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A couple of months ago, our neighbor knocked on the door of apartment 24. She had never done so before, so she had no idea who would answer it. That person happened to be me. She quietly sighed with relief – probably thankful that I was not a grumpy scrooge in a shabby robe that had just been awoken by a total stranger on a Saturday morning. Then she sheepishly asked, “Do you happen to have a plunger that I can borrow? We just moved in, and our toilet is clogged.” “Of course,” I replied. “Just wait here, and I’ll be right back.” She smiled as she thanked me and quickly turned towards the hallway to walk back to her front door. About half an hour later, she came back, returned the plunger, and we said goodbye. You might think that I was being polite. But I didn’t even bother to ask what her name was. In fact, I didn’t even know that she was new to the building. After I closed the apartment door, I closed the door on an opportunity to make a new acquaintance. Perhaps it was my fault. And perhaps it was also characteristic of 21st-century urban society. I can’t help but wonder what our brief encounter would have been like if we were of a different time period, of a different generation. I recall the day my Grandma welcomed her new neighbors into their cul-de-sac. She spent the whole afternoon baking chocolate chip cookies. Then, we left her kitchen and walked across the street together. We rung her neighbors’ doorbell and greeted them with a basket of freshly baked cookies. Grandma’s warmhearted welcoming felt so natural and charming – not distant and reserved. And now I wonder whether something has been lost somewhere between Grandma’s generation and mine. She carries with her a certain level of finesse, etiquette, and propriety that I wish I possessed. Emily Post: The Face of American Etiquette in the 1920s Emily Post, a famous American writer on etiquette, explained that etiquette is something that can be developed by all, regardless of one’s background or socio-economic status.[1] Etiquette, she wrote, involves both ethics and good manners. Her writings pay a great deal of attention to the importance of considering the well being of others. Though in many ways Emily Post’s notions of etiquette might be a bit outdated – and even awkward – for modern day interactions, there is something to be learned from the social graces of the Roaring Twenties. Young girls in finishing schools devoured her books on how to conduct oneself in a multitude of scenarios, and many of these lessons still apply to the 21st century. A young lady would greet an elderly lady in the hallway with a “How do you do, Mrs. Jones?” A gentleman would offer his arm to an ill person if he saw that they were having trouble walking. Customers would speak politely to salespeople – it would be considered a sign of ill breeding and selfishness to do otherwise. Guests at a dinner party would not take more than their share of food at the table. Pedestrians would not litter the streets with their garbage. And we would greet our new neighbors with a friendly introduction, a greeting card, and a small gift. A Forgotten Art: The Art of Conversation In 2009, Catherine Blyth published a book, The Art of Conversation, which reiterates some of the consequences of our gradual loss of social graces.[2] In it she explains that we are losing our appreciation for conversation, face-to-face dialogues, and the delight of striking up a spontaneous conversation with a total stranger. What strikes me most is that conversation is not merely a tool, a duty, or an obligation – it is a pleasure, something that adds value to our lives. Talking with someone else, even if just for a couple of minutes with a stranger, can be an enriching experience. Is our society afraid of conversation? Is exchanging names with a new neighbor considered intrusive? Should it not be a sign of friendliness? Are we too busy to help that elderly lady cross the street or to hold the door for a stranger? Bad Manners and Social Anxiety Unfortunately, our lack of social graces can negatively affect the well being of others. When we are rude, short, or temperamental with others, we do not consider how our actions affect those around us. Unfortunately, our gradual loss of social graces has the potential to harm others, sometimes encouraging or reinforcing the development of social anxiety. Broadly speaking, social anxiety involves feelings of discomfort or worries that stem from social interactions.[3] A good friend of mine struggles with social anxiety. Earlier this year, she recounted a disastrous family gathering where a relative was deliberately rude to her. She came home not only feeling hurt, but even more anxious about social interactions than before. Bad manners and bad behavior are inexcusable and can have a lasting impact on society. May we all do our part in improving our manners - not only as a sign of finesse, but also as an ethical consideration for the well-being of others. Though we no longer live in the 1920s, we can still strive to be a friendly, charming, and well-mannered people. If you struggle with social anxiety or panic attacks, there are therapists who can help you. Mental health practitioners want you to feel valued and want you to develop meaningful relationships with others. Together with a therapist you can work through the causes of your anxiety and learn coping tools to help you function with less stress and more joy. [1] Post, Emily. 2007. First published in 1922. Etiquette: In Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home. New York: Cosimo. [2] Blyth, C. 2008. The Art of Conversation. New York: Penguin. [3] Jacobs, A., and Antony, M. 2008. Social Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia. Social Anxiety Support. [online] Available at: <http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/disorder/#what> [Accessed on 1 September 2013].

Raising kids can be challenging for any parent at times, but being a single parent brings some unique challenges to the equation. In addition to the stress and heartache that a separation of any kind can cause, single parents are limited to a single income potential, and have less time to spend with their kids, as well as all the same responsibilities that come with a 2 parent household. Add to that the social stigma that often surrounds the single parent and you have an emotional burden that can be overwhelming. Not Alone Single parents are no longer the minority in our world. The U.S. Census Bureau table, “America’s Families and Living Arrangements for 2012,” reports that 26% of children are raised in single parent homes. If you look at the same statistics over the last several years, it is clear that the trend is on the way up. Single parents are not alone, but for the individual living a life of stress every day with no break, it can feel that there is no support. Juggling a job, children, schools, household chores, the finances, and all the things that go along with all those, without the help of a partner every day can be more than just a hectic life. Single Parent Struggles Research has shown that single mothers are more likely to suffer from poor mental health than partnered mothers, and the factors that most greatly affect single mother mental health are financial hardship, and a perceived lack of support.[1] In the study, 45% of single mothers experienced depression, anxiety, or substance use disorder in the previous year, compared to 23.6% of partnered mothers. In the study, all the factors believed to contribute to the mental health concerns were examined such as financial hardship, unemployment, lack of social support, the responsibility of caring for children, consequences of a family break-up, trauma such as abuse, childhood adversity, and socio-economic disadvantage. Of the factors studied, financial hardship, social support, household income, and socio-demographics accounted for 94% of the association between single mothers and poor mental health.[2] Did you get that; making ends meet and support are the most important factors for the mental wellness of single parents. I would bet all the single parents out there can concur. It makes sense, right? It is not just single mothers; there is an increasing amount of single fathers each year. Single fathers in 2012 consisted of 16% of all single parents, 9% were raising 3 or more children under the age of 18, and of those, 42% had a family income of $50,000 or more annually.[3] That means that 58% made less than $50,000 per year. One of the most important factors in being emotionally healthy is the ability to provide for your family. Single parents have a harder time with this in many cases. Some parents must work two jobs to make ends meet, which not only takes time from their family, but can wear on the physical health as well. The parent has to choose between wearing themselves out to provide, and being there for their family. Food, a basic need, can be a source of stress for anyone who is not earning enough to support their family. The prevalence of mental health illness among Canadian adults with poor food quality was 24%, and 25% for those who did not have enough food, with an even higher rate for single parents.[4] Single parents also have to deal with the stigma of being a single parent, while worrying about their children’s’ well-being. Many studies over the years have correlated single parenting with an increase in children’s mental disabilities, as well as unruly kids. Recent research suggests that single parent families are no indicator of a child’s future well-being, but family climate and well-being is significantly related.[5] So the quality of mom or dad being there is very important to the child’s well-being. This means that parents need to take care of themselves in order to provide the emotional support their kids need. Aside from depression and anxiety, lone parents have an increased prevalence of suicidal thoughts.[6] All of these factors emphasis the need for single parents to place themselves in an environment of support. Therapy is a valuable tool for many single parents, and their children. The Therapist is Not the Missing Parent One of the challenges of seeing a therapist for single parents is that the family looks to the therapist to take a position that would represent the missing parent.[7] Often times the members of the family look to the therapist to take on a position of authority, or experience to resolve their problems. For instance, if a single mother is hoping to gain respect, or discipline from the children, she may hope for the therapist to take a disciplinary role with the children. It is not the place of the therapist to think of the mother as a victim, or label the other members of the family. The environment of therapy is non-judgmental. The therapist will be able to reconnect the family with its own resources and a social support system. While being a single parent may be the most difficult thing you will ever do, it is not hopeless. There are resources to help you, and therapy can give you insight into some of those resources. If you would like to read more about divorce, check out this link. https://www.theravive.com/services/divorce-help.htm [1] Crosier, T., Butterworth, P., & Rodgers, B. (2007). Mental health problems among single and partnered mothers. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 42(1), 6-13. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s00127-006-0125-4 [2] Ibid. [3] One-parent Unmarried Family Groups With Own Children Under 18, By Marital Status Of The Reference Person: 2012 (FG6). (2012). Retrieved from U.S. Census Bureau website: http://www.census.gov/hhes/families/data/cps2012.html [4] Mental health; findings from university of british columbia update understanding of mental health. (2013). Food Weekly News, , 167. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1356048090?accountid=3358 [5] Phillips, T. (2012). The Influence of Family Structure Vs. Family Climate on Adolescent Well-Being. Child & Adolescent Social Work Journal, 29(2), 103-110. doi:10.1007/s10560-012-0254-4 [6] Psychiatry; study findings on psychiatry are outlined in reports from science institute. (2013). Mental Health Weekly Digest, , 101. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1415811419?accountid=3358 [7] Rober, P. (2010). The Single-Parent Family and the Family Therapist: About Invitations and Positioning. Australian & New Zealand Journal Of Family Therapy, 31(3), 221-231.

You walked the stage on the day of your high school graduation. But will you do it this time around? Though many bright-eyed university students walk onto campus filled with hopes dreams, not all of them leave with a degree. The university dropout rate is 16% in Canada.[1] In the United States, the situation is even worse: a mere 53% of American students actually walk the stage.[2] There are many challenges that make university life difficult, as outlined in Back to School Series: Are you Ready? Unfortunately for some, the academic challenges of university education simply become too overwhelming. Manage Your Time to Manage Your Stress A major obstacle to high scholastic achievement is poor time management. Personally, this was a lesson I had to learn firsthand during my first final exam. I had paid attention in lectures and done most of the readings, but I had not sufficiently prepared myself in the weeks and months leading up to the exam. So, at 1am on the eve of my assessment, I called my parents only to sob on the other end in utter fear of failing. I hardly slept that night. The next day, I dragged myself out of bed and walked down to the examination hall with one eye twitching from lack of sleep. I sat down in a room with hundreds of worried students, and then hurriedly scribbled my answer to the first question. Those three hours were grueling, and all I could think was: “I wish I had studied harder.” Thankfully, I decided that I did not enjoy the end result of my deliberate procrastination. Poor time management had made me into a tired, grumpy, and malfunctioning zombie with hazy thoughts and poor retention skills. After that stressful episode, I turned for help by setting up an appointment with an academic counselor. I also attended a variety of free sessions on how to time manage, study effectively, and manage stress. Combined, they improved my study habits in a way that was tailored to my personality, including my strengths and weaknesses as a student. Thankfully, you do not have to subject yourself to the same level of anxiety and stress that I experienced. Procrastination: The Road to Anxiety According to Palmer and Puri, there is a relationship between the passing of time and your level of stress or anxiety.[3] The closer you are to a deadline for an assignment or the day of an exam, the more likely you are to feel stressed. It follows that the earlier you begin working on an assignment or studying for an exam, the less stressed you will feel and the better you will be able to focus. As soon as you get your course syllabus, draft a study plan that covers all of the readings, assignments, and exams that you will have during the upcoming academic year. Academic Counseling Even better, revise your study plan with an academic counselor – and do not procrastinate on this one. He or she likely has a good understanding of which courses will be more demanding. This can help you achieve a balanced work distribution. Your academic counselor can also help you understand how to study for each course. For instance, a course in history will likely require a heavy amount of readings, while a course in mathematics will probably involve a great deal of practical exercises. These different focuses require different study skills. If you understand what is expected of you, you will also know how to balance your study time and free time. But if you procrastinate, you will probably end up having loads of free time for months and then a combination of stress headaches, cold sweats, and stressful all-nighters at the library - not a great way to end the year. Eat a Frog for Breakfast One of the best words of wisdom I received from my academic counselor was to “eat a frog for breakfast.” The meaning of this saying is twofold. Firstly, do not procrastinate your most challenging work; do your most difficult studying first and then turn your focus to easier tasks or courses. Secondly, work hard and then enjoy your free time – not the other way around. You can only be productive if you eliminate distractions, as argued by Forsyth.[4] To perform well, you need to focus. And this will likely involve studying in an environment – be it a library, a café, a park, among others – where you are not distracted by your fun and gregarious roommate, where you won’t waste your time watching the latest episode of your favourite TV show, and where you won’t be tempted to throw everything aside for a night out with your friends. Learn what your distractions are, as well as when to avoid them and when to enjoy them. Perfectionism Isn’t Perfect Another tendency for some students is to try to do everything perfectly. But this can also become an obstacle to proper time management.[5] Ask your professor or teaching assistant what you need to do to achieve high marks on your exam or assignment. You do not need to read every word of Plato’s The Republic if there will only be one question on the topic. You also do not need to discover the cure for cancer prior to your biology exam. Be reasonable with the amount of time that you devote to each assignment or to studying. You will then discover that you can actually enjoy your Friday night off. Your professors do not expect you to become the next Shakespeare or the next Einstein. You can aim high without going overboard. Time is Not Your Enemy University can be a challenging phase for many students. But you do not need to let poor time management get in the way of a brilliant academic career. Manage your time, and you will find the time to both succeed academically and delight in all the excitement of university life. And if you’re not sure how to plan your studying, then take the time to meet your academic counselor. [1] Postsecondary Status of Young Adults. 2005. Statistics Canada. [online] Available at: <http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/81-595-m/2008070/t/6000011-eng.htm> [2] Porter, E. 2013. Dropping out of college, and paying the price. The New York Times. [online] Available at: <http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/26/business/economy/dropping-out-of-college-and-paying-the-price.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0> [3] Palmer, S., and Puri, A. 2006. Coping with Stress at University: A Survival Guide. London: SAGE Publications. [4] Forsyth, P. 2013. Successful Time Management. London: Kogan. [5] Ibid.

Back to School Series: There goes your child…. And most of your heart We notice it on that first day of kindergarten, or the first time our kids ride their bike out of our sight, or want to walk to a friend’s house. That sense of pride, and joy mixed with a crushing sense of fear and loss, as we watch our children grow, and experience the normal independence that will eventually bring them to adulthood. Often times, we think of our fears when we consider our reaction to our children growing up. The world can be a scary place to entrust our children. According to a GALLUP poll, 33% of U.S. parents with children in kindergarten through 12th grade fear for their child’s safety, and 52% think it is likely that a school shooting could occur in their area. [1] The Loss Side of Letting Go However, we don’t often acknowledge the loss we feel as part of letting go of our kids. We start to feel the loss side of letting go as our children head into adolescence. As our kids display a desire to separate from us, and we see them becoming more alien to us, we start to admit to ourselves that we are losing them. Understanding what is taking place in our kids can help us to let go more effectively, and help our kids through the transition from child to adult. The Teen First we should define this period when we start to feel that we are losing our kids. Every child is different, but most develop and experience a variation of the same stages during adolescence. Adolescence is approximately ages 11 – 21, and is commonly recognized as 3 stages in development.[2] Early adolescence, ages 11-13, begins the period when a child struggles with their sense of identity. They may feel awkward, moody, and revert to childish behaviors. They are realizing that the parents they have idolized are only human, and conflict tends to arise. This is the time when they will test the limits of parent rules. This is a time when their thinking becomes more abstract, and the interests become more about moral things. They feel peer pressure, have a greater need for their privacy, and want more independence. With the shift from their childhood identity to adolescence, parents may feel a loss of companionship. Their little boy or girl is no longer little, and has a new way of looking at themselves. Parents may feel the conflict creating stress in the home, and that their child is losing their respect. Middle adolescence, ages 14-18, brings with it a greater sense of self. While the teen is still feeling the changes of identity, they are better able to reason, set goals, and begin to think of life in terms of their purpose and the larger picture, and they become passionate about their beliefs. They will distance themselves from parents, while integrating friendships into their lives in a deeper capacity. They may fall in love. This is a time when they will fight for causes, and justice. It is during middle adolescence that parents will feel a loss of communication. The new freedoms that come with age can make parents aware that they cannot protect their child from the dangers of the world. Driving, dating, obtaining employment, or the thought of heading off to college are reminders that the child is becoming an adult. The dynamics of the relationship are changing, and the parent may feel stuck between the responsibility to protect their child from the child’s lack of life experience, and the realization that they must let their child make mistakes on their own. Late adolescence, age 19-21, is the final stage of adolescence. This is the period when the young men and women become emotionally more stable, have developed a sense of identity, and a concern for their future, and others. They can think situations through, and are no longer run by instant gratification. They can examine their internal processes, and can be self-reliant, and aware. While peers are still important to them, they see the value in the family traditions and develop more serious relationships. In this final stage of adolescence, parents experience the “empty nest.” As young adults head off to college, or move into their own environments, parents may feel as deep sense of loss. They feel the sense of responsibility has transferred from them to their child. They may feel depressed or obsolete. It is Physical It is not that our kids hate us, or that we are ruining them. Changes in the brain through adolescence are incredibly vast. Aside from the capacity for intellectual power greater than any other time in a human’s life, they are experiencing changes in hormonal chemicals that interfere with stress, as well as behavior. Their circuitry for emotional response is changing, and research as also shown that inadequate sleep can be responsible for many of the behavioral, and emotional attributes of adolescents.[3] Understanding that these changes are chemical gives us some power to cope with the emotions we see in kids. There Is No Manual, But There is Help Our kids don’t come with the proverbial owner’s manual, but we can gain knowledge from the experience and expertise of others. If at any point in your child’s life, you struggle with letting go, there is help available. You are not alone. Many people can benefit from counseling when navigating the delicate balance between keeping our children safe, and letting go enough for them to grow into the happy, healthy people they are becoming. Letting go is not always as easy to define as a set of circumstances for an age group. Sometimes the fear of letting our young children be independent can be overwhelming. A counselor can help navigate the journey. You can read more about therapy here. [1] "Parents' Fear for Children's Safety at School Rises Slightly." Gallup.Com - Daily News, Polls, Public Opinion on Politics, Economy, Wellbeing, and World. N.p., 28 Dec.2012. Web. 4 Aug. 2013. [2] Stages of Adolescent Development. (2008). Retrieved from http://www.ehsnrc.org/Publications/English%20Tip%20Sheets/TIP%20SHEET%2034_addendum.pdf [3] NIMH · The Teen Brain: Still Under Construction. (2011). Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-still-under-construction/index.shtml

Learning to speak another language takes time and effort, but the benefits outweigh the costs. A new language can grant you access to a new culture, open your mind to fascinating literature, allow you to explore a faraway city, and view the world from a different perspective. By learning Portuguese, you can learn to dance to Bossa Nova like an authentic Brazilian. By learning German, you can let your heart be moved by Mozart’s Singspiele. By learning French, you can read through first editions of Rousseau’s political theories. By learning Japanese, you can learn how to make authentic sushi. With more than 6,000 languages to choose from, your options are endless. Studying a foreign language not only enriches the quality of your life; it also improves the quality of your brain. Enhance Your Cognitive Skills In today’s competitive job market, it is essential to maximize your brainpower. Not only is speaking a second language often an advantage in the marketplace, but it can also improve the quality of your thinking. A study conducted at the University of Kentucky College of Medicine revealed that bilingual individuals could multitask faster than those who were monolingual.[1] Moreover, MRI scans showed that bilinguals used their brainpower more effectively. This research involved senior citizens, thereby showing that bilingualism has long-term benefits. By actively switching between languages throughout their lives, bilinguals tend to develop better cognitive flexibility. Researchers have also found that children in multilingual schools tend to perform better academically.[2] They even demonstrate a greater ease when studying music and math – both of which involve a new way of thinking, a new language For therapists, this means that learning a second language can actually improve your ability to think through complex psychological issues. Increase Your Sympathy According to Lynch, multilingual children tend to display social sympathy before monolingual children.[2] This is because multilingual children come to understand differences in perspective faster. They learn that their Italian-speaking friend might see the world differently than their Spanish-speaking friend, because they recognize differences in communication and culture. Moreover, multilingual children learn early on that they are not at the center of the world; rather, they are part of a complex society embedded with a multitude of tongues, expressions, dialects, cultural norms, and habits. When dealing with mental health issues, therapists need to sympathize with others, to be attentive listeners, and to try to understand where another person is coming from. The words someone chooses to tell his or her story are rich with meaning; they can help reveal his or her thought patterns, cultural heritage, and understanding of life. We all have unique personal stories, and it is often a challenge to communicate our past and present to another person, especially to a complete stranger. As such, therapy sessions should provide an open space that allows a client to express himself or herself fully. Therapy should give birth to a constructive dialogue that helps a client in a profound way, so that they can face the challenges that lay before them. Engage with the 21st Century Only 1 in 5 American students between Kindergarten and grade 12 study a second language at school.[3] However, it has become increasingly important to learn a language other than English. So, which language should you learn? Below are three suggestions, but by no means are they the only languages to consider learning. French French is the official language of 29 countries around the world, including, for instance, France, Canada, Switzerland, Senegal, Monaco, Luxembourg, Burundi, among many others. It is also the official language of the United Nations.[4] Especially for Canadian therapists, the French language can grant you access to a whole new demographic. Spanish For American therapists, Spanish is a highly beneficial language to learn, especially for those who work in New Mexico, Texas, and California. Health professionals and social workers are often encouraged to learn Spanish, as it allows them to communicate with Spanish-speaking patients and clients[5]. Worldwide, there are 322 million people who speak Spanish. It is also the official language of 21 countries, such as Chile, Colombia, Argentina, Spain, Panama, Peru, and Mexico. Chinese Mandarin Chinese Mandarin ranks first as the most spoken language, with 837 million speakers worldwide. Though it is only the official language of three countries – China, Singapore, and Taiwan – it is spoken in cities across the globe. After English, Chinese is considered to be the most useful language for business.[6] Learn a Language, Build Your Practice Learning a second language is an enriching experience. And for a therapist, it can be a wise way to expand your practice. Consider the benefits of offering counseling in more than one language. As our world becomes increasingly globalized, multicultural, and multilingual, take advantage of the opportunity to immerse yourself in a new way of thinking, a new way of communicating, and a new way of doing therapy. [1] Bates, C. January 9, 2013. Très bien! Speaking two languages from childhood keeps brain in good shape as we age. [online] Available at: <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2259469/Speaking-languages-childhood-keeps-brain-good-shape-age.html> [2] Kluger, J. April 23, 2013. Understanding How the Brain Speaks Two Languages. Time. [online] Available at: < http://healthland.time.com/2013/04/23/bilingualism/> [3] 21st Century Skills Map. Partnership for 21st Century Skills. [online] Available at: < http://www.p21.org/storage/documents/Skills%20Map/p21_worldlanguagesmap.pdf> [4] 2013. Want to Learn a Language? Here Are the Top 5 Choices. College Stats. [online] Available at: <http://collegestats.org/articles/2013/04/want-to-learn-a-language-here-are-the-top-5-choices> [5] Crouse, D. 2013. Languages for Specific Purposes in the 21st Century. [online] Available at: < http://www.actfl.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/TLE_pdf/TLE_Apr13_Article.pdf> [6] Lauerman, J. August 30, 2011. Mandarin Chinese Most Useful Business Language After English. Bloomberg. [online] Available at: <http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-30/mandarin-chinese-most-useful-business-language-after-english-1-.html>

In a matter of minutes, an entire community can be devastated by forces they cannot control. Whether it is natural or manmade, disasters are traumatic, and nearly everyone who experiences this kind of stress will need help coping with what they have experienced. Traumatic Stress Different types of natural disasters present different stress varying by how close the person is to the event. In some cases people will have trauma from loss, while others may feel guilt because they survived. Females tend to be more susceptible to trauma, but children and the elderly are the most susceptible to serious trauma. In all causes, the experience is an unexpected perceived brush with death. Hurricanes- While hurricanes come with some warning, they also present stress in the wait to see if or where it will strike. This gives some preparation time, and time to gather things that are important, but extreme weather conditions such as thunder, lightning, rain and wind trigger panic reactions. People are left exhausted, and may suffer survivor guilt, and loss, in addition to injury. Earthquake- Earthquakes are unpredictable, and do not have a defined end due to aftershocks. Lack of control combined with the fear of another quake can cause a person to have a heightened sense of fear. Sights and smells keep the person in a constant reminder state. Tornado- Tornadoes give little to no time to prepare. For those who take refuge, not knowing what is happening, while hearing the sounds of destruction around them with no control over their situation is terrifying. Confusion is common. Destruction, sights and smells linger long after. In addition to loss, survivors may feel survivor guilt. Flood- With floods come desolation of land. A sense that the earth is one thing that is stable is lost. Smell of wet, cold, mud and seeing the devastation of landscapes as well as infrastructure leaves an unstable feeling. Floods do not recede quickly, and cleanup may take a long time, creating exhaustion. Wildfires- While fires often come with some warning, wind can change the course, and so many are unsure during the wait. Fire does not just ruin things, or remove them, it consumes them. Entire neighborhoods and communities can turn to ash, leaving people misplaced and vulnerable. [1] Violence- Manmade disasters are unexpected, unfamiliar, and uncontrollable. For those who experience violence at the hands of another human being, trust in others can be lost, leaving them feeling unsafe, vulnerable, and often times, angry with a feeling that it should have been prevented. People may experience nightmares, and be reminded of their grief by seeing upsetting images, and experience upsetting thoughts for some time. Consequences of Traumatic Stress It is important for those who have experienced traumatic stress to understand that some of the feelings they experience are normal, and expected. The time it takes to see resilience will vary with the individual. Some common responses to traumatic stress may include: Uncertainty- Mental and physical exhaustion, shock, disbelief, fear, helplessness, feeling a lack of control, loss of property, loved one, mementos, and income may result in feeling lost or numb. Pre-existing stresses resurface, or seem larger. Anniversaries of traumatic events may trigger the same feelings. Anger at God or others that the survivor may feel were responsible may also cause guilt. Physical- Responses such as headaches, nausea, chest pain, and sleeplessness are common. Relationship changes- Relations become tense, routines disrupted, and fear in losing loved ones may cause clinging in children, and tension in adults. Children may not fully understand what happened, and are put in a more responsible role. With their parents upset, children may feel they are still not safe. Children may feel lack of attention due to attention being placed on clean-up/repair. Parents may feel protective of their children and how they are processing the event. Teens may revert to younger behavior. Older people, who may suffer from previous health concerns, or have trouble hearing or seeing, may feel incompetent or a burden to the situation. Work- Increased stress and disruptions in routines results in fatigue, inattention, conflict with others, reduced time available, reduced wages. Financial- Destruction will change the standard of living. Unpaid bills may cause frustration and seeking financial assistance can add more stress. The financial burden for someone who was financially secure prior to the event will be less than for someone who was already burdened prior to the event. First responders- While working long hours under intense stress over time, first responders witness human harm, and destruction. They may have their own injuries, depression, and PTSD. [2] Resilience factors Social support- Those who have communication and a culture of understanding tend to move more quickly toward emotional resilience. Coping confidence- Sometimes knowing you will be ok, and that you can do it makes it easier to cope. Hope- Looking at a positive future, and being able to see better things to come can make an impact on how the future will be for the survivor, and how quickly they feel better. Therapy focuses on the resilience factors for those who feel overwhelmed by traumatic stress. ________________________________________________________________ [1] Lazarus, P. J., & Jimerson, S. R., Brock, S. E. (2002). Natural Disasters. In S. E. Brock, P. J. Lazarus, & S. R. Jimerson (Eds.), Best Practices in School Crisis Prevention and Intervention (pp. 435-450), Bethesda, MD: National Association of School Psychologists and other crisis information posted on the NASP website at www.nasponline.org. [2] "Coping With a Traumatic Event." Emergency Preparedness and Response. CDC, 12 June 2003. Web. 06 July 2013

Networking has a new meaning in today's job market... The Past In the past, some of the best insight into whether a person would be a good fit for a company has been personal interviews, positive personal references, IQ tests, and personality testing. In our technologically changing world, there are new ways to gather this sort of information. Social networking, data-mining, and even games and videos can be used to collect information about how people deal with various situations, how they multi-task, and even, to some degree, intelligence. [1] The Present The most popular vehicle for employers to seek insight into a candidate has been the professional networking site, LinkedIn. According to an article written by Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic and Christopher Steinmetz, LinkedIn offers the professional the personal reference through its use of the “Endorsements” feature. An employer looking for a candidate can now see the resume, and references, as well as interests before making contact with the candidate. This saves time in the hiring process. A 2012 study by psychologists Jamie Guillory and Jeffery Hancock at Cornell University found that public resumes on LinkedIn foster more honesty with regard to work experience than the tradition paper resume, because it is public, and can more easily be called to question by family and friends. However, interests or hobbies that are not known as objectively were not as honest. In addition to LinkedIn, there are several other ways an employer can seek information about a person. Looking at blogs, Facebook, and Twitter give a glimpse into a person’s character and interests, but can also create a bias based on looks, or interests that would not matter in the work environment, and would not come up in a face to face interview. The Future? New technology could take the social networking we currently use even further with data mining. Data mining is software used to derive insight to make evidenced-based decisions. Companies such as TweetPsych and YouAreWhatYouLike use Twitter and Facebook to create a personality profile for an individual based on the individual’s activity on those social networks with amazing accuracy. Psychologist Michal Kosinski of the University of Cambridge published an analysis suggesting that the accuracy is greater than 75% for predicting gender, sexual orientation, religion, and political preference. While the percentage is lower for personality traits and intelligence, it is still significantly accurate in estimating IQ and personality. [2] Another tool for networking is a video offered by companies like EnRecruit and Spark Hire, which asks candidates questions on video, and employers can evaluate their responses in private. This offers a time savings, and a standardized interviewing process. Additionally, gaming can also predict character traits through situational behavior. This engaging innovation allows a candidate to play a game that analyses their choices and categorizes job skills and personality traits. The company, Knack, bases personality profiles on research from behavioral scientists who have mapped certain responses in the game with job skills. As an example, the game “Wasabi Waiter” can measure many skills such as the ability to multi-task, and remember details. Reckitt Benckiser, a multinational consumer goods company, uses the game “Insanely Driven” to profile personality. Players must handle tough situations in a race that measures personality, ambition, sensitivity, and prudence. This game bases assessment on the five-factor model Hogan Personality Inventory. L’Oreal uses the game “Reveal” for its cosmetics company. This game is used to discover people based on the qualities such as Risk taking, analytical skills, and more. Additionally, there are databases that can assess what people are saying about an individual. These sites like Topsy and Klout can be used to see an individual’s influence on the world. Can This Innovation Shape the Job Market? There are pros and cons to all of this new technology. On one hand, employers can save time scheduling, and sifting through papers to find the perfect fit for their company. Candidates can avoid some of the anxiety of interviews, and loss of self-esteem from rejections. It streamlines the process of hiring, while making it a bit more evidence based. On the other hand, it also requires a loss of privacy for the person looking for a job. Companies would need access to the information that is normally private or protected by password. Another problem with the new technology is that people are not willing to give up that privacy in an age so tight on security. It also tends to limit the human contact even further than we have already in our gadget run world. Whether a job seeker wants to use the old resume and cover letter, or cutting edge new networking innovations, a career counselor can help research the best career match, based on a person’s individual qualities, and skills, as well as aid in finding the right tools for the job search in our ever changing job market. ________________________________________________________________ [1] Chamorro-Premuzic, Tomas, and Christopher Steinmetz. "The Perfect Hire." Scientific American Mind July-Aug. 2013: 43-47. [2] Kosinski, Michael, David Stillwell, and Thore Graepel. "Private Traits and Attributes Are Predictable from Digital Records of Human Behavior." Private Traits and Attributes Are Predictable from Digital Records of Human Behavior. PNAS, 11 Mar. 2013. Web. 06 July 2013.

Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

If your child experiences and suffers with anxiety, it is not only hard for them, but hard for you t [More]