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Well here we are again, the busy month of January behind us, the holiday glow has dampened and life is back! I am not sure about you, but for me the holidays give a great opportunity to practice boundaries. There are so many opportunities for being pulled here and there. As well, with family involved who cannot need to be able to communicate clearly a confident set of boundaries? Chapter 9 which deals with boundaries within a marriage is jammed full of useful tips on how one can conduct his/herself as well as what one can choose to tolerate and when to put your foot down. One part that stuck out for me most is that of taking responsibility for what I can control…ME and truthfully ONLY me. Page 164 gave a nice chart of some examples of how we can take control of our own actions versus being powerless in a situation. I will warn you for those who boundaries are not natural this will need some practice. I do believe over time with a renewing of the mind (Romans 12:2) we can begin to see ourselves as God does and thus we can demand in a loving way to be treated as the bible clearly lays out in Ephesians. Examples of how to take control of what I can: Before Boundaries After Boundaries 1. “Stop yelling at me. You must be nicer.” 1. “You can continue to yell if you choose to. But I will choose not to be in your presence when you act that way.” 2. “You’ve just got to stop drinking. It’s ruining our family. Please listen. You’re wreaking our lives.” 2. You may choose to not deal with your drinking if you want. But I will not continue to expose myself and the children to this chaos. The next time you are drunk , we will go to the Wilsons’ for the night, and we will tell them why we are there. Your drinking is a choice. What I put up with is mine.” 3. “You’re a pervert to look at pornography. That’s so degrading. What kind of sic person are you anyways?” 3. I will not choose to share you sexually with naked women in magazines. It’s up to you. I will only sleep with someone who is interested in me. Make up your mind and choose.” Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. (Pg 164) Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan. What is interesting when we look at these examples of how to communicate boundaries is that some women may be confused about how setting consequences is submissive or is respecting her husband. What needs to be understood is that both husbands and wives are to be submissive in a marriage. We need to remember as women that boundaries are not about being mean, or denying others. Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love.(Pg 31) The Bible does speak clearly about boundaries in a marriage: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. Ephesians 5:24-28 The Message (MSG)

Well, the Christmas season is through and time to get back to the grind of life and for me; my commitment to you that we WILL get through this book. As I read on I so clearly get how boundaries are key to so many issues in our lives. Recently, I have realized that I want to foster more generosity, patience, and trust. As I read this chapter about Friendship and Boundaries I have realized how boundaries can help or hinder all of these fruits being in my life. I am currently dating, well okay so I am online and trying to find Mr. Right- traditional dating for the sake of dating is not really on my agenda. I am ready and willing to get married so this is serious business. As I read through the chapter on friendship I was struck with an interesting point about attachment that I will choose to focus on. The chapter starts with a definition of what a friendship is. “A non-romantic relationship that is attachment-based rather than function based” (pg 143). In other words, we are talking about relationships we choose to be in outside of functions like ministry, work or frequent trips to the same corner store. When I first read this it went right over my head…BUT… WHAT DOES ATTACHMENT-BASED MEAN? You see I have a very clear view on marriage. Considering my parents are divorced and many people I know are; I am clear(or should I say determined!) that I will NEVER get divorced. To me one of the most important parts of a marriage is commitment and up until I read this chapter I realized this was actually at the expense of attachment. You see I also know many people who have been married 10 plus years and hear about the struggles that they have. But they are committed and THAT commitment keeps them together…or does it? The book posed the question that since there is nothing like an external institution ie commitment like a job, marriage, or church holding a friendship together are they not more easily able to be broken up and lost? Basically, an argument can be made that a friendship does not matter as much as these other relationships which have some kind of inherent commitment attached to them. This would further complicate the setting of boundaries because what if I made a friend angry if I told her I was feeling judged by her and wanted our communication to be different. Fundamentally, I have believed that the commitment in a marriage is all a marriage needs. I mean attachment would be nice but this is a marriage and we want it to last… so it needs to be about commitment (I think my broken-non-trusting heart is starting to warm up a bit…) and the book goes on to expound on the “attachment” that they used in their definition of a friendship. “Again the bible teaches that all commitment is based on a loving relationship. Being loved leads to commitment and willful decision making- not the reverse” (Pg 151) So here is the main point I think we need to look at… Are your relationships attachment-based? Do you have friendships that are based on performance, guilt, or obligation? Can you communicate in a friendship and not risk it ending? I feel like we have opened a can of worms too big for this forum…I do hope we can reflect more into how we connect with others AND if our connections are secure enough (attachment-based enough) that would even allow for healthy boundary setting? “…as we enter more and more in to an attachment-based life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure, the connection.”(Pg 152). Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Well on the eve of Christmas I think it is timely that we deal with this chapter called “Boundaries and Your Family” A few important things have stuck out for me in this section. Primarily, how we can make a change on the outside yet if the change is not in our hearts or in our minds or our values then it will only be actions and in fact, we will be easily swayed to the old way; as well as, possibly feel guilty for this internal inconsistency. Specifically, this relates to how we have separated ourselves from our families. We may have chosen to move to a different town, gotten married, even had kids, yet we still feel a pull from the familial roots we have come from as we have not made a change to move away in our hearts. This moving away is a sign of maturity and growth. Later in the chapter we read about how God asks us to really leave our families and to be adopted by Him. Have you done that? Do you identify with who you are as the daughter of “Sally” or as a ‘Daughter of the King’ ? Where is your compass set to? Towards your family of origin and the guilt, hurts, and abuse from the past OR towards Freedom and the future? I was just discussing today how this Christmas will probably be full of stress and unmet expectations. A Godly friend questioned me with whom do I identify? With the sins of my family’s past and the guilt and codependency of my youth or with the freedom I can have in Christ ?AND where are my expectations…if on ANYONE but God I am sure to get disappointed this holiday season! It seems like the rubber meets the road for me in this Chapter. I desire to be well rounded. To have my mind and heart focused on God’s goodness, yet I seem to get pulled back into needing affirmation and approval by people who actually cannot even fully affirm or approve me! “Many times we are not obeying the Word of God because we have not spiritually left home.”(Pg 138) Here are a few points on how to bring resolution to boundary problems in the family <!--[if !supportLists]-->1)<!--[endif]-->Identify the Symptom <!--[if !supportLists]-->2)<!--[endif]-->Identify the conflict <!--[if !supportLists]-->3)<!--[endif]-->Identify the need that drives the conflict <!--[if !supportLists]-->4)<!--[endif]-->Take in and receive the good <!--[if !supportLists]-->5)<!--[endif]-->Practice boundary skills <!--[if !supportLists]-->6)<!--[endif]-->Say no to the Bad <!--[if !supportLists]-->7)<!--[endif]-->Forgive the Aggressor <!--[if !supportLists]-->8)<!--[endif]-->Respond, Don’t React <!--[if !supportLists]-->9)<!--[endif]-->Learn to love in freedom and responsibility , Not in guilt Well, I desire as Christmas comes closer to apply these items and to hopefully have a love, peace, and boundary filled holiday! Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Ah! Chapter 4: How Boundaries are Developed, finally something to chew on AND a reason to blame the folks! So here we go some stuff that starts to help me make sense of why I live with this skewed sense of boundaries and often so much guilt: Boundaries are built they are not inherited. In fact, boundary development is an ongoing process (whew!) yet the most formative stages happen in our early years! The Bible advises parents to, “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6) Specifically here the authors suggest the parents act as ‘partners’ in helping young children discover what God intended for them. In fact, they go on to say you cannot develop boundaries apart from supportive relationships with others and with God. You see, if we have our boundaries built on unsupportive or misdirected relationships our foundation is flawed… We desire connection and relationship- we were built for it- designed in God’s image for this very purpose. AND you see, many of us KNOW this in our hearts yet we have had a rocky foundation of trust and respect at best and then we have entered the world with the desire for connection and with our misguided and flawed ability to relate to others, ie when to say Yes and how to say No we get hurt. Hurt people, Hurt people… And so the cycle goes on- we seek approval- defy the healthy guidelines for boundaries and then guess what…we get HURT! The authors go through a very systematic and very psychological description of the stages of attachment and growth from about birth to three years. At which point there is a healthy separation and a coming back to parent as one’s own self. It is a very interesting read and ties some adult problems with various stages in this process- worth the read! By the age of three with healthy boundary construction the author’s summarize where our abilities should be at: We can be emotionally attached to others yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart Ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss Ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally AND this is where I get a BIG “F” in my boundary development. Not only was this not constructed as a child I would say when I was 16 or even 30 I was not able to do many of these important tasks! SO when did you last attach to someone but not in a codependent way? When did you NOT hesitate to say No due to the consequences it might entail? When have you been able to receive a NO and not “take it personally” and retreat? I want to leave us with one thought back to childhood- Discipline is a good thing! NOW how does that make you FEEL when you read that? Do you get a bit angry and self-righteous? Do you feel like BIG brother is looking over your shoulder? How were you disciplined? OR like myself NOT disciplined when you were young? Well God gives us some clear guidelines, now if you are not a bible believer that is okay; please take it with a grain of salt that MAYBE there is some good stuff in here and let’s listen to what we may learn from it: “My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.(Hebrews 12:8-11)

So I am still struggling with this material. I am finding it very heady and not so much about practical application at this time. Chapter three I think in the title sums up pretty much where I am at “Boundary Problems” And here is what they had to say. We assume the person who has trouble setting boundaries is the one with the problem but often it is the one who does not keep others boundaries who has issues There are Functional Boundaries referring to completion of tasks ie with time management , performance, and discipline There are Relational Boundaries which involves speaking the truth to others we are in relationship with. 4 types of Boundary Problems: 1) The Compliant: They cannot say “NO”, they feel guilty and or controlled by others and can’t set boundaries. These people melt into the demands of others. They may have had parents who taught boundaries were bad. Their spiritual and emotional radar is broken and they cannot guard their hearts. Fear stops the compliant from saying no. They will say yes to the bad because saying no will cause more guilt. 2) The Nonresponsive: Can’t say “YES”, they will set boundaries against responsibility to love. They may have a critical spirit or be very self-absorbed in their own issues. 3) The Controller: Can’t hear “NO”, they aggressively or manipulatively violate boundaries of others. No means maybe and maybe means yes. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives so they try to control others. They are actually emotionally isolated as people stay with them out of fear. 4) The Avoidant: Cannot hear “YES”. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others. They withdraw and do not ask for help. Their walls do not have gates they will not let anyone in. A Compliant Avoidant has reversed boundaries they have none where they need them and some where they should not be. So which type of boundary problems do you have? I would say for myself I actually have a bit of all. I think as I fail in one area I then pull out a new tactic. Overall, I would say I am a compliant and the guilt and shame associated with setting a boundary makes me feel selfish and not responsible. I know this is wrong and I do believe this is tied into my need to be validated. What I am saying is, if I were to set a boundary that someone may not like then I would risk…well…not being liked by them… Just look at this world we live in; it is set up on a structure of validation. Take Facebook for example, when was the last time you posted something and got a warm fuzzy when the number of “likes” grew. We live in a culture that teaches us to look "out" to get validation. I believe as we delve deeper into our boundary issues, we will see it comes down to self-worth…and we cannot tackle the issue of self-worth without looking to the One who created us and to see what He says about us…here a few nuggets to mediate on: We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4

The origins of Thanksgiving have nothing to do with a bunch of Indians and pilgrims sitting down for a bountiful feast of turkey. In reality although the settlers with pale faces had been bothering the Indians in addition to giving them many new diseases they had never had were starving by this time. The Indians took pity on them and brought them some corn and fish. Thanksgiving has a lot of emotional disappointment and this article will show you how to deal with this. This is a period of time in which you are expected to give to others and be generous. Although the intention is good it often leads to self sacrifice and disappointment. This is a period of time in which you must balance your newfound humanitarianism with the demands on your own life. If you do not continue to reach your own immediate goals either at work or at home you will find yourself being irritable and exhausted. Remember that an obligation to give to others does not mean that you have to sacrifice your own needs. You must remember to give yourself some time for your own physical and mental well-being. It is a time when we most often neglect the things we do to make ourselves happy and keep ourselves balanced like exercise, yoga, or other spiritual practices for your own physical and mental well-being This is a time to find some positive solutions to deal with your family members past resentments. Remember that when I family system gets back together it quickly returns to whatever difficulties encountered before. Even if you're the only person in the room aware of this it may help you from dealing with the fallacy that "now that we're all together we must be alright." This leads to the need to decide on your priorities and organize your time adequately. I this will counteract your feelings that you have not a planned enough for Thanksgiving. If you find additional time you can always volunteer to feed the poor would do random acts of kindness. You may also need to have planned out some unstructured inexpensive holiday activity because this holiday evokes a feeling of being served good food rather than organizing fun things to participate in. Spending some time thinking about this will save the day when you are reunited with your family and no one knows what to do. One of the major fallacies are that Thanksgiving will take away feelings of loneliness, sadness, fear, anger and frustration. This holiday is heavily advertised is a time in which everyone appreciates being together. The fallacy behind that becomes clear when you are reuniting with family members and you realize why you have become independent of them. You may find yourself being overwhelmed with anger or fear or worse yet feeling alone being surrounded by your family. The worst emotion that creeps up on this holiday is resentment. It is usually triggered by a previous bad relationship with a family member. Beware of grudges and slights you have suffered in the past and keep them from resurfacing. Thanksgiving is designed to encourage gluttony. This is not an open invitation to eat too much. Remember that most people with eating disorders simply want to have something to control in their lives and to avoid the resentment and self-hatred you will naturally feel after eating way past feeling hungry. This includes other over indulgences. You know by now what you need to keep a careful eye on so that you don't lose control and this may be an opportunity to set an example with other family members who still have raging addictions. You may want to have some contingency plans when they become abusively angry, drunk or chemically impaired. If it the end of the holiday feast you find yourself still feeling depressed or resentful remember what the Indians did. They didn't like these foreigners who is strange customs and behaviors showed such a resentment towards nature that it disrupted and destroyed the Indian culture. Yet they still took pity on these poor starving people and threw them a fish or two.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Once upon a time, a man and a woman would get married and have children. Together they would raise these children and watch them leave the nest. They would then retire and spend the rest of their lives in matching rockers. While this still does happen in the year 2012, it is not the norm anymore. With divorce rates soaring as high as they have ever been, step families are also classified as the norm. Even though this is a normal situation, there are challenges that a couple should think about before they say I Do again. Any marriage that begins with children from previous relationships can cause some challenging situations. Before a person with children should remarry, they should confront three main issues in order to ensure that all is as harmonious as possible. Finances and custody/living arrangements: The majority of people who are remarrying do not purchase a new home. Instead, they move into their new partner’s home. This may be good or bad depending on the couple and their situation. Personally, I would rather have a new home that is “ours” instead of living in his home which he once shared with his ex wife. It should also be taken into consideration where the children will be living. Making them feel at home wherever they are is the most important thing when it comes to the living arrangements. Also make sure that you both understand how the finances will be. Some couples wish to share and some wish to keep things separate. Many women who have step children wish for the finances to be kept separate so that it is their husbands that are paying the child support with their own money. This is a personal choice that should be discussed before the nuptials. Resolving Feeling: Getting remarried may bring up old and painful feelings from your first marriage. We never completely stop loving people; we simply love them in a different way than we originally did. It is important for both you and your children to confront any emotions before remarriage. Their feelings are just as important, if not more so, then yours are. You also want your relationship with your ex spouse to be a healthy as possible so your children are as healthy as possible. Expect changes in parenting styles: Everyone has their one way of parenting. Talk with your future spouse about these sort of topics so you can work together as a team when it comes to the children. The Quality of Marriage Vs. The Quality of Parenting When a couple first gets married they may be so wrapped up in being in love that the children feel neglected. If they are already having difficulty managing their feelings about their mom/dad being in a new relationship, this will only add to their feelings of sadness and abandonment. Make sure that there is a certain time everyday that is just for you and your children. The new spouse can be inserted in that together time later- but in the beginning, they need to know that mom/dad is still on their side always. Step Parent/Step Child Relationships Being in a step family can be wonderful, but it can also present problems as well. How the step parent handles parental things may be quite different then how you or your ex spouse does. This is not as difficult when you remarry while the step child is at a young age because you kind of grow up along with them. However, coming into a step family that has a teenager can get messy since this is already a rebellious stage for a teen. The main thing is to help with the readjustment as best you can. Do not jump right into the “mom” or “dad” role. The best thing to do in the beginning is to form a friendly relationship. Relationships with children cannot be pushed as they are very fragile. When it comes to discipline, have a talk with the custodial parent to see how they think things should be handled. Different things work better for different families and no two are just alike. The Absent Parent The absent parent (the one which does not have the child living with them) should be included in the child’s life as much as possible. This will help keep the child emotionally balanced when a remarriage occurs. Research shows that when the absent parent visits consistently and stays active in their child’s life, the child is more likely to adjust to the remarriage better and more quickly. Otherwise, they will feel abandoned by the absent parent and the easiest person to blame for that is the step parent. Being a step parent myself, I have seen and experienced some of these things. However, after being married for 6 years I have an excellent relationship with my step children- with my step daughter in particular. For me, I know my place in their lives. When they are in my home, I am in charge…I am mom even though we all know that they have a mother. My step son is at the age where he wants to be with dad all the time. However, my step daughter is almost 16 and she is one of the few bright lights in my life. We got to this point in our relationship because I did not try to play the role of MOM. We are more like friends than parent/child but she knows that I can be MOM when she needs me to be. This is what worked for me. Find what works for you and do your best for your family.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad. No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss. Overcoming loss A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine. You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out. You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time? What will it be like to be alone? Will you ever find someone else, or even want to? Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling. Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it. Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses. Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them. Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it. Lessons learned From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience. To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup. As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Time becomes our taskmaster Living in a society where our time is invaded at every turn, whether from cell phones, faxes, computers, skype, IMs, text, or other signals crossing our sphere, burnout is a real concern. Burnout occurs when what you are doing, just doesn’t work for you anymore. Your once enthusiastic approach to a task now drains you, or feelings of apathy are more the norm, rather than hope and success. When juggling work, family and social lives, time can become our taskmaster instead of our friend. Finding balance in your life will liberate you, and allow you to overcome burnout. Signs of burnout Often, when burnout, people drive themselves harder to makeup for deficits emotionally, physical or otherwise. Denial that a problem exists is common; therefore, identifying signs of burnout is important to our emotional and physical health. Five signs of burnout: Irritability When a person feels out of control or unable to mange their life, work or family commitments as desired, they can become troubled. Often this is manifested in the form or irritation or aggravation. When burnout occurs, this state is more constant. You may lash out at co-workers or loved ones. Trouble sleeping Being stressed out and have multiple deadlines or unfinished business, can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sleep deprivation will cause you to perform poorly. Lack of energy As burnout creeps in, your energy level drops. A lack of caring or concern sets in, and productivity goes down the drain. Concentration issues Problems concentrating are common with burnout. When faced with overwhelming schedules and tasks, concentrating can be difficult. Emotional distress When someone is burnout, being overly emotional is common. For example, you may burst into tears over a seemingly minor incident. On the other hand, you can begin to isolate yourself, and show no emotion to varying circumstances. Either can lead to depression. Overcoming burnout Identifying burnout is only part of the solution. Overcoming burnout takes commitment and work on your part. Below are some practical solutions you can implement in your life to eliminate burnout, and enrich your life. Five steps to balance: Learn to say NO Over commitment is common, and a part of the reason people burnout. While it is important to please the boss, assess your current workload before saying yes to the next deadline. Perhaps you should allow someone else to drive the soccer team to and from games, or provide the snacks. Get moving Putting exercise in your schedule can make a world of difference. Exercise helps eliminate stress, clears the mind and keeps the body fit. Prioritize Assess what you are responsible for presently, and make a list. Evaluate and eliminate. Complete outstanding items that are most important or pressing, and delegate less important tasks to others as appropriate. Get support A healthy, happy life includes people we enjoy being around; those that bring joy and positive support to our lives. Identify the people that make up your support system. Others are in our lives to help us, co-workers, family, friends, clergy and counselors. Let go Learn to let go of things you cannot control. You cannot save the world. Let go of any guilt you may feel about not being able to do it all.