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March 7, 2014
by Casey Truffo, LMFT

Are You Really Over Your Ex?

March 7, 2014 04:55 by Casey Truffo, LMFT  [About the Author]

Understanding the Feelings and Moving On

You’ve moved on and found your new guy and things are going pretty well – or so you thought. The guy you’re with is really nice and tries his best to make you happy, but there is something about him that is, in your opinion, “missing”. You often find yourself reminiscing of times with your ex and comparing it to your present relationship and you don’t know how to stop. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. After a breakup most women have some form of regret, sadness, or even curiosity about what might have been. In fact, women are more likely to wonder about their ex than men.

Why Are You Preoccupied With Your Ex?

So why in the world are you even concerned with your ex? The relationship is over, so why is your heart or mind still focused on him? Well, there are plenty of reasons as to why this could be the case and a few of them are listed below:

  1. Unwilling to accept the loss of a relationship – When you’ve invested a lot of time, love and energy in a relationship, the very essence of it falling apart is very hard to accept.
  2. Not having closure – Women are creatures of conversation, and if the relationship ended on a bad note or without them having an opportunity to talk about it, it can feel as if there is no closure.
  3. Too Many Losses – If this is your third or fourth real try at a relationship it can be hard or too much to bear coming to terms with the fact that this relationship failed as well. When you accept that this one has failed, you’re forced to realize that all the others have failed and thus denial feels better than acceptance.
  4. Trying to fill a void – for women who didn’t have a father in their lives, the need to chase or make peace within a relationship is heightened. Thus you begin pining after your ex even though he is unavailable.

 Getting past your ex is also much more difficult when you valued the relationship you were in more than you valued yourself.

 How Can this Affect Your Current Relationship?

Whether you’ve moved on to a new person because you thought you were over your ex, or as a method to get over your ex faster, this could be very problematic for your relationship. Nobody wants to be compared to someone else and a new beau most certainly does not want to know that you have lingering feelings for your ex. Not completely getting over your ex could mean that you are idealizing them.

What is Idealizing?

You believe that the way your ex treated you and everything about him was perfect for you and thus you want nothing less than this from whoever is next. Trying to create a mold out of your ex for others to follow will only lead to disappointment in future relationships and help your current relationship end badly. While there may be some qualities about your ex that you liked, you cannot force the next guy into your ex's mold or compare him.

What Can You Do

  1. Give Yourself a Reality Check – You have to give yourself a dose of tough love. Realizing that the relationship is over - for good - is a great start. The relationship ended for a reason and whether that reason was your ex or you, sometimes coming to grips with the reasons it ended can make you realize he is not that “perfect prince charming” that your mind has conjured him up to be.
  2. Don't Be So Quick to Start a New Relationship –In an effort to pacify the sorrow, you may look to someone else to fill the void. Moving into a new relationship too quickly is never the answer as you take unwanted baggage along with you for your new beau to deal with.  If you are really idealizing your ex, the only way to let that go is to take time to get closure before diving into a new relationship. During this time allow yourself to really grieve the loss of the relationship, reflect on why it went wrong, and really get over it.
  3. Cease All Contact – If you are in any way still in touch with your ex LET HIM GO. This means no more texting, un-friend or block him on social media (and any friends linked to him), and get rid of anything from the past that will remind you of him.

Getting over a relationship breakup is never easy to do, but now that you see how it affects your new guy you can appreciate the importance of getting past it. Hopefully these tips will provide insight on how you can learn to let go of your past and move on to new relationships.

If you've been struggling with letting go of a past relationship and feel trapped in a pattern of bad choices in new relationships, you may want to consider seeking the help of a trained professional.You deserve to have a great love life.  Let’s see if we can make yours better. The Orange County Relationship Center counselors look forward to connecting with you. Book your appointment online today, via our online calendar, or give us a call at 949-220-3211.

About the Author

OC Relationship Center OC Relationship Center, LMFT

We started OC Relationship Center because we believe that relationships are the place where everyone should feel the safest and experience the most joy. And that is what our entire mission is based upon. That relationship may be with someone you love, live with, work with or even yourself. Our caring, professional and licensed clinicians want to help you with the skills to get what you want in your relationships - whether you are single, dating, living together, married, divorced or widowed.

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1400 Bristol Street North, Suite 245B
Newport Beach, California
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Phone: (949) 220-3211
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