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Great chemistry, communication, and trust are at the top of the list when it comes to having a succe [More]

Directed by Canadian Film Maker Mr.James Cameron Like all great artists and masters of language, Mr. Cameron's genius opens up the deeper and sometimes hidden collective themes and truths of life. On the surface, "The Abyss" presents a good story filled with elements of mission, danger and risk. Basically the story is about a team of people on an undersea drilling rig who are asked by the military to salvage a wrecked submarine in the depths of the ocean. The incentive for the team's acceptance is money. They are beset by numerous catastrophes; however, in the midst of these they encounter an advanced non human race of aquatic beings living in the deeper abyss. These translucent beautiful aliens can only be compared to the angelic. The hero is played by Ed Harris and he is married to the heroine Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. In the midst of their heightened marital discord and disharmony, they must join forces for the sake of the mission. It seems an impossible task for them to transcend their anger and bitterness toward one another. The Armour We Wear I was reminded of many underlying truths presented in and through this story. The personas we choose to develop at the early stages of our lives are usually quite strategic. These masks, or coverings, are usually linked with our basic needs to belong, to be loved, to be included and to feel a sense of self worth. Appearances and what one displays to the world, may hide that which is hidden in the depths of one’s being. In the abyss of one’s heart and soul there may be such caged pain, bitterness, resentment and anger. If the basic needs to feel a sense of self confidence and self worth have been compromised during the developmental stages of one’s life, then pain sets in. This affect may be too difficult to handle and a primal reaction is released. Skins or walls are grown around the pain so one does not have to feel insignificant. As I watched the heroine, I was reminded how we, as humans, all have a common ground. However unique we are, we all share this truth: the basic need to be regarded with dignity and respect. The challenge of true growth is often thrown at us in unexpected and vicarious ways. It is very often that in the midst of a crisis, loss and earth shattering experience that our walls crumble, armour falls and skins are shed. We are enthralled... as the story becomes more complicated with the uncovering of an evil plot brought aboard by two of the military members. The heroine is shunned by the team. Although she is clever and can run a ship, they see her as an arrogant and dominating woman who is far too self serving. She wears her intelligence and superior position as a threat to others. However, it is to this woman that the angelic beings first appear in the depths of her despair and helplessness. The story takes us through chaos, the struggle between good and evil, the threat of nuclear war, the limits of humanity, pride and humility which finally lead to redemption. The essential and core threads that create this marvellous tapestry are the moral choices made by the hero and heroine: the husband and wife. Initially we see the enraged husband take off his wedding band and throw it into the toilet only to turn back and retrieve what he has thrown away. As the story unfolds, he is the one who looks upon his unconscious apparently drowned wife and with determined passion brings her back to life. It is the crisis that returns them to their original love through choices of forgiveness and sacrifice. We witness the vulnerability and tears of the real heroine underneath her armour after her encounter with death and her rescue by her husband. When at the crescendo of the film the hero is as well at death's door, he is saved by the gentle graceful alien of the seas. She communicates to him an eternal truth which he embraces and which indeed makes him a hero. It is in the simple acts of forgiveness to our spouse and as well the moral choices that we make for the good of the other that set us free. Each time we forgive the other and each time we look to others before ourselves, we become heroes of our own lives. "Only the weak hang on to hatred and bitterness ... the strong ones forgive." - Mahatma Gandhi

Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Once upon a time, a man and a woman would get married and have children. Together they would raise these children and watch them leave the nest. They would then retire and spend the rest of their lives in matching rockers. While this still does happen in the year 2012, it is not the norm anymore. With divorce rates soaring as high as they have ever been, step families are also classified as the norm. Even though this is a normal situation, there are challenges that a couple should think about before they say I Do again. Any marriage that begins with children from previous relationships can cause some challenging situations. Before a person with children should remarry, they should confront three main issues in order to ensure that all is as harmonious as possible. Finances and custody/living arrangements: The majority of people who are remarrying do not purchase a new home. Instead, they move into their new partner’s home. This may be good or bad depending on the couple and their situation. Personally, I would rather have a new home that is “ours” instead of living in his home which he once shared with his ex wife. It should also be taken into consideration where the children will be living. Making them feel at home wherever they are is the most important thing when it comes to the living arrangements. Also make sure that you both understand how the finances will be. Some couples wish to share and some wish to keep things separate. Many women who have step children wish for the finances to be kept separate so that it is their husbands that are paying the child support with their own money. This is a personal choice that should be discussed before the nuptials. Resolving Feeling: Getting remarried may bring up old and painful feelings from your first marriage. We never completely stop loving people; we simply love them in a different way than we originally did. It is important for both you and your children to confront any emotions before remarriage. Their feelings are just as important, if not more so, then yours are. You also want your relationship with your ex spouse to be a healthy as possible so your children are as healthy as possible. Expect changes in parenting styles: Everyone has their one way of parenting. Talk with your future spouse about these sort of topics so you can work together as a team when it comes to the children. The Quality of Marriage Vs. The Quality of Parenting When a couple first gets married they may be so wrapped up in being in love that the children feel neglected. If they are already having difficulty managing their feelings about their mom/dad being in a new relationship, this will only add to their feelings of sadness and abandonment. Make sure that there is a certain time everyday that is just for you and your children. The new spouse can be inserted in that together time later- but in the beginning, they need to know that mom/dad is still on their side always. Step Parent/Step Child Relationships Being in a step family can be wonderful, but it can also present problems as well. How the step parent handles parental things may be quite different then how you or your ex spouse does. This is not as difficult when you remarry while the step child is at a young age because you kind of grow up along with them. However, coming into a step family that has a teenager can get messy since this is already a rebellious stage for a teen. The main thing is to help with the readjustment as best you can. Do not jump right into the “mom” or “dad” role. The best thing to do in the beginning is to form a friendly relationship. Relationships with children cannot be pushed as they are very fragile. When it comes to discipline, have a talk with the custodial parent to see how they think things should be handled. Different things work better for different families and no two are just alike. The Absent Parent The absent parent (the one which does not have the child living with them) should be included in the child’s life as much as possible. This will help keep the child emotionally balanced when a remarriage occurs. Research shows that when the absent parent visits consistently and stays active in their child’s life, the child is more likely to adjust to the remarriage better and more quickly. Otherwise, they will feel abandoned by the absent parent and the easiest person to blame for that is the step parent. Being a step parent myself, I have seen and experienced some of these things. However, after being married for 6 years I have an excellent relationship with my step children- with my step daughter in particular. For me, I know my place in their lives. When they are in my home, I am in charge…I am mom even though we all know that they have a mother. My step son is at the age where he wants to be with dad all the time. However, my step daughter is almost 16 and she is one of the few bright lights in my life. We got to this point in our relationship because I did not try to play the role of MOM. We are more like friends than parent/child but she knows that I can be MOM when she needs me to be. This is what worked for me. Find what works for you and do your best for your family.

The family of today is typically a very busy unit. Most households require both parents to work in o [More]

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad. No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss. Overcoming loss A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine. You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out. You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time? What will it be like to be alone? Will you ever find someone else, or even want to? Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling. Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses. Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them. Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it. Lessons learned From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience. To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup. As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Simple is better Family time and simpler lifestyles are winning out over consumerism these days. Considering the shaky economies around the globe, individuals and families are scaling back on their spending. With rising unemployment figures and uncertain futures, people are strategizing their escape from the prison of debt. By paying off debt, reducing discretionary spending and opting to save money, materialism is losing its grasp on society. Taking charge of your debt and deciding to scale back your lifestyle requires change. Change is rarely comfortable. Difficult decisions and sacrifices must be made to accomplish your goals. Taking charge Following are some tips to help you take charge of your life, finances and lifestyle. Determine what you want to change about your financial picture and lifestyle. For example, you may want to be debt free within five to seven years; you may have a desire to grow your own food, or become a stay-at-home mom or dad. Set reasonable goals and timeframes to reach your dream. Strive for specific milestones leading you to your overall goal. This allows you to see your success in smaller chunks, as you chip away at the whole. Assess your current financial picture. Determine how much overall debt you have and to whom it is owed. Calculate your monthly income, and compare the differences of inflow versus outflow. Set your first milestone as complete. Knowing the state of your affairs will relieve you of an amazing amount of stress. Realizing you are working to take charge of your circumstances is huge. Make a list of each creditor and the amount owed them. Define a plan that allows you to pay more toward the smallest balance first, until it is satisfied. Continue this pattern until they are all knocked out, or at least well on their way. Reward yourself in some way for your diligence as each milestone is reached. Perhaps you have not been out to dinner in months as a part of your effort to scale back; this may be a reward you agree is reasonable, for example. Stay focused on your plan and you will achieve your desired end. Living the life As you downsize you will find there are things you no longer have need of. It is important to determine whether you will sell these items or donate them to charity. Depending on your goal, a move may be in order. Transportation may change, and jobs/roles may shift, or be redefined. Yet as you scale back your lifestyle, you will enjoy more free time and experience a healthier life. Stress is responsible for many major health conditions and diseases. Often, we are unaware how much we are affected by stress as we struggle day-to-day to make ends meet. Moreover, social stress, such as the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality can lead to a tremendous amount of peer pressure. This type of pressure can lead to depression, even death, if we perceive we have failed. So, start living the life, take charge of your life, as you begin your journey to scale back.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Before “I do” Marriage is a big step; a leap of faith, a commitment. Faith for your future; that it will be bright, prosperous and secure. You are committing to stand together through thick and thin, health and wealth, sickness and poverty. Moreover, you are committing to each other for life, as partners, forsaking all others. That is why premarital counseling is vital.Life is full of problems and unexpected ends. We may think we are prepared to take on all it offers--together--yet we are individuals. Knowing one another very well is not enough. Until living together in matrimony, it is impossible to see all aspects of each individual’s response to life’s situations. Traversing the terrain of life together is much like that of a team who climbs mountains together. The ropes that bind them together are essential in keeping them alive. It takes practice, teaching and patience to learn how to attempt the unknown together. Premarital counseling Premarital counseling can help with identifying problem areas that might exist prior to marriage. In fact, some states require premarital counseling prior to marriage. Some of the issues addressed in counseling are: financial management and decisions parental issues expectations of each other employment roles and responsibilities religion and spirituality family involvement and activities hobbies and interests friends It is important to ensure you each have realistic expectations of one another. To think that things will magically fall in place is unrealistic. Addressing these and other significant issues can get your marriage off on a more stable footing. He said she said Resolving conflicts in a marriage requires certain skills, and is another reason for premarital counseling. “Fair fighting” is imperative in a marriage, and seeking counsel prior to marriage, will prove beneficial in these areas. Counselors will offer various coping and negotiation skills necessary to ensure successful conflict resolution within your marriage. The Counselor Premarital counseling is generally facilitated by trained family therapists, and often, clergy. The counselor will assist you as a couple to identify potential or existing problem areas. This is accomplished as you discuss with your counselor, the more common issues of a marriage, as mentioned earlier. Sitting down with a counselor and having these discussions prior to marriage, will help bring clarity and definition to your relationship. Premarital counseling offers invaluable tools that will assist you protect one of the most important blessings of your life. We go to great lengths to protect our worldly goods and things important to us. Your marriage should be protected in the same way. Who should go Couples who have never been married or involved in a long-term partnership should attend premarital counseling. Furthermore, anyone who has been married before, having it end in divorce, should also attend counseling prior to remarriage. People with children should seek counseling before saying I do, as it can be difficult blending families. Successfully blending a family takes skill and effort, as well as, a lot of love and patience. Premarital counseling can help you navigate these tricky waters.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor The Pink Slip Losing a job is very stressful for a family. The emotional impact it has on the husband or wife can be very different. Both may feel depressed and anxious as a result of the loss. Self-esteem and worthiness issues are common. These factors, combined with the financial implications resulting from a spouse’s job loss, place a strain on a marriage. However, exercising solid coping skills during this transitional time can lead to a successful outcome. Time to process It is important to give your spouse time to process what has happened and get a handle on the future. Often our job defines us--reinforces our worth to our family and others. While our self-worth should be shaped by other measures, our job plays an important role in our lives. Due to the financial strain resulting from a job loss, the natural response from both parties is to get a job as soon as possible. However, finding a new job can take time. During this time, sensitivity and careful response is essential in supporting your spouse. Encouraging words and conversations about other things can help ease any tension that money issues can cause in a marriage. Avoid picking out jobs for your spouse. As well meaning as this approach seems, it often backfires. They may begin to feel you have lost faith or trust in their abilities to manage their affairs properly. Questions about how the unemployed spouse spent their time during the day may be offensive. It is important to be aware of trigger points that may spark conflict. A person may lash out because they feel inadequate or are depressed. As important as processing time and feelings of the unemployed spouse are, so are those of others involved. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor during this time. A counselor can help you identify the unique feelings and stressors experienced during a time of loss. They can offer feedback and coping skills you may not have considered previously. Reach out to friends and family that may have experienced a similar situation. Ask them how they managed the process. Fear and Finances A financial plan is an imperative step in eliminating fear and uncertainty of the future. The plan should be developed to encompass at least three months that follow the unemployment. Together, determine what you can cut back on, or live without. Big changes should be considered carefully. Remember, the situation is not permanent. Your spouse may be eligible for unemployment compensation. This benefit can be very helpful when facing job loss. Consulting a financial advisor or counselor may be necessary in some cases. However, cutting back on special perks or extras can trim a budget quite a bit. The Bottom Line At the end of the day, your marriage and relationship with one another is more important than anything else. Be kind to one another. Talk about your spouses good qualities, compliment them. Take notice of the extra help you are likely receiving around the home, or in other areas of your life. You will likely come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before.