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By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor While many songs will impress upon us that the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, this is not the case for some people. For some people, the holidays are a source of stress, sadness and overall depression. Getting though the holidays when you feel like this can be a difficult task, especially when it seems that everyone around you is happy and excited. What Causes Holiday Blues? There are many things that can make the holidays a sad time for a person. · Finances · Family death · Family being far away · Loneliness These are just a few reasons for holiday depression. Each person is different and has different reasons for feeling down during what is supposed to be the most festive time of the year. Spend, Spend, Spend For many, the major theme for the holidays is spending. When we have children this cannot be avoided. The little ones want Santa to bring them many things and they eagerly await Christmas morning and the presents they are expecting to find under the Christmas tree. This can be very hard for a family whose financial situation is bleak. For a parent, it is heartbreaking to know that you cannot afford to get your child presents for Christmas. Even if you can afford to get one or two gifts, it is still hard knowing that their friends will get much more then they will. Parents do not ever want their children to feel slighted by Santa, a figure who they are told love all of them equally. How to do you explain to a child why Santa only brought them a small toy and a sweater when the little boy down the road got a go-cart and a video game system? So, what can you do? While there is no perfect answer here, I have found one option to be effective. While you can still allow your child to believe in Santa you can also let them know that you work with Santa to get their presents. Only you know what you can afford to do and you can pass this onto your child by telling them that while Santa brings the toys they want for Christmas you have to pay Santa for them. By doing this you are able to sit down with your child and help them make a list of all they want, guiding them to what you can afford to do. Let them know that Santa cannot give them all the things on their list so they should pick out a few things that they really want to have and see what happens. By doing it like this, they understand that you have a part in Santa’s delivery and you have the chance to get those few items that they really want above all else. Loss of Loved Ones Ever since my grandparents passed away, the holidays have never been the same and are a source of sadness for me. I imagine that this is a factor for many people during the holidays. For those who have had a loved one pass right near the holiday it can be even worse. Just yesterday a little boy in my town was killed by a car while leaving the town Christmas Parade. Imagine how his parents feel and then know that the holiday season will always be a source of great pain for them from here on out. Loss is never easy and death does not discriminate. The holidays can be a painful reminder of these facts. After you lose someone important in your life, the holidays may never be the same again. There is little you can do about this. However, I was given some advice from a good friend on Thanksgiving of this year. She told me that things will always change and sadness over loss will always linger. However, it does not have to overtake the happiness of the season. Take the time to be thankful for those you do have in your life and make new holiday memories and traditions for your own children to cherish. While this may not have any effect on everyone, it did work on me. It helped me to realize that while I had fond memories of past holidays that I will never again experience, it was my duty to ensure that my children have them as well. This has helped me to put things in better perspective and allow me to feel a bit more lighthearted then I previously did. Far Away Family Another issue that many people deal with around the holidays is not being able to go home and be with family. With so many families being scattered around the country, it can be difficult to make it home for Christmas/Hanukkah. Not being able to be with loved ones during a season made for family can be depressing and lonely. With the economy what it is, travel is not always a possibility. It is even more experience than usual around the holidays. Knowing that your family is thinking of you is not always enough but there are other ways of being together on the holidays even if you cannot be in the same house. Technology is a great thing when it comes to communication. On Christmas morning you can place a Skype call to your family and have some face to face time. If nothing will make you happy except making it home, then starting a savings account at the start of the year can be very helpful in making travel possible. Put it in a Christmas club account to ensure that you cannot touch it until December. Help Those in Need of Holiday Cheer If you know how it feels to have the holiday blues it is a nice idea to reach out to others who are experiencing those same feelings of sadness. If you have a family to spend the holidays with and know someone who does not, invite them to join in the festivities with your family. Doing so would mean so much to someone who is sad and alone. If you are alone on the holidays, reach out to others that are alone as well. You can all have your own special day together. Talking about the reason for your sadness with people who understand it can be very helpful in lifting your spirits. Plus, by doing this you may have started a new holiday tradition! Though the holidays may be a source of pain, it does not have to be incurred alone. Feelings of sadness during the holiday season are very common and there are many who feel your pain and are willing to share their own with you. Reach out to your family and friend and even to strangers. You may be surprised at how much happier you can feel by unburdening yourself and finding a silver lining. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year to all of my readers. May this holiday pass with love and joy filling your hearts, memories of holidays past and the beginning of new traditions.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~George Santayana As a huge history buff, I want so much for my children to have a love for it as well. To me, history tells a story much better than fiction and teaches us to better understand the world around us. The questions “who are we” and “where did we come from” are answered through history. These are important questions in defining the world as we know it and understanding the worldviews of others. There are many places I want to be able to take my children for this purpose. These places are good for family fun and make history something that is enjoyable to young minds. Hopefully, they will inspire a love of history for my children and yours as well. Charleston, South Carolina Charleston, South Carolina is brimming with history. This is a perfect vacation spot to learn about a very important part of our nation’s history, catch some sun on the beautiful beaches and get a great seafood meal. Charleston is where the Civil War began. The first shot was fired from Fort Sumter, which is visible from Battery Park. You and your family can get on the ferry boat and cruise over to the fort for a tour. This can be an exciting for children, especially if they have never been on a ferry ride. The fort is in excellent condition and has been preserved very well. The tour will make this era come alive for both children and adults, making all involved want to know more of the history surrounding Charleston and the Civil War. In addition to the tour of Fort Sumter, there are several homes and plantations in Charleston that can make history touch your child’s mind. The best one that I experienced as a child was Boone Hall Plantation. Here you will tour the main house on the plantation. It contains most of the original furniture and has the slave quarters intact for exploring as well. (The history of slavery in the United States has always been of interest to me since being introduced to it in Charleston.) The tours are given by people in period dress, making it fun for children and allowing them to really experience that time in history. To inspire your child’s love for history, Charleston is a must. Salem, Massachusetts Many children love witches, ghosts and goblins. This is why Salem is the perfect place to take a vacation if you want to get them into history. Massachusetts was one of the original 13 colonies so it has much history to share. Here your child can learn about the Puritan people, their way of life and what it was like to live in Massachusetts during the 1600’s. They may be especially interested in the Salem Witch Trials that took place in 1692. There are several places in Salem to learn about this time in history but the most visited is the Salem Witch Museum. There you will find out about the bleak time in history where regular people were accused of being supernatural beings and being put to death for their “crimes”. The most compelling feature of this museum is the stage show that is given. It is a dramatic showing and really pulls you back into history. As a child I remember reading the book about the Witch Trials and being so taken with the history that I had to know more. Most children enjoy stories about witches so Salem is the perfect place to show them their real part in history. Washington, D.C. Our nation’s capital is a great place to get your children involved in history. There are so many things to do that can spark their interest in the past and keep them wanting to learn more. One must see in D.C. is the Smithsonian Museum. It would be more accurate to say museums as there are 19 separate sites for the Smithsonian. The museum of American history is a fantastic collection of history that will excite your children’s minds. Here they can see our first president’s uniform, Thomas Jefferson’s lap desk and the ruby slippers worn by Dorothy herself in the movie the Wizard of Oz. They will also see historic items left behind by first ladies’, original machines that were built for communication, items from everyday domestic homes and pieces of original military history. You can then head over to the air and space museum and learn about air travel, starting with its birth. The very first plane constructed by the Wright Brothers in on display and is a big hit with children. Space travel is also well illustrated and the night sky can come to life in the show seen in the planetarium. From American history to the American Indian Museum and the history of space travel to the history of motor car travel, you can spend a week going through all the collections contained within the halls of the Smithsonian buildings. Looking back, I can honestly say that this location was the top inspiration I had for falling in love with history. But, the museums are not place to go for historic inspiration. The White House and the Lincoln Memorial are also fantastic places to visit. These tell the story of our nation’s birth and history in a way that one will never forget. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Even though Washington, D.C. is our nation’s capital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is the birthplace of America herself. This is the place where the founding fathers of our country lived and the place where the Declaration of Independence was signed. If you want your children to really understand how the country was born, this is the place to go. One of the coolest attractions for your child in this town is The Liberty Bell. The history of the bell will be explained right down to the visible crack in its side and why it is an important symbol for America. Your next stop should be Independence Hall. Here you will get the tour of a lifetime. Guides dressed in period clothing will take you through the hall where the Declaration of Independence was signed and re-enact that important day in history. Finally, you should not miss Franklin Court. This is the spot in which Benjamin Franklin’s home stood. Though it was burned to the ground long ago, there is a steal framed outline where the house once sat and a post office in which you can send someone special a post card that has the hand stamped post mark made with the original stamp belonging to Franklin himself. How many children can say that they held Benjamin Franklin’s post mark stamp in their very own hands? The places I have spoken of are a few of the many historic places that your children will love. You do not even have to leave your own state to find history that will inspire your children. History is everywhere. If travel is not possible, begin in your own town’s historic society. Learning about the history of your own town can get that spark going. Once this happens the flame will grow and your children will hunger for more information from the past.

ByTanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Once upon a time, Bipolar Disorder was only a mental illness recognized in adults. Over the past few years however, this disorder has become something that has been recognized in children. Many feel that this is just the new buzz diagnosis from the medical community, but I have personally seen cases of bipolar disorder in children. Maybe more kids are diagnosed with this serious disorder then should be, but regardless of that, it is a real disorder that does touch the lives of children. What is Bipolar Disorder? Once known as manic depression, bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes your mood and energy to shift in dramatic ways. There are severe ups and downs in the mood of a person suffering from bipolar disorder. This is difficult for adults to deal with even though they have an understanding of what is going on, but for children, it can be very scary. Most children are not capable of understanding such an illness and it can make them abnormal and distanced from others their age. Typically, this illness develops during the late teenage years or during the early adult years, but it is now becoming clearer that signs and symptoms are beginning to show during early childhood. What are the Symptoms? People with bipolar disorder have intense mood swings. They can be overjoyed and completely blissful or they can be dangerously angry or deeply depressed. It has been found that children with bipolar disorder tend to experience odd sleep patterns, changes in energy levels and change is amounts of activity compared to how they usually behave and engage. Other signs and symptoms include: ØThe child experiencing an overly hyper or silly mood that is not typical ØShort temperedness ØRacing thoughts ØInability to concentrate ØPartaking in risky behavior that goes beyond typical childhood mischief. ØStaying in a sad mood ØHaving little interest in things that used to be enjoyable ØNoticeable changes in eating ØThoughts of death or talking about death ØSevere behavior problems beyond what is normal for the child You may look at this list and worry that your child may suffer from bipolar disorder but rest assured, most children have at least a few of these symptoms. They may be going through a stage that will soon pass. The important thing when looking at a list of signs and symptoms is to remember that your child is not bipolar simply because he his one or two symptoms. Many other things are taken into consideration before a diagnosis this serious is given. How is Diagnosis Made in Children? While there are no medical tests that can give a proper diagnosis for bipolar disorder, things such as blood tests and brain scans may be used. This is not to determine if your child is bipolar but to rule out any other medical possibility. When it comes right down to it, the only real way to be diagnosed is through careful questioning and observation. Questions about your child’s habits such as sleep patterns, eating habits, and mood changes will be covered as well as family history. If someone else in your family has bipolar disorder than your child is at more of a risk of getting it as well. The final diagnosis is made from the guidelines found in the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The DSM has defined four specific types of bipolar disorder: ØBipolar 1 Disorder ØBipolar 2 Disorder ØBipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ØCyclothymic Disorder Your child’s health care professional will do a case study and determine which type of bipolar disorder your child has, if any. Differences for Children vs. Adults While the symptoms tend to be the same, studies have shown that when a child is found to have bipolar disorder, the symptoms come on in a much more severe way. Adults with bipolar disorder can get the illness under control more easily. This is not so for children. It appears that children who are bipolar tend to have more frequent mood shifts that are more severe in nature. They also are sick more often than other children. Suicidal thoughts are also very common in bipolar children. These signs must be taken very seriously. Having an illness like this can be very confusing for a child and therefore harder to cope with. Treating the Bipolar Child While there is not a cure for bipolar disorder, there are ways to treat it in both adults and children. The main treatments are therapy and medication. Many times it is beneficial to use both of these to get the most out of the treatment. While medication can be a good thing for the bipolar child, doctors are still in the early stages of treating children with this disorder and only have adult studies to go on. Studies have been started on this topic though since the diagnosis is becoming more common. This is an important point to remember because the way children respond and react to psychiatric drugs can be very different than how adults respond and react. Some doctors are beginning to use adult medications in an experimental capacity on children with bipolar disorder. Currently, there are only three drugs approved by the FDA to treat bipolar children: ØLithium ØRisperidone (Risperdal) ØAripiprazone (Abilify) Also commonly used are mood stabilizers and antidepressants. Be sure to know all the side effects of these types of medications before your children begin taking them. Watch closely and report any adverse reactions to the prescribing physician. Therapy for Bipolar Children In addition to medication, therapy can be very useful in helping your child to work within his or her capacity to deal with their disorder. An especially useful tool is cognitive behavioral therapy. With this type of treatment your child can learn how to change any harmful patterns of thoughts and behaviors. In some cases, family therapy may be needed as having a bipolar child can take its emotional toll on the family unit as a whole. Having a child with bipolar disorder can be a major challenge for you and for them. They are scared and you are their protectors. It can be hard to stay strong for them and you do not have to do it alone. If you find yourself needing more support take to the web and find a parental support group where you can find other parents who have children with bipolar disorder. This can be very cathartic and if you are feeling stronger then you can pass some of that strength onto your child.

The family of today is typically a very busy unit. Most households require both parents to work in o [More]

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor There are many challenges a parent of a special needs child faces. The one I have most recently had to deal with is my son’s transition to a new school. For a special needs child, change can be very difficult. Many of these children rely on routine and consistency, so when a major change comes, it can be very scary for them and the parents as well. Helping them (and yourself) becomes top priority when change occurs. Changing Schools Though your special needs child may be in a self contained classroom, they still have to change grades and therefore teachers and schools. This can be a stressful experience for the child and for you as well. My son has just entered middle school (grades 6-8). The school he had been at previously (grades 3-5) was a place that he had grown accustom to, as did I. He had the same teacher and teacher’s assistant for the past 2 years. The school was fairly small and he knew where to go for everything he needed and also knew all of the staff. He was comfortable with this school and the staff, as was I. Knowing he had to change to a new school this year was something at the front of my mind for quite some time. When you have a special needs child you worry about all sorts of things. Will his teachers give him what he needs? Will the other kids be kind to him? Will he be able to navigate the new school without getting scared and lost? There are so many things to consider and I will share what I have done and what you can do to, to help yourself and your special needs child. Tips to Quell Your Fears The first thing anyone of a special needs child should do before sending them to a new school is to visit the school yourself with your child. This is the first step in ensuring the needs of your child will be met. When you meet with your child’s teacher, ask questions! Have a list of questions with you so you do not forget something you may feel important. In order to feel better about your child’s new situation, have the new teacher explain to you how their daily routine works. Even special needs children in a self contained classroom participate in elective classes. This means that they will likely spend at least some time with the regular classes. Make sure you know what their schedule is so if you need to check up on them you know exactly where they are and when. Not only do you need to ask questions, you must also assert yourself by telling the staff that will be working with your child about his or her needs. For example, my son can only read, write, and spell his first and last name. This is something I want them to be aware of so they do not just give him work to do and expect that he will complete it by himself. Also, if you child has any problem with self care issues, make this known. Tell the teacher if you child needs help with buttons or zippers for instance. If your child takes medication be sure to let their teacher and the other staff involved in his or her care know about this. Make sure the dosage and frequency are made known and when the child takes the medication. If your child must take medication at school, make sure you are aware of the schools policy on medication at school. Usually there are rules about this and there must be a doctor’s note of file for the medication to be used at school. In addition to that, your child will most likely not be allowed to carry the medication with them but must leave it at the office instead. When it is time to take the medication, your child will be sent to the office to get it from the staff. Get Informed About Classroom Policy Some teachers welcome parents to pop in whenever they would like to. In my opinion, this is the most ideal situation. If this is allowed and/or encouraged, do so as often as you can! A teacher that wants the parent involved and in the classroom is a teacher who finds it important for the parents to participate in the education process. It also says to me that the teacher has nothing to hide and do not mind the parents seeing how they handle their classroom. Many times schools are underfunded and the teachers actually welcome help from the parents. This is a fantastic way to be involved in your child’s education and be able to keep an eye on them as well! Issues for the Custodial Parent Some children are from a divorced family and some are even in danger from the absent parent .This is the case with my son who was shaken by his biological father. This happened so long ago and the judgment was that I was to have full custody and the biological father would never be allowed to be near him again. Every school he has been in took my word as to the custody issue and it was listed that his biological father would never be allowed access to him. Now that he is in a different school things have changed. Due to the size of the new school they are very strict on custody policies and require that each parent have a copy of custody on file at the school. If this is a concern for you be sure to check out your child’s school policy on this. If there is a rule about absent parents having access to their children if no custody papers are on file, you need to be aware of this and take the proper steps. With no custody papers, the only thing the school can do to stop the absent parent from acquiring the child is place a courtesy call to you and try to stall for the time it takes for you to arrive and intervene. This is VERY IMPORTANT. The law states that if the parents name on the birth certificate matches the identification the parent is carrying, the school legally has no choice but to release the child UNLESS there are custody papers on file at the school. While you may think that the absent parent would never try to take your child from their school, it is always best to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Conclusion Though it can be a scary experience for your entire family, switching your special needs child to a new school is just one of many new changes your child will have to face in their lives. Be strong for them so they can feel confident about being able to handle the change. If you have to walk your child to class for a few weeks until he or she can make their own way, do it, as it can also help to ease your own anxiety. Keep in regular contact with your child’s teacher because sharing information is good for all involved and can help the child both at school and at home. Above, all fight for your child. If you feel that they are not getting what they need at their new school, speak up! You are their voice and must be loud and unwavering.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Protecting Your Children in the Digital Age When I was a child we played outside until our parents called us in for supper or when it got dark, whichever one came first. We played hide and seek and tag, and rode our bikes. Television was a treat that we only got to an hour, or maybe two, per day. We knew who our neighbors were and we knew where the dangers were as well. Sadly, the world that I grew up in is now gone and the dangers our parents faced pale in comparison to what the parents of today have to worry over. I knew not to talk to strangers and not to go with someone I did not know. But, today, strangers can reach our children in places we would have never thought imaginable in the past. With computers, cell phones, and other technological items, danger is lurking around every corner and it is difficult to know where it may come from and how to protect our children from it. This is a scary world we live in. While we cannot protect our children from everything all of the time, there are some preventative measures that can be taken in order to help ensure their safety. It is enough to make you shudder. The Internet: Full of Information and Full of Danger The World Wide Web can be a wonderful place. Who could have imagined that one day we would have any information we wanted right at our fingertips? We use it to work, we use it play, and we use it to keep in contact with family and friends around the globe. Schools have started doing away with hard copy text books and traditional teaching and instead opting for using computers are the main teaching and learning tools. People have little use for libraries anymore and when is the last time anyone can remember finding a door to door encyclopedia salesman on their doorstep? There is no need for such things in the day in age! Do you need to know how to make a roast chicken? Look it up on the internet. Need to know when each president of the United States was born? Again, use the internet. I am not saying this is a good or bad thing. It is just a fact. And it is for the most part, quite useful. Our children can do their school reports and find every bit of information they need on one machine. They can chat with their friends from school without tying up the phone lines (for those of you who still have a land line). Yes, these are good things come with having internet access. However, with the good always comes the bad and when it comes to the internet, there is a significant amount of the bad. With the growing popularity of social websites such as Face Book and MySpace, people are able to contact your children with ease. For the most part, the people that your children have on their friends list are pals from school and family members, but there are also many people who reach out to children online who are predators. One downside to the internet is that you can be whoever you want to be. Your daughter may receive a friend request from someone who says they are a boy her age living in another country. Your son may receive a friend request from a girl his age claiming to go to a neighboring high school. In reality the young man may be a 40 year old man surfing for his next victim and the young girl may be 34 year old woman who has a thing for young boys. The person befriending your child may be a killer, a rapist, a kidnapper, or a child molester. Internet identities can be very elusive. While the web is a wonderful place to educate yourself it is also the best thing that has ever happened to child predators. This is why educating your children on the dangers of the internet and laying down ground rules for internet usage is so important to their safety. Knowledge if Power It would be impossible to keep your child away from the internet. You can find it everywhere; home, school, friend’s houses, libraries; cell phones all have internet access. Also, you do not really want to keep them away from it. The internet holds wonderful discoveries for them and will most likely play an important part in their education and possibly even their adult careers. Since you cannot keep them away from it then you must educate them on the dangers they can, and most likely will, encounter. Talk to your children honestly about what is out there. Give them the freedom to access the internet but only under certain conditions, letting them know that the rules must be followed if they want to keep the privilege of internet usage. The rules should be specific and non-negotiable. · Computer use will be done in a central part of the home where their activity can be monitored. Being alone in their bedroom is a no-no. This is not to say that you should not trust your children but please understand that their ability to make the right choices has not developed highly enough to trust that they will handle certain situations properly all of the time. · As the parent, you should have every password to every account your child has. This includes social network sites and emails. You should be able to access any of your child’s accounts at anytime and should do so often. Monitoring their online behavior can help to ensure their safety. If they do not want to give you their passwords then they do not get to use the internet. Make it clear that you do not want this information in order to spy on them or because you do not trust them. They may not believe you but at least you are being a responsible parent and making sure that they are okay. · Look over the friends who you children socialize with online. If you do not know some of them, ask questions. If your child admits to having met them online and not knowing them in the real world, do some investigating. If you cannot find any valid information or verify who they really are block all contact. Even if you find yourself suspicious of someone, step in. Gut feelings are usually right and should be followed. Always err on the side of caution. · Block websites. There are many sites with content that you may fell is inappropriate for your children. Use the computers parental controls to ensure that your child does not have access to any place you do not feel is appropriate. · Check the history on any computer your children use. Find out where they have been going and who they have been connecting with. · For any parent who feels that their child cannot be trusted to do the right thing online, make it a rule that they cannot use the internet when they are home alone. Some children are savvy enough to know how to delete browsing history so you cannot see what they have been up to. Talk to Your Children About the Dangers of the Internet Talking to your children is the most important thing in keeping them safe. Setting rules in important and helpful, but without telling them why the rules have been set it is pointless. They will simply think you are being mean or unfair or trying to ruin their lives. (The last one is my favorite. It is typical teenage mellow drama.) · Tell your children about internet predators. They need to know that they cannot trust everyone and especially not someone they have befriended from on internet meeting. · Let them know that if they feel uncomfortable or in any way threatened by someone they are talking to online that they should come to you right away. They do not need to try to handle it alone. I actually tested this one on my stepdaughter one night. While she was on the computer in the family room I got on mine in the bedroom. I made up a male screen name and started chatting with her. She was polite at first but once I asked where she lived and if I could come see her she could be heard running down the hall telling me that some guy she does not know is asking for her personal information and she was scared by it. I did confess that it was me but I was very glad to know that the things we warned her about sunk in! · Make very clear to your children that they are not to give out any personal information over the internet. This means no phone numbers, no addresses, and no other identifying information that may allow a predator to track them down. This includes telling someone where they go to school or when their soccer practice is. · If your child is going to the skating rink on Friday night do not post it anywhere online. While this sounds like innocent enough information meant for their friends to read, it can lead a predator right to their location. · Do not divulge any routine information. This includes the times when their parents get home from work, when they get home from school, or where they are every Monday afternoon after school. Again, this type of information can bring danger right to them without them even knowing it. Don’t Be Afraid to Be the Parent It can be hard to lay down so many rules for your children, but rest assured, you are not being an over protective parent. You are not being paranoid as the danger you fear is very real. Your children may not like the rules and may be angry with you for setting so many limits but remember that you are the parent. While you may want your child to think you are a “cool” parent or you may fear them being angry with you, it is much better for them to be mad then to be gone. One day when they are parents they will look back and have a real understanding of why you made the rules that you did. And just think; If the parents of today have so many things to worry about in way of the dangers from technology, just imagine what our children will have to face when they become parents.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Caring for Your Aging Parents When we are children it seems that are parents will be there to care for us forever. When we become adults and have children of our own it seems that Grandma and Grandpa will always be there. After all, parents are the ones who are supposed to take care of you right? But, then the day comes when the parents you once knew, strong, vital, and full of life, begin to fade. The reality is a hard one to face, but the time comes when you become the caregiver. The relationship switches places with you as the parent and them as the children. This has a profound effect on the dynamic of the relationship and there are many moments where you wonder if you can do it. It is painful and emotionally draining but there is help for children who are caregivers. You just have to look for it and ask for it. Help for the Helper I know from personal experience how taxing it is to care for an aging parent. If you are an only child it can be twice as hard. However, if you have siblings, you can ban together to provide the care your parent needs. For many families, nursing homes are not an option. Maybe it is an issue with money but with my family it is an issue with a promise. My husband and his siblings promised his mother that she would not be put in a nursing home no matter what happened. It has been a year since she has gotten sick. A year of having all of our lives turned upside down. A year of spending limited time with our families due to the schedule they all keep, taking turns caring for Mom. Even with four siblings it was too overwhelming so we turned to the state. Home health can be a wonderful thing, but because of the heavy changes made in the system due to government cuts, the hours the state will provide for home health care have been cut drastically. My mother-in-law who cannot be left alone for a moment and if total care only receives an hour and a half per day in state funded care and this is an absolute travesty. Knowing that we all work and that she needed 24 hour care, we looked outside the state help and hired people to come in to her home and care for her during the rest of our working hours. This has been financially hard, as I am sure it would be for many people, but this is certainly a viable option for someone who must provide care for their aging parent. If you must do this there are a few options that you can pursue. First, look to the home health agencies. Many certified nurses aides are happy to have some extra outside work to do as because of the state changes they have lost hours and income. You can find caring and dedicated aids this way. Another avenue to take is advertising. Craigslist is the perfect place to put an ad announcing that you are interested in hiring an aide to help care for your parent. You can take applications and do interviews, finding the best match for your parent as well as you. If you do not require full time care but need some respite days, you can go to your local social service office and see what they can do for you. Many times there are programs that help with assistance in providing a few hours here and there so you, the caregiver, can take care of yourself. If this does not work for you then you may go to your place of worship and ask for help. Many times, a church family can be just as kind and caring as a biological family and there may be someone there that would not mind helping out here and there. Asking for help may be the only way to keep your sanity in this hard time and if you ask, so shall you receive. Caregiver Burn-Out After pouring so much time and energy into caring for your aging parent it you can start to feel completely burnt out. Once upon a time, going to sit with your parent was a pleasure and recreational activity but now that things have changed it can seem more like an unpleasant chore. No matter how much you feel obligated to care for your parent, it cannot be done at the expense of your own mental or physical health. In addition to asking for outside help, it is important to get emotional support for yourself. Talk to your family about what you are going though. Confide your feelings to your spouse. Just talking about things can be a very cathartic experience and make the load feel just a little lighter. If you cannot take care of your own emotions then you will not be able to care for anyone else either. Talking to a counselor may also be beneficial for you. Sometimes the thoughts and feelings you are having may be hard to share with family. You may be feeling angry or frustrated that you have this burden. You may be hoping that it will be over soon and if so that would mean the parents death. These thoughts and feelings, while natural, can be hard to share with family. You may feel guilty about having these feelings and are scared to share them with family because you fear that they will judge you harshly. When talking to a counselor you do not have to fear these things. They are there to help you cope and not to judge. Expressing yourself to an unbiased third party can be very helpful and give you strength to forge ahead. A counselor can also offer helpful ideas on how to better help family cope as well. Always remember that being a caregiver, to a parent or anyone else, require the special care for yourself as well. Being at your best is in your best interest as well at the person you are caring for. The Feelings of the Aging Parent While the caregiver is at the heart of this article, it is also important to remember that the aging parent is going though many emotional and physical changes as well. Needing to have your children take care of you can be a difficult experience. As the parent, they are used to being your caregiver. Having the roles reversed can feel embarrassing and shameful for them. Having your children see you exposed physically is something most parents never imagined happening and it is hard for them to accept that it must be done. Remember this when you are providing care. If you must bath your parent, give as much privacy as possible. Cover the areas you are not washing or cleaning with a towel or blanket. Talk to them while you are providing care. This can make the mood lighter, more natural and less uncomfortable for both parent and child. Keep in mind that as much as you would rather not see your parent in this way, your parent likes it even less. When the Aging Parent has Dementia/Alzheimer’s An aging parent may not only need care due to physical ailments. Mental issues may also come into play. This can be much harder on the caregiver and presents a whole different set of emotional issues. Having worked in lock down units in nursing homes with patients with these types of problems I can say without a doubt that it is much harder on the family then the patient when these illnesses are present. At the later stages of dementia and Alzheimer’s the patient in is ignorant bliss for the majority of the time. The family must deal with the fact that their parent does not know who they are or have any recollection of their past. The emotional implications of this part of the disease(s) are staggering and the family suffers greatly. There are varying degrees of mental dysfunction with people with these illnesses. For my mother-in-law, there is part time coherence. When that is gone however, she says very hurtful things to her children and this has had a profound emotional effect on them. The thing to remember in these cases is that the parent does not mean what they are saying and they don’t know what they are saying. Though it does not make it much easier for the child it is important to remember this so the care they provide is not affected by the hurt being doled out. It can be very overwhelming but the thing I try to point out to my in-laws is that their mother does not mean what she is saying and if she knew what she was putting them through she would hate herself. She did not ask to be in this condition anymore then the family did. Keeping this in mind can help very much in getting through the day to day care of your aging parent with dementia or Alzheimer’s. When at Home Care is No Longer Possible The time may come when it is no longer possible to care for you parent at home. Maybe the parents physical health has declined to the point that they cannot get the things they need outside of a facility. Maybe the parent who has a mental disorder has become violent and the family and the parent are both put in danger. No matter why the choice must be made, it is a hard thing to do. No one wants to put their parent in a nursing home. As someone who has worked in nursing homes, I know that the quality of care is not what it should be and any fears that the family has about their parent not receiving the care they deserve are well founded. In my experience, the patients who receive the best care are the ones whose family visits often and pop up at different times of the day. Once the presence of the family is known the staff appears to pay closer attention to the patient then they would a patient whose family never visits. This is a sad reality but a reality none the less. So, if you must put your parent in a nursing home commit yourself to visiting often, calling often, and coming in when you are not expected to be there. This will ensure that your parent is getting the care that they deserve and require. You Can Only Do So Much While you may want to do it all for your aging parent, you can only do so much and can only offer what you have both emotionally and financially. If you do not feel as if you are able to do enough do not feel guilty. You are human too and cannot just stop living your own life and providing care for your own family. If you must put your parent in a nursing home there can be a great deal of guilt from that decision as well. While it is hard not to feel this way try to keep in mind that you have done the best that you can do for your parent and for yourself and your family. You can still provide care and should do so. Advocate for your aging parent and know that they love you for what you have done and would not want for you to feel guilt or pain.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Simply defined Communication simply defined is: “the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.” Communication is very important in all aspects of our lives. The way we interact with our colleagues, peers and managers is important from a professional standpoint. Often, when considering improving our communication skills, we tend to think about our techniques in this realm. After all, it is our livelihood. However, there are many areas of our lives where communication is as important, if not more as that of the professional relationship. That is the way we speak, move, act or otherwise signal our spouse, partner, children, family members and friends. Moreover, our way of interaction with the general public is very significant. Let’s talk, blog, bleep, or otherwise say Today, we have multiple ways to communicate from the face-to-face conversation, to email, IM, skype, Facebook, cell phones and many, many more. Developing effective communication skills is an ever evolving process. Flexibility and compromise are essential in communication today. The way we relay thoughts, messages or information warrants serious analysis. Let’s take a look at five key areas that can be very effective in the way we communicate with others, whatever form of communication we are using. They are: a two-way flow of conversation; actively listen; rapport building; positive focus and honesty. Two-way flo w of conversation: A conversation, whether verbal or written should always be balanced. Both people should contribute to the conversation to feel validated. If you have a problem talking too much, interrupting or dominating conversations try this exercise. Open your mind to what the other person is saying. Quiet the thoughts running through your head. Try not to formulate a rebuttal before the other person has finished their thought. Yours will be incomplete and likely inconsiderate. Actively listen: It is important to hear what the speaker is saying. Take mental notes of important points in the conversation. If you are simply staring at someone and do not comprehend what they are saying, there may be an underlying cause. Perhaps you are tired, stressed or emotionally absent. Search for the reason and get help overcoming the problem. Otherwise be engaged with the speaker. Try this exercise to help you actively listen.Be attentive to the communication skills or style of someone you respect, and practice what you have noticed. Begin to apply the techniques in your own life with others. Rapport building: It is important to build trust or a common ground with those to whom you communicate. Try this exercise when building rapport.Offer a solid handshake along with a friendly smile when introducing yourself, or greeting someone. Be aware of your body language. Lean forward a bit, it shows you are interested. If the speaker is sitting, if appropriate, you should sit also, being eye level puts you on an equal plane. And lastly, make eye contact. Positive focus: Life hands us ups and downs and it is okay to share that at times; however, try not to be a complainer. Try this exercise to offer positive reinforcement.Always lead into a conversation with a positive statement about what is right in a situation, prior to launching into the negative aspects. You will find people respond better when they are acknowledged for what they have done right, or hear what is good about a situation. Honesty: Always be honest and try not to drum up flattering insincere words. People will pick up on this and will not take you seriously. Try this exercise to assist you in being forthright and honest. Avoid using words that are designed to manipulate others to get what you want. Be honest about what you want. Speak directly with confidence. This will leave others feeling you have their best interest in mind. It leaves them with a choice without feeling guilty. These same exercises can be applied in the written form of communication as well. Paying attention to tone is key when writing. It is more difficult to catch the tone of someone’s meaning without hearing their voice, or looking at them for cues. Brush up on your written skills as necessary.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad. No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss. Overcoming loss A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine. You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out. You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time? What will it be like to be alone? Will you ever find someone else, or even want to? Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling. Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses. Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them. Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it. Lessons learned From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience. To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup. As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Missing out Many children are missing out on the joys of childhood, because pushy parents are trying to ensure their babes are in vogue with the most popular social cachet. Shocking statistics, revealed in a recent study, suggests that pushy parents “over timetable” their children. They have school, followed by extra-curricular activities and clubs. After spending 32.5 hours a week in school, add too that six hours of homework, seven more hours of parent to child teaching through play. Top it off with five hours a week reading together. Then, include as many as three activities a week, such as music, sports or other clubs. Totaling a whopping 53 hours a week pushy parents are “working” their kids; leaving them exhausted. It is hard to imagine that a large number of parents are inadvertently working their children into exhaustion. The push The insatiable appetite to have their child succeed drives pushy parents to make good choices turn bad. For the most part, parents want the best for their children, and believe that enrolling them in sports or other team activities will help them grow socially. The fear that grips parents concerning their children’s development, as related to them being on the same level as their peers, can be overwhelming. Instinct kicks in, to divide and conquer any possible threat standing in the path of success. Within the realm of competitiveness, of which we work and play in, it can appear that the best jobs, schools and opportunities go to the swiftest, brightest and most socially engaged. While in part true, if this mindset becomes a part of parents drive for their children, it can become dangerous. It no longer is about the child’s development, it is about success at any cost. Because of a near emotional breakdown--of a five-year-old--the study further revealed the parents removed their child from his extra-curricular activities. He was completely exhausted and worn down. Pushing our children to excel in activities we choose for them at an early age, is often more pressure than necessary to put upon them. Parents begin to teach their toddlers how to recite the alphabet, or count to ten, years before they enter pre-school. Others, go to the extremes of sabotaging their children’s nemesis--whether real or imagined to be so. Countless stories resonate through the airwaves of very harmful events, even death, caused by a pushy parent wanting their child to be on top. But the more realistic day-to-day reality is that parents are simply desirous to be as hands-on as they can with their children. However, taking inventory and admitting this can be difficult for a parent. Restore the joy Children will perform poorly when exhausted, and will ultimately excel at very little, or worse yet, nothing. The purpose by which started the push to excel then thwarted, by over scheduling your children. Exploration by natural curiosity brings about a great deal of knowledge and development, when children are allowed to play and be. Assess the time you are taking out of your child’s life with extra-curricular activities, and regroup if necessary.