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Back to School Series: Bullying and being bullied is not a part of growing up. Bullying is not “kids being kids.” Being bullied is not a rite of passage. Over time, psychologists have come to understand just how damaging bullying behaviors can be to children, and into adulthood. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, health complaints, and decreased academic achievement. A small percentage of those bullied may retaliate in violent ways. Twelve of fifteen school shooting cases in the 1990’s involve those who had a history of being bullied. Kids who bully others can have troubles such as adolescent alcohol and drug abuse, vandalism, fights, drop out of school, engage in early sexual activity, criminal convictions, and can be abusive toward partners, spouses, or children later in life. Even those who witness bullying can suffer consequences such as use of tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, increased mental health problems such as depression and anxiety, and missed school. What is Bullying? Bullying is unwanted aggression that encompasses an imbalance of power, and is repeated over time.[1] It can happen anywhere, and at any time. Whether it is before, during, or after school, the playground, in transit to school, or even on the internet, it affects the person being bullied, the person engaging in bullying, and those who witness the behaviors. In 2011, 20% of 9-12 grade students were bullied nationwide. [2] Types of Bullying Verbal - Teasing, name-calling, inappropriate sexual comments, taunting, and threats to cause harm. Social Bullying - Purposely excluding, encouraging others to exclude, rumors, and public embarrassment. Physical Bullying - Hitting, spitting, tripping, taking or breaking another’s things, mean or rude hand gestures. Kids Who Use Bullying Behavior Risk – Although there is no consistent distinction for people who use bullying behaviors, some of the characteristics that are observed most in those who use bullying is that they tend to be well connected to peers, have social power, or are overly concerned with popularity. They tend to dominate or take charge of others. They can be aggressive, competitive, and easily frustrated, have less parental involvement, or issues at home. They have difficulty following rules, view violence in a positive way, think badly of others, and have friends who bully. They are not stronger physically, but have power over those they bully. Warning Signs - Those who use bullying behavior may get into physical or verbal fights. They are increasingly aggressive, and may get sent to the principal’s office or detention frequently. You may notice they have friends who bully others. You may notice unexplained belongings or money, and they tend to blame others for their problems, and don’t take responsibility for their actions. Support - While it is important not to call the person a bully, the child needs to understand that bullying behavior is wrong. Calling one a bully implies that the behavior cannot be changed, and it also fails to recognize that kids can be more than just a bully. They could have been bullied, or witnessed bullying also. While addressing bullying, model respectful behavior, because children learn by example. It is important to show kids that bullying will not be tolerated. Work with the child to understand some of the reasons they are bullying. It can be to fit in, or because they are acting out. Use consequences to teach how bullying is wrong, and build empathy to help prevent future bullying. Talk about what it is to be a good friend, the benefits of teamwork, the importance of respecting others. A project such as Civil Rights and Bullying is an example of a consequence that will build empathy. Involving the child in making amends, such as writing an apology letter, can help the child reflect on how their actions affected another. Avoid the “Three strikes, you’re out” response, and suspending. They do not reduce the behaviors. Conflict resolution and peer mediation also do not work. It is not a conflict between people of equal power who share equal blame. Group treatment for students who bully does not work because group members tend to reinforce bullying behavior. Remember to stay involved. Continue to encourage behavior that affects people in a positive way. Kids Who Are Bullied Risk – Kids who are bullied need help learning how to respond to being bullied. Like those who bully, there is no specific set of characteristics that describes who is at risk, but they are often perceived as different. They may be overweight, underweight, have different styles, or social standing. They are perceived as weak or unable to defend themselves. They can be depressed, anxious or have low self-esteem. They are usually less popular, or have fewer friends. They do not always get along with others, and may seem “annoying” or attention seeking as they struggle to fit in. Warning Signs – Sometimes there are no warning signs, and kids do not like to talk about their situation. Some things to look for are changes in the child such as unexplainable injuries, lost or broken belongings, and frequent illness. You may notice changes in eating habits such as not eating, or being very hungry when they get home from school because they did not eat their lunch. They may not want to go to school and have declining grades, loss of interests, loss of friends, and want to avoid social situations. You may notice feelings of helplessness, decreased self-esteem, or self-destructive behaviors. Support – Listen and focus on the child. Learn what is going on, and show you want to help. Assure the child that bullying is not their fault. Because they may struggle to talk about it with parents, seeking a therapist or councilor may be valuable. Use role play to help give the child way to deal with bullying. Work with the school, and make a game plan and find out what will help the child feel safe. Minimize changes to routine, so that the child is not singled out. If seating changes are necessary, make the change for everyone. Never tell the child to ignore the bullying. Do not blame the child for being bullied. They did not provoke or deserve the aggressive behavior. Do not tell the child to fight back. Parents should resist the urge to contact other parents because it could make matters worse. Bullying is repetitive behavior, so be persistent and keep informed on the situation. Witnesses Those who assist do not start the bullying, but they encourage, or join in at times. Kids who reinforce are not directly involved, but give audience by laughing or encouraging the bullying behavior. Outsiders are kids who remain separate from the bullying and do not either engage or stop it. They often want to help, but do not know what to do. Kids who defend will comfort the child being bullied and may come to the child’s defense. Prevent Bullying Talk to kids about bullying. Encourage kids to do what they love. Help kids understand what bullying is and that it is not acceptable. Be a model of kindness and respect. Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are being bullied, or see others being bullied. Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully such as using humor, or saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about actions that don’t work like walking away. Discuss strategies for staying safe such as staying near adults or groups of other kids. Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help. Getting Help There are times when Bullying can get to a point where depression or stress has set in and a child will benefit from counseling. It may be helpful for the child to talk through the feelings they experiences as well as learn new skills such as assertiveness or self-esteem. Family counseling can also help as this can help to strengthen the child's sense of support, can open lines of communication and increase cohesiveness in a family. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [1] "APA Resolution on Bullying Among Children and Youth." American Psychological Association (APA), July 2004. Web. 20 July 2013. [2] "Bullying: What You Need to Know | StopBullying.gov." Home | StopBullying.gov. n.d. Web. 20 July 2013. [3] http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-school-bullying

Back to School Series: There goes your child…. And most of your heart We notice it on that first day of kindergarten, or the first time our kids ride their bike out of our sight, or want to walk to a friend’s house. That sense of pride, and joy mixed with a crushing sense of fear and loss, as we watch our children grow, and experience the normal independence that will eventually bring them to adulthood. Often times, we think of our fears when we consider our reaction to our children growing up. The world can be a scary place to entrust our children. According to a GALLUP poll, 33% of U.S. parents with children in kindergarten through 12th grade fear for their child’s safety, and 52% think it is likely that a school shooting could occur in their area. [1] The Loss Side of Letting Go However, we don’t often acknowledge the loss we feel as part of letting go of our kids. We start to feel the loss side of letting go as our children head into adolescence. As our kids display a desire to separate from us, and we see them becoming more alien to us, we start to admit to ourselves that we are losing them. Understanding what is taking place in our kids can help us to let go more effectively, and help our kids through the transition from child to adult. The Teen First we should define this period when we start to feel that we are losing our kids. Every child is different, but most develop and experience a variation of the same stages during adolescence. Adolescence is approximately ages 11 – 21, and is commonly recognized as 3 stages in development.[2] Early adolescence, ages 11-13, begins the period when a child struggles with their sense of identity. They may feel awkward, moody, and revert to childish behaviors. They are realizing that the parents they have idolized are only human, and conflict tends to arise. This is the time when they will test the limits of parent rules. This is a time when their thinking becomes more abstract, and the interests become more about moral things. They feel peer pressure, have a greater need for their privacy, and want more independence. With the shift from their childhood identity to adolescence, parents may feel a loss of companionship. Their little boy or girl is no longer little, and has a new way of looking at themselves. Parents may feel the conflict creating stress in the home, and that their child is losing their respect. Middle adolescence, ages 14-18, brings with it a greater sense of self. While the teen is still feeling the changes of identity, they are better able to reason, set goals, and begin to think of life in terms of their purpose and the larger picture, and they become passionate about their beliefs. They will distance themselves from parents, while integrating friendships into their lives in a deeper capacity. They may fall in love. This is a time when they will fight for causes, and justice. It is during middle adolescence that parents will feel a loss of communication. The new freedoms that come with age can make parents aware that they cannot protect their child from the dangers of the world. Driving, dating, obtaining employment, or the thought of heading off to college are reminders that the child is becoming an adult. The dynamics of the relationship are changing, and the parent may feel stuck between the responsibility to protect their child from the child’s lack of life experience, and the realization that they must let their child make mistakes on their own. Late adolescence, age 19-21, is the final stage of adolescence. This is the period when the young men and women become emotionally more stable, have developed a sense of identity, and a concern for their future, and others. They can think situations through, and are no longer run by instant gratification. They can examine their internal processes, and can be self-reliant, and aware. While peers are still important to them, they see the value in the family traditions and develop more serious relationships. In this final stage of adolescence, parents experience the “empty nest.” As young adults head off to college, or move into their own environments, parents may feel as deep sense of loss. They feel the sense of responsibility has transferred from them to their child. They may feel depressed or obsolete. It is Physical It is not that our kids hate us, or that we are ruining them. Changes in the brain through adolescence are incredibly vast. Aside from the capacity for intellectual power greater than any other time in a human’s life, they are experiencing changes in hormonal chemicals that interfere with stress, as well as behavior. Their circuitry for emotional response is changing, and research as also shown that inadequate sleep can be responsible for many of the behavioral, and emotional attributes of adolescents.[3] Understanding that these changes are chemical gives us some power to cope with the emotions we see in kids. There Is No Manual, But There is Help Our kids don’t come with the proverbial owner’s manual, but we can gain knowledge from the experience and expertise of others. If at any point in your child’s life, you struggle with letting go, there is help available. You are not alone. Many people can benefit from counseling when navigating the delicate balance between keeping our children safe, and letting go enough for them to grow into the happy, healthy people they are becoming. Letting go is not always as easy to define as a set of circumstances for an age group. Sometimes the fear of letting our young children be independent can be overwhelming. A counselor can help navigate the journey. You can read more about therapy here. [1] "Parents' Fear for Children's Safety at School Rises Slightly." Gallup.Com - Daily News, Polls, Public Opinion on Politics, Economy, Wellbeing, and World. N.p., 28 Dec.2012. Web. 4 Aug. 2013. [2] Stages of Adolescent Development. (2008). Retrieved from http://www.ehsnrc.org/Publications/English%20Tip%20Sheets/TIP%20SHEET%2034_addendum.pdf [3] NIMH · The Teen Brain: Still Under Construction. (2011). Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml

Back to School Series: I distinctly remember loving story time with my mum but dreading story time with our elementary school librarian. With mum, I could snuggle up next to her on the living room sofa, drink a cup of hot chocolate, watch her face light up as she neared the climax of the story, and lose myself in the magic of the moment. But with our librarian, I had to sit on a hard floor, listen to a monotonous story read aloud by a strange lady with a stiff lip, and make sure not to budge for sixty painful minutes. So, what’s the difference between these two scenarios? 1. Find Books that Your Child Loves Mum knew how to make it an enjoyable experience, and my librarian didn’t have a clue. My favourite books as a child were The Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis. Mum had a natural gift at making the story come to life as Lucy walked through the wardrobe and into the mysterious land of Narnia, where she stumbled upon the whimsical Mr Tumnus. Our librarian, however, thought it was a good idea to read about the rustic lives of cowboys in southern Texas – a topic that seemed like an utter bore to a nine-year-old girl clothed in a dainty pink dress and a flowery headband. Simply put, children will do what interests them, including reading or listening to books that they actually enjoy. As argued by Reifman, children enjoy books more when they are related to their interests.[1] One of my younger cousins is fascinated by dinosaurs. Ever since I can remember, she has been able to cite more classifications of dinosaurs than I will ever be able to. When you walk into her bedroom, you see the shelves stacked with dinosaurs and, yes, books on dinosaurs that have been torn at the edges from overuse. By contrast, my boyfriend spent his childhood years pouring into military history. He turned his bedroom into a military battle, which no one was allowed to touch – he wouldn’t dare reenact an anachronistic version of the events. We all have unique interests, so let your child fall in love with his or hers. Instead of purchasing the books on your own, take them to the closest Chapters or Barnes & Noble. Maybe even treat them to a Starbucks hot chocolate – a perfect treat to accompany the first pages of their new book. 2. Make Reading a Shared Activity Reading can also be a group activity. There is a beautiful scene in You’ve Got Mail that displays a picturesque version of how enjoyable shared reading can be. Kathleen Kelly (played by Meg Ryan) is the owner of a charming bookshop called The Shop Around the Corner. In the film, she refers to herself as the Storybook Lady, who routinely offers storytelling sessions to children in the neighbourhood. Flaunting a fairylike hat, she captivates the imagination of her young little audience. You don’t need to wear a fairylike hat to make reading enjoyable for your child. But be creative. After all, reading is about letting your and your child’s imagination come to life. Mascott also points out that shared reading is a great opportunity to dialogue with your child.[2] Children’s stories are often packed with morals, so it might be a good idea to help them develop their understanding of life, of right and wrong, of how one bad decision can snowball into an utter disaster, among other life lessons. 3. Encourage Them To Read Out Loud As discussed by Johnson, some children come to hate books because they hate reading out loud.[3] If you have more than one child, it might a good idea to encourage the older sibling to practice reading out loud to the younger one. I recall the day that my youngest sister suddenly interrupted a story that I was reading to her. To my surprise, she started reading it herself. I was speechless. But something happened in that moment. Though I did not realize it at the time, my love of reading had been passed down to my youngest sister. She realized that she too could join in on the fun. 4. Reading and Parenthood Reading is not only a great way to help your child develop an academic skill. It also offers an opportunity for parents and children to connect, bond, and interact. The mental health of a child is intricately connected with the health of family dynamics. If you feel that your family is struggling with communication or the emotional health of your family may be at risk Family Counseling may be a great answer to equip you for the future. Instead of trying to keep your child out of trouble by putting him or her in front of a TV screen, consider spending 20 minutes or so together – just you and your child, reading a book. It might seem like an old-fashioned idea for the 21st century, but it is nonetheless a delightful way to spend an evening. I will always be thankful for the stories that Mum read to me – much more than I am for PlayStation or the Cartoon Network. [1] Reifman, S. 2011. 7 Ways to Encourage Reluctant Readers. [online] Available at: <http://www.stevereifman.com/featured-articles/for-parents/172-7-ways-to-encourage-reluctant-readers> [2] Mascott. A. 2013. What to Do You’re your Children Hates Reading. PBS. [online] Available at: <http://www.pbs.org/parents/education/reading-language/reading-tips/what-to-do-when-your-child-hates-reading/> [3] Johnson, L. 2013. 10 Reasons Nonreaders Don’t Read – And How to Change Their Minds. Scholastic. [online] Available at: <http://www.scholastic.com/teachers/article/10-reasons-nonreaders-dont-read-mdash-and-how-change-their-minds>

Back to School Series The start of your college career is just around the corner. You’ve done your campus tour, been assigned your college dorm, signed up for your classes, said goodbye to your high school friends, listened to your parents cry as they anticipate your departure, and wondered what your life will be like as a college student. Will you get along with your roommate? Will your professors be incredibly intimidating? Will your course load be too heavy? Will you find any extracurricular activities that you enjoy? Will you make new friends? Will you be able to manage your finances? And will these be the best or the worst four years of your life? Although this article is by no means comprehensive, it outlines some helpful tips that I’ve gathered during my years as an undergraduate and postgraduate student. These might help you make these the best – and not the worst – years of your life. 1. Get To Know Your Roommate If you are living with a roommate, take the time to get to know him or her. After all, you will be spending the next eight months living right next to each other. After you’ve both settled in, consider going for a walk or grabbing a coffee with him or her just to get to know each other a bit. Even if you are complete opposites, those first conversations are crucial to understanding how to make the most of your time living together. What are your schedules like? Is he or she an early riser or a night owl? How clean or messy is he or she? Though these might seem like trivial questions, appreciating each other’s differences in lifestyle is essential to creating a healthy living situation. Having worked as a Residence Don for two years, I witnessed a strong contrast between roommates who knew how to respect each other’s boundaries and those who didn’t. I would even suggest writing up a quick roommate contract with a short list of what you absolutely need your roommate to respect. A few examples include the need for a quiet study space at certain times during the week, a need to have the freedom to invite friends over on Friday nights, or the need to have a decently clean living space. 2. Do Not Be Shy If you’re like me, meeting a whole new group of strangers can be intimidating. But getting yourself out there is worth it. College is not only an opportunity to improve your mind, but it is also a tremendous opportunity to improve your social life. Like never before, you will have endless crowds of people to interact with – from a variety of cultures, backgrounds, belief systems, interests, and ideas. During my years as an undergraduate and postgraduate student, I noticed a marked difference between high school and college. In high school, meeting new people was more difficult – there were fewer people to befriend and people were less likely to make new friends. However, in university the atmosphere was different. I made new friends left, right, and centre – at the library, in lectures, at school clubs, at formal events, at the school pub, in dorms, and the list continues. 3. Get Involved One thing I will never regret about my university years was my choice to get involved in extracurricular activities. Not only is it a great way to meet new people, but it is also a fantastic way to develop a new skill or try something new. Most colleges and universities have a variety of clubs and activities to choose from, and you can often find out more about them during your orientation week. Try a few in your first month, and if it’s not the right fit, there is bound to be something else that fits you like a glove. Try a salsa class, write for your school newspaper, join an activist group, play a sport, or perform in a play. The options are endless. 4. Start Studying Early Unfortunately, the attractions of dorm life, a fun social life, and engaging extracurricular activities can turn into an unhealthy distraction from your studies. Map out your assignment deadlines, midterms, and final exams as soon as you get your academic syllabi. Divide up the amount of work that you will need to do to perform well, and then ensure to create a weekly schedule that realistically balances your schoolwork and your other interests. There is no need to pull an all-nighter the day before your final exam worth 50% of your final grade. Start early, and you will be a lot less stressed and learn a lot more. 5. Spend Wisely University tuition is already expensive, so it is important to be realistic about your finances. While it is great to go out with your friends, make sure not to overdo it. There are usually a lot of discounts available for students, so find out what deals apply to you. Can you find your books at a second-hand store? Are drinks cheaper on Tuesday nights? Is membership at your university gym cheaper than a regular gym? Saving a bit here and there makes a huge difference in the long run. 6. Do Not Forget to Call Home During my first year as an undergraduate, I miserably failed at calling home. But this was not a healthy choice – neither for me, nor for my parents. It is important to give updates on how you are doing, to remember that there are people who care for you, and to catch up with your loved ones. If your parents are helping you out financially, then remember to thank them every once in a while. If grandma sent you a box of baked cookies, then give her a call to let her know that you appreciate her. There are people who helped you get to where you are today, and they want to know that you remember them. 7. Do Not Be Afraid to Seek Help Being away from home can be difficult. Researchers have found that the stress of a first failed midterm or a low grade on an assignment can lead to a vicious cycle of hopelessness, lack of motivation, and declining academic performance.[1] Universities often experience a peek in the number of students coming to seek help during final exam season. At McGill University, for instance, their mental health clinic serves four times the number of students close to the end of the academic year.[2] If you are feeling stressed, lonely, discouraged, or anxious, do not be afraid to seek help. Your college has a variety of staff available to help you, including a team of mental health professionals. If you just need to talk to someone, there is always a listening ear available. Find out where your college’s counseling office is, and be encouraged that you are not the only one on campus who is finding your new life as a university student a bit of a challenge. Yes, you can make these the best years of your life. [1] Hanlon, C. 2012. Addressing mental health issues on university campuses. State of Mind. [online] Available at: < http://www.aucc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/mental-health-state-of-mind-university-manager-article-summer-2012.pdf> [2] Bradwhaw, J. and Wingrove, J. December 07, 2012. As student stress hits crisis levels, universities look to ease pressure. Globe and Mail. [online] Available at: < http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/as-student-stress-hits-crisis-levels-universities-look-to-ease-pressure/article5902668/>

Am I the only one who stays up late all week doing things around the house, forcing myself to go to sleep so that I can get up for work the next day, in full anticipation of Friday when I can stay up late to party, or in my case, read that book that left me hanging in the last chapter? Then, when Friday finally rolls around, I find myself falling asleep at the dinner table. It is so unfair. But isn’t that what being a good parent, spouse, employee, friend, etc. is all about? We do everything we can to keep all those proverbial plates balanced high above our heads on that tiny stick so that we have happiness all around us. The problem with that is that my family knows I’m “there” physically, but my brain is in bed dreaming up my own ending to that book that I’m dying to finish. So, who benefits from my exhaustion? We’ve heard about the studies that show how stress makes us less productive at work, how power-naps are great for productivity, and delegating tasks will free up time and allow more productive time on the job. Well, let’s apply this to all aspects of our lives. The take-away from all that corporate stuff is simple. Reduce stress, get sleep, and ask for help. But how on earth do we apply that to our busy family lives? Get Your Priorities Straight The first thing we have to realize is that we must have time to ourselves in order to be healthy for those around us. I know it is a lot easier said than done, but we have to sort through what really matters. The chores are always there, but our kids will grow up, and have their own time management system one day. Define what is most important to you, and start there. If it is 30 minutes during the day to take a walk, or read a book, do it! Schedule it. Teach The Kids About “Me Time” Good habits start young. One way to teach kids about “Me time” and still have some, is to give the whole household that time at the same time. Use different parts of the house to have each person do one thing for a specified amount of time that they like to do on their own. I can do my reading, while my son does his drawing. Uninterrupted bliss, I say. If that doesn’t work, try alternating child date nights between spouse and the grandparents. While the kids are having fun with your spouse, you can get spa time, and then be rejuvenated enough to enjoy the kids on your special day with them. The kids will have a memory of special time with each parent, and you each get some well-deserved solitude. Plan Time To Plan Who has time to sit down and write what you’re thinking, right? No, this is really important. Not only do we organize our thoughts, but it has a way of helping us commit. Plan your meals to save the infamous, “What would you like for dinner” with the “I don’t care” response. Put a menu where everyone in the house can see it. Of course, that also requires the shopping plan too. Shop once a week so that you have one less worry in your week, and it saves money too. Eat Raw Yes, I know how much kids love their veggies, but saving time can be good for them. Salad nights are great dinners, and it saves you from cooking. On grocery day, wash and cut all the produce, and keep it at child level in the refrigerator. In addition to making healthy snacks available to the kids, it allows you to organize your refrigerator, and the best part is that it makes it easy for kids to help make that salad for dinner. If it is all washed and cut, all you need to do is dish it up. Kids can do that. Enlist The entire Family in Chores It is time we start acknowledging how smart and capable our kids are, and give them the chance to feel a part of the household. Even young children can be a big help, and let’s face it, they love to get praise for a job well done. Make a game for the little ones and teach them about seeing things that need to be done. If they see a stray shoe, they can put it in its home. They can shoot some hoops by tossing that sock in the laundry basket. In order to help the little ones learn good habits and teach them routines, place lists where they can see them. Morning routines or even chores can be put on a sticky note for them to do something on their own. An excited “Thank you so much for helping” will keep them looking at those notes daily. White Board The one tool I could not live without is my dry erase board. We each put everything on the board. The menu, shopping list, appointments, lists of things that need to be done, and anything else we may forget, or that other family members may need to know. Placed in a central location, where everyone sees it daily, it also lets everyone know how they can help, in addition to knowing when you are not available. I use different colors for different sorts of tasks, but get creative, and let the kids help. White boards are so much fun for kids. Set Time Limits For those big jobs, set a timer and do as much as you can for just 10 minutes a day. It is amazing what you can get done 10 minutes at a time. Whatever you do, get started. Don’t put it off. Life is way too short to look forward to that fun thing you get to do at the end of the week, only to be too exhausted to participate.

Whether your child has gone off to college, joined the military, or has just decided to move out and make a go of it, you are no doubt experiencing what is known as Empty Nest Syndrome. This time in your life is when your youngest child has left home (the nest) and now you are feeling alone, sad, guilty, empty, and useless. No doubt for many years you have been doing all things related to your children and your children's well-being. You have gone from changing diapers to taking your kids to preschool, to running to sporting events, music lessons, ballet, and everything in between, to watching your child walk on the podium and graduate from high school. Such joy, such memories, such usefulness. What should you do now that all of THAT is gone? First, realize that what you are going through is normal. Suddenly having an empty nest can be a painful shock to the system, leaving you feeling heartbroken and more than a little lost. No matter how long you may have looked forward to this day, the day when you could come and go where you wanted, for how long you wanted, without watching the time in order to pick somebody up from some activity, the day is here, and it's not fun! Your primary role in life for decades, maybe centuries, has been the role of "Mom" or "Dad", and that role has now been taken from you. You are left with only your spouse. You look at your spouse and wonder who that person is. You may also feel like you’re not sure who YOU are anymore – after all, your sense of self has been centered on being a parent for a long time. So, what do you do now? Do not ignore your feelings and recognize the fact that you experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome. There are many different avenues to consider, such as being proactive, taking time to learn about yourself, and rekindling your feelings for your spouse by making your marriage a priority. Be Proactive - Program yourself to learn how to cope with missing your child(ren). Prepare to deal with the loneliness before those feelings surface. Learn how to empower yourself with the tools that will help you be in control. Take Time to Learn about You - When you feel lonely, think about your life before children and remember the love you and your spouse had prior to having kids. Make dates, plan trips to see things you've dreamed of seeing over the years, or purposefully incorporate happiness and laughter into your everyday living. All of these things will make you feel better. Get a Pet or a Hobby - Share your newly found space with a pet. Studies have proven that having a pet in your life can lessen depression. Enroll in a painting or pottery class, take a gourmet cooking workshop, or read all those novels you've been hearing about. Getting out and about in the world can lead to meeting new people and developing new, lifelong friendships. Write in a journal - Write about your feelings, as well as what you plan to do, or could do, to change the way you are responding to the empty nest. Sometimes writing your thoughts in a journal can be very therapeutic. Reconnect with your spouse - Learn what each of you likes and dislikes. Discover things you didn't know about your spouse due to the busy lives you have lived through the last few decades. Since there are no children in the house, you can be a bit more relaxed. Take showers and naps together, have sex whenever the urge presents itself. Snuggle on the couch together, in your underwear or unclothed, while watching television. Take advantage of your newfound privacy. Embrace your new life - Your "life" has taken a back seat for many years. Do what you want to do: travel, get a new job, move to a new city. The possibilities are endless. Live intentionally by doing things you want to do, with and without your spouse. Although you knew the day was coming when you would no longer have children in your house, nobody can be totally prepared for the emotions that will follow the realization of the empty nest. It's helpful to have some knowledge of how to cope, as well as learning some things others in this predicament before you have done. If the empty nest gets too overwhelming for you, contact a professional counselor. The trained staff at the Orange County Relationship Center can help you get through this time in your life. Call 949-220-3211 today to make an appointment or schedule your appointment online at our website. There is no need to suffer and go through coping with an empty nest by yourself. Many times, it is helpful to talk with someone who can help you by providing a different perspective to your situation or by teaching you ways to deal with your loneliness.

Well on the eve of Christmas I think it is timely that we deal with this chapter called “Boundaries and Your Family” A few important things have stuck out for me in this section. Primarily, how we can make a change on the outside yet if the change is not in our hearts or in our minds or our values then it will only be actions and in fact, we will be easily swayed to the old way; as well as, possibly feel guilty for this internal inconsistency. Specifically, this relates to how we have separated ourselves from our families. We may have chosen to move to a different town, gotten married, even had kids, yet we still feel a pull from the familial roots we have come from as we have not made a change to move away in our hearts. This moving away is a sign of maturity and growth. Later in the chapter we read about how God asks us to really leave our families and to be adopted by Him. Have you done that? Do you identify with who you are as the daughter of “Sally” or as a ‘Daughter of the King’ ? Where is your compass set to? Towards your family of origin and the guilt, hurts, and abuse from the past OR towards Freedom and the future? I was just discussing today how this Christmas will probably be full of stress and unmet expectations. A Godly friend questioned me with whom do I identify? With the sins of my family’s past and the guilt and codependency of my youth or with the freedom I can have in Christ ?AND where are my expectations…if on ANYONE but God I am sure to get disappointed this holiday season! It seems like the rubber meets the road for me in this Chapter. I desire to be well rounded. To have my mind and heart focused on God’s goodness, yet I seem to get pulled back into needing affirmation and approval by people who actually cannot even fully affirm or approve me! “Many times we are not obeying the Word of God because we have not spiritually left home.”(Pg 138) Here are a few points on how to bring resolution to boundary problems in the family <!--[if !supportLists]-->1)<!--[endif]-->Identify the Symptom <!--[if !supportLists]-->2)<!--[endif]-->Identify the conflict <!--[if !supportLists]-->3)<!--[endif]-->Identify the need that drives the conflict <!--[if !supportLists]-->4)<!--[endif]-->Take in and receive the good <!--[if !supportLists]-->5)<!--[endif]-->Practice boundary skills <!--[if !supportLists]-->6)<!--[endif]-->Say no to the Bad <!--[if !supportLists]-->7)<!--[endif]-->Forgive the Aggressor <!--[if !supportLists]-->8)<!--[endif]-->Respond, Don’t React <!--[if !supportLists]-->9)<!--[endif]-->Learn to love in freedom and responsibility , Not in guilt Well, I desire as Christmas comes closer to apply these items and to hopefully have a love, peace, and boundary filled holiday! Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

The origins of Thanksgiving have nothing to do with a bunch of Indians and pilgrims sitting down for a bountiful feast of turkey. In reality although the settlers with pale faces had been bothering the Indians in addition to giving them many new diseases they had never had were starving by this time. The Indians took pity on them and brought them some corn and fish. Thanksgiving has a lot of emotional disappointment and this article will show you how to deal with this. This is a period of time in which you are expected to give to others and be generous. Although the intention is good it often leads to self sacrifice and disappointment. This is a period of time in which you must balance your newfound humanitarianism with the demands on your own life. If you do not continue to reach your own immediate goals either at work or at home you will find yourself being irritable and exhausted. Remember that an obligation to give to others does not mean that you have to sacrifice your own needs. You must remember to give yourself some time for your own physical and mental well-being. It is a time when we most often neglect the things we do to make ourselves happy and keep ourselves balanced like exercise, yoga, or other spiritual practices for your own physical and mental well-being This is a time to find some positive solutions to deal with your family members past resentments. Remember that when I family system gets back together it quickly returns to whatever difficulties encountered before. Even if you're the only person in the room aware of this it may help you from dealing with the fallacy that "now that we're all together we must be alright." This leads to the need to decide on your priorities and organize your time adequately. I this will counteract your feelings that you have not a planned enough for Thanksgiving. If you find additional time you can always volunteer to feed the poor would do random acts of kindness. You may also need to have planned out some unstructured inexpensive holiday activity because this holiday evokes a feeling of being served good food rather than organizing fun things to participate in. Spending some time thinking about this will save the day when you are reunited with your family and no one knows what to do. One of the major fallacies are that Thanksgiving will take away feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, anger and frustration. This holiday is heavily advertised is a time in which everyone appreciates being together. The fallacy behind that becomes clear when you are reuniting with family members and you realize why you have become independent of them. You may find yourself being overwhelmed with anger or fear or worse yet feeling alone being surrounded by your family. The worst emotion that creeps up on this holiday is resentment. It is usually triggered by a previous bad relationship with a family member. Beware of grudges and slights you have suffered in the past and keep them from resurfacing. Thanksgiving is designed to encourage gluttony. This is not an open invitation to eat too much. Remember that most people with eating disorders simply want to have something to control in their lives and to avoid the resentment and self-hatred you will naturally feel after eating way past feeling hungry. This includes other over indulgences. You know by now what you need to keep a careful eye on so that you don't lose control and this may be an opportunity to set an example with other family members who still have raging addictions. You may want to have some contingency plans when they become abusively angry, drunk or chemically impaired. If it the end of the holiday feast you find yourself still feeling depressed or resentful remember what the Indians did. They didn't like these foreigners who is strange customs and behaviors showed such a resentment towards nature that it disrupted and destroyed the Indian culture. Yet they still took pity on these poor starving people and threw them a fish or two.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Once upon a time, a man and a woman would get married and have children. Together they would raise these children and watch them leave the nest. They would then retire and spend the rest of their lives in matching rockers. While this still does happen in the year 2012, it is not the norm anymore. With divorce rates soaring as high as they have ever been, step families are also classified as the norm. Even though this is a normal situation, there are challenges that a couple should think about before they say I Do again. Any marriage that begins with children from previous relationships can cause some challenging situations. Before a person with children should remarry, they should confront three main issues in order to ensure that all is as harmonious as possible. Finances and custody/living arrangements: The majority of people who are remarrying do not purchase a new home. Instead, they move into their new partner’s home. This may be good or bad depending on the couple and their situation. Personally, I would rather have a new home that is “ours” instead of living in his home which he once shared with his ex wife. It should also be taken into consideration where the children will be living. Making them feel at home wherever they are is the most important thing when it comes to the living arrangements. Also make sure that you both understand how the finances will be. Some couples wish to share and some wish to keep things separate. Many women who have step children wish for the finances to be kept separate so that it is their husbands that are paying the child support with their own money. This is a personal choice that should be discussed before the nuptials. Resolving Feeling: Getting remarried may bring up old and painful feelings from your first marriage. We never completely stop loving people; we simply love them in a different way than we originally did. It is important for both you and your children to confront any emotions before remarriage. Their feelings are just as important, if not more so, then yours are. You also want your relationship with your ex spouse to be a healthy as possible so your children are as healthy as possible. Expect changes in parenting styles: Everyone has their one way of parenting. Talk with your future spouse about these sort of topics so you can work together as a team when it comes to the children. The Quality of Marriage Vs. The Quality of Parenting When a couple first gets married they may be so wrapped up in being in love that the children feel neglected. If they are already having difficulty managing their feelings about their mom/dad being in a new relationship, this will only add to their feelings of sadness and abandonment. Make sure that there is a certain time everyday that is just for you and your children. The new spouse can be inserted in that together time later- but in the beginning, they need to know that mom/dad is still on their side always. Step Parent/Step Child Relationships Being in a step family can be wonderful, but it can also present problems as well. How the step parent handles parental things may be quite different then how you or your ex spouse does. This is not as difficult when you remarry while the step child is at a young age because you kind of grow up along with them. However, coming into a step family that has a teenager can get messy since this is already a rebellious stage for a teen. The main thing is to help with the readjustment as best you can. Do not jump right into the “mom” or “dad” role. The best thing to do in the beginning is to form a friendly relationship. Relationships with children cannot be pushed as they are very fragile. When it comes to discipline, have a talk with the custodial parent to see how they think things should be handled. Different things work better for different families and no two are just alike. The Absent Parent The absent parent (the one which does not have the child living with them) should be included in the child’s life as much as possible. This will help keep the child emotionally balanced when a remarriage occurs. Research shows that when the absent parent visits consistently and stays active in their child’s life, the child is more likely to adjust to the remarriage better and more quickly. Otherwise, they will feel abandoned by the absent parent and the easiest person to blame for that is the step parent. Being a step parent myself, I have seen and experienced some of these things. However, after being married for 6 years I have an excellent relationship with my step children- with my step daughter in particular. For me, I know my place in their lives. When they are in my home, I am in charge…I am mom even though we all know that they have a mother. My step son is at the age where he wants to be with dad all the time. However, my step daughter is almost 16 and she is one of the few bright lights in my life. We got to this point in our relationship because I did not try to play the role of MOM. We are more like friends than parent/child but she knows that I can be MOM when she needs me to be. This is what worked for me. Find what works for you and do your best for your family.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Whether you realize it or not, sleep plays a very large role in our lives. In fact, at least 1/3 of our entire life is spent sleeping! When we are children we hate to do it and as adults we cannot get enough of it, but either way you look at it, sleep is something we must have. You may be surprised to learn what sleep does for our bodies and what the effects of not getting enough it can be. The Importance of Sleep for Children Children burn a lot of energy during the daytime hours. Their only real resting period (and yours!) is during slumber. It is recommended that school aged children should get between 10 and 12 hours of sleep each night to get the maximum benefits that sleep provides. But why is it so important to get enough sleep? What does it do? · When you child is young, their brains are in developmental overload. Sleep helps to restore the brains functions in order for your child to be able to learn each day. It also gives their brains a rest from the flurry of activity it processes throughout the daytime hours. · When a child does not get enough sleep it can lead to obesity. Sleep helps to keep hormones balanced and when you are not getting enough, these hormones have a harder time balancing out and in turn they do not properly regulate feelings of hunger. This can lead to overeating which is a major childhood issue right now. · Lack of sleep in childhood has also been associated with ADHD and behavioral problems. When a child’s brain is not well rested they tend to act ways they are not even consciously aware of. · For a child that stays overly tired, snoring can occur, even at very young ages. When infants snore it can delay their overall development. · If your child experiences night terrors, you may want to evaluate the amount of sleep they are getting. Night terrors are made worse when a child is deprived of the proper amount of sleep. · Lack of sleep can cause memory problems. This is because memory consolidation happens when you are asleep. When we do not get enough sleep this consolidation cannot occur and this can lead to short and long term memory loss. · During the REM period of sleep, your child unlearns certain things. This is very important! Think of it like this. Your child has just learned how to ride a bike. The first 20 times that they tired, they fell off. However, the 21st time they mastered it! When they sleep they dump out the superfluous memories and keep the important learned lessons. This means that when the go to get on their bike they automatically do what they did on the 21st time, having unlearned how to fall off the bike! Sleep deprivation can make it to where these types of things are not unlearned and new skills may begin to slip away, only to have to be relearned all over again. · Children who get enough sleep tend to perform better in all areas of their lives. Plus, having a child who gets enough sleep also gives you the chance to get the amount of sleep you need! It is a win-win situation! The Importance of Sleep in Adults Sleep is not just important for children. As adults, we still need enough sleep to function right and stay healthy. It is recommended that adults get at least 8 hours of sleep per night. Below you will find the top reasons why sleep plays an important part in our lives as well! Becoming sleep deprived can be very dangerous. It effects hand-eye coordination which is needed to do many tasks each day. Take driving for example. This requires good reaction time and attention span. When someone who has not had enough sleep gets behind the wheel it is as bad as if they are intoxicated. And speaking of intoxication, those who are not getting enough sleep and who drink get affected more quickly by the alcohol which can make for some dangerous situations. As we get older our memory begins to falter a bit. This is a natural part of aging but it is magnified 100% when you do not sleep enough. Adults who do not get enough sleep are moodier during the day and have a hard time concentrating at the tasks the need to accomplish. This can lead to damage of relationship and job loss. Studies have shown that adults who do not get the proper amount of sleep have a lower immune system. This is because the body is not being given enough time to rest and restore itself before being slung back into motion. Studies have also shown that adults who do not sleep enough are more likely to have irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure and increased levels of stress. Finally and maybe most importantly, getting enough sleep at night has been tied to helping people avoid cancer or fighting it off if it has already been diagnosed. Of course getting your rest will not cure cancer or stop it if it is going to infect you, but every little thing helps when it comes to this horrible illness so why not at least take it into consideration and get more sleep just in case? Go to Bed! Why? Because I Said So! No matter how young or old you are, it is a proven fact that your overall wellbeing and health is effected by how much sleep you get at night. Millions of people suffer from sleep deprivation. Some people do not get enough sleep because of stress in their lives or other things that keep them awake and worrying. For some it is due to insomnia, which is a curable disorder. Others just shirk sleep because they have so much to do (like me for instance!) No matter what the reason, the bottom line is that sleep is essential for keeping us happy and healthy. So, even though it may be difficult to get into the habit of going to bed earlier, it is something that your body will thank you for in a million and one ways! Now it is time for me to get some rest, so good night everyone!