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By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Relationships, hormones and pressures Teenage years are challenging for the teen and parents. Maintaining an open and communicative relationship with your teen is vital as they move through adolescence. Hormonal changes, mood swings and peer pressure are a part of the growth process, however, it is important to be aware of subtle, and overt signs that trouble may be on the horizon. While some unusual behavior is normal with teens, knowing your teen--how they generally react and interact with you--will help in identifying potential problems. Red Flags Following are signs to watch for that may indicate your teen is headed down the wrong path. Isolation: During adolescence, a teenager typically distances themselves a bit more than before from family. Yet, if your teen is avoiding your advances toward conversation and interaction, there may be a problem. If they spend more time away from home or alone, locked in their room, a red flag should go up. This can be an indication of drug use or depression. Sudden weight loss and/or appetite change: This behavior is indicative of peer and social pressures to look a certain way. An eating disorder, depression or drug use can be at the root of this conduct. Extreme mood swings: Mood swings are a common thing with teens. Therefore, it is a bit more difficult to discern what is problematic and what is normal. However, knowing your teens normal reactions will assist you follow up accordingly. This behavior could be a sign of social problems; hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meet your teen’s friends and their parents. Know who they are spending their time with and what values their parents hold dear. Declining grades or lack of interest in school/activities: Since teens have so much on their minds, at times, a lack of interest in school work could be chalked up as normal. However, if their grades are falling sharply, they are cutting classes and pulling out of activities once enjoyed, it is time to check-in. Get to know your teen’s teachers and find a way of communicating with them on a regular basis. Be involved in your adolescence education and school activities. Motivation issues: If your once spunky teen suddenly begins to seem more tired, and uninterested in hobbies and former friends, they could have a problem with substance abuse. They could be depressed or feeling isolated and alone. Talk with them, let them know you care. Be available to listen, love and offer advice, if needed. Get Involved If your teen is showing signs of unusual behavior, it is the parents’ responsibility to get to the bottom of what is going on. A child wants to know you are concerned and interested, even if they do not act like it. It may feel like to you that you are spying on them or invading their privacy when checking up on them. Press forward, as it could mean the difference between life and death.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Bullying: a new epidemic? Bullying is becoming an epidemic in our schools, cyberspace, parks and other areas where kids hang out. Its affect on children can be lasting, even following them into adulthood. It is vital to deal with bullying swiftly and lovingly. The times of a simple trip in the isle, just for the fun of it, between friends has passed. Today children are faced with far more intimidating tactics. Often, kids are attacked while others look on, without going for, or helping the victim. Children are often afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of retaliation. Know the signs Identifying the signs of bullying is a key element in protecting your child, and keeping them safe. Your child’s behavior will offer tell-tale signs bullying may be occurring. Following are a few things to watch for: Lack of appetite Decreased interest in school/social activities Few, if any close friends Trouble sleeping Stomach aches and other ailments Unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes Missing or damaged personal items Anxiety Isolation How you can help If you notice you child manifesting any, or a number of these behaviors, it is time to talk--reach out with a kind, loving arm. Get as many details as you can about the bullying incidents. They may be reluctant to speak to you about the situation at first. Often this is because of misplaced blame or shame. It is important to reassure your child they are safe. Express how much you want to help them overcome this situation. They are likely not the only child being harassed by the bully. Talk with school officials, such as the counselor, principal or other significant policy makers about the danger your child is facing. Be persistent, and follow up. Ensure changes are made to eliminate the threat. Furthermore, depending on the type of abuse your child is being subject to, criminal charges may be in order. Talk to your child about how to handle the bullying. Encourage them to remain calm when confronted. Tell them to be firm when they speak to the aggressor. Offer suggestions of what they may say, such as: “Stop what you are doing right now.” Stress the importance of walking away. Never encourage aggression, or similar bad behavior. Encourage your child to make friends with people in his class. Children should walk in pairs or small non-threatening groups. Especially when going to the bathroom, lunch, playground and other potentially isolated areas. General rule of thumb Monitor your child’s activity. Such as, know who their friends are, and be involved as much as you can in their lives. Be careful of what you allow your children to watch on television and videos. Behavior breeds behavior, and violence can lead to violence. Computers are a way of life these days. As such, the newest form of bullying or threat can come from the internet. As much, if not more, as you would monitor what your children read and watch, the same should apply to the internet. Cyber bullying has lead to mental breakdowns, violent acts, sexual assaults, murder and suicide. Any type of bullying has this potential. If suppressed, an individual can move through life harboring a lot of resentment, guilt and shame. Knowing when to intervene and get professional help is paramount. It can eliminate or assist in treating more complicated mental conditions, such as anxiety disorders, resulting from bullying.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Making a Genius? As parents we want our children being the smartest, brightest and most well-behaved child on the block. Over ten years ago, Walt Disney released a series of “educational” videos entitled, Baby Einstein. They were a hit almost instantly. Parents everywhere were wanting them, hoping these video babysitters would magically make their toddlers stand-outs among their peers. Moreover, a desire that a mindset would be developed in their child, leading them to a genius status. Each video covers different topics through the use of colors and classical music. Their focus is to assist our children learn about life, and the things that surround us in our world. Scenes are introduced with a small amount of narrative from a soft, smooth voiced narrator. Scenes move quickly, changing subject matter often. This process is something that experts from the American Medical Association relate, is hard for toddlers to follow. No Way to Learn The Baby Einstein video series has long been touted as a learning source for infants and toddlers. Thought by the populace to have increased the vocabulary and intellect of children, the Einstein videos have come under fire in recent years. Research from the University of Washington (2007) revealed that children who watched the Baby Einstein videos had not excelled in social skills, or vocabulary. In fact, youngsters who began watching the videos early on had a more limited vocabulary than their peers. The study shows that the videos effect on children has been more harmful than helpful. Educational Claim Debunked The bottom line is that the Baby Einstein videos have failed to educate toddlers, as many parents assumed. That said, controversy swirls between the public and representatives for the Einstein videos as to what should be, or have realistically been, expected from DVDs. Still considered “educational” videos, the company now maintains they are designed to be used as interactive tools. However, the website’s original claim indicated the series was designed as an introduction to words and sign language. Currently, the Baby Einstein website offers their philosophy. In part it reads: “…intent was to create products that offered interactive experiences for her and her daughter to discover the world together. While Baby Einstein has grown over the years, this same philosophy is at the heart of everything that we do. All of our products are designed to encourage discovery and inspire new ways for parents and little ones to interact.” Refunds and Reconsiderations The controversy, stemming from the research studies outing the Baby Einstein DVDs ineffectiveness, caused Walt Disney Company to make a radical move. They began offering refunds late 2009. The Baby Einstein DVDs covered in the refund offer were those purchased between June 5, 2004 and Sept. 4, 2009. Einstein officials now claim a child will discover more through the videos when a parent or another is present. Leaving a child alone in front of a television or DVD, of any kind, has proved damaging in development, according to the American Medical Association. Experts from the American Academy of Pediatrics report that interaction with your child is the way the youngster will learn.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Before “I do” Marriage is a big step; a leap of faith, a commitment. Faith for your future; that it will be bright, prosperous and secure. You are committing to stand together through thick and thin, health and wealth, sickness and poverty. Moreover, you are committing to each other for life, as partners, forsaking all others. That is why premarital counseling is vital.Life is full of problems and unexpected ends. We may think we are prepared to take on all it offers--together--yet we are individuals. Knowing one another very well is not enough. Until living together in matrimony, it is impossible to see all aspects of each individual’s response to life’s situations. Traversing the terrain of life together is much like that of a team who climbs mountains together. The ropes that bind them together are essential in keeping them alive. It takes practice, teaching and patience to learn how to attempt the unknown together. Premarital counseling Premarital counseling can help with identifying problem areas that might exist prior to marriage. In fact, some states require premarital counseling prior to marriage. Some of the issues addressed in counseling are: financial management and decisions parental issues expectations of each other employment roles and responsibilities religion and spirituality family involvement and activities hobbies and interests friends It is important to ensure you each have realistic expectations of one another. To think that things will magically fall in place is unrealistic. Addressing these and other significant issues can get your marriage off on a more stable footing. He said she said Resolving conflicts in a marriage requires certain skills, and is another reason for premarital counseling. “Fair fighting” is imperative in a marriage, and seeking counsel prior to marriage, will prove beneficial in these areas. Counselors will offer various coping and negotiation skills necessary to ensure successful conflict resolution within your marriage. The Counselor Premarital counseling is generally facilitated by trained family therapists, and often, clergy. The counselor will assist you as a couple to identify potential or existing problem areas. This is accomplished as you discuss with your counselor, the more common issues of a marriage, as mentioned earlier. Sitting down with a counselor and having these discussions prior to marriage, will help bring clarity and definition to your relationship. Premarital counseling offers invaluable tools that will assist you protect one of the most important blessings of your life. We go to great lengths to protect our worldly goods and things important to us. Your marriage should be protected in the same way. Who should go Couples who have never been married or involved in a long-term partnership should attend premarital counseling. Furthermore, anyone who has been married before, having it end in divorce, should also attend counseling prior to remarriage. People with children should seek counseling before saying I do, as it can be difficult blending families. Successfully blending a family takes skill and effort, as well as, a lot of love and patience. Premarital counseling can help you navigate these tricky waters.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor The Pink Slip Losing a job is very stressful for a family. The emotional impact it has on the husband or wife can be very different. Both may feel depressed and anxious as a result of the loss. Self-esteem and worthiness issues are common. These factors, combined with the financial implications resulting from a spouse’s job loss, place a strain on a marriage. However, exercising solid coping skills during this transitional time can lead to a successful outcome. Time to process It is important to give your spouse time to process what has happened and get a handle on the future. Often our job defines us--reinforces our worth to our family and others. While our self-worth should be shaped by other measures, our job plays an important role in our lives. Due to the financial strain resulting from a job loss, the natural response from both parties is to get a job as soon as possible. However, finding a new job can take time. During this time, sensitivity and careful response is essential in supporting your spouse. Encouraging words and conversations about other things can help ease any tension that money issues can cause in a marriage. Avoid picking out jobs for your spouse. As well meaning as this approach seems, it often backfires. They may begin to feel you have lost faith or trust in their abilities to manage their affairs properly. Questions about how the unemployed spouse spent their time during the day may be offensive. It is important to be aware of trigger points that may spark conflict. A person may lash out because they feel inadequate or are depressed. As important as processing time and feelings of the unemployed spouse are, so are those of others involved. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor during this time. A counselor can help you identify the unique feelings and stressors experienced during a time of loss. They can offer feedback and coping skills you may not have considered previously. Reach out to friends and family that may have experienced a similar situation. Ask them how they managed the process. Fear and Finances A financial plan is an imperative step in eliminating fear and uncertainty of the future. The plan should be developed to encompass at least three months that follow the unemployment. Together, determine what you can cut back on, or live without. Big changes should be considered carefully. Remember, the situation is not permanent. Your spouse may be eligible for unemployment compensation. This benefit can be very helpful when facing job loss. Consulting a financial advisor or counselor may be necessary in some cases. However, cutting back on special perks or extras can trim a budget quite a bit. The Bottom Line At the end of the day, your marriage and relationship with one another is more important than anything else. Be kind to one another. Talk about your spouses good qualities, compliment them. Take notice of the extra help you are likely receiving around the home, or in other areas of your life. You will likely come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before.

By Debra Bacon Theravive.com Contributor Great News Remember the first time you were expecting a child; you couldn’t wait to tell everyone! Now another baby is on the way. The excitement is just as fierce as the first time, but there is more to consider than sharing the news with friends and extended family. Big brother or sister must be prepared for the “new” baby’s arrival. Telling your child becomes as big a responsibility as other preparations of the upcoming birth. The child has been accustomed to being the focus of mom and dad’s love and attention. To have this focus shared with another is usually upsetting for the sibling to be. Often parents will wait until the last few months of the pregnancy to tell the child about their sibling’s birth. The pregnancy is more stable, and it is getting closer to the time of delivery. Moreover, children’s concept of time is not as refined as adults. They can better understand seasons more than weeks or months, depending on their age. No Longer the Baby, but a Sibling Prepare your child in ways they can understand. For example, if one of their playmates has had a baby born into their family recently, use the situation as an example. Following are some tips to help a child prepare for the birth of a sibling: Tell them the new baby will be coming home with you from the hospital, and will be living with all of you as a family. Explain how the child can help in the process of caring for the infant. Let them know the importance of an older sibling’s role in the family. Use age appropriate books to help the child understand what it means to be a brother or sister. How they interact and help each other, share things; even their parents. Include the child in the plans for the baby’s room, if appropriate. Talk to them about some names you are considering. The Hospital and Birth Ensure your child knows you will be in the hospital for a few days and that it is normal. This will help eliminate anxiety they may experience about your safety and health. Talk about where they will be staying during this time, and how they can come and visit you while there. Plan for your child to visit you and the baby at a time specifically designed for the immediate family only. Introduce them to their new sibling and allow them to touch and possibly hold them with assistance, if appropriate. Have the other parent care for the newborn while you spend time focused on your child, to answer any questions they may have, or just have quality time together. We’re Home When bringing the baby home, make it a celebration where the big brother or sister is involved. Allow them to lead you and the baby to their new room, and show them around, or offer the baby a gift they have made for them. If the child is not interested there is not a need for concern. Change takes time and they will come around. Since your schedule will be interrupted with the newborns needs, take advantage of times where you can spend uninterrupted time with the newborns sibling. During feeding times, make sure your child has toys or other items of interest, so that they are entertained. This will help in keeping them from feeling they are not involved, or are left out. With time, the schedule will begin to flow and the family will take on its new shape.

By Carlton Brown, M.Sc., M.Div., RMFT Today was a statutory holiday where I live. We have this thing called Family Day, which I thought was just a Canadian thing but according to Wikipedia is a holiday in South Africa, Alberta, Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Prince Edward Island, Arizona, Vanuatu, Vietnam, and part of Australia. Not unlike the postmodern family, no one really seems to know what Family Day is about or agree on whether even to recognize it. The day, just like its namesake, has no “One size fits all.” My one daughter seemed to think that Family Day meant that you were supposed to stay with your family and that if you didn’t then at least you should feel guilty about it. “Happy Family Day, Dad,” she said as she slunk out of the car and into her friend’s house. Robert Beavers in his 1981 Successful Marriage said that guilt was good if it lasted less than five minutes and led to a change of behaviour. No joy here. Rather she reminded me of a couple I saw once. Both had had affairs - but the woman felt justified because she felt more guilty about her affair than her husband did about his. But I encouraged to her go, actually. She is at that age where she is supposed to be leaving my family, and thinking about starting a family of her own. The more time she spends with her friends, the better - and the more time I have for napping, or reading. The other daughter of mine felt that Family Day was an offense, falling, as it does, immediately after Valentine’s Day. “Valentine’s Day for love, and Family Day for what? To remind you of what can happen to you if you have too much love? Yuck!” She called today another name that I will not bother to repeat. But she too used the time to reconcile and reunite with friends. Elizabeth Carter and Monica McGoldrick wrote (1989) The Changing Family Life Cycle to remind us that families are not static. At the very least, they evolve, from couples, to couples with young children, to kids in school, to teenagers, to launching and the empty nest, to older couples and to old age and death. There is wondrous variety to this basic scheme: same-sex couples, with and without children, single parents, never-married singles, two-home families. Each goes through its own stages of expansion and contraction, birth and death. My dictionary defines a family as parents and children living in the same household. They don’t have to be related to each other! The kids could be adopted. The Family Law Act of Ontario defines a parent as someone having a “settled intention” to raise a particular child. More variety. Etymology takes us to the heart of the matter, however: “family” derives from the Latin noun “famula”, meaning “servant” or “slave”. The next time you’re vacuuming or doing a load of never-ending laundry, consider that you belong to the “family” of families. Nor is this a bad thing. I spent most of Family Day doing just that: laundry, vacuuming, cleaning floors, while the rest of my family was out doing their thing. It gave me pleasure to know that they were launching as they should be, that I perhaps had done and was doing my part to create the next generation of families. And after that I took a nap, peacefully.

How much self-sacrifice do you really need in order to be a parent? What should you "put on hold" in order to attend to your children? A popular myth is brought to light. [More]

By Don Olund, MA, LCPC, NCC View Don's Profile Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teenager is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others. Cyber-culture teens are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Face Book and My Space are among many portals of escape teens will use to connect with peers and disconnect from family. Worried parents often wonder, “Am I losing connection with my teen?” To answer that question, let’s begin by looking at what’s going on during adolescence. It boils down to one word, “change”. Teens undergo significant and rapid change during puberty. Physical and hormonal change seem to happen overnight. In addition to the physical transformation is the emergence of a sexual identity. So, not only is the teen body in a state of flux, the identity is too! Erick Erickson called this stage of development, “identity vs. inferiority”. Throughout adolescence teens try on different “identity hats” to see what fits. Watch this process unfold by observing teens experiment with different clothes styles, hair styles, music tastes, peer groups, etc… Independence is their mantra. Don’t be too alarmed when your teen questions your rules or challenges your authority. You may even notice changes in your relationship with your teen. It may feel like they are pulling away from you. Actually, this is a normal process in identity formation. Finally, another unsettling change you may notice in your teen is a shift from family dependence to peer dependence. Suddenly, they want to spend all their time with their friends. At home you may find them on their cell phones or text messaging the friends they just left minutes ago! When you tell them to get off the phone they head for the computer where they can email, meet in chat rooms, or instant message. Now, let’s examine the warning signs that indicate your teen may be pulling away too much. One of the first signs is a pattern of isolation when they are at home. If your teen spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games, watching TV, talking on the phone, or bunkered down in their bedroom, with very little interaction with family members, it signals a disconnect. Another sign of pulling away is a preoccupation with friends. If all their free time is spent hanging out with friends, talking on the phone, text messaging, etc… and minimal interest in spending time with the family it’s a sign they are drifting. A third sign is often detected in the tone of their interaction with family members. It can be summed up in one word: respect. Parental influence can be measured by how their teenager talks to them and responds to their requests. If your teen reacts by yelling, swearing, or defiant behavior, it is an indicator of disrespect. When respect disintegrates, the parent-teen relationship suffers. By the way, teens have no respect for parents who lose control. Your best bet is to know your buttons and disarm them. Here’s a couple of tips on showing teens respect. Respect their right to speak. You don’t have to agree with them, but listen and try to understand. Respect their need for space. This may sound like a contradiction to what was said earlier about isolation. The point is teens need to have their own space and a little time where they can be by themselves. A fourth sign to watch out for is the emergence of academic and/or behavioral problems. Teens who pull away tend to show their opposition to their parents by doing poorly in school or by defying household rules. Finally, if you notice a pattern of risk-taking behavior such as drug and/or alcohol use, staying out all night, or other signs of poor impulse control, you have a problem on your hands. If a teen is out-of-control, it is important for parents to take control of the situation. Teens with behavioral problems need intervention. This is a time for parents to step in and do whatever is necessary to get them back on track. Intervention may require the assistance of mental health professionals who are experts in helping families. Wise parents take advantage of the support counseling services provide. At LifeWork Counseling, we understand the complexities of parent-teen relationships. Our goal is to help families make and keep the connections they cherish. In family therapy, parents and teens learn how to stop conflict cycles and discover more effective ways of communicating where mutual respect is honored. Parents learn how to disengage from power struggles. Teens learn how to manage their behavior and get back on track academically. Individual counseling can address specific adolescent problems such as impulse control, social interaction, and management of mood and anxiety-based disorders. Marriage counseling is available for couples in conflict over parenting styles, or needing assistance in balancing the needs of marriage and parenting. Are you losing connection with your teen or your spouse because of family difficulty? Don’t let them drift too far away before you take action. Contact LifeWork Counseling. We find solutions that work! Email me: don@lifeworkcounseling.net.

By Christie Hunter: View Christie's Profile What Are Doorways? This is the first blog in a new series of blogs called "Doorways". A doorway represents and symoblizes a new place, a new journey in life. Beyond the door is another world, one that is different than the one behind it, yet still connected. In order to reach the doorway before us, we had to live the life behind us, for it brought us here to this place. And like all doorways, it requires a choice...action on our part. We can stay here and look at it, or perhaps open it slightly and peer through as a spectator, or maybe even turn around and walk backwards down the path we came....or we can take a new step, close a chapter behind us, and start a new journey. Like all doorways, to experience what lies ahead, you must actually step through. Our first doorway that I will talk about is the one so many of us have already walked through- becoming a parent! Here Comes Baby! Welcome to the world of parenting! Its here…whether you prepared for it or not. And now, you are going to have to make some adjustments! Some of them will come naturally, some of them not so naturally. You are probably getting advice from everywhere. The best overall advice I can give you is…enjoy it! The moments will go by so fast, and by the time you turn around, it will seem like a fleeing memory. Don’t get caught up in all the minute details…”Am I eating enough? Did I take my supplements? Did I buy the right crib?, ect.” The more you get hung up on all the fine details, the less likely you are to create special memories that your heart will cherish. More than anything, find time to just enjoy life, and embrace each step, each phase of life as a parent, from pregnancy, to birth, to baby, to toddler, all the way to young adult. It will go by so fast. Transitions This series I will talk about what it is to be a new parent. I will discuss some myths, and some very real challenges that will hit you straight in the head if you aren’t prepared for them. The sad truth is that many relationships end after the birth of a child, and having a good understanding of what happens during transition from couple to parents is critical for your future happiness. The adjustment into parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding periods for a couple. The anticipation of waiting for the arrival of your child, whether through the course of a pregnancy or while waiting for an adoption to complete, creates an extensive list of hopes, dreams, and expectations for your future as parents and for your child. Focusing on these exciting options, preparing the baby’s room, and thinking about the arrival of your bundle of joy can many times overlook the preparation needed for your marriage as you and your spouse transition from just the two of you to a family of three. This first series of blogs are designed to help bring awareness to the many changes couples may face as they embark on parenting. You Are The Best Guide The first consideration is that no amount of planning, no amount of preparing, no book, no advice, and no blog is going to fully prepare you for the changes of becoming parents. How much experience parenting did anyone else have the first time they became parents? The answer is none, of course. Being a parent is a journey you must take on your own, each journey is fully unique from all others. Recognizing that you will not be able to control all circumstances with your baby and that your resources will be maxed out helps to create an environment of flexibility and resilience to these unplanned events. If you are going in to parenting with an expectation of being able to plan and schedule all events relating to your child, you will likely be disappointed and frustrated. Being realistic about your expectations of both your child and yourself is a great start towards adjusting to both the anticipated and the unpredictable situations. Expect And Prepare For Change Our human nature is to prepare, to learn, to anticipate situations so we can make the best choices and thus have the best possible outcomes. When you bring a child into the family structure of your marriage this changes not only your identity as an individual, you are now a mother or a father, but also your identity in your relationship with your spouse. Together you share a unique opportunity to teach, to train, and to guide your child. This job requires a great deal of time, effort, and emotional resource. As you try to balance these demands in your life and marriage, some areas of your life will receive less. Often, this comes from what we give to our spouse and the effect is a slow distance that develops in what was once a strong and exciting relationship. Next, we will discuss some of the expectations…and disappointments that new parents will often face. Have you ever heard someone tell you that being a parent is a 100% self-sacrifice? Probably most new parents have heard this from someone or have read it somewhere. The truth is, that it is not, and this is actually quite a risky philosophy to have, one that I do not recommend. Being a parent can be a 100% self gain. We will talk about how this can be and other myths next time. About Christie Christie is a Certified Management Accountant (CMA) with the CMA Society of Canada and a Registered Clinical Counsellor (R.C.C.) with the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. She holds a dual specialty in Marriage & Family Therapy and Trauma Resolution. View Christie's Profile