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Remembrance day is a chance for us all to reflect on our heroes. This heartfelt story gives us an important reason why it is good for us to remember. [More]

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It was a typical Thursday. I was tucked away in my room and..... [More]

No matter how legitimate the grievance, harboring resentment does neither you nor the relationship any good. So what do you do when that old hurt keeps rearing its ugly head? [More]

Women often deal with jealousy different than men. And when one woman is jealous of another woman, this can lead to hardship. Here are some things to consider in restoring everyone involved. [More]

No relationship is perfect, and it's normal to want things to change for the better. But nagging almost never does the trick, and here is why. FB COMMENT: A relationship takes two people, and we all want to get our way at times. But when does persistence turn into nagging and why is it so harmful to a relationship? Therapist Casey Truffo, LMFT shares her valuable insight. [More]

Believe it or not, one common source of relationship problems is a pet. In fact, many couples find themselves arguing over their pets for numerous reasons. While these arguments may seem minor and not necessary to sit down and address, the reality is that they can, overtime, cause more major disagreements or problems. [More]

Elizabeth’s Story I have known Elizabeth for a number of years. Outwardly she gives the impression of being a very quiet, gentle and passive woman. I had never heard her disagree with anyone. She is generous, fair minded and loving towards everyone. She approached me a while back as she was receiving disturbing dreams and felt that her whole life was being shaken. She was experiencing a high degree of anxiety and depression. Her relationship with her husband was unfulfilling and her job as a nurse was not any better. All around she was in a desperate state. Her mother lived with her and that relationship was also confining. Physically her anxiety and stress manifested itself as a systemic yeast infection. She was extremely tired and had little energy and was fearful about what her dreams presented. I learned that Elizabeth’s background included an alcoholic father who had physically abused both her and her mother. She was an only daughter and a woman who never really became separated emotionally from her mother. Elizabeth never remembered disagreeing with her mother: she was a quiet, submissive child who grew into a quiet submissive woman. There were two qualities which I deeply admired in her. Above and beyond all her pain, she was willing to commit herself to a long and arduous task of self discovery. It was her courage and determination to walk this narrow path and to become a better person which influenced my decision to become her companion along her journey. In the beginning she had many dreams of her childhood. It was as if she had to go back and relive her youth for the purpose of healing. She was invited to enter into her dreams and unlock whatever pain lived there. No moving forward could happen until she accomplished this process. Our memories carry the burdens of the past which weigh heavily on the present. That is why it is so important to go back and discover the root of one’s pain. No real progress can be made unless past issues and conflicts are resolved. A purgation of the ego and persona and a stripping of its’ attachments are prerequisites for any movement towards the center of one’s true self. Old attitudes must be released and purified in order to clear the way for the journey inward and the discovery of one’s true self. Self-knowledge requires this intense confrontation with the darkness within. The passage from the unknown to enlightenment demands discipline and great courage. As Elizabeth moved through the dreams of her childhood, much sadness was released through our work together. Active imagination and focusing with her body’s response to pain was part of the process of her healing. Experiencing the state of the child within was a powerful vehicle for the release of her suffering. Then one day she came to me with the following dream: “My husband is raping me and I feel much oppression. In another room I hear a baby cry and I go to find it because it needs to be fed.” We worked with the images from the dream. Elizabeth re-entered the dream and I asked her to be with and experience the feelings of oppressiveness and fear. After a while I asked her to remember times in her life when she felt very sure of herself; when she felt she was in control of her life and when she felt loved. With these positive feelings she replayed the dream, only this time she went to her husband and told him all that was in her heart. He started to cry and she realized he too was in pain. Then she focused on the baby and went to the room where the baby was crying. She picked her up and comforted her reassuring the baby that she would not abandon her again. She placed the baby in a special place in her home. This represented for her a deep part of herself: an inner child which she had neglected, some innate potential which was associated with her power as a developing woman. In the dream, the baby was crying. In order for the baby to stop crying or in order for her to stop hurting, the baby had to be fed. In other words, Elizabeth had to take care of her own needs and she had to feed that which cried out from the depths of her spirit: her Self. She decided she would focus on trying to bring peace and order within herself rather than attempting to focus on her relationships around her. Peace begins within and Elizabeth agreed that if she would arrive at some ego strength and inner harmony, this would have an effect on her outer life. A few weeks later she came to me with the following dream: “ I am in a room; there are horses there and suddenly a woman enters the room. She has a gun and is pointing it at me. I am petrified.” A horse is a powerful symbol of one’s life energy. The woman who is threatening Elizabeth with a symbol of power “the gun” is a part of her Shadow. When one attempts to integrate inner forces there is always resistance, for in a sense the forces must give up their power to the developing personality. In active imagination, I guided Elizabeth to the woman and asked her to befriend her. Elizabeth told her she needed her and her power to help her gain control of her life. After some time the woman, whom Elizabeth named Mira “after her own middle name” agreed to help. Then Mira helped Elizabeth ride one of the horses and although awkward she felt very good. Then she had the following dream which frightened her to the point of tears: “A dark, ugly, half human thing is in the corner of my room. I am so repulsed by this creature yet I realize it must be cared for. I place it in my bed and try to comfort it yet I can barely look at it as it is so horrible.” Finally, that which was buried within the depths of her psyche was released into the light. Although she felt that she had slipped backwards, I knew this dream was a giant breakthrough for her healing. During the time we were working together she compared her life to a tunnel like place which was dark and constricting. It was as if Elizabeth was in a place of nowhere and she could no longer depend on the past securities yet she could not imagine a vision of where she was going. This in between place is compared to a birth canal; Elizabeth was in a time of waiting, a time of transition and a time of the unknown. Now she had met her darkness, her shadow side which repulsed her. This half human creature symbolized all that she had formally denied. It comprised the feminine power of Mira, the anger at being put down by others whom which she had never made contact with and the underlying potential need for her developing personality. However ugly, Elizabeth realized it needed her to care for it and so she gave it a place of rest in her bed. She attempted to welcome it as part of her and in this act was the essence of transformation. Just as the princess who kisses the repulsive frog in the “The Frog Prince” gave life to a part of herself, so too Elizabeth gave life to herself in the integration of her Shadow. As she stepped back into the dream, I asked her to move towards her creature. With great courage she looked into the monster and her fear changed as Elizabeth felt the creature was no longer threatening. It was full of sadness. She went to it – her – and embraced her and named her Mary. She promised she would never leave her again and never reject her own self. The sadness thus represented that part of her true self that had been denied, raped or rejected by Elizabeth. Elizabeth realized that the violent figures she had dreamed of, such as the rapist, were part of her and she accepted the idea that she violated her own being in subtle ways as the dreams had shown. By embracing those aspects of herself, she began to integrate them slowly: a process which is part of a life long journey. “A man has many skins in himself, covering the depths of his heart. Man knows so many other things; he does not know himself. Why, thirty or forty skins or hides, like an ox’s or a bear’s, so thick and hard, cover the soul. Go into your own ground and learn to know yourself.” – Meister Eckhart

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

I feel like I need to have a big sip of water, pat my belly, sigh, and sit back to digest…this book is getting good! Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries….DRUM ROLL PLEASE: Law of Sowing and Reaping: - God’s law on this is not punishment it is reality - When other people reap the consequences for someone else this is called “codependency” - People with no boundaries often interrupt this law Law of Responsibility: - This includes loving others - About being responsible ‘to’ and not for others - Not only giving but in the setting of limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behaviour - It is not good to rescue others from the consequences of their sin as you will only need to do it again Law of Power: - We need to admit we are powerless - We have the power to admit our faults, submit to God, ask for help, turn for help, humble ourselves and apologize when wrong Law of Respect: - We tend to judge other’s people’s boundaries - We need to respect the boundaries of others, in fact we need to love them - If we love and respect people who say no they will love and respect our no Law of Motivation: - We are often motived not by love but by fear of losing it - We need to check our motivations are they based on: fear of anger, fear of losing myself, guilt, payback, approval, over identification with other’s loss Law of Evaluation: - Hurt and harm are different - We need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to (not for) the other person - Need to evaluate the pain caused by our choices Law of Proactivity: - Proactive people show you what they love, what they stand for, what they want, and what they purpose - Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than finding yourself! Law of Envy: - Envy defines good as what I don’t poses - If we focus on what we don’t have we are not being responsible for what we do have - Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something (usually not what you are wanting) - take this to God Law of Activity: - Passivity can become an ally of evil if you do not resist it - God will match our efforts but he will never do the work for us - Trying, failing and trying again is called learning Law of Exposure: - Boundaries need to be made visible to others- they need to see them - Due to unexpressed boundaries relationships will suffer KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE CHAPTER: Boundaries do exist, they will affect us whether we communicate them or not (pg 103) The Ultimate Expression of Power is love (pg 98) We are called into freedom- this freedom results in gratitude and an overflowing heart(pg 94) More people suffer from trying to change others than any other sickness(pg 91) So here we are: the 10 Laws of Boundaries. Many of these seem so very obvious and others, well they are at work and I am sure as we open up we will see how we can work with them and not against them. Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

So I am still struggling with this material. I am finding it very heady and not so much about practical application at this time. Chapter three I think in the title sums up pretty much where I am at “Boundary Problems” And here is what they had to say. We assume the person who has trouble setting boundaries is the one with the problem but often it is the one who does not keep others boundaries who has issues There are Functional Boundaries referring to completion of tasks ie with time management , performance, and discipline There are Relational Boundaries which involves speaking the truth to others we are in relationship with. 4 types of Boundary Problems: 1) The Compliant: They cannot say “NO”, they feel guilty and or controlled by others and can’t set boundaries. These people melt into the demands of others. They may have had parents who taught boundaries were bad. Their spiritual and emotional radar is broken and they cannot guard their hearts. Fear stops the compliant from saying no. They will say yes to the bad because saying no will cause more guilt. 2) The Nonresponsive: Can’t say “YES”, they will set boundaries against responsibility to love. They may have a critical spirit or be very self-absorbed in their own issues. 3) The Controller: Can’t hear “NO”, they aggressively or manipulatively violate boundaries of others. No means maybe and maybe means yes. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives so they try to control others. They are actually emotionally isolated as people stay with them out of fear. 4) The Avoidant: Cannot hear “YES”. Sets boundaries against receiving care of others. They withdraw and do not ask for help. Their walls do not have gates they will not let anyone in. A Compliant Avoidant has reversed boundaries they have none where they need them and some where they should not be. So which type of boundary problems do you have? I would say for myself I actually have a bit of all. I think as I fail in one area I then pull out a new tactic. Overall, I would say I am a compliant and the guilt and shame associated with setting a boundary makes me feel selfish and not responsible. I know this is wrong and I do believe this is tied into my need to be validated. What I am saying is, if I were to set a boundary that someone may not like then I would risk…well…not being liked by them… Just look at this world we live in; it is set up on a structure of validation. Take Facebook for example, when was the last time you posted something and got a warm fuzzy when the number of “likes” grew. We live in a culture that teaches us to look "out" to get validation. I believe as we delve deeper into our boundary issues, we will see it comes down to self-worth…and we cannot tackle the issue of self-worth without looking to the One who created us and to see what He says about us…here a few nuggets to mediate on: We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. Ephesians 1:4