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Great chemistry, communication, and trust are at the top of the list when it comes to having a succe [More]

Where's the Love Gone? You don't know when it dawned on you that you and your partner were at odds with each other, avoiding the cues and rationalizing the disagreements, but at some point you realized, "Life is not so peachy any more." The peach days were vibrant- full of sweet exchanges, soft touches and loving gestures. You swore to yourself that there would never come a day when her touch wouldn't be electric, his quirky sense of humor adorable, and yet here you are. Wondering when the resentments started, where the affection went and when all those delightful habits suddenly became dull and bothersome. If your relationship sounds anything like the above, you're not alone. When couples are in gridlock, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay invested in the relationship and work through tough problems. At an impasse, couples are usually hurt, bitter, angry and resentful. It's important to remember that relationships naturally ebb and flow, struggling with various obstacles through all different stages of the relationship. According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute,the average couple waits six years before seeking help for ongoing marital problems. Additionally, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. Learning to identify when discord arises in your relationship will allow you to nip those disagreements in the bud early on, without the endless emotional baggage. So how can you rekindle the love in your relationship and learn to appreciate your partner's idiosyncrasies? The Gottman Institute suggests that by getting to know each other again, as if for the first time, allows for a fresh perspective to unfold. By making a routine of asking about your significant other's inner worldview- their dreams, hopes, aspirations and fears- will allow for space to emerge to reconnect with one another and allow your partner in on your ever-changing life story, so that the experience is shared for the both of you. In a committed relationship, the more you choose to weather the storm together instead of doing it alone, the closer and more connected you can become. Another way to strengthen your relationship is to turn towards your partner with affection. Couples often do what are called "bids for affection" (Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999). These bids happen instinctively; a natural process in order to receive satisfaction, love and support from one another. In newer relationships, these bids are exchanged frequently and freely- without thinking. Couples heightened awareness of each other at this stage makes it easy to spot those subtle cues and respond accordingly. If you learn to pinpoint when your partner is making a bid and can respond immediately to it, you create a space for trust, affirmation and deeper meaning of the relationship. Redefining your common interests, traditions and shared meanings about life add to the value and success of your relationship. Families have unique customs, traditions and rituals they innately create for themselves. A family's story is constantly being strengthened or re-storied to fit the needs and desires of their unique lifestyle. By recreating a shared meaning system, couples are less likely to have perpetual problems with potential gridlock and more likely to continue the building blocks for a more long-term, happy and connected family unit. This also happens inadvertently when you explore your partner's inner worldview and get familiar with their desires again. Relationships take time, investment and energy to stay strong. They are not static, but instead are constantly evolving. The key to keeping the love alive is to think of your relationship as a continuous narrative, with a surplus of endings. You and your significant partner are the authors- together developing, creating and changing the story to your liking along the way. Throwing assumptions out the door and recognizing that your ideas about life purpose, meaning and direction will shift and change, along with your spouse's, allows for more commitment to falling in love, over and over again. If you feel as though your relationship has been unusually tense lately with no resolve, remember to detect the warning signs of relationship crisis early on so you and your partner can make quick and effective changes to rebuild and strengthen your relationship for continued success.

Sexual problems can be from medical or endocrine related problems. A specialist can be consulted. Fertility doctors can assist with problems getting or maintaining pregnancy. Sex Therapist can provide techniques for premature ejaculation or vaginal discomfort as well as helping couples rediscover their passion. [More]

Many of us plan vacations to get away from our busy schedules. Arlene Uhi’s text, The Complete Idiots Guide to Beating Stress, suggests that much of the stress we experience is often connected to our daily routines (i.e. commute, commitments, and concerns) (Uhi 2006). According to a recent 2009 study completed by Joudrey and Wallace, active leisure pursuits (such as taking a vacation) helped reduce job related stress among a sample of 900 participants (Whitbourne 2010). Beyond the individual benefits, taking a vacation can also help increase family bonding, communication, and solidarity.A vacation can (Uhi 2006): Slow down our frantic routine Temporarily relieve us from our chores Provide space and time to reflect Provide space to recondition negative habits Teach us new stress-beating skills that we can adapt to our daily life. The author suggests that you choose a getaway that will instill calmness and relaxation. Taking a break from routine can help decrease hormone activity related to stress and hyperarousal. Give yourself an opportunity to escape from your daily rituals and experience something new. Any new activity that breaks away from your comfort will likely lead to increased satisfaction and joy. Activities you may want to consider: Pampering Spas Receiving a massage Enter a whirlpool or hot spring Mud bath treatment Getting a Facial Yoga Vacations Learn and practice Yoga Enjoy peaceful surroundings Meet a diverse group of individuals Active Adventures Bicycling Tours Camping Golf or Tennis Camps Multisport tours Walking Tours Beach or Patio Vacations References: Uhl, A. (2006). The complete idiot's guide to beating stress. New York, N.Y: Alpha Books. Whitbourne, Susan (2010). The importance of vacations to our physical and mental health. Psychology Today: Sussex Publishers Counselling Services for York Region

How do you cope in small spaces? "To be stuck inside a mobile with the Memphis blues again" as Bob Dylan so poignantly phrased it going from living in a house to living in a recreational vehicle has some unforeseen difficulties. Most assuredly everyone you meet will be bedazzled by your transformation and with more than a little better than the wish that they too could live happily ever after as the fairytale goes. Make no mistake about it if there was anything that annoyed you about your own personal habits or those of with whom you choose to travel being in a confined space acts like a catalyst on those feelings. You know you are there when suddenly you feel overcome by rage and annoyance. What is puzzling is the insignificant triggers that may cause this which normally you could deal with in your housebound existence. Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time in a confined space (sub mariners, felons and astronauts) will all agree that as Sartre said "Hell is other people." It is important to catch this unconscious hostility before it mushrooms and obliterates your good judgment. Too many people think that simplifying their lives will eliminate their hardship As the Dalai Lama so carefully pointed out simply making your life less complicated does not excuse you from the four noble truths of Buddhism which are suffering, illness, old age and death. Too many people think that simplifying their lives will eliminate their hardship and become disillusioned when they start to face those issues without any their usual escapes that living in a house provides. There is nothing any harder than learning to be civil in a small space. Even Shakespeare was prone to having "large thoughts in a small room." The essence of this attitude is to be open and aware of the other person. Aside from listening carefully without commenting or directing the conversation back to you; the major difficulty is sticking to understanding what that person is dealing with here and now, right in front of you. As in any relationship you have a choice of either listening and solving problems together or ignoring and arguing until somebody gets too tired. Social psychologists are quick to point out that a major cause for impulsive violence is overcrowding. The first thing you need to learn is the ability to quiet your own feelings and desires and really pay attention to the person you are sharing such a small space with. Along with this is an ability not to get engaged in criticizing or attempting to solve their difficulties. There is no greater love than knowing someone so well and still appreciating them... On the positive note this is an opportunity to both test your patience and get to know someone extremely well. It is one you can truly forgive their faults and enjoy the pleasure of being around them that you realize things may work out. There is no greater love than knowing someone so well and still appreciating them. About Dr. Kevin Kappler PhD:I have been a psychologist with over 30 years of experience doing therapy with individuals, couples, families children and adolescents. I have had many years experience consulting with people over the phone and through email since I have retired.Read more here

There is a lot of hype about social media, and I understand its advantages. I have a network of friends across the globe that I can tap into within seconds. I can Skype my sister in California, Facebook my friend in New York, Tweet to my former classmate in London, and comment on my boyfriend’s Instagram photo taken in Winnipeg – all with very little effort. The Dawn of Social Media This digital connectivity is a historically recent phenomenon. Its beginnings trace back to 1991, when Tim Berners-Lee connected hypertext technology with the Internet, leading to the creation of the World Wide Web.[1] Soon, email replaced snail mail and weblogs replaced printed diaries and journals. New communities formed online, creating alternate means of social interaction. A decade later, Web 2.0, a term coined by Darcy DiNucci,[2] shifted the dynamics of virtual communities. Instead of only allowing Internet users to passively read online content, Web 2.0 now permitted individuals to actively interact as creators of user-generated content. Today, social media outlets – such as Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn, and Skype – form a large part of social interactions. How Social is Social Media? We have witnessed a series of technological breakthroughs, but has there been a corresponding social breakthrough? Has social media contributed to us becoming more social? Proponents of social media suggest that it has enhanced our relationships. Rainie et al., for instance, claim that individuals should not fear the Internet; rather, if they learn how to network effectively online, they can benefit from endless possibilities to offer support, exchange information, and converse with people all across the globe.[3] But while online communities can produce a greater quantity of personal contacts, they tend to diminish the quality of interactions. Malcolm Gladwell is critical of the laziness that social media encourages. He argues that it is so easy for people to participate in social networks that they end up devoting less time and energy to their interactions with others.[4] Social media eases connectivity, but connectivity is not the same as connection. I can instant message my father in Guadalajara, but our online conversation will only scratch the surface of a deep father-daughter connection. The bases of profound relationships – such as trust, commitment, and compatibility – are difficult to strengthen via pixels on sleek displays, no matter how aesthetically appealing and user-friendly they might look. As pointed out by Monserrat, a person's tone of voice and body language is essential to forming strong relationships.[5] It is easy to ‘like’ a friend’s Facebook photo, but it takes more time and involvement to show someone that you sincerely care about their well-being. Some interactions on social media can even produce anti-social behaviours. A survey conducted by VitalSmart revealed that 1 in 5 individuals has blocked, unsubscribed, or unfriended someone else due to an online quarrel.[6] In other words, bullying, rudeness, and disrespect have permeated a medium intended to foster favorable social interactions. Therapists: Listening Ears to Deaf Crowds Means of communication are changing quickly, and therapists should reflect on how to respond to this new age of hyper-interconnectivity. They should not fear social media, but they should understand its strengths and weaknesses. Participating in online networks can help build a therapist’s practice, allow for up-to-date exchanges of information, as well as produce healthy dialogues about mental health issues. However, therapists should also recognize that – perhaps more than ever – they have unique contribution to make to the quality of people’s lives. Fast-paced lifestyles combined with superficial virtual communities can produce social alienation, causing many to disconnect from others and even from themselves. For some, a therapist might be the only person who can offer a full hour of their time to listen to their story, provide helpful insights, and encourage them along their journey – all without the interruption of Tweets, Facebook messages, Instagram photos, and LinkedIn updates. Therapists offer a breath of fresh air in a world polluted by restless online hyperactivity. [1] Van Dijck, J. 2013. The Culture of Connectivity: A Critical History of Social Media. New York: Oxford UP, pp 5. [2] DiNucci, D. 1999. Fragmented Future, Print Magazine. pp 32, 221-2. [3] Rainie, H., L. Rainie, and B. Vellman. 2012. Networked: The New Social Operating System. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, pp. 255. [4] Gladwell, M. Small Change, The New Yorker, [online] Available at: <http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/10/04/101004 fa_fact_gladwell> [Accessed 30 June 2013]. [5] Monserrat, A. Leadership Means Face-to-Face, Not Facebook, Forbes, [online] Available at: < http://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesleadershipforum/2011/ 08/29/the-social-media-fallacy-real-leadership-means-face-to-face-not-facebook/> [Accessed 30 June 2013]. [6] People more likely to be rude on social media; affects friendships in real life. Daily News, 10 April 2013. [online] Available at: <http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/friendships-cut-short-social-media-article-1.1312747#ixzz2XjSTFeew> [Accessed on 30 June 2013].

Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Part of the traditional marriage vows indicate a partner's willingness to remain together in sickness and in health. So, could getting married to remain healthy as good of a reason to tie the knot as love? Many researchers over the years have reported that marriage is good for your health and that healthy married people are less likely to die at the same rate as unmarried people. More recent research agreed that marriage is, in fact, a positive move, up until the point that a person's health begins declining. A 20-year study showed healthy, unmarried people were about 75 percent more likely to have died than married people. So, what does that really mean? At a glance, it seems that marriage encourages people to be healthy due to having a purpose in life; that purpose being that they are depended upon in a relationship by their partner. It makes you wonder if love fades, then, at the same rate as health fades. Some people think that married people are less likely to report having failing health than singles are. On many occasions, it seems that by the time a married person reports their health problems, they may already be very close to the end of their life. Let's look at all of this in another way. Obviously, those who are in a good, positive marriage will most likely be in better health, if only due to being happy without much drama or stress in their lives. So, that being said, it makes you wonder if men and women show the same health-related advantages as a result of being married. For men, it appears that the happier their marriage, the higher their survival rate. For example, married men who had to undergo heart surgery were more than twice as likely than unmarried men to be alive 10 to 15 years later. For women, the status of their marriage is even more important. Women who are very satisfied with their marriages increase their survival rate almost four times of that of their unmarried counterparts. It seems that there really is a connection between love and happiness. Married people are likely to be happy with life compared to those who are single, living together, separated, divorced, or widowed. Also worth noting, a good marriage is better for your quality of life than a high-paying job. Married people are less depressed and having fewer mental issues than singles as well. This is likely because of trust in the marriage and the ability to talk about things with your spouse, knowing you will not be judged. There are studies that show mental health increases substantially for marrieds and deteriorates substantially for divorcees or those who are separated. More statistics indicate that marrieds also have lower blood pressure, lower stress levels, and better immune systems. Obviously, there are other things about marriage to consider. Marriage will not sustain itself. It takes a lot of work and commitment to maintain a wonderful, happy relationship. No marriage goes from start to finish without problems along the way. If you are having problems, such as arguing, not talking at all, or you or your spouse are experiencing low self-esteem, you should seek professional help. In order to maintain a healthy, lovely marriage, it is important to go back to the basics. No doubt you have heard or read all of these things many times before, but it bears repeating that all of these things are the basics for living in a healthy marriage. Communicate - For any relationship, including marriage, communication is the key to healthy relationships. Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and other problems. Be Positive - Negativity weakens a marriage and will eventually damage it if you are not careful. Have Sex - Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. Remember to hug, kiss, hold hands, and talk. It isn't hard to fall into the cycle of feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. Understanding and Respect - Understand the way your spouse likes to be loved. Respect your spouse, and show you appreciate your spouse by staying thank you often. Show appreciation to your spouse as often as possible. Quality Time - Make it a priority to spend time together as a couple in love. This is especially important once children enter your world. If you have to, schedule time for a date on your calendars and take turns choosing where you will go or what you will do on your date. Do this at least once a month; once a week is preferable. Get Help when Needed - The most important piece of advice is this: Realize that there are trying times in any marriage, and accept the fact that there may be times when you and your spouse need to seek professional help to get you through a crossroads. People change, situations change, and relationships change. What you do not want to happen is to turn into a couple who share a space with no emotional attachment. The most important consideration is the quality of your marriage. Many different researches have concluded that a happy marriage can add a number of years to your life. Marriage is an important factor to think about, all while making sure to treat your spouse with respect. So, any way you look at it, a strong marriage really is something worth working for. If you are having issues in your marriage that you cannot seem to work through on your own, as a couple, it is time to seek professional help. Let the trained counselors at the Orange County Relationship Center help you through the rough times so you can maintain a positive relationship with your spouse. Call us today at 949-220-3211, or schedule an appointment online.

Whether your child has gone off to college, joined the military, or has just decided to move out and make a go of it, you are no doubt experiencing what is known as Empty Nest Syndrome. This time in your life is when your youngest child has left home (the nest) and now you are feeling alone, sad, guilty, empty, and useless. No doubt for many years you have been doing all things related to your children and your children's well-being. You have gone from changing diapers to taking your kids to preschool, to running to sporting events, music lessons, ballet, and everything in between, to watching your child walk on the podium and graduate from high school. Such joy, such memories, such usefulness. What should you do now that all of THAT is gone? First, realize that what you are going through is normal. Suddenly having an empty nest can be a painful shock to the system, leaving you feeling heartbroken and more than a little lost. No matter how long you may have looked forward to this day, the day when you could come and go where you wanted, for how long you wanted, without watching the time in order to pick somebody up from some activity, the day is here, and it's not fun! Your primary role in life for decades, maybe centuries, has been the role of "Mom" or "Dad", and that role has now been taken from you. You are left with only your spouse. You look at your spouse and wonder who that person is. You may also feel like you’re not sure who YOU are anymore – after all, your sense of self has been centered on being a parent for a long time. So, what do you do now? Do not ignore your feelings and recognize the fact that you experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome. There are many different avenues to consider, such as being proactive, taking time to learn about yourself, and rekindling your feelings for your spouse by making your marriage a priority. Be Proactive - Program yourself to learn how to cope with missing your child(ren). Prepare to deal with the loneliness before those feelings surface. Learn how to empower yourself with the tools that will help you be in control. Take Time to Learn about You - When you feel lonely, think about your life before children and remember the love you and your spouse had prior to having kids. Make dates, plan trips to see things you've dreamed of seeing over the years, or purposefully incorporate happiness and laughter into your everyday living. All of these things will make you feel better. Get a Pet or a Hobby - Share your newly found space with a pet. Studies have proven that having a pet in your life can lessen depression. Enroll in a painting or pottery class, take a gourmet cooking workshop, or read all those novels you've been hearing about. Getting out and about in the world can lead to meeting new people and developing new, lifelong friendships. Write in a journal - Write about your feelings, as well as what you plan to do, or could do, to change the way you are responding to the empty nest. Sometimes writing your thoughts in a journal can be very therapeutic. Reconnect with your spouse - Learn what each of you likes and dislikes. Discover things you didn't know about your spouse due to the busy lives you have lived through the last few decades. Since there are no children in the house, you can be a bit more relaxed. Take showers and naps together, have sex whenever the urge presents itself. Snuggle on the couch together, in your underwear or unclothed, while watching television. Take advantage of your newfound privacy. Embrace your new life - Your "life" has taken a back seat for many years. Do what you want to do: travel, get a new job, move to a new city. The possibilities are endless. Live intentionally by doing things you want to do, with and without your spouse. Although you knew the day was coming when you would no longer have children in your house, nobody can be totally prepared for the emotions that will follow the realization of the empty nest. It's helpful to have some knowledge of how to cope, as well as learning some things others in this predicament before you have done. If the empty nest gets too overwhelming for you, contact a professional counselor. The trained staff at the Orange County Relationship Center can help you get through this time in your life. Call 949-220-3211 today to make an appointment or schedule your appointment online at our website. There is no need to suffer and go through coping with an empty nest by yourself. Many times, it is helpful to talk with someone who can help you by providing a different perspective to your situation or by teaching you ways to deal with your loneliness.