Theravive

Conflict in committed relationships is ubiquitous. All manner of resolution and management skills are at our disposal, but perhaps the one element we focus on the least is conflict perspective. When in conflict, regardless with whom, three distinct perspectives are possible. One, we can view the situation from only our own perspective. Two, our focus can be on only our partner’s role and behavior. Three, we can view the conflict from above, so to speak. From that perch we afford ourselves a view of the pattern, our own role in it as well as our partner’s, and, perhaps most important of all, we can see how the pattern we are part of is headed in an ineffective and unproductive direction. It’s like an aerial view of your home town. You cannot see the entire town from just your own street corner. Likewise, you cannot see the whole conflict from your position exclusively. In position one, our own narrow focused perspective tends to see our partner as the source of the problem. This view is generally loaded with blame, either implied or explicit. From the my-perspective-only position, it is too easy to be a bull in a china shop. Typically, when you view a conflict from this vantage point, you believe you are right, and your partner is wrong. The binary right-wrong orientation leads to one or the other of you devising ways to win the argument, which inevitably produces mutual defensiveness. If you “win” the argument, you also lose due to the fact that the partner who “loses” tends to become distant–from YOU! Most people do not feel closer to their distant partner. Obviously, that does not promote connection and intimacy. Position two, approaching the problem from your partner’s perspective, may often be problematic. On the one hand, your partner will appreciate your recognition of their position. And that’s a good thing. On the other hand, if you see the problem only from your partner’s perspective, you are likely diverted from yourself. This is important on two accounts: first, your part of the pattern is a big piece of the puzzle you are both attempting to solve, so you really ought to know what your piece looks like if you want to solve the puzzle; second, the odds for selling yourself out go way up when you attend only to your partner’s perspective because you fail to give voice or attention to your own perspective of the problem and pattern. In perspective three, each party clearly views the conflict from above, and is able to see the pattern and your respective roles. From above, you have the best seats in the house! From there you can take in all the action! From there, you can make decisions that you cannot possibly make from positions one or two. One decision you can make is to pull the reins in on those behaviors that make it unsafe for your partner to speak honestly. What does that look like? That is when you decide not to call your partner a name when your frustrated or angry. Instead, you decide to take responsibility for your anger or frustration and talk about it, rather than act it out. It means using words that are always easy to hear, or turning the volume knob down instead of yelling. It means doing what’s powerful, not what’s overpowering. (More on this in an upcoming post). From the penthouse each of you can bask in conflict luxury as you realize that breaking a painful recurring pattern is more productive than being right! From above you can appreciate that this is a team effort, but this time, your both on the same team! It’s as if you’re looking down on a maze, and you are each helping the other navigate through the various passageways, i.e. behavioral trouble spots you each provide, until you get from stressed to calm, distant to close. Sound corny? It is, but it works. The view from above allows for compassion and empathy to punctuate the pain you each feel. The overview perspective has built in to it the desire each of you possess to see yourself and your partner realistically. In short, the view-from-above perspective promotes honesty, thereby building trust. Operating from the overview perspective takes practice, patience and persistence, as it is not the easiest of the three perspectives because it feels very risky. Like many difficult tasks, however, the rewards are consistent with your effort. Next time you and yours are faced with one of those stressful moments, see the pattern, break the pattern. Try the following: Before you dive in to the issue de jour, start by inviting each other to the overview. Describe what you see from your perspective–especially what you see in yourself that is making the pattern you are trying to break so difficult to alter. After all, it’s not as if your partner doesn’t see your behavior! Next, listen to the overview your partner provides while NOT discounting it. Last, recap what you hear, ask for clarification when necessary, and then ask a lot of curiosity based questions

Emotions Can Seem Tricky Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT ©October 26, 2010 Like it or not, emotions, which can seem tricky, play a crucial role in the heat conflict. Here’s a way to deal with the way emotions can be confusing when you manage conflict. Anger seems to be the feeling most often expressed while under stress with our partners. So, consider this: If anger is the most frequently generated and expressed emotion during your conflicts, that anger may be a cover for other, unexpressed emotions, which, were they expressed, might help manage the conflict more effectively. The following graphic illustrates this: The tip of the triangle illustrates anger as the expressed emotion. Below our consciousness, represented by the horizontal line, lurk two other emotions—fear and hurt. In my experience, anger and hurt are almost always present in tandem. When anger is felt, there is a good chance that some hurt is also present but unconscious, and, therefore, not being expressed. Frequently, chronically angry people are feeling more hurt than they are anger, yet the hurt goes unexpressed, while the anger takes center stage. There are several possible reasons for this: One, the angry person has learned that anger keeps people at a more comfortable distance, even if the distance is not consciously desirable. Two, some individuals do not want others, perhaps their partner in particular, to know they feel hurt because one or both believe hurt is a sign of weakness; conversely, the belief is that anger is a badge of strength. Three, anger tends to leave some folks feeling energized and powerful. All in all, anger serves as a defense against hurt when hurt is left unexpressed no matter the reason. Commonly, angry people are also running scared, so fear occupies the other corner of the triangle. Whether hurt or fear, the anger defends against both. It is simply too risky, for what ever reason, to express either one. Now, rotate the triangle, and put one of the other two emotions at the top. It looks like the following: The tip of the triangle illustrates anger as the expressed emotion. Below our consciousness, represented by the horizontal line, lurk two other emotions—fear and hurt. In my experience, anger and hurt are almost always present in tandem. When anger is felt, there is a good chance that some hurt is also present but unconscious, and, therefore, not being expressed. Frequently, chronically angry people are feeling more hurt than they are anger, yet the hurt goes unexpressed, while the anger takes center stage. There are several possible reasons for this: One, the angry person has learned that anger keeps people at a more comfortable distance, even if the distance is not consciously desirable. Two, some individuals do not want others, perhaps their partner in particular, to know they feel hurt because one or both believe hurt is a sign of weakness; conversely, the belief is that anger is a badge of strength. Three, anger tends to leave some folks feeling energized and powerful. All in all, anger serves as a defense against hurt when hurt is left unexpressed no matter the reason. Commonly, angry people are also running scared, so fear occupies the other corner of the triangle. Whether hurt or fear, the anger defends against both. It is simply too risky, for what ever reason, to express either one. Now, rotate the triangle, and put one of the other two emotions at the top. It looks like the following: In this instance, fear provides an opportunity to defend against anger and hurt, for exactly the same reason: anger and hurt are unacceptable. Parking hurt and anger below conscious awareness makes an individual feel safer. These principles apply regardless which emotion is at the top of the triangle Bottom line is this: The more completely we express ourselves, the more likely we will be fully understood. And that is a good thing! Fine, you say, but now that I know this, so what? Start with this: Notice which triangle best fits you and your partner. You might each have different triangles. Next, take the time to check in with yourself when you express what you are feeling, and take a risk to express one or both of the feelings on either bottom corner of your triangle, assuming those feelings are lurking there. If you are equally likely to express all three emotions, good for you! While your partner is talking, listen for the possibility that, depending on which feeling is at the top of their triangle, one or the other emotion at the bottom corners is being left unsaid. Take a risk to say something like: “I can see that you are really angry (or, fill in the blank with the dominant feeling they are expressing) and I’m wondering if another part of you is also feeling hurt or afraid (or, fill in the blank with the feelings that best matches their triangle.)?” When partners are conscious of their, and their partner’s triangle, and change their responses because of that knowledge, emotional reactivity tends to reduce, greater mutual understanding occurs, and the gap between them decreases. Before you try it in real time, feel free to talk about it with your partner in a neutral moment. You will promote a safe emotional environment if you talk about YOUR triangle, and not your partner’s.

Like all great artists and masters of language, Mr. Cameron's genius opens up the deeper and sometimes hidden collective themes and truths of life. On the surface, "The Abyss" presents a good story filled with elements of mission, danger and risk. Basically the story is about a team of people on an undersea drilling rig who are asked by the military to salvage a wrecked submarine in the depths of the ocean. The incentive for the team's acceptance is money. They are beset by numerous catastrophes ; however, in the midst of these they encounter an advanced non human race of aquatic beings living in the deeper abyss. These translucent beautiful aliens can only be compared to the angelic.

The hero is played by Ed Harris and he is married to the heroine Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. In the midst of their heightened marital discord and disharmony, they must join forces for the sake of the mission. It seems an impossible task for them to transcend their anger and bitterness toward one another.

We are enthralled as the story becomes more complicated with the uncovering of an evil plot brought aboard by two of the military members.

The heroine is shunned by the team. Although she is clever and can run a ship, they see her as an arrogant and dominating woman who is far too self serving. She wears her intelligence and superior position as a threat to others. However, it is to this woman that the angelic beings first appear in the depths of her despair and helplessness.

The story takes us through chaos, the struggle between good and evil, the threat of nuclear war, the limits of humanity, pride and humility which finally lead to redemption.

The essential and core threads that create this marvelous tapestry are the moral choices made by the hero and heroine: the husband and wife. Initially we see the enraged husband take off his wedding band and throw it into the toilet only to turn back and retrieve what he has thrown away. As the story unfolds, he is the one who looks upon his unconscious apparently drowned wife and with determined passion brings her back to life.

It is the crisis that returns them to their original love through choices of forgiveness and sacrifice. We witness the vulnerability and tears of the real heroine underneath her armour after her encounter with death and her rescue by her husband. When at the crescendo of the film the hero is as well at death's door, he is saved by the gentle graceful alien of the seas.

She communicates to him an eternal truth which he embraces and which indeed makes him a hero. It is in the simple acts of forgiveness to our spouse and as well the moral choices that we make for the good of the other that set us free.

Each time we forgive the other and each time we look to others before ourselves, we become heroes of our own lives.

"Only the weak hang on to hatred and bitterness ... the strong ones forgive."   - Mahatma Gandhi

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad.

No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss.

Overcoming loss

A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time.

After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine.

You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out.  You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time?  What will it be like to be alone?  Will you ever find someone else, or even want to?

• Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling.
• Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it.
• Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses.
• Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them.

Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it.

Lessons learned

From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience.

To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup.

As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

 By Thomas Wright, M. Th.

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IS OUR MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE?

Couples often drift into trouble without noticing any crises or turning points in their relationship. People don’t like to admit there’s anything wrong in their lives so they keep most unpleasant aspects of their situation hidden from their awareness. It’s often easier to recognize the warning signs in other people’s relationships than in their own.

The most important sign that your relationship is in trouble is avoidance.  Do you find yourself avoiding real conversation with your partner? Have you noticed less eye contact when you are together? Does your partner seem preoccupied or irritable much of the time? Are most conversations about the kids or work and never about feelings? Have you stopped talking about your plans and dreams? Another important clue is the feeling of loneliness.

Symptoms of loneliness may include anxiety, depression, changes in sleeping habits, changes in eating habits, headaches, or muscle tension.  Sooner or later people begin to feel lonesome for a part of them they’ve suppressed in order to keep peace. Once you believe you can’t be yourself around your partner, your relationship is in trouble.

I find that people too quickly decide to suppress certain aspects of their personalities out of fear that they will be rejected if they enjoy those aspects. In other words, it’s too easy to blame others for your decision to squelch your spontaneity.

If you find that you’re more relaxed when you’re away from your partner, and you tense up when it’s time to go home, your relationship is in trouble.

These trouble signs aren’t necessarily signs of impending disaster. You should, however, treat them as wake-up calls.  Give them your attention before you drift too far apart to find your way back.

 By Thomas Wright, M. Th.

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WHAT ARE THE PHASES MARRIAGES GO THROUGH?

Marriages that last go through five different phases. Some marriages never last long enough to experience all of them and some marriages get bogged down in the middle end never mature.

Marriage is a developmental process. The first phase is romance. Romance is characterized by fantasy. You are not yet deeply acquainted with your spouse so you get to imagine them as you wish them to be. Each is putting his best foot forward to avoid discovery and disappointment.

The second phase is disillusionment. This occurs as you begin to discover that the real live human being sitting across from, you at the table is not exactly what you had imagined. Often a feeling of disappointment accompanies the displacement of hope and fantasy with reality.

At this point people usually settle in and try to improve things by working hard at being nice and accepting the things about their mate that disappoint or irritate them. Unfortunately, the harder you try, the worse you feel This leads to despair, which is the third phase of marriage.

The reason things get worse is that trying is lying, and closeness requires honesty. A crisis point is often reached in this phase. There are three ways to respond to this crisis; bail out through separation or divorce, settle in for a life of quiet desperation, or accept the challenge and work for growth.

The fourth phase, for those who accept the challenge is growth. This is a somewhat frightening process of ups and downs characterized by pain—gain experiences. Honest self—disclosure often leads to painful discoveries and readjustments. There seems to be a relationship between the amount of pain you are willing to experience in this process and the amount of gain you can expect in terms of a strong intimate relationship.

The fifth phase is maturing love. This kind of love is both joyful and sad. Mature love is love without innocence, love with a memory of the struggle. Couples who have been willing to go the distance can say, ‘There is someone who knows me through and through and loves me still.” This is what marriage is all about, isn’t it?