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September 27, 2013
by Casey Truffo, LMFT

couple nagging argue

Why Nagging Won't Get You What You Want

September 27, 2013 07:00 by Casey Truffo, LMFT  [About the Author]

couple nagging argue
No relationship is perfect, and it's normal to want things to change for the better. But nagging almost never does the trick, and here is why. FB COMMENT: A relationship takes two people, and we all want to get our way at times. But when does persistence turn into nagging and why is it so harmful to a relationship? Therapist Casey Truffo, LMFT shares her valuable insight. [More]

August 23, 2013
by Sheila Hutchinson, M.Ed.

zzz river 2

Forgiveness: Reflections on the movie “The Abyss”

August 23, 2013 18:57 by Sheila Hutchinson, M.Ed.  [About the Author]

zzz river 2
Directed by Canadian Film Maker Mr.James Cameron Like all great artists and masters of language, Mr. Cameron's genius opens up the deeper and sometimes hidden collective themes and truths of life. On the surface, "The Abyss" presents a good story filled with elements of mission, danger and risk. Basically the story is about a team of people on an undersea drilling rig who are asked by the military to salvage a wrecked submarine in the depths of the ocean. The incentive for the team's acceptance is money. They are beset by numerous catastrophes; however, in the midst of these they encounter an advanced non human race of aquatic beings living in the deeper abyss. These translucent beautiful aliens can only be compared to the angelic. The hero is played by Ed Harris and he is married to the heroine Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. In the midst of their heightened marital discord and disharmony, they must join forces for the sake of the mission. It seems an impossible task for them to transcend their anger and bitterness toward one another. The Armour We Wear I was reminded of many underlying truths presented in and through this story. The personas we choose to develop at the early stages of our lives are usually quite strategic. These masks, or coverings, are usually linked with our basic needs to belong, to be loved, to be included and to feel a sense of self worth. Appearances and what one displays to the world, may hide that which is hidden in the depths of one’s being. In the abyss of one’s heart and soul there may be such caged pain, bitterness, resentment and anger. If the basic needs to feel a sense of self confidence and self worth have been compromised during the developmental stages of one’s life, then pain sets in. This affect may be too difficult to handle and a primal reaction is released. Skins or walls are grown around the pain so one does not have to feel insignificant. As I watched the heroine, I was reminded how we, as humans, all have a common ground. However unique we are, we all share this truth: the basic need to be regarded with dignity and respect. The challenge of true growth is often thrown at us in unexpected and vicarious ways. It is very often that in the midst of a crisis, loss and earth shattering experience that our walls crumble, armour falls and skins are shed. We are enthralled... as the story becomes more complicated with the uncovering of an evil plot brought aboard by two of the military members. The heroine is shunned by the team. Although she is clever and can run a ship, they see her as an arrogant and dominating woman who is far too self serving. She wears her intelligence and superior position as a threat to others. However, it is to this woman that the angelic beings first appear in the depths of her despair and helplessness. The story takes us through chaos, the struggle between good and evil, the threat of nuclear war, the limits of humanity, pride and humility which finally lead to redemption. The essential and core threads that create this marvellous tapestry are the moral choices made by the hero and heroine: the husband and wife. Initially we see the enraged husband take off his wedding band and throw it into the toilet only to turn back and retrieve what he has thrown away. As the story unfolds, he is the one who looks upon his unconscious apparently drowned wife and with determined passion brings her back to life. It is the crisis that returns them to their original love through choices of forgiveness and sacrifice. We witness the vulnerability and tears of the real heroine underneath her armour after her encounter with death and her rescue by her husband. When at the crescendo of the film the hero is as well at death's door, he is saved by the gentle graceful alien of the seas. She communicates to him an eternal truth which he embraces and which indeed makes him a hero. It is in the simple acts of forgiveness to our spouse and as well the moral choices that we make for the good of the other that set us free. Each time we forgive the other and each time we look to others before ourselves, we become heroes of our own lives. "Only the weak hang on to hatred and bitterness ... the strong ones forgive." - Mahatma Gandhi

August 20, 2013
by April Eldemire, LMFT

happycouple

Where’s the Love Gone? And How to Fall Back in Love All Over Again

August 20, 2013 16:06 by April Eldemire, LMFT  [About the Author]

happycouple
Where's the Love Gone? You don't know when it dawned on you that you and your partner were at odds with each other, avoiding the cues and rationalizing the disagreements, but at some point you realized, "Life is not so peachy any more." The peach days were vibrant- full of sweet exchanges, soft touches and loving gestures. You swore to yourself that there would never come a day when her touch wouldn't be electric, his quirky sense of humor adorable, and yet here you are. Wondering when the resentments started, where the affection went and when all those delightful habits suddenly became dull and bothersome. If your relationship sounds anything like the above, you're not alone. When couples are in gridlock, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay invested in the relationship and work through tough problems. At an impasse, couples are usually hurt, bitter, angry and resentful. It's important to remember that relationships naturally ebb and flow, struggling with various obstacles through all different stages of the relationship. According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute,the average couple waits six years before seeking help for ongoing marital problems. Additionally, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. Learning to identify when discord arises in your relationship will allow you to nip those disagreements in the bud early on, without the endless emotional baggage. So how can you rekindle the love in your relationship and learn to appreciate your partner's idiosyncrasies? The Gottman Institute suggests that by getting to know each other again, as if for the first time, allows for a fresh perspective to unfold. By making a routine of asking about your significant other's inner worldview- their dreams, hopes, aspirations and fears- will allow for space to emerge to reconnect with one another and allow your partner in on your ever-changing life story, so that the experience is shared for the both of you. In a committed relationship, the more you choose to weather the storm together instead of doing it alone, the closer and more connected you can become. Another way to strengthen your relationship is to turn towards your partner with affection. Couples often do what are called "bids for affection" (Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999). These bids happen instinctively; a natural process in order to receive satisfaction, love and support from one another. In newer relationships, these bids are exchanged frequently and freely- without thinking. Couples heightened awareness of each other at this stage makes it easy to spot those subtle cues and respond accordingly. If you learn to pinpoint when your partner is making a bid and can respond immediately to it, you create a space for trust, affirmation and deeper meaning of the relationship. Redefining your common interests, traditions and shared meanings about life add to the value and success of your relationship. Families have unique customs, traditions and rituals they innately create for themselves. A family's story is constantly being strengthened or re-storied to fit the needs and desires of their unique lifestyle. By recreating a shared meaning system, couples are less likely to have perpetual problems with potential gridlock and more likely to continue the building blocks for a more long-term, happy and connected family unit. This also happens inadvertently when you explore your partner's inner worldview and get familiar with their desires again. Relationships take time, investment and energy to stay strong. They are not static, but instead are constantly evolving. The key to keeping the love alive is to think of your relationship as a continuous narrative, with a surplus of endings. You and your significant partner are the authors- together developing, creating and changing the story to your liking along the way. Throwing assumptions out the door and recognizing that your ideas about life purpose, meaning and direction will shift and change, along with your spouse's, allows for more commitment to falling in love, over and over again. If you feel as though your relationship has been unusually tense lately with no resolve, remember to detect the warning signs of relationship crisis early on so you and your partner can make quick and effective changes to rebuild and strengthen your relationship for continued success.