December 13, 2013
by Casey Truffo, LMFT
Are you living in a marriage without sex? Are you having less sex that you feel is appropriate or that you need to be satisfied? If your answer is yes, you are living in a sexless marriage.
Everybody has a different sex drive. Some people want to have sex every night, others want to have sex three times a week, and some are satisfied having sex only once a month. The problem occurs if you and your spouse have very different sexual appetites. Therefore, if you want to have sex three times a week, and your spouse wants to have sex once a month, you are, in fact, living in a sexless marriage.
About one in every five marriages can be defined as sexless. Imagine being in a marriage where your spouse withholds sex because your spouse is satisfied with having sex a lot less often that you are. If you are the one who is suffering due to lack of sex, it is common for you to feel unattractive and even unwanted by your spouse. However, it is most likely not about you and whether or not you are attractive. It is about your spouse having a lower libido than you. Being able to fix this problem depends on where the problem is coming from in the first place. Once you identify what is causing your marriage to be sexless, there are specific things you can do to find a solution. First, understand the common causes of being in a sexless marriage.
- No time for sex - Due to responsibilities, including working full time, paying the bills, doing household chores, and parenting, parents are physically exhausted. Many times, the last thing they want to think about is having sex. So, how do you fix that? Build some time into your busy schedules to rest and relax. When everything is "go, go, go" in your lives, there is no time to maintain a bond as a couple.
- Lack of communication – Is your partner aware that you need more sex in your relationship? Most couples rarely talk about sex. Many people act as though sex is an action, but is never a topic of discussion. Let your partner know what you need, what you like and don't like during sex, and ask your partner to tell you the same information. Talking about sex can lead to having more sex!
- Lack of together time - In today's world it is not uncommon for spouses to work different shifts. While this may work for childcare, carpooling, or other reasons, it is not the best situation for a couples sex life over a long period of time. If you are never together as a couple and never do anything together, you should consider making a change. Spouses who work different shifts and never make time for date nights or just to reconnect, often feel as though they are in a marriage of convenience. Spouses can feel more like roommates than lovers.
- Depression - Loss of sex drive can be caused by depression. There are various reasons you or your spouse may feel depressed, and it is important that you support each other in dealing with depression. Suggest your spouse seek professional help in dealing with their depression.
- Childhood Sexual Issues - If you or your spouse had any type of sexual issues as children, those events will most likely come into play in your perception of sexual relationships and intimacy. In this instance, seeking professional help can be instrumental in working through issues from the past so you can be free to have a great sexual relationship with your spouse.
If you feel that you have done everything you can to get to the bottom of the issues at hand, but your sex life still isn’t where you’d like it to be, don't give up just yet. There are also other things to consider. Is your partner having an affair? Are there medical reasons that interfere with having sex? Is someone overwhelmed or stressed with childcare responsibilities or with their career? The bottom line is this. Lack of sex, or a dramatic decrease in sex in your marriage, points to a bigger problem that needs a closer look.
If you are suffering from living in a sexless marriage, it would be very beneficial for you to seek help from a professional counselor. The counselors at the Orange County Relationship Center are experienced, trained professionals who can help you work through these issues and help you and your spouse get back on track to a fulfilling sex life. Call us today at 949-220-3211 or use our online calendar to set up an appointment that is convenient for your schedule. You deserve to have a great sex life!