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Believe it or not, one common source of relationship problems is a pet. In fact, many couples find themselves arguing over their pets for numerous reasons. While these arguments may seem minor and not necessary to sit down and address, the reality is that they can, overtime, cause more major disagreements or problems. [More]

Where's the Love Gone? You don't know when it dawned on you that you and your partner were at odds with each other, avoiding the cues and rationalizing the disagreements, but at some point you realized, "Life is not so peachy any more." The peach days were vibrant- full of sweet exchanges, soft touches and loving gestures. You swore to yourself that there would never come a day when her touch wouldn't be electric, his quirky sense of humor adorable, and yet here you are. Wondering when the resentments started, where the affection went and when all those delightful habits suddenly became dull and bothersome. If your relationship sounds anything like the above, you're not alone. When couples are in gridlock, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay invested in the relationship and work through tough problems. At an impasse, couples are usually hurt, bitter, angry and resentful. It's important to remember that relationships naturally ebb and flow, struggling with various obstacles through all different stages of the relationship. According to the Seattle-based Gottman Institute,the average couple waits six years before seeking help for ongoing marital problems. Additionally, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years. This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long. Learning to identify when discord arises in your relationship will allow you to nip those disagreements in the bud early on, without the endless emotional baggage. So how can you rekindle the love in your relationship and learn to appreciate your partner's idiosyncrasies? The Gottman Institute suggests that by getting to know each other again, as if for the first time, allows for a fresh perspective to unfold. By making a routine of asking about your significant other's inner worldview- their dreams, hopes, aspirations and fears- will allow for space to emerge to reconnect with one another and allow your partner in on your ever-changing life story, so that the experience is shared for the both of you. In a committed relationship, the more you choose to weather the storm together instead of doing it alone, the closer and more connected you can become. Another way to strengthen your relationship is to turn towards your partner with affection. Couples often do what are called "bids for affection" (Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999). These bids happen instinctively; a natural process in order to receive satisfaction, love and support from one another. In newer relationships, these bids are exchanged frequently and freely- without thinking. Couples heightened awareness of each other at this stage makes it easy to spot those subtle cues and respond accordingly. If you learn to pinpoint when your partner is making a bid and can respond immediately to it, you create a space for trust, affirmation and deeper meaning of the relationship. Redefining your common interests, traditions and shared meanings about life add to the value and success of your relationship. Families have unique customs, traditions and rituals they innately create for themselves. A family's story is constantly being strengthened or re-storied to fit the needs and desires of their unique lifestyle. By recreating a shared meaning system, couples are less likely to have perpetual problems with potential gridlock and more likely to continue the building blocks for a more long-term, happy and connected family unit. This also happens inadvertently when you explore your partner's inner worldview and get familiar with their desires again. Relationships take time, investment and energy to stay strong. They are not static, but instead are constantly evolving. The key to keeping the love alive is to think of your relationship as a continuous narrative, with a surplus of endings. You and your significant partner are the authors- together developing, creating and changing the story to your liking along the way. Throwing assumptions out the door and recognizing that your ideas about life purpose, meaning and direction will shift and change, along with your spouse's, allows for more commitment to falling in love, over and over again. If you feel as though your relationship has been unusually tense lately with no resolve, remember to detect the warning signs of relationship crisis early on so you and your partner can make quick and effective changes to rebuild and strengthen your relationship for continued success.

Learning to speak another language takes time and effort, but the benefits outweigh the costs. A new language can grant you access to a new culture, open your mind to fascinating literature, allow you to explore a faraway city, and view the world from a different perspective. By learning Portuguese, you can learn to dance to Bossa Nova like an authentic Brazilian. By learning German, you can let your heart be moved by Mozart’s Singspiele. By learning French, you can read through first editions of Rousseau’s political theories. By learning Japanese, you can learn how to make authentic sushi. With more than 6,000 languages to choose from, your options are endless. Studying a foreign language not only enriches the quality of your life; it also improves the quality of your brain. Enhance Your Cognitive Skills In today’s competitive job market, it is essential to maximize your brainpower. Not only is speaking a second language often an advantage in the marketplace, but it can also improve the quality of your thinking. A study conducted at the University of Kentucky College of Medicine revealed that bilingual individuals could multitask faster than those who were monolingual.[1] Moreover, MRI scans showed that bilinguals used their brainpower more effectively. This research involved senior citizens, thereby showing that bilingualism has long-term benefits. By actively switching between languages throughout their lives, bilinguals tend to develop better cognitive flexibility. Researchers have also found that children in multilingual schools tend to perform better academically.[2] They even demonstrate a greater ease when studying music and math – both of which involve a new way of thinking, a new language For therapists, this means that learning a second language can actually improve your ability to think through complex psychological issues. Increase Your Sympathy According to Lynch, multilingual children tend to display social sympathy before monolingual children.[2] This is because multilingual children come to understand differences in perspective faster. They learn that their Italian-speaking friend might see the world differently than their Spanish-speaking friend, because they recognize differences in communication and culture. Moreover, multilingual children learn early on that they are not at the center of the world; rather, they are part of a complex society embedded with a multitude of tongues, expressions, dialects, cultural norms, and habits. When dealing with mental health issues, therapists need to sympathize with others, to be attentive listeners, and to try to understand where another person is coming from. The words someone chooses to tell his or her story are rich with meaning; they can help reveal his or her thought patterns, cultural heritage, and understanding of life. We all have unique personal stories, and it is often a challenge to communicate our past and present to another person, especially to a complete stranger. As such, therapy sessions should provide an open space that allows a client to express himself or herself fully. Therapy should give birth to a constructive dialogue that helps a client in a profound way, so that they can face the challenges that lay before them. Engage with the 21st Century Only 1 in 5 American students between Kindergarten and grade 12 study a second language at school.[3] However, it has become increasingly important to learn a language other than English. So, which language should you learn? Below are three suggestions, but by no means are they the only languages to consider learning. French French is the official language of 29 countries around the world, including, for instance, France, Canada, Switzerland, Senegal, Monaco, Luxembourg, Burundi, among many others. It is also the official language of the United Nations.[4] Especially for Canadian therapists, the French language can grant you access to a whole new demographic. Spanish For American therapists, Spanish is a highly beneficial language to learn, especially for those who work in New Mexico, Texas, and California. Health professionals and social workers are often encouraged to learn Spanish, as it allows them to communicate with Spanish-speaking patients and clients[5]. Worldwide, there are 322 million people who speak Spanish. It is also the official language of 21 countries, such as Chile, Colombia, Argentina, Spain, Panama, Peru, and Mexico. Chinese Mandarin Chinese Mandarin ranks first as the most spoken language, with 837 million speakers worldwide. Though it is only the official language of three countries – China, Singapore, and Taiwan – it is spoken in cities across the globe. After English, Chinese is considered to be the most useful language for business.[6] Learn a Language, Build Your Practice Learning a second language is an enriching experience. And for a therapist, it can be a wise way to expand your practice. Consider the benefits of offering counseling in more than one language. As our world becomes increasingly globalized, multicultural, and multilingual, take advantage of the opportunity to immerse yourself in a new way of thinking, a new way of communicating, and a new way of doing therapy. [1] Bates, C. January 9, 2013. Très bien! Speaking two languages from childhood keeps brain in good shape as we age. [online] Available at: <http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2259469/Speaking-languages-childhood-keeps-brain-good-shape-age.html> [2] Kluger, J. April 23, 2013. Understanding How the Brain Speaks Two Languages. Time. [online] Available at: < http://healthland.time.com/2013/04/23/bilingualism/> [3] 21st Century Skills Map. Partnership for 21st Century Skills. [online] Available at: < http://www.p21.org/storage/documents/Skills%20Map/p21_worldlanguagesmap.pdf> [4] 2013. Want to Learn a Language? Here Are the Top 5 Choices. College Stats. [online] Available at: <http://collegestats.org/articles/2013/04/want-to-learn-a-language-here-are-the-top-5-choices> [5] Crouse, D. 2013. Languages for Specific Purposes in the 21st Century. [online] Available at: < http://www.actfl.org/sites/default/files/pdfs/TLE_pdf/TLE_Apr13_Article.pdf> [6] Lauerman, J. August 30, 2011. Mandarin Chinese Most Useful Business Language After English. Bloomberg. [online] Available at: <http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-08-30/mandarin-chinese-most-useful-business-language-after-english-1-.html>

"What size? Extra large, please... At least that’s what I would order when buying my first thinking cap – if only increasing my brainpower was that simple." Good brains are prized commodities, as they can enhance the quality of our lives. As the most intelligent species on the planet,[1] we can think, analyze, problem-solve, invent, reflect, and create. Most of us were not endowed with as much artistic talent as Mozart or mathematical skill as Albert Einstein. But we still have the potential to increase our brainpower. The Obstacles 1. Culture of Ignorance Despite our thinking potential, we are plagued by obstacles. As pointed out by Albrecht, much of North America suffers from a culture of ignorance.[2] Critics claim the quality of education has generally decreased. I recall the day my political science professor delivered an angry speech that shook the speakers of our lecture hall. To his dismay, our undergraduate class could barely spell, write in full sentences, form coherent thoughts, or recall notable historical moments – not to mention think critically about political events. On top of that, oversized classes and lack of funding only made matters worse. Our generation is also blessed and cursed by advances in technology. [3] Though admirable in many respects, the Information Age is characterized by mental laziness. It is much easier to pull out my calculator than to recall my multiplication tables from grade school. 2. Instant Impatience We live in an instant society, where we expect instant results when addressing our problems.[4] If my bike breaks down, I can easily take it to a repair shop – rather than try to fix it myself. Expectations for instant results have made us into a highly impatient society. I recall the day when my sister and I went to Ikea, and the cash registers stopped working. People waiting in line were fuming with anger because the computer technicians took 20 minutes to solve the issue. Working out solutions takes time, and we need to give our brains and those of others breathing room to think clearly. 3. Passive Versus Active Thinking In our search for instant gratification, we also tend to prefer passive versus active thinking. Since the 1960s, television has become a dominant component of North American life. But this medium encourages passive thinking. Studies have shown that after watching more than 30 minutes of television, your thinking begins to resemble a state of hypnosis.[5] Though some television is more knowledge-based – such as current affairs programs, the news, or documentaries – most people prefer pure entertainment. In the US, the most-watched shows comprise largely of comedies, dramas, thrillers, and reality television.[6] In the 2012-2013 TV season, Sunday Night Football, The Big Bang Theory, and American Idol were some of the most popular shows. 4. Thinking With Emotion Emotions also blur our capacity to think rationally and reasonably. In a fascinating study, Westen combined psychology and cognitive neuroscience to analyze how Democrats and Republicans interpret political candidates’ speeches, campaign ads, and arguments in debates.[7] His research reveals that we are wired to think with our guts more than sound logic. This means politicians are able to manipulate our emotions without us realizing that our votes are often irrational. Note that the power of emotion to trump logic is not a recent phenomenon. Even in Ancient Greece, Plato noted an imbalance between emotion and reason. [8] The Potential Despite these obstacles to enhancing our brainpower, our minds have great potential. According to Minirth, we typically use only 5% of our mental capacity.[9] However, we can wire our brains to access the other 95%. We can learn to solve complex mathematical problems, envision social change, create artistic masterpieces, communicate profound wisdom, and, most importantly for readers of this blog, provide state of the art therapy to those seeking counseling. There are tools and tips on how to unlock the genius in you. And this is what this series of articles will explore. [1] 2010. Mammal Anatomy: An Illustrated Guide. Tarrytown, NY: Marshall Cavendish. [2] Albrecht, K. 1980. Brain Power: Learn to Improve Your Thinking Skills. New York: Firseide, pp. 1-2. [3] Ibid. [4] Ibid. [5] Albrecht, K. 1980. Brain Power: Learn to Improve Your Thinking Skills. New York: Firseide, pp. 5. [6] Schneider, M. 2013. “America’s Most Watched: The Top 25 Shows of the 2012-2013 TV Season.” TV Guide. [online] Available at: < http://www.tvguide.com/news/most-watched-tv-shows-top-25-2012-2013-1066503.aspx> [Accessed 7 July 2013]. [7] Westen, D. 2007. Political Brain: The Role of Emotion in Deciding the Fate of the Nation. New York: Perseus Books. [8] Ibid, pp. 63. [9] Minirth, F.B. 2007. A Brilliant Mind: Proven Ways to Increase Your Brainpower. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Publishing Group, pp. 1

Networking has a new meaning in today's job market... The Past In the past, some of the best insight into whether a person would be a good fit for a company has been personal interviews, positive personal references, IQ tests, and personality testing. In our technologically changing world, there are new ways to gather this sort of information. Social networking, data-mining, and even games and videos can be used to collect information about how people deal with various situations, how they multi-task, and even, to some degree, intelligence. [1] The Present The most popular vehicle for employers to seek insight into a candidate has been the professional networking site, LinkedIn. According to an article written by Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic and Christopher Steinmetz, LinkedIn offers the professional the personal reference through its use of the “Endorsements” feature. An employer looking for a candidate can now see the resume, and references, as well as interests before making contact with the candidate. This saves time in the hiring process. A 2012 study by psychologists Jamie Guillory and Jeffery Hancock at Cornell University found that public resumes on LinkedIn foster more honesty with regard to work experience than the tradition paper resume, because it is public, and can more easily be called to question by family and friends. However, interests or hobbies that are not known as objectively were not as honest. In addition to LinkedIn, there are several other ways an employer can seek information about a person. Looking at blogs, Facebook, and Twitter give a glimpse into a person’s character and interests, but can also create a bias based on looks, or interests that would not matter in the work environment, and would not come up in a face to face interview. The Future? New technology could take the social networking we currently use even further with data mining. Data mining is software used to derive insight to make evidenced-based decisions. Companies such as TweetPsych and YouAreWhatYouLike use Twitter and Facebook to create a personality profile for an individual based on the individual’s activity on those social networks with amazing accuracy. Psychologist Michal Kosinski of the University of Cambridge published an analysis suggesting that the accuracy is greater than 75% for predicting gender, sexual orientation, religion, and political preference. While the percentage is lower for personality traits and intelligence, it is still significantly accurate in estimating IQ and personality. [2] Another tool for networking is a video offered by companies like EnRecruit and Spark Hire, which asks candidates questions on video, and employers can evaluate their responses in private. This offers a time savings, and a standardized interviewing process. Additionally, gaming can also predict character traits through situational behavior. This engaging innovation allows a candidate to play a game that analyses their choices and categorizes job skills and personality traits. The company, Knack, bases personality profiles on research from behavioral scientists who have mapped certain responses in the game with job skills. As an example, the game “Wasabi Waiter” can measure many skills such as the ability to multi-task, and remember details. Reckitt Benckiser, a multinational consumer goods company, uses the game “Insanely Driven” to profile personality. Players must handle tough situations in a race that measures personality, ambition, sensitivity, and prudence. This game bases assessment on the five-factor model Hogan Personality Inventory. L’Oreal uses the game “Reveal” for its cosmetics company. This game is used to discover people based on the qualities such as Risk taking, analytical skills, and more. Additionally, there are databases that can assess what people are saying about an individual. These sites like Topsy and Klout can be used to see an individual’s influence on the world. Can This Innovation Shape the Job Market? There are pros and cons to all of this new technology. On one hand, employers can save time scheduling, and sifting through papers to find the perfect fit for their company. Candidates can avoid some of the anxiety of interviews, and loss of self-esteem from rejections. It streamlines the process of hiring, while making it a bit more evidence based. On the other hand, it also requires a loss of privacy for the person looking for a job. Companies would need access to the information that is normally private or protected by password. Another problem with the new technology is that people are not willing to give up that privacy in an age so tight on security. It also tends to limit the human contact even further than we have already in our gadget run world. Whether a job seeker wants to use the old resume and cover letter, or cutting edge new networking innovations, a career counselor can help research the best career match, based on a person’s individual qualities, and skills, as well as aid in finding the right tools for the job search in our ever changing job market. ________________________________________________________________ [1] Chamorro-Premuzic, Tomas, and Christopher Steinmetz. "The Perfect Hire." Scientific American Mind July-Aug. 2013: 43-47. [2] Kosinski, Michael, David Stillwell, and Thore Graepel. "Private Traits and Attributes Are Predictable from Digital Records of Human Behavior." Private Traits and Attributes Are Predictable from Digital Records of Human Behavior. PNAS, 11 Mar. 2013. Web. 06 July 2013.

I feel like I need to have a big sip of water, pat my belly, sigh, and sit back to digest…this book is getting good! Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries….DRUM ROLL PLEASE: Law of Sowing and Reaping: - God’s law on this is not punishment it is reality - When other people reap the consequences for someone else this is called “codependency” - People with no boundaries often interrupt this law Law of Responsibility: - This includes loving others - About being responsible ‘to’ and not for others - Not only giving but in the setting of limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behaviour - It is not good to rescue others from the consequences of their sin as you will only need to do it again Law of Power: - We need to admit we are powerless - We have the power to admit our faults, submit to God, ask for help, turn for help, humble ourselves and apologize when wrong Law of Respect: - We tend to judge other’s people’s boundaries - We need to respect the boundaries of others, in fact we need to love them - If we love and respect people who say no they will love and respect our no Law of Motivation: - We are often motived not by love but by fear of losing it - We need to check our motivations are they based on: fear of anger, fear of losing myself, guilt, payback, approval, over identification with other’s loss Law of Evaluation: - Hurt and harm are different - We need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to (not for) the other person - Need to evaluate the pain caused by our choices Law of Proactivity: - Proactive people show you what they love, what they stand for, what they want, and what they purpose - Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than finding yourself! Law of Envy: - Envy defines good as what I don’t poses - If we focus on what we don’t have we are not being responsible for what we do have - Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something (usually not what you are wanting) - take this to God Law of Activity: - Passivity can become an ally of evil if you do not resist it - God will match our efforts but he will never do the work for us - Trying, failing and trying again is called learning Law of Exposure: - Boundaries need to be made visible to others- they need to see them - Due to unexpressed boundaries relationships will suffer KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE CHAPTER: Boundaries do exist, they will affect us whether we communicate them or not (pg 103) The Ultimate Expression of Power is love (pg 98) We are called into freedom- this freedom results in gratitude and an overflowing heart(pg 94) More people suffer from trying to change others than any other sickness(pg 91) So here we are: the 10 Laws of Boundaries. Many of these seem so very obvious and others, well they are at work and I am sure as we open up we will see how we can work with them and not against them. Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Ah! Chapter 4: How Boundaries are Developed, finally something to chew on AND a reason to blame the folks! So here we go some stuff that starts to help me make sense of why I live with this skewed sense of boundaries and often so much guilt: Boundaries are built they are not inherited. In fact, boundary development is an ongoing process (whew!) yet the most formative stages happen in our early years! The Bible advises parents to, “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6) Specifically here the authors suggest the parents act as ‘partners’ in helping young children discover what God intended for them. In fact, they go on to say you cannot develop boundaries apart from supportive relationships with others and with God. You see, if we have our boundaries built on unsupportive or misdirected relationships our foundation is flawed… We desire connection and relationship- we were built for it- designed in God’s image for this very purpose. AND you see, many of us KNOW this in our hearts yet we have had a rocky foundation of trust and respect at best and then we have entered the world with the desire for connection and with our misguided and flawed ability to relate to others, ie when to say Yes and how to say No we get hurt. Hurt people, Hurt people… And so the cycle goes on- we seek approval- defy the healthy guidelines for boundaries and then guess what…we get HURT! The authors go through a very systematic and very psychological description of the stages of attachment and growth from about birth to three years. At which point there is a healthy separation and a coming back to parent as one’s own self. It is a very interesting read and ties some adult problems with various stages in this process- worth the read! By the age of three with healthy boundary construction the author’s summarize where our abilities should be at: We can be emotionally attached to others yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart Ability to say appropriate no’s to others without fear of loss Ability to take appropriate no’s from others without withdrawing emotionally AND this is where I get a BIG “F” in my boundary development. Not only was this not constructed as a child I would say when I was 16 or even 30 I was not able to do many of these important tasks! SO when did you last attach to someone but not in a codependent way? When did you NOT hesitate to say No due to the consequences it might entail? When have you been able to receive a NO and not “take it personally” and retreat? I want to leave us with one thought back to childhood- Discipline is a good thing! NOW how does that make you FEEL when you read that? Do you get a bit angry and self-righteous? Do you feel like BIG brother is looking over your shoulder? How were you disciplined? OR like myself NOT disciplined when you were young? Well God gives us some clear guidelines, now if you are not a bible believer that is okay; please take it with a grain of salt that MAYBE there is some good stuff in here and let’s listen to what we may learn from it: “My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.(Hebrews 12:8-11)

So I am still struggling with this material. I am finding it very heady and not so much about practical application at this time. Chapter three I think in the title sums up pretty much where I am at “Boundary Problems” And here is what they had to say. We assume the person who has trouble setting boundaries is the one with the problem but often it is the one who does not keep others boundaries who has issues There are Functional Boundaries referring to completion of tasks ie with time management , performance, and discipline There are Relational Boundaries which involves speaking the truth to others we are in relationship with. 4 types of Boundary Problems: 1) The Compliant: They cannot say “NO”, they feel guilty and or controlled by others and can’t set boundaries. These people melt into the demands of others. They may have had parents who taught boundaries were bad. Their spiritual and emotional radar is broken and they cannot guard their hearts. Fear stops the compliant from saying no. They will say yes to the bad because saying no will cause more guilt. 2) The Nonresponsive: Can’t say “YES”, they will set boundaries against responsibility to love. They may have a critical spirit or be very self-absorbed in their own issues. 3) The Controller: Can’t hear “NO”, they aggressively or manipulatively violate boundaries of others. No means maybe and maybe means yes. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives so they try to control others. They are actually emotionally isolated as people stay with them out of fear. 4) The Avoidant: Cannot hear “YES”. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others. They withdraw and do not ask for help. Their walls do not have gates they will not let anyone in. A Compliant Avoidant has reversed boundaries they have none where they need them and some where they should not be. So which type of boundary problems do you have? I would say for myself I actually have a bit of all. I think as I fail in one area I then pull out a new tactic. Overall, I would say I am a compliant and the guilt and shame associated with setting a boundary makes me feel selfish and not responsible. I know this is wrong and I do believe this is tied into my need to be validated. What I am saying is, if I were to set a boundary that someone may not like then I would risk…well…not being liked by them… Just look at this world we live in; it is set up on a structure of validation. Take Facebook for example, when was the last time you posted something and got a warm fuzzy when the number of “likes” grew. We live in a culture that teaches us to look "out" to get validation. I believe as we delve deeper into our boundary issues, we will see it comes down to self-worth…and we cannot tackle the issue of self-worth without looking to the One who created us and to see what He says about us…here a few nuggets to mediate on: We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4

An Uncomfortable and Necessary Journey:“Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend- Book Review Chapter 2 So as I sat down to read this chapter I actually felt the weight of the world falling in on me. I spent the day juggling a whole bunch of stuff that really was not my priority nor did it fulfil me. I experienced stress, anxiety, guilt, exhaustion, and physical pain in my back and shoulders as I went through my day and at the end of it I did not really get all I needed to done! Suffice to say, I think there are some internal boundaries with myself, my time, and my priorities which need to be highlighted in my life and then need to be sorted out… What is the saying, “It has to get worse to get better!” YUCK! So Chapter 2 on my journey to freedom, respect, and emotional health… (Remind you: I am a relatively integrated member of society, I am a professional, and I have good ties to my community and church- I am not a mess- I just have some muck to clean up) [WHEW: self-affirmation important here!] So Chapter two was packed with a whole bunch of info. Again, it actually felt very heavy and did not really take me closer to freedom- it was a bunch of definitions: “The Goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever present reality that can increase your love and save your life.” (Pg31) Some relevant facts about boundaries I found out were: A boundary show me where I end and where someone else ends We need to take responsibility for what is ‘ours’ Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out- our fences need gates in them God defines himself as a distinct, separate being and he is responsible for himself Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity and or oneness So here is the part that I think I needed most to hear and need to apply in my life. The authors propose 2 reasons why we need others to help with our boundaries. You see, if you are anything like me when it gets to a sensitive area of your life that you need ‘help’ in or need to make changes in, I actually pull away from others. I tend to think, “Oh me and God; we got this one covered…”, when in actual fact God has designed us to be in relationship with Him and with others…in fact, as the authors suggest the #1 reason we need others to help us grow in boundaries is that our most basic need in life is for relationship the second reason we need others on this journey is that we need new input and teaching. Earlier in the chapter there was a story about how a son who seemed to lack boundaries and yet it was the parents who had not put good solid boundaries in place. Now who is going to change? Would the son somehow see how his life of irresponsibility needs to change OR would the parents all of the sudden put rules into place to help this boundary-less family survive?- AND where are they going to get the insight about how to do this?- FROM OTHER PEOPLE!!! Now I am not suggesting you take advice about boundaries from anyone- in fact, I would actually suggest you have an established relationship with a mentor, head of ministry, or a counselor who can help to speak truth into your life as well as support you when the old patters you are challenging come up and when the guilt or shame wants to haunt you to tell you, you are being selfish- when really you are finally taking a stand for what is right and what is healthy. During this chapter I realized more clearly how my well intentioned mother actually enabled me to have unhealthy boundaries- I would say most of my life (this is not a dump on mom thing I promise) . You see my well intentioned mother protected me from natural consequences as well as knit together a boundary-less relationship with me that would FULLY qualify as co-dependant. What she did was unbiblical and has equipped me for a life of guilt, being overworked, and never trusting too quickly and then getting hurt… So Chapter two did not really hit me with any great ah ha’s BUT I will tell you… I have started Chapter 3 and I think that is where the magic will start to happen! Here’s to healthy relationships, less guilt, and freedom from the “must do’s” I know we all have!

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~George Santayana As a huge history buff, I want so much for my children to have a love for it as well. To me, history tells a story much better than fiction and teaches us to better understand the world around us. The questions “who are we” and “where did we come from” are answered through history. These are important questions in defining the world as we know it and understanding the worldviews of others. There are many places I want to be able to take my children for this purpose. These places are good for family fun and make history something that is enjoyable to young minds. Hopefully, they will inspire a love of history for my children and yours as well. Charleston, South Carolina Charleston, South Carolina is brimming with history. This is a perfect vacation spot to learn about a very important part of our nation’s history, catch some sun on the beautiful beaches and get a great seafood meal. Charleston is where the Civil War began. The first shot was fired from Fort Sumter, which is visible from Battery Park. You and your family can get on the ferry boat and cruise over to the fort for a tour. This can be an exciting for children, especially if they have never been on a ferry ride. The fort is in excellent condition and has been preserved very well. The tour will make this era come alive for both children and adults, making all involved want to know more of the history surrounding Charleston and the Civil War. In addition to the tour of Fort Sumter, there are several homes and plantations in Charleston that can make history touch your child’s mind. The best one that I experienced as a child was Boone Hall Plantation. Here you will tour the main house on the plantation. It contains most of the original furniture and has the slave quarters intact for exploring as well. (The history of slavery in the United States has always been of interest to me since being introduced to it in Charleston.) The tours are given by people in period dress, making it fun for children and allowing them to really experience that time in history. To inspire your child’s love for history, Charleston is a must. Salem, Massachusetts Many children love witches, ghosts and goblins. This is why Salem is the perfect place to take a vacation if you want to get them into history. Massachusetts was one of the original 13 colonies so it has much history to share. Here your child can learn about the Puritan people, their way of life and what it was like to live in Massachusetts during the 1600’s. They may be especially interested in the Salem Witch Trials that took place in 1692. There are several places in Salem to learn about this time in history but the most visited is the Salem Witch Museum. There you will find out about the bleak time in history where regular people were accused of being supernatural beings and being put to death for their “crimes”. The most compelling feature of this museum is the stage show that is given. It is a dramatic showing and really pulls you back into history. As a child I remember reading the book about the Witch Trials and being so taken with the history that I had to know more. Most children enjoy stories about witches so Salem is the perfect place to show them their real part in history. Washington, D.C. Our nation’s capital is a great place to get your children involved in history. There are so many things to do that can spark their interest in the past and keep them wanting to learn more. One must see in D.C. is the Smithsonian Museum. It would be more accurate to say museums as there are 19 separate sites for the Smithsonian. The museum of American history is a fantastic collection of history that will excite your children’s minds. Here they can see our first president’s uniform, Thomas Jefferson’s lap desk and the ruby slippers worn by Dorothy herself in the movie the Wizard of Oz. They will also see historic items left behind by first ladies’, original machines that were built for communication, items from everyday domestic homes and pieces of original military history. You can then head over to the air and space museum and learn about air travel, starting with its birth. The very first plane constructed by the Wright Brothers in on display and is a big hit with children. Space travel is also well illustrated and the night sky can come to life in the show seen in the planetarium. From American history to the American Indian Museum and the history of space travel to the history of motor car travel, you can spend a week going through all the collections contained within the halls of the Smithsonian buildings. Looking back, I can honestly say that this location was the top inspiration I had for falling in love with history. But, the museums are not place to go for historic inspiration. The White House and the Lincoln Memorial are also fantastic places to visit. These tell the story of our nation’s birth and history in a way that one will never forget. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Even though Washington, D.C. is our nation’s capital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is the birthplace of America herself. This is the place where the founding fathers of our country lived and the place where the Declaration of Independence was signed. If you want your children to really understand how the country was born, this is the place to go. One of the coolest attractions for your child in this town is The Liberty Bell. The history of the bell will be explained right down to the visible crack in its side and why it is an important symbol for America. Your next stop should be Independence Hall. Here you will get the tour of a lifetime. Guides dressed in period clothing will take you through the hall where the Declaration of Independence was signed and re-enact that important day in history. Finally, you should not miss Franklin Court. This is the spot in which Benjamin Franklin’s home stood. Though it was burned to the ground long ago, there is a steal framed outline where the house once sat and a post office in which you can send someone special a post card that has the hand stamped post mark made with the original stamp belonging to Franklin himself. How many children can say that they held Benjamin Franklin’s post mark stamp in their very own hands? The places I have spoken of are a few of the many historic places that your children will love. You do not even have to leave your own state to find history that will inspire your children. History is everywhere. If travel is not possible, begin in your own town’s historic society. Learning about the history of your own town can get that spark going. Once this happens the flame will grow and your children will hunger for more information from the past.