Theravive

Conflict in committed relationships is ubiquitous. All manner of resolution and management skills are at our disposal, but perhaps the one element we focus on the least is conflict perspective. When in conflict, regardless with whom, three distinct perspectives are possible. One, we can view the situation from only our own perspective. Two, our focus can be on only our partner’s role and behavior. Three, we can view the conflict from above, so to speak. From that perch we afford ourselves a view of the pattern, our own role in it as well as our partner’s, and, perhaps most important of all, we can see how the pattern we are part of is headed in an ineffective and unproductive direction. It’s like an aerial view of your home town. You cannot see the entire town from just your own street corner. Likewise, you cannot see the whole conflict from your position exclusively. In position one, our own narrow focused perspective tends to see our partner as the source of the problem. This view is generally loaded with blame, either implied or explicit. From the my-perspective-only position, it is too easy to be a bull in a china shop. Typically, when you view a conflict from this vantage point, you believe you are right, and your partner is wrong. The binary right-wrong orientation leads to one or the other of you devising ways to win the argument, which inevitably produces mutual defensiveness. If you “win” the argument, you also lose due to the fact that the partner who “loses” tends to become distant–from YOU! Most people do not feel closer to their distant partner. Obviously, that does not promote connection and intimacy. Position two, approaching the problem from your partner’s perspective, may often be problematic. On the one hand, your partner will appreciate your recognition of their position. And that’s a good thing. On the other hand, if you see the problem only from your partner’s perspective, you are likely diverted from yourself. This is important on two accounts: first, your part of the pattern is a big piece of the puzzle you are both attempting to solve, so you really ought to know what your piece looks like if you want to solve the puzzle; second, the odds for selling yourself out go way up when you attend only to your partner’s perspective because you fail to give voice or attention to your own perspective of the problem and pattern. In perspective three, each party clearly views the conflict from above, and is able to see the pattern and your respective roles. From above, you have the best seats in the house! From there you can take in all the action! From there, you can make decisions that you cannot possibly make from positions one or two. One decision you can make is to pull the reins in on those behaviors that make it unsafe for your partner to speak honestly. What does that look like? That is when you decide not to call your partner a name when your frustrated or angry. Instead, you decide to take responsibility for your anger or frustration and talk about it, rather than act it out. It means using words that are always easy to hear, or turning the volume knob down instead of yelling. It means doing what’s powerful, not what’s overpowering. (More on this in an upcoming post). From the penthouse each of you can bask in conflict luxury as you realize that breaking a painful recurring pattern is more productive than being right! From above you can appreciate that this is a team effort, but this time, your both on the same team! It’s as if you’re looking down on a maze, and you are each helping the other navigate through the various passageways, i.e. behavioral trouble spots you each provide, until you get from stressed to calm, distant to close. Sound corny? It is, but it works. The view from above allows for compassion and empathy to punctuate the pain you each feel. The overview perspective has built in to it the desire each of you possess to see yourself and your partner realistically. In short, the view-from-above perspective promotes honesty, thereby building trust. Operating from the overview perspective takes practice, patience and persistence, as it is not the easiest of the three perspectives because it feels very risky. Like many difficult tasks, however, the rewards are consistent with your effort. Next time you and yours are faced with one of those stressful moments, see the pattern, break the pattern. Try the following: Before you dive in to the issue de jour, start by inviting each other to the overview. Describe what you see from your perspective–especially what you see in yourself that is making the pattern you are trying to break so difficult to alter. After all, it’s not as if your partner doesn’t see your behavior! Next, listen to the overview your partner provides while NOT discounting it. Last, recap what you hear, ask for clarification when necessary, and then ask a lot of curiosity based questions

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. 

~Irish Proverb

 

How true!  If we all practiced these two “cures”, we would likely improve our health and decrease our stress!  In today’s day and age, too many people are not getting either of these important cures!    Both are relatively easy to incorporate in to your day without needing to make any major lifestyle changes.  Let’s take a more detailed look at each of these.

 

Most Americans complain that they do not get enough sleep.  Billions of dollars are spent each year on lost productivity and treatment for sleep-related problems. The recent research on sleep indicates that if you are not getting enough sleep, which for most people is 7 – 9 hours per night, you are at higher risk for high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, mental impairment, depression and weight gain.  When you are well rested the following results: you are more productive at home and work, you enjoy life more, you are more relaxed in your relationships and you are healthier.  If you are not getting enough sleep, what would need to change in order for you to get more sleep?  Many of us complain that we do not have time to sleep; but then, do you have the time or money to take care of any of the health issues listed earlier??  Is everything on our “to do” list really that important?

 

Now let’s look at the second “cure” - laughter.  Have you ever counted how many times you truly laugh in a day’s time?  Laughter increases the level of endorphins and neurotransmitters in your system and reduces the level of stress hormones.  Laughing can improve your immune system and provide a wonderful physical and emotional release.  All that from simply laughing!  Think of ways to increase the laughter in your day - gravitate towards those people who are upbeat and have a good sense of humor, read those email jokes that make you laugh, work towards seeing the humor in even the most difficult situations, watch a funny movie….be creative with how you increase your comic relief. 

 

What steps will you make to incorporate these 2 easy “cures” in to your day?  The effort you put in to making these changes will more than repay you.  It is a good investment in you, your family, and your business or career - and one that costs you nothing.

 

References: Say Goodnight to Insomnia, Gregg Jacobs, MD; www.sleepdex.org; www.about.com.

 

Leslie J. Hoy, MA, LPC is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist specializing in Depression, Anxiety, Sleep management, Couples Communication, Work-Life balance and Weight loss.  She can be contacted at 210.379.4403 or leslie@hiperformance.net; www.leslie-lpc.com.

 

Like all great artists and masters of language, Mr. Cameron's genius opens up the deeper and sometimes hidden collective themes and truths of life. On the surface, "The Abyss" presents a good story filled with elements of mission, danger and risk. Basically the story is about a team of people on an undersea drilling rig who are asked by the military to salvage a wrecked submarine in the depths of the ocean. The incentive for the team's acceptance is money. They are beset by numerous catastrophes ; however, in the midst of these they encounter an advanced non human race of aquatic beings living in the deeper abyss. These translucent beautiful aliens can only be compared to the angelic.

The hero is played by Ed Harris and he is married to the heroine Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. In the midst of their heightened marital discord and disharmony, they must join forces for the sake of the mission. It seems an impossible task for them to transcend their anger and bitterness toward one another.

We are enthralled as the story becomes more complicated with the uncovering of an evil plot brought aboard by two of the military members.

The heroine is shunned by the team. Although she is clever and can run a ship, they see her as an arrogant and dominating woman who is far too self serving. She wears her intelligence and superior position as a threat to others. However, it is to this woman that the angelic beings first appear in the depths of her despair and helplessness.

The story takes us through chaos, the struggle between good and evil, the threat of nuclear war, the limits of humanity, pride and humility which finally lead to redemption.

The essential and core threads that create this marvelous tapestry are the moral choices made by the hero and heroine: the husband and wife. Initially we see the enraged husband take off his wedding band and throw it into the toilet only to turn back and retrieve what he has thrown away. As the story unfolds, he is the one who looks upon his unconscious apparently drowned wife and with determined passion brings her back to life.

It is the crisis that returns them to their original love through choices of forgiveness and sacrifice. We witness the vulnerability and tears of the real heroine underneath her armour after her encounter with death and her rescue by her husband. When at the crescendo of the film the hero is as well at death's door, he is saved by the gentle graceful alien of the seas.

She communicates to him an eternal truth which he embraces and which indeed makes him a hero. It is in the simple acts of forgiveness to our spouse and as well the moral choices that we make for the good of the other that set us free.

Each time we forgive the other and each time we look to others before ourselves, we become heroes of our own lives.

"Only the weak hang on to hatred and bitterness ... the strong ones forgive."   - Mahatma Gandhi

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Simply defined

Communication simply defined is: “the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.”

Communication is very important in all aspects of our lives. The way we interact with our colleagues, peers and managers is important from a professional standpoint. Often, when considering improving our communication skills, we tend to think about our techniques in this realm. After all, it is our livelihood.

However, there are many areas of our lives where communication is as important, if not more as that of the professional relationship. That is the way we speak, move, act or otherwise signal our spouse, partner, children, family members and friends. Moreover, our way of interaction with the general public is very significant.

Let’s talk, blog, bleep, or otherwise say

Today, we have multiple ways to communicate from the face-to-face conversation, to email, IM, skype, Facebook, cell phones and many, many more. Developing effective communication skills is an ever evolving process. Flexibility and compromise are essential in communication today.

The way we relay thoughts, messages or information warrants serious analysis. Let’s take a look at five key areas that can be very effective in the way we communicate with others, whatever form of communication we are using. They are: a two-way flow of conversation; actively listen; rapport building; positive focus and honesty.

1. Two-way flo w of conversation:  A conversation, whether verbal or written should always be balanced. Both people should contribute to the conversation to feel validated. If you have a problem talking too much, interrupting or dominating conversations try this exercise. Open your mind to what the other person is saying. Quiet the thoughts running through your head. Try not to formulate a rebuttal before the other person has finished their thought. Yours will be incomplete and likely inconsiderate.
2. Actively listen:  It is important to hear what the speaker is saying. Take mental notes of important points in the conversation. If you are simply staring at someone and do not comprehend what they are saying, there may be an underlying cause. Perhaps you are tired, stressed or emotionally absent. Search for the reason and get help overcoming the problem. Otherwise be engaged with the speaker. Try this exercise to help you actively listen.Be attentive to the communication skills or style of someone you respect, and practice what you have noticed. Begin to apply the techniques in your own life with others.
3. Rapport building:  It is important to build trust or a common ground with those to whom you communicate. Try this exercise when building rapport.Offer a solid handshake along with a friendly smile when introducing yourself, or greeting someone. Be aware of your body language. Lean forward a bit, it shows you are interested. If the speaker is sitting, if appropriate, you should sit also, being eye level puts you on an equal plane. And lastly, make eye contact.
4. Positive focus:  Life hands us ups and downs and it is okay to share that at times; however, try not to be a complainer. Try this exercise to offer positive reinforcement.Always lead into a conversation with a positive statement about what is right in a situation, prior to launching into the negative aspects. You will find people respond better when they are acknowledged for what they have done right, or hear what is good about a situation.
5. Honesty:  Always be honest and try not to drum up flattering insincere words. People will pick up on this and will not take you seriously. Try this exercise to assist you in being forthright and honest. Avoid using words that are designed to manipulate others to get what you want. Be honest about what you want. Speak directly with confidence. This will leave others feeling you have their best interest in mind. It leaves them with a choice without feeling guilty.

These same exercises can be applied in the written form of communication as well. Paying attention to tone is key when writing. It is more difficult to catch the tone of someone’s meaning without hearing their voice, or looking at them for cues. Brush up on your written skills as necessary.

 

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

When a breakup occurs, picking up the pieces of our life can be a daunting task. It may seem impossible to imagine feeling “normal” again. The pain associated with a breakup can leave us feeling overwhelmed, confused, lonely and sad.

No matter the cause of the breakup, it disrupts your life in ways that are unsettling. However, there are ways to grow and learn from the experience, as you process the loss.

Overcoming loss

A breakup--whether a long-term dating relationship, or divorce--wreaks havoc on your emotions. The void left in your life after calling it quits is not easy to fill. It is very important to take care of yourself during this time.

After a relationship fails, feelings of intense grief, stress and regret over lost dreams and shared goals set in. Things are unfamiliar, and other relationships are affected. How to handle relationships with mutual friends and extended family members of whom you have become close too can be difficult and stressful to determine.

You may even question you own identity. Depending on the length of time together, more often than not, you shared everything from activities, to dining and hanging out.  You may begin to stress over questions like: How will you fill your time?  What will it be like to be alone?  Will you ever find someone else, or even want to?

• Don’t go it alone. Reach out to your family and close friends for support or join a support group. Bottling up your feelings will only heighten stress levels. Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling.
• Allow feelings. The idea of allowing ourselves to feel the hurt in our heart and mind is almost unbearable. However, it is a necessary step in grieving. You may experience feeling of anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. Recognize these feelings and realize where and why they are present. Work through it.
• Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings helps hash things out in your mind. Often it provides an outlet for frustration, or a place to record our future hopes and milestones. Be honest with yourself in your journa l. Don’t allow guilt to overcome you on the days you feel fine or you feel a renewed spirit within you. Relish them, there are more to come as healing progresses.
• Take things slowly. Give yourself a break. It is okay to feel differently than before. Rediscover your passions in life and slowly begin to venture out and act on them.

Remember to take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and remember you will move past the hurt. You can make it.

Lessons learned

From every crisis, an open door is before us, and a closed one behind. Take this time in between the two, to grow emotionally and spiritually. There will come a time when you will reflect on things you have learned from the experience.

To completely reconcile yourself from the breakup and move on, it is important to understand what happened and what role each of you played in the relationship, and ultimate breakup.

As you begin to heal and apply lessons learned from your decisions, you are likely not to make the same mistakes again.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Time becomes our taskmaster

Living in a society where our time is invaded at every turn, whether from cell phones, faxes, computers, skype, IMs, text, or other signals crossing our sphere, burnout is a real concern.

Burnout occurs when what you are doing, just doesn’t work for you anymore. Your once enthusiastic approach to a task now drains you, or feelings of apathy are more the norm, rather than hope and success.

When juggling work, family and social lives, time can become our taskmaster instead of our friend. Finding balance in your life will liberate you, and allow you to overcome burnout.

Signs of burnout

Often, when burnout, people drive themselves harder to makeup for deficits emotionally, physical or otherwise. Denial that a problem exists is common; therefore, identifying signs of burnout is important to our emotional and physical health.

Five signs of burnout:

• Irritability  When a person feels out of control or unable to mange their life, work or family commitments as desired, they can become troubled. Often this is manifested in the form or irritation or aggravation. When burnout occurs, this state is more constant. You may lash out at co-workers or loved ones.
• Trouble sleeping  Being stressed out and have multiple deadlines or unfinished business, can make it difficult to fall asleep or stay asleep. Sleep deprivation will cause you to perform poorly.
• Lack of energy  As burnout creeps in, your energy level drops. A lack of caring or concern sets in, and productivity goes down the drain.
• Concentration issues  Problems concentrating are common with burnout. When faced with overwhelming schedules and tasks, concentrating can be difficult.
• Emotional distress  When someone is burnout, being overly emotional is common. For example, you may burst into tears over a seemingly minor incident. On the other hand, you can begin to isolate yourself, and show no emotion to varying circumstances. Either can lead to depression.

Overcoming burnout

Identifying burnout is only part of the solution. Overcoming burnout takes commitment and work on your part. Below are some practical solutions you can implement in your life to eliminate burnout, and enrich your life.

Five steps to balance:

• Learn to say NO  Over commitment is common, and a part of the reason people burnout. While it is important to please the boss, assess your current workload before saying yes to the next deadline. Perhaps you should allow someone else to drive the soccer team to and from games, or provide the snacks.
• Get moving  Putting exercise in your schedule can make a world of difference. Exercise helps eliminate stress, clears the mind and keeps the body fit.
• Prioritize  Assess what you are responsible for presently, and make a list. Evaluate and eliminate. Complete outstanding items that are most important or pressing, and delegate less important tasks to others as appropriate.
• Get support  A healthy, happy life includes people we enjoy being around; those that bring joy and positive support to our lives. Identify the people that make up your support system. Others are in our lives to help us, co-workers, family, friends, clergy and counselors.
• Let go  Learn to let go of things you cannot control. You cannot save the world. Let go of any guilt you may feel about not being able to do it all.

 

 By Thomas Wright, M. Th.

View Thomas Wright's Profile 

 

WHAT ARE THE PHASES MARRIAGES GO THROUGH?

Marriages that last go through five different phases. Some marriages never last long enough to experience all of them and some marriages get bogged down in the middle end never mature.

Marriage is a developmental process. The first phase is romance. Romance is characterized by fantasy. You are not yet deeply acquainted with your spouse so you get to imagine them as you wish them to be. Each is putting his best foot forward to avoid discovery and disappointment.

The second phase is disillusionment. This occurs as you begin to discover that the real live human being sitting across from, you at the table is not exactly what you had imagined. Often a feeling of disappointment accompanies the displacement of hope and fantasy with reality.

At this point people usually settle in and try to improve things by working hard at being nice and accepting the things about their mate that disappoint or irritate them. Unfortunately, the harder you try, the worse you feel This leads to despair, which is the third phase of marriage.

The reason things get worse is that trying is lying, and closeness requires honesty. A crisis point is often reached in this phase. There are three ways to respond to this crisis; bail out through separation or divorce, settle in for a life of quiet desperation, or accept the challenge and work for growth.

The fourth phase, for those who accept the challenge is growth. This is a somewhat frightening process of ups and downs characterized by pain—gain experiences. Honest self—disclosure often leads to painful discoveries and readjustments. There seems to be a relationship between the amount of pain you are willing to experience in this process and the amount of gain you can expect in terms of a strong intimate relationship.

The fifth phase is maturing love. This kind of love is both joyful and sad. Mature love is love without innocence, love with a memory of the struggle. Couples who have been willing to go the distance can say, ‘There is someone who knows me through and through and loves me still.” This is what marriage is all about, isn’t it?

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Relationships, hormones and pressures

Teenage years are challenging for the teen and parents. Maintaining an open and communicative relationship with your teen is vital as they move through adolescence.

Hormonal changes, mood swings and peer pressure are a part of the growth process, however, it is important to be aware of subtle, and overt signs that trouble may be on the horizon.

While some unusual behavior is normal with teens, knowing your teen--how they generally react and interact with you--will help in identifying potential problems.

Red Flags

Following are signs to watch for that may indicate your teen is headed down the wrong path.

• Isolation:  During adolescence, a teenager typically distances themselves a bit more than before from family. Yet, if your teen is avoiding your advances toward conversation and interaction, there may be a problem. If they spend more time away from home or alone, locked in their room, a red flag should go up. This can be an indication of drug use or depression.
• Sudden weight loss and/or appetite change:  This behavior is indicative of peer and social pressures to look a certain way. An eating disorder, depression or drug use can be at the root of this conduct.
• Extreme mood swings:  Mood swings are a common thing with teens. Therefore, it is a bit more difficult to discern what is problematic and what is normal. However, knowing your teens normal reactions will assist you follow up accordingly. This behavior could be a sign of social problems; hanging out with the wrong crowd. Meet your teen’s friends and their parents. Know who they are spending their time with and what values their parents hold dear.
• Declining grades or lack of interest in school/activities:  Since teens have so much on their minds, at times, a lack of interest in school work could be chalked up as normal. However, if their grades are falling sharply, they are cutting classes and pulling out of activities once enjoyed, it is time to check-in. Get to know your teen’s teachers and find a way of communicating with them on a regular basis. Be involved in your adolescence education and school activities.
• Motivation issues: If your once spunky teen suddenly begins to seem more tired, and uninterested in hobbies and former friends, they could have a problem with substance abuse. They could be depressed or feeling isolated and alone. Talk with them, let them know you care. Be available to listen, love and offer advice, if needed.

Get Involved

If your teen is showing signs of unusual behavior, it is the parents’ responsibility to get to the bottom of what is going on. A child wants to know you are concerned and interested, even if they do not act like it.

It may feel like to you that you are spying on them or invading their privacy when checking up on them. Press forward, as it could mean the difference between life and death.

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Bullying: a new epidemic?

 

Bullying is becoming an epidemic in our schools, cyberspace, parks and other areas where kids hang out. Its affect on children can be lasting, even following them into adulthood. It is vital to deal with bullying swiftly and lovingly.

The times of a simple trip in the isle, just for the fun of it, between friends has passed. Today children are faced with far more intimidating tactics.

Often, kids are attacked while others look on, without going for, or helping the victim. Children are often afraid to say anything to anyone for fear of retaliation.

 

Know the signs

Identifying the signs of bullying is a key element in protecting your child, and keeping them safe.

Your child’s behavior will offer tell-tale signs bullying may be occurring. Following are a few things to watch for:

• Lack of appetite
• Decreased interest in school/social activities
• Few, if any close friends
• Trouble sleeping
• Stomach aches and other ailments
• Unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes
• Missing or damaged personal items
• Anxiety
• Isolation

How you can help 

If you notice you child manifesting any, or a number of these behaviors, it is time to talk--reach out with a kind, loving arm. Get as many details as you can about the bullying incidents. They may be reluctant to speak to you about the situation at first. Often this is because of misplaced blame or shame.

It is important to reassure your child they are safe. Express how much you want to help them overcome this situation. They are likely not the only child being harassed by the bully.

Talk with school officials, such as the counselor, principal or other significant policy makers about the danger your child is facing.

Be persistent, and follow up. Ensure changes are made to eliminate the threat. Furthermore, depending on the type of abuse your child is being subject to, criminal charges may be in order.

Talk to your child about how to handle the bullying. Encourage them to remain calm when confronted. Tell them to be firm when they speak to the aggressor. Offer suggestions of what they may say, such as: “Stop what you are doing right now.” Stress the importance of walking away. Never encourage aggression, or similar bad behavior.

Encourage your child to make friends with people in his class. Children should walk in pairs or small non-threatening groups. Especially when going to the bathroom, lunch, playground and other potentially isolated areas.

General rule of thumb

Monitor your child’s activity. Such as, know who their friends are, and be involved as much as you can in their lives. Be careful of what you allow your children to watch on television and videos. Behavior breeds behavior, and violence can lead to violence.

Computers are a way of life these days. As such, the newest form of bullying or threat can come from the internet. As much, if not more, as you would monitor what your children read and watch, the same should apply to the internet. Cyber bullying has lead to mental breakdowns, violent acts, sexual assaults, murder and suicide. Any type of bullying has this potential. If suppressed, an individual can move through life harboring a lot of resentment, guilt and shame.

Knowing when to intervene and get professional help is paramount. It can eliminate or assist in treating more complicated mental conditions, such as anxiety disorders, resulting from bullying.

 

By Debra Bacon

Theravive.com Contributor

Simple is better

Family time and simpler lifestyles are winning out over consumerism these days. Considering the shaky economies around the globe, individuals and families are scaling back on their spending.

With rising unemployment figures and uncertain futures, people are strategizing their escape from the prison of debt. By paying off debt, reducing discretionary spending and opting to save money, materialism is losing its grasp on society.

Taking charge of your debt and deciding to scale back your lifestyle requires change. Change is rarely comfortable. Difficult decisions and sacrifices must be made to accomplish your goals.

Taking charge

Following are some tips to help you take charge of your life, finances and lifestyle.

• Determine what you want to change about your financial picture and lifestyle. For example, you may want to be debt free within five to seven years; you may have a desire to grow your own food, or become a stay-at-home mom or dad.
• Set reasonable goals and timeframes to reach your dream. Strive for specific milestones leading you to your overall goal. This allows you to see your success in smaller chunks, as you chip away at the whole.
• Assess your current financial picture. Determine how much overall debt you have and to whom it is owed. Calculate your monthly income, and compare the differences of inflow versus outflow.
• Set your first milestone as complete. Knowing the state of your affairs will relieve you of an amazing amount of stress. Realizing you are working to take charge of your circumstances is huge.
• Make a list of each creditor and the amount owed them.
• Define a plan that allows you to pay more toward the smallest balance first, until it is satisfied. Continue this pattern until they are all knocked out, or at least well on their way.
• Reward yourself in some way for your diligence as each milestone is reached. Perhaps you have not been out to dinner in months as a part of your effort to scale back; this may be a reward you agree is reasonable, for example.
• Stay focused on your plan and you will achieve your desired end.

Living the life

As you downsize you will find there are things you no longer have need of. It is important to determine whether you will sell these items or donate them to charity.

Depending on your goal, a move may be in order. Transportation may change, and jobs/roles may shift, or be redefined. Yet as you scale back your lifestyle, you will enjoy more free time and experience a healthier life.

Stress is responsible for many major health conditions and diseases. Often, we are unaware how much we are affected by stress as we struggle day-to-day to make ends meet. Moreover, social stress, such as the “keeping up with the Joneses” mentality can lead to a tremendous amount of peer pressure. This type of pressure can lead to depression, even death, if we perceive we have failed.

So, start living the life, take charge of your life, as you begin your journey to scale back.