and demands of others leaves us in a chronic state of burnout. Common ailments from stress and anxiety include abdominal issues, headaches, and lowered immune response to name a few. In order to best manage stress and the demands on our life, we need to look at setting healthy boundaries. Additionally, by setting healthy boundaries we also have an opportunity to have a better relationship with those around us. When we have healthy limits on what we can offer to others, or how much of our emotional resources and time we can give, we create a healthy environment where we feel energized and motivated by the friendship. This establishes an important balance in our relationships where there is a give and take of who we are and what we want to share and invest in each other. The Danger of Over-Giving If we are chronically over giving to someone, or filling an excessive amount of their needs, always saying "yes" rather than saying "no", we actually thwart and hurt the relationship, hindering the person from growing and developing on their own. Whether it is one person in our life, or if it is our own need to “be needed” and help out, by recognizing these aspects, we are able to identify where a healthy boundary will grow the relationship rather than limit it. So, as you consider setting boundaries and wonder “why bother”, consider your own personal health and the health of the relationships in your life as significant reasons to place parameters, to define, or to better identify your role in the world around you. Next Week, we will delve into the task to creating boundaries. Now that we know what they are, and why we need them, we may ask the question "How do I set them?" We will explore the answer to this in the next article.

The importance of boundaries and what they mean in our lives [More]