Theravive Home

You’ve been invited to a party that you’re dreading. But you feel rude declining the invitation.

But there’s good news: research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that people often overestimate the social consequences of saying no. 

“We overestimate the negative ramifications of declining invitations (e.g., how upset the inviter will be, how sad they will be, etc.),” Julian Givi, PhD, lead author of the study and an assistant professor at West Virginia University told Theravive. 

Givi was inspired to undertake the research after having an invitation dilemma of his own.

“I was invited to a wedding that was a bit of a hassle to get to. I really wanted to say no but didn't because I was concerned about upsetting the people who invited me. I thought I might me exaggerating things, hence stemming the idea,” he said.

In a pilot study, 77% of respondents said they had accepted an invitation to something they didn’t want to attend because they were worried about the potential consequences if they declined. 

Once the researchers had this preliminary data, they enlisted 2000 participants to examine whether their fears were valid.

They conducted five different experiments with the participants. In one of the experiments, the participants were asked to read about a scenario in which they either invited a friend or were invited by a friend to a dinner at a local restaurant on a Saturday night with a celebrity chef.

Those who were invited in the scenario were asked to image they chose to decline because they had plans throughout the day and wanted to stay home and relax during the evening.

Those who were doing the inviting in the scenario were asked to imagine their friends declined for the previously mentioned reason.

The researchers found that the participants who had to imagine declining the invitation from their friend often thought that it would have immediate and negative consequences for their friendship.

Those who declined were more likely to think that their friend would be disappointed or angry with them and would be unlikely to invite them to future events.

“We want to please the people who invited us. They're our friends, family, etc., and clearly they want to spend time with us. It can be difficult to tell them something they obvious don't want to hear. As our research shows, we overestimate just how bad it will be if we say no,” Givi said.

Those who declined the invitation were more likely to say their friend would focus on the rejection of the invitation, rather than the reasoning behind it.

In reality, those who did the inviting in the scenario and who had friends decline their invitation were less likely to think declining would have ramifications for the friendship.

In another experiment 160 people took part in a couples survey with their partner. Among the couples, 4% had been together for less than six months, 1% had been in a relationship for six to 12 months, 21% had been in a relationship for one to five years and 74% had been together for more than five years.

In the experiment, one person from the couple was asked to leave the room. The member of the couple that remained in the room wrote down an invitation for their partner for an activity in the next few weeks. Examples included see a movie, go to a restaurant or go hiking.

The couple who made the invitation then left the room, and the other partner returned.

Once the returning partner had read the invitation, they were asked to write down a rejection.

Once more, the couple switched places and the inviter read the rejection. 

The researchers found that regardless of how long the couple had been in a relationship, the person who rejected their partner’s invitation thought that their partner would be angry or upset or feel as if their partner rejecting their invitation meant they didn’t care about their partner.

Across all of the other experiments, the researchers consistently found that invitees often overestimate the negative consequences of declining a social invitation. They found that people who decline invitations tend to overestimate the extent to which the person who invited them will focus on the declined invitation.

Givi says the research demonstrates there is no harm in declining social invitations occasionally, especially if a person doesn’t want to go.

“Don't be afraid to decline an invite here or there," he said.

"Though, do keep in mind that spending time with others is good for relationships, so don't skip every invite!”