The "B" in my B.A.L.A.N.C.E model stands for "benevolence." This term refers to the act of thinking or doing in accordance with needs of others. Many studies have demonstrated that those that are depressed tend to be more focused on self, continuously monitoring their thoughts, feelings, and worries. While those that are the happiest among us tend to engage in more others-focused behavior.

Last night, I came across the following article, by Lisa Farino for MSN Health & Fitness, to underscore the importance of benevolence in one's life:

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Making a Genius?

As parents we want our children being the smartest, brightest and most well-behaved child on the block.

Over ten years ago, Walt Disney released a series of “educational” videos entitled, Baby Einstein. They were a hit almost instantly. Parents everywhere were wanting them, hoping these video babysitters would magically make their toddlers stand-outs among their peers. Moreover, a desire that a mindset would be developed in their child, leading them to a genius status.

Each video covers different topics through the use of colors and classical music. Their focus is to assist our children learn about life, and the things that surround us in our world. Scenes are introduced with a small amount of narrative from a soft, smooth voiced narrator.

Scenes move quickly, changing subject matter often. This process is something that experts from the American Medical Association relate, is hard for toddlers to follow.

No Way to Learn

The Baby Einstein video series has long been touted as a learning source for infants and toddlers. Thought by the populace to have increased the vocabulary and intellect of children, the Einstein videos have come under fire in recent years.

Research from the University of Washington (2007) revealed that children who watched the Baby Einstein videos had not excelled in social skills, or vocabulary. In fact, youngsters who began watching the videos early on had a more limited vocabulary than their peers.

The study shows that the videos effect on children has been more harmful than helpful.

Educational Claim Debunked

The bottom line is that the Baby Einstein videos have failed to educate toddlers, as many parents assumed. That said, controversy swirls between the public and representatives for the Einstein videos as to what should be, or have realistically been, expected from DVDs.

Still considered “educational” videos, the company now maintains they are designed to be used as interactive tools. However, the website’s original claim indicated the series was designed as an introduction to words and sign language.

Currently, the Baby Einstein website offers their philosophy. In part it reads:

“…intent was to create products that offered interactive experiences for her and her daughter to discover the world together. While Baby Einstein has grown over the years, this same          philosophy is at the heart of everything that we do. All of our products are designed to encourage discovery and inspire new ways for parents and little ones to interact.”

Refunds and Reconsiderations

The controversy, stemming from the research studies outing the Baby Einstein DVDs ineffectiveness, caused Walt Disney Company to make a radical move. They began offering refunds late 2009.

The Baby Einstein DVDs covered in the refund offer were those purchased between June 5, 2004 and Sept. 4, 2009. Einstein officials now claim a child will discover more through the videos when a parent or another is present.

Leaving a child alone in front of a television or DVD, of any kind, has proved damaging in development, according to the American Medical Association.

Experts from the American Academy of Pediatrics report that interaction with your child is the way the youngster will learn.

 By Dr. Colleen Long, PsyD

View Dr. Long's Profile 

My patients and clients often ask me, "if there is one thing that you would tell everyone to do to improve their overall lives, what would it be?" Every time my answer is- meditation. However, I usually get a blank stare or they immediately classify me as one of those therapists who burn incense and experiment with LSD.

I practically stumbled upon meditation myself, both as a clinician and a person. I was in the very beginning of my “happiness groups,” in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. These groups based on a positive psychology framework where patients were encouraged to focus on what was going right in their lives versus what was going wrong. It was a different way of thinking, but began paying off significantly.

Instead of digging through old baggage of the past, we focused on exercises designed to boost one’s sense of well-being, regardless of the hand they were dealt (you have to keep in mind, many of these people had endured childhoods and young adult lives most of us would read about or only see in a movie). Some of the exercises were designed to teach them how the brain was not necessarily designed to “default” on happiness- that we mostly defaulted to fear and anxiety, which is an adaptive mechanism, once protecting us from lions or other tribes in the distance.

We would put together gratitude journals, and practice focusing on helping someone else that day. As I began searching for new techniques to incorporate in the group, I came across a research study that boasted the effects of meditation on our mood. The research showed that peoples’ left pre-frontal cortex (the area in our brain believed to be responsible for feelings of well-being) were showing dramatic changes after just three 20 minute sessions per week.

So we tried it. We would finish the last 20 minutes of each group with a meditation session. After the first time, I didn’t really notice anything different. Yet, after just a few days of doing this exercise with many groups, I was noticing something. A shift. I was actually a bit more calm, and was present. I remember brushing my teeth and having no running thoughts other than “I’m brushing my teeth.” It was freedom.

John Kabat-Zinn was one of the pioneering psychologists who discovered how meditation effects our brain. Meditation has also been shown to have various other health benefits, most notably with its connection to the Vagus nerve, which helps to decrease cortisol production (the hormone responsible for giving us those little stress guts). Meditation is ours for the taking. It does not cost us anything but a few minutes of our time and patience.

The following are the basic tips for meditation that are sure to get you started in the right direction:

1)Posture- Make sure that you are sitting on a firm surface or firm pillow. You can either sit on the floor with legs crossed or in a chair with legs shoulder width apart. Just make sure that you are not leaning back on the chair back. Ensure that your back is upright, as if you are sitting on a horse. This posture helps remind the body that the mind is in control. It is a posture of dignity and respect, and symbolizes the act of meditation for yourself each day.

Make sure your chest is lifted and open. This shows that you are open and receptive to what this meditation brings. Make sure that your shoulders are back and relaxed, and that your mouth and jaw are also loose. Thich Nhat Hanh recommends you try slightly smiling.

2) Detachment- A common misconception is that meditation should be an absence of one’s thoughts. This is not possible. View your mind’s energy as you would a flowing river. Each leave that passes, represents a thought. It is your goal to observe those thoughts without judgment, like leaves on a river. Once we are able to separate ourselves from our thoughts, they can no longer bring us the same pain they once did. We soon become comfortable just being with our thoughts, even the most painful. As a thought comes to view, we might think “oh that is interesting that thought has come up now,” and let it pass down the river.

3) Routine- Make sure that you set aside some time for meditation-at least three to five days a week, at first. My guess is that once you start to notice the benefits, you will be doing it seven days a week. Most of my patients were on a medication regimen, so I advised them to set aside time for their meditation at the same time they took their medication every day. Another favorite time is right after you wake. This is when the mind is the freshest and most restored. Some prefer right before bedtime. Just make sure that you are not confusing meditation with napping. Meditation requires an alert state of mind.

4) Hands- Your hands can be in one of several positions. These are known as mudras. Each position evokes different feeling states, such as balance, openness, or groundedness. One is the classical forefinger to thumb position. This can signal to the mind an on-the-spot concentration that is often needed for meditation. Another hand position is each hand on the knees, palms facing up. This signals a receptivity to your meditation, an openness to what comes. Some people prefer the traditional Christian prayer position, with both palms pressed together under the chin. The last position is hands on each knee, palms facing down. This envokes a feeling of groundedness, strength, and balance.

5) Eyes- Many people prefer that their eyes are closed. This can be a good thing in that you are not distracted. However, if you find yourself becoming sleepy, you may want to pick a spot about 4-6 inches on the ground in front of you and focus on this during your meditation.

6) Sound- You can meditate quietly or use music if you are more musically inclined. I prefer to listen to Liquid Mind on Pandora radio, which helps to put me in a tranquil state.

7) Breath- As you get started, simply focus on the breaths coming in and out of your body. You can start by inhaling for four, holding for two, and exhaling for four. This puts the body in a deeper state of relaxation (you may even find yourself getting a slight buzz from the amount of oxygen you are taking in) because we do not normally breathe at this slow pace. As you inhale, notice your belly start to rise, as you exhale notice it grow smaller. Remind yourself that each breath is cleansing, like a broom sweeping out the cobwebs of the soul.

8) Ending- At the end of each meditation, many choose to clasp their hands together in the traditional prayer position, bowing their head in gratitude for the meditation as well as showing respect to a higher order in the universe.

Putting it in to Practice

I like to start each day with meditation. It is a time when my mind is at its freshest. I am able to clear my mind of thoughts without falling asleep (because I have just had eight hours of rest). I often like to start with a 3-5 minute visualization exercise, where I visualize where I want to be. I concentrate on the smells, the sounds, what the environment looks like around me, what people are saying, and even how they feel about me.

After this visualization exercise, I usually do a 20 minute meditation, where I clear myself of thoughts and focus on being in the present moment. Many of those that are trying this for the first time will find that the first minute, even 30 seconds is difficult. This is normal- our minds are not used to this way of being and will resist at first. It is only a protective mechanism. Practice acceptance towards our minds wanting to protect us and allow yourself to continually return to the present moment.

As thoughts come up, simply view them as passing leaves on a stream. Don’t make judgments, simply let them float by. Eventually you will be able to remain in the present moment for a full minute, and this time will increase with practice.

Dr. Colleen Long is the author of “Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E,” and practices in the Los Angeles area under the supervision of Dr. Richard Oelberger (PSY22186) . Dr. Long works mainly from a positive psychology framework as it applies to addiction, depression, relationships,  body image and weight loss. Her website can be found at www.DrColleenLong.com. All public speaking/media event requests handled through FreudTV (info@FreudTV.com).

 By Dr. Colleen Long, PsyD

View Dr. Long's Profile

One of the most frequent observations made of  patients, during my stint in a psychiatric inpatient unit, was their lack of novelty or change throughout their day. If you asked a person suffering from depression what they did that day, they often struggled to remember. This is because depressed people usually maintain a very repetitive existence (recall Bill Murray's character in Groundhog's Day).

Without going into a neuroanatomy lesson, think of the right brain as being depression's ally, while the left brain is its nemesis. Our right brain contains structures that are associated with telling us, "if we just keep doing the same thing that we are used to, we will feel comfortable, and will feel better (also similar to when we have the flu or a cold)."

Yet, our left brain contains structures that are associated with novelty and challenge. If you recall from the meditation blog, our left brain also contains structures that are associated with our feelings of well-being and contentment. Therefore, you can begin to see how challenge and novelty are associated with well-being and contentment. By learning new things and spicing up our routine, we stimulate the area in our brain that makes us feel hopeful, optimistic, and joyful.

"Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness."   - Sophocles

Many times, I would ask the patients in our group what a typical day in their life looked like. Usually it would look like this:

Wake up + Cigarette + Television + Lunch + Cigarette + Television + Cigarette + Dinner  + Cigarette + Sleep --> Repeat

Astoundingly, this type of day for them would repeat itself for months and months until they found themselves depressed, anxious, addicted, and/or suicidal and in our hospital.

These people were simply doing what "felt" right. They did not go out, they isolated without any peer interaction, their interpersonal relationships deteriorated, and they hadn't done anything "out of the box," in a significantly long time. Yet, there condition worsened until they were no longer able to cope on their own.

Oftentimes, patients would show a significant improvement within the first couple of days of treatment. My theory was that this was largely in part due to a novel environment combined with social interaction (vs. psychotropic medication, which they also received) and structure (often lacking throughout their lives and also found to contribute to mental illness).

"We squander our free time by freeing it of effort."   - Tal Ben Shahar

Many humans believe that by “turning off” we are somehow rejuvenating ourselves. Can you remember the last time you felt invigorated after watching hours of television? Can you recall the feeling of boredom after spending three days by the beach on holiday intended to “relax” you? Think back to the happiest moments of your life. What were you doing? It is likely that you were working towards some self-directed goal or purpose.

"Growth itself contains the germ of happiness."  - Pearl S. Buck

The "L" in my B.A.L.A.N.C.E model stands for "learning." Learning includes both challenge and purpose. It is the behavior of the lifelong learner. We are hardwired as humans with the drive and desire to continuously learn and challenge ourselves. Yet, in day to day life, we set aside little time devoted to actually learning something new or purposely challenging ourselves. It is our job to restore challenge and learning back in our lives because that is what our minds are designed to do and desire to do. Think about where we would be today if we never challenged ourselves.

Recall a period in your life when you were being challenged to do something outside of your normal routine. Maybe you were doing work related training and were learning a new sales approach or computer software system. Maybe you were trying out a new pilates class, or training for a marathon. Whatever it was, I have a hunch that if you think back to how you were feeling, you were likely upbeat, positive, and content. Maybe you even questioned, "why don't I do this more often?"

To the depressed person, this can seem like a monumental task. The idea of challenging themselves to learn something new is akin to asking someone with the stomach virus to get up and play a game of Twister. Yet the rewards of doing this for someone with depression can be immeasurable. Unlike other illnesses, often times doing the opposite of what you feel like doing, is usually the best medicine. This has also been referred to as opposite action, and is often used in DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) for emotional regulation. I simply refer to it as the "just do it," approach.

So as you are going through your day today- try something new. Maybe ask a friend to go to a mid-afternoon movie. Maybe take an online learning class about something you've always wanted to know more about, or just take a different route home than you usually do. Observe your feelings after doing so, and start to look for other opportunities in your week where you can sprinkle in some novelty. Go on... just do it.

Dr. Colleen Long is the author of “Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E,” and practices in the Los Angeles area under the supervision of Dr. Richard Oelberger (PSY22186). Dr. Long works mainly from a positive psychology framework as it applies to addiction, depression, relationships,  and weight loss. Her website can be found at www.DrColleenLong.com. All public speaking/media event requests handled through FreudTV (info@FreudTV.com).

 By Dr. Colleen Long, PsyD

View Dr. Long's Profile

"There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so."     -William Shakespeare

The quote above encapsulates today's happiness tip. Billy Shakespeare knew it and now today - YOU will too. It is not the reality of life, but our own perception of life that influences whether or not we feel happy or distraught.

Think about the mental state you are existing in today. Are you anxious? Are you sad? Are you angry? What types of thoughts are you having that are shaping your perception of your current reality? How could those thoughts change the way you feel right now?

As children, we all just floated from one life event to the next. We had no preconceived notions, no schemas, no bad experiences that caused us to be cautious in future similar situations. When we met another kid, we didn't think "I wonder what ol' Timmy's angle is? What's he getting at here?" We simply accepted Timmy without judgment, and had fun. After we left, we didn't think about how we were received, or what Timmy thought of us, we just moved on to the monkey bars.

As we get older, like a piece of old gum- we start to accumulate all the junk that life brings. We start to develop ideas about ourselves and others. We start to build connections between actions and intentions (i.e- this guy is being a bit too nice, what does he want from me?)

It's no wonder that we do this as humans. Our brains are designed to guess possible scenarios based on previous experiences. Otherwise, everytime a lion came over the plains thousands of years ago our ancestors would have simply stared in awe instead of making a run for it in the opposite direction.

Yet, it is through emotional intelligence that we must make a conscious effort to put the brakes on this type of thinking when it is counter-productive. The first A in my BALANCE model stands for Awareness, which encompasses this aspect of emotional intelligence, first coined by Daniel Goleman.

If one is to make a blanket assumption such as "all people have an angle and no one has any interest in anything I have to say unless it benefits them." How do you think that affects the way they behave in society? How do you think that affects the way they feel on a daily basis? It certainly does not provide for a sense of connection and peace.

Happiness is a verb, and as such we must make a conscious effort each day to change our way of thinking. Instead of relying on what I call lazy thinking, just allowing the mind to float on in auto-pilot, learn to identify and then challenge your thoughts today.

To put this principle into light, I will use the example of a man with three daughters in McDonald's. His daughters are crawling all over the booth, being loud, and generally annoying most people in the restaurant. A woman sitting next to the man begins to roll her eyes and become increasingly angry at this man's selfishness for taking his daughters in the restaurant, not being able to control them, and interrupting everyone's meal.

The man turns to the woman and says "I apologize. My wife just died six months ago and I am still trying to get a handle on the whole Mr. Mom thing." How quickly does that change your perception? Instead of feeling anger and resentment, it begins to soften to compassion and empathy.

When we can project a sense of love and compassion towards others, we are ultimately reaping the greatest reward- our own feelings of contentment and peace. So try it today. What situation or thoughts could you reshape so that you could approach the event from a place of compassion and empathy vs. resentment and anger?

Dr. Colleen Long is the author of “Happiness in B.A.L.A.N.C.E,” and practices in the Los Angeles area under the supervision of Dr. Richard Oelberger (PSY22186). Dr. Long works mainly from a positive psychology framework as it applies to addiction, depression, relationships,  body image and weight loss. Her website can be found at www.DrColleenLong.com. All public speaking/media event requests handled through FreudTV (info@FreudTV.com).

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Before “I do”

Marriage is a big step; a leap of faith, a commitment. Faith for your future; that it will be bright, prosperous and secure.  You are committing to stand together through thick and thin, health and wealth, sickness and poverty. Moreover, you are committing to each other for life, as partners, forsaking all others. That is why premarital counseling is vital.

Life is full of problems and unexpected ends. We may think we are prepared to take on all it offers--together--yet we are individuals. Knowing one another very well is not enough. Until living together in matrimony, it is impossible to see all aspects of each individual’s response to life’s situations.

Traversing the terrain of life together is much like that of a team who climbs mountains together. The ropes that bind them together are essential in keeping them alive. It takes practice, teaching and patience to learn how to attempt the unknown together.

Premarital counseling

Premarital counseling can help with identifying problem areas that might exist prior to marriage. In fact, some states require premarital counseling prior to marriage. Some of the issues addressed in counseling are:

• financial management and decisions
• parental issues
• expectations of each other
• employment
• roles and responsibilities
• religion and spirituality
• family involvement and activities
• hobbies and interests
• friends

It is important to ensure you each have realistic expectations of one another. To think that things will magically fall in place is unrealistic. Addressing these and other significant issues can get your marriage off on a more stable footing.

He said she said

Resolving conflicts in a marriage requires certain skills, and is another reason for premarital counseling. “Fair fighting” is imperative in a marriage, and seeking counsel prior to marriage, will prove beneficial in these areas. Counselors will offer various coping and negotiation skills necessary to ensure successful conflict resolution within your marriage.

The Counselor

Premarital counseling is generally facilitated by trained family therapists, and often, clergy. The counselor will assist you as a couple to identify potential or existing problem areas. This is accomplished as you discuss with your counselor, the more common issues of a marriage, as mentioned earlier.

Sitting down with a counselor and having these discussions prior to marriage, will help bring clarity and definition to your relationship. Premarital counseling offers invaluable tools that will assist you protect one of the most important blessings of your life. We go to great lengths to protect our worldly goods and things important to us. Your marriage should be protected in the same way.

Who should go

Couples who have never been married or involved in a long-term partnership should attend premarital counseling. Furthermore, anyone who has been married before, having it end in divorce, should also attend counseling prior to remarriage.

People with children should seek counseling before saying I do, as it can be difficult blending families. Successfully blending a family takes skill and effort, as well as, a lot of love and patience. Premarital counseling can help you navigate these tricky waters.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

The Pink Slip

Losing a job is very stressful for a family. The emotional impact it has on the husband or wife can be very different. Both may feel depressed and anxious as a result of the loss. Self-esteem and worthiness issues are common. These factors, combined with the financial implications resulting from a spouse’s job loss, place a strain on a marriage. However, exercising solid coping skills during this transitional time can lead to a successful outcome.

Time to process

It is important to give your spouse time to process what has happened and get a handle on the future. Often our job defines us--reinforces our worth to our family and others. While our self-worth should be shaped by other measures, our job plays an important role in our lives.

Due to the financial strain resulting from a job loss, the natural response from both parties is to get a job as soon as possible. However, finding a new job can take time. During this time, sensitivity and careful response is essential in supporting your spouse. Encouraging words and conversations about other things can help ease any tension that money issues can cause in a marriage.

Avoid picking out jobs for your spouse. As well meaning as this approach seems, it often backfires. They may begin to feel you have lost faith or trust in their abilities to manage their affairs properly.

Questions about how the unemployed spouse spent their time during the day may be offensive. It is important to be aware of trigger points that may spark conflict. A person may lash out because they feel inadequate or are depressed.

As important as processing time and feelings of the unemployed spouse are, so are those of others involved. It may be helpful to talk to a counselor during this time. A counselor can help you identify the unique feelings and stressors experienced during a time of loss. They can offer feedback and coping skills you may not have considered previously.

Reach out to friends and family that may have experienced a similar situation. Ask them how they managed the process.

Fear and Finances

A financial plan is an imperative step in eliminating fear and uncertainty of the future. The plan should be developed to encompass at least three months that follow the unemployment.

Together, determine what you can cut back on, or live without. Big changes should be considered carefully. Remember, the situation is not permanent.

Your spouse may be eligible for unemployment compensation. This benefit can be very helpful when facing job loss. Consulting a financial advisor or counselor may be necessary in some cases. However, cutting back on special perks or extras can trim a budget quite a bit.

The Bottom Line

At the end of the day, your marriage and relationship with one another is more important than anything else. Be kind to one another. Talk about your spouses good qualities, compliment them. Take notice of the extra help you are likely receiving around the home, or in other areas of your life. You will likely come out on the other side stronger and closer than ever before.

 By Sandra Lewis, MA, EFT-Adv.

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For those of you who haven’t heard of EFT, it stands for Emotional Freedom Technique, and is what we call an energy-based meridian therapy. There are several different meridian therapies in use, but EFT is by far the most widely used, embraced by psychiatrists, psychologists, medical doctors, life coaches, and lay people around the world who use it for everything from physical aches and pains to the worst childhood traumas.

I have been a psychotherapist in Toronto for many years now, practicing classical therapeutic techniques with a broad range of clients. In the last few years, I have included EFT in my work, and have seen many dramatic events as a result of it. But I wanted to talk about one in particular, because for the first time I was able to convince a parent to try EFT with her child. As you can imagine, it is difficult for the therapist to interact with the child using what is essentially an acupressure technique. It required the willingness of a parent to take extra time out of a very busy life to make the effort at home.

My client, Katia, who is happy to share this information with my readers, has a 7-year-old son who was diagnosed many years ago with severe autism. Her husband quit his job and devoted himself full-time to helping David function as well as might be hoped. He used the Sonrise technique, which many of you may be familiar with. And her husband was certainly able to make a difference, after three years of enormous effort. But like many parents of autistic children, he began to run out of steam. It’s a very demanding role for a parent to fill, as you know.

Katia came to me without her son, David, and together she and I worked on some of her frustrations as a parent, using the EFT protocol. Then I gave her some statements to use with David. We decided that we would work initially on making him more responsive to his parents and less of a challenge to their patience. Katia told me that David was very sensitive to noise, and would scream and cry when she turned on the blender in the kitchen. He would also scream in the car if she had the radio on. EFT combines tapping on key acupuncture points while repeating a kind of affirmation at the same time.

Katia used statements that focused on the noisy blender, the irritation David felt when he heard it, and his reaction (screaming).

Katia also told me that, like many autistic children, David had suffered a trauma when he was born. The doctors had to use a vacuum and then forceps. Katia couldn’t see this, but she could see the expression on her husband’s face, which went white with anxiety. As well, David was vaccinated 12 hours after being born.  

So we added statements to release this trauma, statements that reflected what we imagined it must have been like for David, how terrible it must have been, how frightening, how the world suddenly didn’t seem safe, how his head hurt. 

Katia would tap every evening while David was going to sleep. She would tap on herself as a surrogate and on him. Amazingly EFT works both ways, which is a Godsend for autistic children who don’t like to be touched. She added statements for his speech problems, and his difficulty communicating.

All this time Katia’s husband was away on a trip. When he returned after one month, he said he noticed immediately an enormous change in his son’s behaviour. He said he hardly recognized David. These are some of the things he and Katia saw in just one month:

·           David's speech improved dramatically. He would answer questions, something he never did before, even when they were simple yes or no questions.

·           He would ask for things in complete sentences: "I want bread" instead of using one word, “bread".

·           He started noticing other children and wanting to play with them (before he seemed lost in his own world).

·           When he was playing with children, he would follow the rules of the game.

·           He was visually focusing on his parents, making conscious eye contact and holding it for minutes at a time (before he would look all around the room, but not at them).

·           He was clearly processing information from them when he was making this eye contact (his eyes seemed active instead of vacant).

·           He stopped screaming when he heard loud noises, and even asked for the radio to be turned on in the car (in Katia’s words, there was no chance this could happen before he didn’t like music from any source except TV).

·           It was possible to negotiate things with him for the first time, i.e. If you eat this apple, then you can have a cookie.

·           He started eating apples bananas were the only fruit he would eat before.

David's grandfather was away as well for a month and he agreed that his grandson had made a big shift while he was away.  Normally it might have been difficult to clearly identify EFT as the cause of this change. But because David’s father, Yuri, was the one who usually worked with him, while Yuri was away, virtually no extra time was spent with David on his autism. Katia was busy just taking care of the house and preparing meals, and so the only extra time spent with David were the few minutes she devoted to tapping in the evening.

Katia continues to work on David and he continues to make progress. One day, for example, he put together very complicated tower (around 200-300 Lego pieces) completely by himself, and without any instructions. It was very close to the suggested one on the box, but with quite a lot of improvisations.

As well, he is more often using sentences of three to four words, instead of single words. His father says, “The interesting thing is it seems like he is constructing some of the sentences himself. So, he is starting to generalize, which is the main issue with autism. I still do not have a stop watch, but it looks to me as though his attention span is getting longer.”

 By Carlton Brown, M.Sc., M.Div., RMFT 

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A man in Austin, Texas, today flew his small plane into an IRS building, killing himself and possibly one person on the ground, damaging the building, sending people to hospital, and traumatizing hundreds of spectators by conjuring images of a repeat of 9/11. Air force jets were scrambled, and the president was notified. Everyone quickly calmed down when they realized it was “only” a suicide.

The one thing this man made clear before he died was his belief that the world had not treated him fairly. He was mad at the tax department, specifically, as well as “big business” and the government in general. At 53, he must have felt like a failure, having lost two previous businesses and at least one previous marriage. Believing that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”, he twisted this usually helpful aphorism into the conclusion that this would be “something different” to try with his life. Feeling that he had explored all the options, he concluded that “violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer”. At some level, he must have believed that he was “answering” the unfairness of the tax department by making people who worked for the tax department suffer. He was being unfair to them as he had felt that they had been unfair to him.

A good study on suicide is Kay Redfield Jamison’s Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide, available here. A professor of psychiatry, Jamison also suffers from bipolar affective disorder, a mental illness associated with a higher risk of suicide. She knows whereof she speaks.  

Suicide has been called “a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. When people contemplate suicide, they feel hopeless and helpless. Without resources and without a future, people on the verge of completing suicide reportedly feel a sense of calm, as if they have “solved” their problem with this very narrow and final solution.

People who contemplate suicide are usually depressed. Depression can be part of bipolar disorder as well as an illness unto itself, and is associated with defective thinking. Depressed people make three errors in their thinking: first, they think that they are worthless; second, they think that the world is unfairly punishing them; third, they don’t think that things will ever get better. This man probably had all three of these faulty thoughts, writing most clearly about the second, that he felt that he had been treated unfairly. He certainly didn’t seem to believe that things were going to improve. And he counted his own life as worthless in his plan to right the wrongs that had been done to him.

It is not unusual for people to have suicidal thoughts. Depression in and of itself may even be part of a normal life, a time of lying fallow and resting, perhaps to recover from a trauma or a loss. Matthew Fox called it one of the four roads that we follow from time to time in the course of life. But it isn’t meant to be the main road that we take - not the main course. After a period of depression it is indeed helpful to “do something different” - but not to fly your plane into the government office of your choice. Distraction has been shown to help people recover from depression. Forcing yourself to do a normal routine also helps: “fake it til you make it” is a good mantra to follow. Because if you do manage to distract yourself from your thoughts, if you do “fake it” and go on about life “as if” it is worth living, it will become so again.

It is not unusual to have such thoughts. The time to worry, however, is when you find yourself (or someone you know) beginning to develop plans. Suicidal thoughts + plans = risk, especially if the plan is within the person’s ability to be carried out in the near future. This constitutes an emergency: it’s time to call 911 and get the person to hospital, where someone can distract them until they are able to distract themselves.

Before it becomes an emergency, however, if you find your life becoming a knotted problem from which there seems to be no escape, find a good therapist. Therapists are trained to “open space” and generate additional options - solutions to your problems that perhaps you never thought of. Certainly for this man, there were options besides exacting an eye for an eye from the tax department, in a permanent and fatal solution. It was tragic that he couldn’t see these options.

A great online resource for preventing suicide is here.

 By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Great News

Remember the first time you were expecting a child; you couldn’t wait to tell everyone! Now another baby is on the way. The excitement is just as fierce as the first time, but there is more to consider than sharing the news with friends and extended family. Big brother or sister must be prepared for the “new” baby’s arrival.

Telling your child becomes as big a responsibility as other preparations of the upcoming birth. The child has been accustomed to being the focus of mom and dad’s love and attention. To have this focus shared with another is usually upsetting for the sibling to be.

Often parents will wait until the last few months of the pregnancy to tell the child about their sibling’s birth. The pregnancy is more stable, and it is getting closer to the time of delivery. Moreover, children’s concept of time is not as refined as adults. They can better understand seasons more than weeks or months, depending on their age.

No Longer the Baby, but a Sibling

Prepare your child in ways they can understand. For example, if one of their playmates has had a baby born into their family recently, use the situation as an example.

Following are some tips to help a child prepare for the birth of a sibling:

• Tell them the new baby will be coming home with you from the hospital, and will be living with all of you as a family.

• Explain how the child can help in the process of caring for the infant. Let them know the importance of an older sibling’s role in the family.

• Use age appropriate books to help the child understand what it means to be a brother or sister. How they interact and help each other, share things; even their parents.

• Include the child in the plans for the baby’s room, if appropriate.

• Talk to them about some names you are considering.

The Hospital and Birth

Ensure your child knows you will be in the hospital for a few days and that it is normal. This will help eliminate anxiety they may experience about your safety and health. Talk about where they will be staying during this time, and how they can come and visit you while there.

Plan for your child to visit you and the baby at a time specifically designed for the immediate family only. Introduce them to their new sibling and allow them to touch and possibly hold them with assistance, if appropriate.

Have the other parent care for the newborn while you spend time focused on your child, to answer any questions they may have, or just have quality time together.

We’re Home

When bringing the baby home, make it a celebration where the big brother or sister is involved. Allow them to lead you and the baby to their new room, and show them around, or offer the baby a gift they have made for them. If the child is not interested there is not a need for concern. Change takes time and they will come around.

Since your schedule will be interrupted with the newborns needs, take advantage of times where you can spend uninterrupted time with the newborns sibling. During feeding times, make sure your child has toys or other items of interest, so that they are entertained. This will help in keeping them from feeling they are not involved, or are left out.

With time, the schedule will begin to flow and the family will take on its new shape.