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By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ~George Santayana As a huge history buff, I want so much for my children to have a love for it as well. To me, history tells a story much better than fiction and teaches us to better understand the world around us. The questions “who are we” and “where did we come from” are answered through history. These are important questions in defining the world as we know it and understanding the worldviews of others. There are many places I want to be able to take my children for this purpose. These places are good for family fun and make history something that is enjoyable to young minds. Hopefully, they will inspire a love of history for my children and yours as well. Charleston, South Carolina Charleston, South Carolina is brimming with history. This is a perfect vacation spot to learn about a very important part of our nation’s history, catch some sun on the beautiful beaches and get a great seafood meal. Charleston is where the Civil War began. The first shot was fired from Fort Sumter, which is visible from Battery Park. You and your family can get on the ferry boat and cruise over to the fort for a tour. This can be an exciting for children, especially if they have never been on a ferry ride. The fort is in excellent condition and has been preserved very well. The tour will make this era come alive for both children and adults, making all involved want to know more of the history surrounding Charleston and the Civil War. In addition to the tour of Fort Sumter, there are several homes and plantations in Charleston that can make history touch your child’s mind. The best one that I experienced as a child was Boone Hall Plantation. Here you will tour the main house on the plantation. It contains most of the original furniture and has the slave quarters intact for exploring as well. (The history of slavery in the United States has always been of interest to me since being introduced to it in Charleston.) The tours are given by people in period dress, making it fun for children and allowing them to really experience that time in history. To inspire your child’s love for history, Charleston is a must. Salem, Massachusetts Many children love witches, ghosts and goblins. This is why Salem is the perfect place to take a vacation if you want to get them into history. Massachusetts was one of the original 13 colonies so it has much history to share. Here your child can learn about the Puritan people, their way of life and what it was like to live in Massachusetts during the 1600’s. They may be especially interested in the Salem Witch Trials that took place in 1692. There are several places in Salem to learn about this time in history but the most visited is the Salem Witch Museum. There you will find out about the bleak time in history where regular people were accused of being supernatural beings and being put to death for their “crimes”. The most compelling feature of this museum is the stage show that is given. It is a dramatic showing and really pulls you back into history. As a child I remember reading the book about the Witch Trials and being so taken with the history that I had to know more. Most children enjoy stories about witches so Salem is the perfect place to show them their real part in history. Washington, D.C. Our nation’s capital is a great place to get your children involved in history. There are so many things to do that can spark their interest in the past and keep them wanting to learn more. One must see in D.C. is the Smithsonian Museum. It would be more accurate to say museums as there are 19 separate sites for the Smithsonian. The museum of American history is a fantastic collection of history that will excite your children’s minds. Here they can see our first president’s uniform, Thomas Jefferson’s lap desk and the ruby slippers worn by Dorothy herself in the movie the Wizard of Oz. They will also see historic items left behind by first ladies’, original machines that were built for communication, items from everyday domestic homes and pieces of original military history. You can then head over to the air and space museum and learn about air travel, starting with its birth. The very first plane constructed by the Wright Brothers in on display and is a big hit with children. Space travel is also well illustrated and the night sky can come to life in the show seen in the planetarium. From American history to the American Indian Museum and the history of space travel to the history of motor car travel, you can spend a week going through all the collections contained within the halls of the Smithsonian buildings. Looking back, I can honestly say that this location was the top inspiration I had for falling in love with history. But, the museums are not place to go for historic inspiration. The White House and the Lincoln Memorial are also fantastic places to visit. These tell the story of our nation’s birth and history in a way that one will never forget. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Even though Washington, D.C. is our nation’s capital, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania is the birthplace of America herself. This is the place where the founding fathers of our country lived and the place where the Declaration of Independence was signed. If you want your children to really understand how the country was born, this is the place to go. One of the coolest attractions for your child in this town is The Liberty Bell. The history of the bell will be explained right down to the visible crack in its side and why it is an important symbol for America. Your next stop should be Independence Hall. Here you will get the tour of a lifetime. Guides dressed in period clothing will take you through the hall where the Declaration of Independence was signed and re-enact that important day in history. Finally, you should not miss Franklin Court. This is the spot in which Benjamin Franklin’s home stood. Though it was burned to the ground long ago, there is a steal framed outline where the house once sat and a post office in which you can send someone special a post card that has the hand stamped post mark made with the original stamp belonging to Franklin himself. How many children can say that they held Benjamin Franklin’s post mark stamp in their very own hands? The places I have spoken of are a few of the many historic places that your children will love. You do not even have to leave your own state to find history that will inspire your children. History is everywhere. If travel is not possible, begin in your own town’s historic society. Learning about the history of your own town can get that spark going. Once this happens the flame will grow and your children will hunger for more information from the past.

ByTanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Once upon a time, Bipolar Disorder was only a mental illness recognized in adults. Over the past few years however, this disorder has become something that has been recognized in children. Many feel that this is just the new buzz diagnosis from the medical community, but I have personally seen cases of bipolar disorder in children. Maybe more kids are diagnosed with this serious disorder then should be, but regardless of that, it is a real disorder that does touch the lives of children. What is Bipolar Disorder? Once known as manic depression, bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes your mood and energy to shift in dramatic ways. There are severe ups and downs in the mood of a person suffering from bipolar disorder. This is difficult for adults to deal with even though they have an understanding of what is going on, but for children, it can be very scary. Most children are not capable of understanding such an illness and it can make them abnormal and distanced from others their age. Typically, this illness develops during the late teenage years or during the early adult years, but it is now becoming clearer that signs and symptoms are beginning to show during early childhood. What are the Symptoms? People with bipolar disorder have intense mood swings. They can be overjoyed and completely blissful or they can be dangerously angry or deeply depressed. It has been found that children with bipolar disorder tend to experience odd sleep patterns, changes in energy levels and change is amounts of activity compared to how they usually behave and engage. Other signs and symptoms include: ØThe child experiencing an overly hyper or silly mood that is not typical ØShort temperedness ØRacing thoughts ØInability to concentrate ØPartaking in risky behavior that goes beyond typical childhood mischief. ØStaying in a sad mood ØHaving little interest in things that used to be enjoyable ØNoticeable changes in eating ØThoughts of death or talking about death ØSevere behavior problems beyond what is normal for the child You may look at this list and worry that your child may suffer from bipolar disorder but rest assured, most children have at least a few of these symptoms. They may be going through a stage that will soon pass. The important thing when looking at a list of signs and symptoms is to remember that your child is not bipolar simply because he his one or two symptoms. Many other things are taken into consideration before a diagnosis this serious is given. How is Diagnosis Made in Children? While there are no medical tests that can give a proper diagnosis for bipolar disorder, things such as blood tests and brain scans may be used. This is not to determine if your child is bipolar but to rule out any other medical possibility. When it comes right down to it, the only real way to be diagnosed is through careful questioning and observation. Questions about your child’s habits such as sleep patterns, eating habits, and mood changes will be covered as well as family history. If someone else in your family has bipolar disorder than your child is at more of a risk of getting it as well. The final diagnosis is made from the guidelines found in the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The DSM has defined four specific types of bipolar disorder: ØBipolar 1 Disorder ØBipolar 2 Disorder ØBipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ØCyclothymic Disorder Your child’s health care professional will do a case study and determine which type of bipolar disorder your child has, if any. Differences for Children vs. Adults While the symptoms tend to be the same, studies have shown that when a child is found to have bipolar disorder, the symptoms come on in a much more severe way. Adults with bipolar disorder can get the illness under control more easily. This is not so for children. It appears that children who are bipolar tend to have more frequent mood shifts that are more severe in nature. They also are sick more often than other children. Suicidal thoughts are also very common in bipolar children. These signs must be taken very seriously. Having an illness like this can be very confusing for a child and therefore harder to cope with. Treating the Bipolar Child While there is not a cure for bipolar disorder, there are ways to treat it in both adults and children. The main treatments are therapy and medication. Many times it is beneficial to use both of these to get the most out of the treatment. While medication can be a good thing for the bipolar child, doctors are still in the early stages of treating children with this disorder and only have adult studies to go on. Studies have been started on this topic though since the diagnosis is becoming more common. This is an important point to remember because the way children respond and react to psychiatric drugs can be very different than how adults respond and react. Some doctors are beginning to use adult medications in an experimental capacity on children with bipolar disorder. Currently, there are only three drugs approved by the FDA to treat bipolar children: ØLithium ØRisperidone (Risperdal) ØAripiprazone (Abilify) Also commonly used are mood stabilizers and antidepressants. Be sure to know all the side effects of these types of medications before your children begin taking them. Watch closely and report any adverse reactions to the prescribing physician. Therapy for Bipolar Children In addition to medication, therapy can be very useful in helping your child to work within his or her capacity to deal with their disorder. An especially useful tool is cognitive behavioral therapy. With this type of treatment your child can learn how to change any harmful patterns of thoughts and behaviors. In some cases, family therapy may be needed as having a bipolar child can take its emotional toll on the family unit as a whole. Having a child with bipolar disorder can be a major challenge for you and for them. They are scared and you are their protectors. It can be hard to stay strong for them and you do not have to do it alone. If you find yourself needing more support take to the web and find a parental support group where you can find other parents who have children with bipolar disorder. This can be very cathartic and if you are feeling stronger then you can pass some of that strength onto your child.

The family of today is typically a very busy unit. Most households require both parents to work in o [More]

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor In today’s world our children have things that we never dreamed of having as children! The internet is wonderful in and of itself but social networking has been a main focus of the web since MySpace was created. It was all downhill from there as other companies decided to jump on the social networking bandwagon. Now the two largest social networking sites are Facebook and MySpace and boy do kids and teenagers love those sites! As a parent, I am fine with my children using their Facebook accounts. But, there are responsibilities that come with using such technologies and this is what your children must learn to be safe on social networking sites. What Goes on the Internet Stays on the Internet When we are teenagers we did very little deep thinking as to what the consequences of our present behaviors can mean to our future. The wrong thing posted online can haunt you forever. Every comment, every picture, every behavior-good and bad, stays etched in stone on the World Wide Web. This is something that must be driven home to your children. Of course though they will think you are overreacting and have no clue what you are talking about. After all, we are just parents so what do we know? We were never teenager’s right? I remember thinking that about my parents as a teenager and now I can look back and understand that they did know what they were talking about and most of it was right on the money, although I did not see it at the time. Here are the things that your teen needs to understand about the consequences of their actions dealing with social networking. ØDo not post any pictures that you would not want your parents, teachers, grandparents, or church clergy to see. If they would find it questionable then so would others. ØWatch the language you use on your Facebook or other social networking site. Again, if you would not be proud to show others this language then you do not want it on your page. ØDo not talk about behaviors that you know are harmful, illegal, or dangerous. ØDo not gossip, pick on, or otherwise slander others on your page or anyone else’s. ØDo not pick fights, threaten, or allow yourself to be baited into an altercation online. You Never Know Who is Checking on You These are not just a random list of no-no’s. Each one has a reason behind it and most of it has to do with your child’s future and what it will become. In today’s technological society, there are many people who will examine ones Facebook or MySpace page. This is done for many reasons. Colleges If you’re teen plans on being college bound, once his or her application is received they are going to be examined and investigated. One of the first things that colleges do today is look up the applicants social networking pages. If when they go to their page and see a picture of your child in sexual poses or engaging in drinking or drugs then that application will go in the denied pile. Even if your teen has had these pictures removed, they are still there somewhere! Again, just because you delete it does not mean it is gone. The internet saves everything you do. Potential Employers As with colleges, many employers want to see your social networking sites too. They feel that they can get to know one’s character better by doing this. If they see questionable pictures, comments, or behaviors on the page then the probability of getting that job is almost zero. Employers tend to dig deep in order to find the best and most reputable employees for their company. Someone who curses and insults others or posts pictures of themselves drinking and partying will not make the cut. Big Brother is Watching Well-maybe not Big Brother but close enough. Officers and other government officials do keep watch on social networking sites. If someone is using these sites to threaten, abuse, bully, or otherwise mistreat someone else then they can be looking at a very serious situation. Communicating threats is a crime in every state and by doing so in a public forum you are opening up yourself for some big time trouble. Again, you can delete your comments but they ARE STILL THERE. Deadly Consequences Over the past few years there have been several cases where, due to activity on social networking sites, teenagers have committed suicide. What is the cause of this drastic action? Typically it is because someone has bullied them on a social networking site where other outsiders have joined in until the teen was so overwhelmed by the attacks that they take their own lives. To find out who played a role in the death of the teen, law enforcement uses proof found on the social networking sites. Each person who verbally attacked or threatened the victim can be held responsible for the suicide. While I am sure that those involved never meant for the victim to take their own life, they did play a part and legally speaking, often must pay the price for that. Losing Credibility Another case of harm done due to social networking deals with a college professor, a student, and an internship director. The college student applied for an internship with a prestigious company and the sole reason she was awarded the position was because of the glowing letter of recommendation her college professor wrote for her. Once she began the internship the employer came across her Facebook and was furious with the professor who recommended her so highly. On her page were pictures of her in engaged in sexual behavior, heavy drinking, and drug use. The professor’s only excuse was that the girl he knew was a nice and studious person and he had never thought to look at her Facebook page. The girl lost her internship position and the professor lost his credibility with the employing company. Conclusion It is clear why you should stress responsible and respectful behavior to your children and teens when it comes to what they post on the internet. Something you did when you were 16 can, and often times does, have a profound effect on the things you do in the future. For a young person it may seem like a small issue but if they do not grasp this information now, by the time they do realize you were correct it may just be too late. As a parent you have a right to know what your child is doing online. Make it a rule that you will have to know all their passwords so you can check on what they are doing whenever you feel the need to do so. If you find something that is contrary to the responsibilities you have explained to them then you may have to go over the list again or maybe even take their computer privileges for a set amount of time. For repeat offenses it may be necessary to have their social networking sites deleted until you feel they are able to use them responsibly. You must do whatever it takes and they may be angry with you at the moment, but in the future they will thank you for being such vigilant parents and for protecting them from themselves.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor There are many challenges a parent of a special needs child faces. The one I have most recently had to deal with is my son’s transition to a new school. For a special needs child, change can be very difficult. Many of these children rely on routine and consistency, so when a major change comes, it can be very scary for them and the parents as well. Helping them (and yourself) becomes top priority when change occurs. Changing Schools Though your special needs child may be in a self contained classroom, they still have to change grades and therefore teachers and schools. This can be a stressful experience for the child and for you as well. My son has just entered middle school (grades 6-8). The school he had been at previously (grades 3-5) was a place that he had grown accustom to, as did I. He had the same teacher and teacher’s assistant for the past 2 years. The school was fairly small and he knew where to go for everything he needed and also knew all of the staff. He was comfortable with this school and the staff, as was I. Knowing he had to change to a new school this year was something at the front of my mind for quite some time. When you have a special needs child you worry about all sorts of things. Will his teachers give him what he needs? Will the other kids be kind to him? Will he be able to navigate the new school without getting scared and lost? There are so many things to consider and I will share what I have done and what you can do to, to help yourself and your special needs child. Tips to Quell Your Fears The first thing anyone of a special needs child should do before sending them to a new school is to visit the school yourself with your child. This is the first step in ensuring the needs of your child will be met. When you meet with your child’s teacher, ask questions! Have a list of questions with you so you do not forget something you may feel important. In order to feel better about your child’s new situation, have the new teacher explain to you how their daily routine works. Even special needs children in a self contained classroom participate in elective classes. This means that they will likely spend at least some time with the regular classes. Make sure you know what their schedule is so if you need to check up on them you know exactly where they are and when. Not only do you need to ask questions, you must also assert yourself by telling the staff that will be working with your child about his or her needs. For example, my son can only read, write, and spell his first and last name. This is something I want them to be aware of so they do not just give him work to do and expect that he will complete it by himself. Also, if you child has any problem with self care issues, make this known. Tell the teacher if you child needs help with buttons or zippers for instance. If your child takes medication be sure to let their teacher and the other staff involved in his or her care know about this. Make sure the dosage and frequency are made known and when the child takes the medication. If your child must take medication at school, make sure you are aware of the schools policy on medication at school. Usually there are rules about this and there must be a doctor’s note of file for the medication to be used at school. In addition to that, your child will most likely not be allowed to carry the medication with them but must leave it at the office instead. When it is time to take the medication, your child will be sent to the office to get it from the staff. Get Informed About Classroom Policy Some teachers welcome parents to pop in whenever they would like to. In my opinion, this is the most ideal situation. If this is allowed and/or encouraged, do so as often as you can! A teacher that wants the parent involved and in the classroom is a teacher who finds it important for the parents to participate in the education process. It also says to me that the teacher has nothing to hide and do not mind the parents seeing how they handle their classroom. Many times schools are underfunded and the teachers actually welcome help from the parents. This is a fantastic way to be involved in your child’s education and be able to keep an eye on them as well! Issues for the Custodial Parent Some children are from a divorced family and some are even in danger from the absent parent .This is the case with my son who was shaken by his biological father. This happened so long ago and the judgment was that I was to have full custody and the biological father would never be allowed to be near him again. Every school he has been in took my word as to the custody issue and it was listed that his biological father would never be allowed access to him. Now that he is in a different school things have changed. Due to the size of the new school they are very strict on custody policies and require that each parent have a copy of custody on file at the school. If this is a concern for you be sure to check out your child’s school policy on this. If there is a rule about absent parents having access to their children if no custody papers are on file, you need to be aware of this and take the proper steps. With no custody papers, the only thing the school can do to stop the absent parent from acquiring the child is place a courtesy call to you and try to stall for the time it takes for you to arrive and intervene. This is VERY IMPORTANT. The law states that if the parents name on the birth certificate matches the identification the parent is carrying, the school legally has no choice but to release the child UNLESS there are custody papers on file at the school. While you may think that the absent parent would never try to take your child from their school, it is always best to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Conclusion Though it can be a scary experience for your entire family, switching your special needs child to a new school is just one of many new changes your child will have to face in their lives. Be strong for them so they can feel confident about being able to handle the change. If you have to walk your child to class for a few weeks until he or she can make their own way, do it, as it can also help to ease your own anxiety. Keep in regular contact with your child’s teacher because sharing information is good for all involved and can help the child both at school and at home. Above, all fight for your child. If you feel that they are not getting what they need at their new school, speak up! You are their voice and must be loud and unwavering.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Protecting Your Children in the Digital Age When I was a child we played outside until our parents called us in for supper or when it got dark, whichever one came first. We played hide and seek and tag, and rode our bikes. Television was a treat that we only got to an hour, or maybe two, per day. We knew who our neighbors were and we knew where the dangers were as well. Sadly, the world that I grew up in is now gone and the dangers our parents faced pale in comparison to what the parents of today have to worry over. I knew not to talk to strangers and not to go with someone I did not know. But, today, strangers can reach our children in places we would have never thought imaginable in the past. With computers, cell phones, and other technological items, danger is lurking around every corner and it is difficult to know where it may come from and how to protect our children from it. This is a scary world we live in. While we cannot protect our children from everything all of the time, there are some preventative measures that can be taken in order to help ensure their safety. It is enough to make you shudder. The Internet: Full of Information and Full of Danger The World Wide Web can be a wonderful place. Who could have imagined that one day we would have any information we wanted right at our fingertips? We use it to work, we use it play, and we use it to keep in contact with family and friends around the globe. Schools have started doing away with hard copy text books and traditional teaching and instead opting for using computers are the main teaching and learning tools. People have little use for libraries anymore and when is the last time anyone can remember finding a door to door encyclopedia salesman on their doorstep? There is no need for such things in the day in age! Do you need to know how to make a roast chicken? Look it up on the internet. Need to know when each president of the United States was born? Again, use the internet. I am not saying this is a good or bad thing. It is just a fact. And it is for the most part, quite useful. Our children can do their school reports and find every bit of information they need on one machine. They can chat with their friends from school without tying up the phone lines (for those of you who still have a land line). Yes, these are good things come with having internet access. However, with the good always comes the bad and when it comes to the internet, there is a significant amount of the bad. With the growing popularity of social websites such as Face Book and MySpace, people are able to contact your children with ease. For the most part, the people that your children have on their friends list are pals from school and family members, but there are also many people who reach out to children online who are predators. One downside to the internet is that you can be whoever you want to be. Your daughter may receive a friend request from someone who says they are a boy her age living in another country. Your son may receive a friend request from a girl his age claiming to go to a neighboring high school. In reality the young man may be a 40 year old man surfing for his next victim and the young girl may be 34 year old woman who has a thing for young boys. The person befriending your child may be a killer, a rapist, a kidnapper, or a child molester. Internet identities can be very elusive. While the web is a wonderful place to educate yourself it is also the best thing that has ever happened to child predators. This is why educating your children on the dangers of the internet and laying down ground rules for internet usage is so important to their safety. Knowledge if Power It would be impossible to keep your child away from the internet. You can find it everywhere; home, school, friend’s houses, libraries; cell phones all have internet access. Also, you do not really want to keep them away from it. The internet holds wonderful discoveries for them and will most likely play an important part in their education and possibly even their adult careers. Since you cannot keep them away from it then you must educate them on the dangers they can, and most likely will, encounter. Talk to your children honestly about what is out there. Give them the freedom to access the internet but only under certain conditions, letting them know that the rules must be followed if they want to keep the privilege of internet usage. The rules should be specific and non-negotiable. · Computer use will be done in a central part of the home where their activity can be monitored. Being alone in their bedroom is a no-no. This is not to say that you should not trust your children but please understand that their ability to make the right choices has not developed highly enough to trust that they will handle certain situations properly all of the time. · As the parent, you should have every password to every account your child has. This includes social network sites and emails. You should be able to access any of your child’s accounts at anytime and should do so often. Monitoring their online behavior can help to ensure their safety. If they do not want to give you their passwords then they do not get to use the internet. Make it clear that you do not want this information in order to spy on them or because you do not trust them. They may not believe you but at least you are being a responsible parent and making sure that they are okay. · Look over the friends who you children socialize with online. If you do not know some of them, ask questions. If your child admits to having met them online and not knowing them in the real world, do some investigating. If you cannot find any valid information or verify who they really are block all contact. Even if you find yourself suspicious of someone, step in. Gut feelings are usually right and should be followed. Always err on the side of caution. · Block websites. There are many sites with content that you may fell is inappropriate for your children. Use the computers parental controls to ensure that your child does not have access to any place you do not feel is appropriate. · Check the history on any computer your children use. Find out where they have been going and who they have been connecting with. · For any parent who feels that their child cannot be trusted to do the right thing online, make it a rule that they cannot use the internet when they are home alone. Some children are savvy enough to know how to delete browsing history so you cannot see what they have been up to. Talk to Your Children About the Dangers of the Internet Talking to your children is the most important thing in keeping them safe. Setting rules in important and helpful, but without telling them why the rules have been set it is pointless. They will simply think you are being mean or unfair or trying to ruin their lives. (The last one is my favorite. It is typical teenage mellow drama.) · Tell your children about internet predators. They need to know that they cannot trust everyone and especially not someone they have befriended from on internet meeting. · Let them know that if they feel uncomfortable or in any way threatened by someone they are talking to online that they should come to you right away. They do not need to try to handle it alone. I actually tested this one on my stepdaughter one night. While she was on the computer in the family room I got on mine in the bedroom. I made up a male screen name and started chatting with her. She was polite at first but once I asked where she lived and if I could come see her she could be heard running down the hall telling me that some guy she does not know is asking for her personal information and she was scared by it. I did confess that it was me but I was very glad to know that the things we warned her about sunk in! · Make very clear to your children that they are not to give out any personal information over the internet. This means no phone numbers, no addresses, and no other identifying information that may allow a predator to track them down. This includes telling someone where they go to school or when their soccer practice is. · If your child is going to the skating rink on Friday night do not post it anywhere online. While this sounds like innocent enough information meant for their friends to read, it can lead a predator right to their location. · Do not divulge any routine information. This includes the times when their parents get home from work, when they get home from school, or where they are every Monday afternoon after school. Again, this type of information can bring danger right to them without them even knowing it. Don’t Be Afraid to Be the Parent It can be hard to lay down so many rules for your children, but rest assured, you are not being an over protective parent. You are not being paranoid as the danger you fear is very real. Your children may not like the rules and may be angry with you for setting so many limits but remember that you are the parent. While you may want your child to think you are a “cool” parent or you may fear them being angry with you, it is much better for them to be mad then to be gone. One day when they are parents they will look back and have a real understanding of why you made the rules that you did. And just think; If the parents of today have so many things to worry about in way of the dangers from technology, just imagine what our children will have to face when they become parents.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Caring for Your Aging Parents When we are children it seems that are parents will be there to care for us forever. When we become adults and have children of our own it seems that Grandma and Grandpa will always be there. After all, parents are the ones who are supposed to take care of you right? But, then the day comes when the parents you once knew, strong, vital, and full of life, begin to fade. The reality is a hard one to face, but the time comes when you become the caregiver. The relationship switches places with you as the parent and them as the children. This has a profound effect on the dynamic of the relationship and there are many moments where you wonder if you can do it. It is painful and emotionally draining but there is help for children who are caregivers. You just have to look for it and ask for it. Help for the Helper I know from personal experience how taxing it is to care for an aging parent. If you are an only child it can be twice as hard. However, if you have siblings, you can ban together to provide the care your parent needs. For many families, nursing homes are not an option. Maybe it is an issue with money but with my family it is an issue with a promise. My husband and his siblings promised his mother that she would not be put in a nursing home no matter what happened. It has been a year since she has gotten sick. A year of having all of our lives turned upside down. A year of spending limited time with our families due to the schedule they all keep, taking turns caring for Mom. Even with four siblings it was too overwhelming so we turned to the state. Home health can be a wonderful thing, but because of the heavy changes made in the system due to government cuts, the hours the state will provide for home health care have been cut drastically. My mother-in-law who cannot be left alone for a moment and if total care only receives an hour and a half per day in state funded care and this is an absolute travesty. Knowing that we all work and that she needed 24 hour care, we looked outside the state help and hired people to come in to her home and care for her during the rest of our working hours. This has been financially hard, as I am sure it would be for many people, but this is certainly a viable option for someone who must provide care for their aging parent. If you must do this there are a few options that you can pursue. First, look to the home health agencies. Many certified nurses aides are happy to have some extra outside work to do as because of the state changes they have lost hours and income. You can find caring and dedicated aids this way. Another avenue to take is advertising. Craigslist is the perfect place to put an ad announcing that you are interested in hiring an aide to help care for your parent. You can take applications and do interviews, finding the best match for your parent as well as you. If you do not require full time care but need some respite days, you can go to your local social service office and see what they can do for you. Many times there are programs that help with assistance in providing a few hours here and there so you, the caregiver, can take care of yourself. If this does not work for you then you may go to your place of worship and ask for help. Many times, a church family can be just as kind and caring as a biological family and there may be someone there that would not mind helping out here and there. Asking for help may be the only way to keep your sanity in this hard time and if you ask, so shall you receive. Caregiver Burn-Out After pouring so much time and energy into caring for your aging parent it you can start to feel completely burnt out. Once upon a time, going to sit with your parent was a pleasure and recreational activity but now that things have changed it can seem more like an unpleasant chore. No matter how much you feel obligated to care for your parent, it cannot be done at the expense of your own mental or physical health. In addition to asking for outside help, it is important to get emotional support for yourself. Talk to your family about what you are going though. Confide your feelings to your spouse. Just talking about things can be a very cathartic experience and make the load feel just a little lighter. If you cannot take care of your own emotions then you will not be able to care for anyone else either. Talking to a counselor may also be beneficial for you. Sometimes the thoughts and feelings you are having may be hard to share with family. You may be feeling angry or frustrated that you have this burden. You may be hoping that it will be over soon and if so that would mean the parents death. These thoughts and feelings, while natural, can be hard to share with family. You may feel guilty about having these feelings and are scared to share them with family because you fear that they will judge you harshly. When talking to a counselor you do not have to fear these things. They are there to help you cope and not to judge. Expressing yourself to an unbiased third party can be very helpful and give you strength to forge ahead. A counselor can also offer helpful ideas on how to better help family cope as well. Always remember that being a caregiver, to a parent or anyone else, require the special care for yourself as well. Being at your best is in your best interest as well at the person you are caring for. The Feelings of the Aging Parent While the caregiver is at the heart of this article, it is also important to remember that the aging parent is going though many emotional and physical changes as well. Needing to have your children take care of you can be a difficult experience. As the parent, they are used to being your caregiver. Having the roles reversed can feel embarrassing and shameful for them. Having your children see you exposed physically is something most parents never imagined happening and it is hard for them to accept that it must be done. Remember this when you are providing care. If you must bath your parent, give as much privacy as possible. Cover the areas you are not washing or cleaning with a towel or blanket. Talk to them while you are providing care. This can make the mood lighter, more natural and less uncomfortable for both parent and child. Keep in mind that as much as you would rather not see your parent in this way, your parent likes it even less. When the Aging Parent has Dementia/Alzheimer’s An aging parent may not only need care due to physical ailments. Mental issues may also come into play. This can be much harder on the caregiver and presents a whole different set of emotional issues. Having worked in lock down units in nursing homes with patients with these types of problems I can say without a doubt that it is much harder on the family then the patient when these illnesses are present. At the later stages of dementia and Alzheimer’s the patient in is ignorant bliss for the majority of the time. The family must deal with the fact that their parent does not know who they are or have any recollection of their past. The emotional implications of this part of the disease(s) are staggering and the family suffers greatly. There are varying degrees of mental dysfunction with people with these illnesses. For my mother-in-law, there is part time coherence. When that is gone however, she says very hurtful things to her children and this has had a profound emotional effect on them. The thing to remember in these cases is that the parent does not mean what they are saying and they don’t know what they are saying. Though it does not make it much easier for the child it is important to remember this so the care they provide is not affected by the hurt being doled out. It can be very overwhelming but the thing I try to point out to my in-laws is that their mother does not mean what she is saying and if she knew what she was putting them through she would hate herself. She did not ask to be in this condition anymore then the family did. Keeping this in mind can help very much in getting through the day to day care of your aging parent with dementia or Alzheimer’s. When at Home Care is No Longer Possible The time may come when it is no longer possible to care for you parent at home. Maybe the parents physical health has declined to the point that they cannot get the things they need outside of a facility. Maybe the parent who has a mental disorder has become violent and the family and the parent are both put in danger. No matter why the choice must be made, it is a hard thing to do. No one wants to put their parent in a nursing home. As someone who has worked in nursing homes, I know that the quality of care is not what it should be and any fears that the family has about their parent not receiving the care they deserve are well founded. In my experience, the patients who receive the best care are the ones whose family visits often and pop up at different times of the day. Once the presence of the family is known the staff appears to pay closer attention to the patient then they would a patient whose family never visits. This is a sad reality but a reality none the less. So, if you must put your parent in a nursing home commit yourself to visiting often, calling often, and coming in when you are not expected to be there. This will ensure that your parent is getting the care that they deserve and require. You Can Only Do So Much While you may want to do it all for your aging parent, you can only do so much and can only offer what you have both emotionally and financially. If you do not feel as if you are able to do enough do not feel guilty. You are human too and cannot just stop living your own life and providing care for your own family. If you must put your parent in a nursing home there can be a great deal of guilt from that decision as well. While it is hard not to feel this way try to keep in mind that you have done the best that you can do for your parent and for yourself and your family. You can still provide care and should do so. Advocate for your aging parent and know that they love you for what you have done and would not want for you to feel guilt or pain.

By Tanya Glover Theravive.com Contributor Once upon a time divorce was a very ugly and taboo word. Back in the 1950’s and 1960’s the word divorce was only whispered and a woman who was divorced was looked upon in a less then favorable light. You could sometimes overhear someone talking in hushed tones about the divorcee who just moved in next door and what type of person she must be. Now, however, we live in a completely different world where divorce is a common word. It is no longer frowned upon (depending on one’s culture or religion) and often filed for. We all know someone who has been through a divorce and it is apparent that it can be a painful process for both husband and wife. But, and unfortunately so, the people who suffer the most when a marriage ends are the children that the marriage produced. As consenting adults, we have the choice of terminating our marriages and moving on. We can kick and scream or laugh and celebrate but in the end, it is our children who are heartsick over the loss of their comfort zone of family. Divorce is a part of life. It is a personal choice and one that in some cases cannot be avoided. However, as the adults it is our responsibility to make sure that our children have the coping mechanisms and support they need to get through this tough time in their lives. Mommy/Daddy, is it my Fault? This is a question that is on the minds of the majority of children whose parents divorce. A child’s world is limited to a certain extent. Children, especially young children, have a limited ability to think outside the box. They are not aware of mommy’s temper problems or daddy’s extramarital affair. All that they know is that there is tension and in many cases loud arguments. Not being able to reach out their minds to larger problems they begin to search within themselves for answers. Typically the question they pose to themselves is “what did I do wrong?” Maybe they think that the fact that they got a bad grade or that they have been being naughty a little too often lately has caused daddy to move out of the house. Maybe they think “I have been so bad that Mommy does not want to take care of me anymore so she left.” This is the most common train of thought for a child whose family is breaking up. The fact that is it common does not make it any easier and it is the parents job to make sure that the child does not think that their marital problems have anything to do with them. Talking honestly (Not too honestly though. You do not want to tell little Johnny that you are divorcing because daddy likes his secretary too much.) to your child about divorce is the first step in helping them cope with the new and scary change in their lives. Try telling the child that sometimes when mommies and daddies cannot get along they have to live apart from each other. Let them know that the problem is with their relationship and not with the child and that they love them very much even if they do not love each other anymore. Make sure the child knows that the door is always open for conversation about the divorce and other changes that are coming their way and that both mommy and daddy will be there to help them. Will I Still Get to See Mommy/Daddy? With divorce come some heavy changes for the child. Maybe daddy is moving out or maybe the child is moving to a new home with mommy. No matter what the plans for living arrangements are it is important for the child to have a place to feel safe and loved. No matter what the reason for the divorce (short of one spouse being dangerous or abusive) the child should be assured that they will have access to each parent no matter what. It is understandable that a couple that is divorcing would rather not be in the same room together and often there is fighting (in or out of court) about child custody. Any of this should be taken care of out of hearing range of the child. There is enough stress on a small body without adding more to worry about. Ideally, the parents should muster up enough maturity to be able to come up with a custody plan that is in the best interest of the child even when the thought of revenge (using the child as emotional bullets) is so very tempting. With divorce comes anger and sometimes mommy and daddy will be available to them always and just because they do not all live together does not mean they are not a family anymore. If the child wants to see or talk to the absent parent, allow it even if it is not their day for visitation. A little compassion will go a long way in making the child feel that they have some control of the situation. A Little Love Goes a Long Way When a child experiences the effects of divorce there are feelings of confusion, stress, anger, and loss. When children feel these things a little love can go a long way. Saying I love you to your children freely and often. Make it easy for them to believe that things can be okay again. The child needs to know this from both parents. Not hearing it can lead to the faulty belief that things happened the way they did because of them. Love also includes allowing the child to love and miss the absent parent. Never speak badly about the other parent in front of the child. The aim here is to make the child comfortable and happy. Hearing negative things that have nothing to do with them only serves to make then confused and question the love of the other parent. It is fine for mom and dad to dislike each other. It is fine for mom and dad to trash each other to friends and other family members. It is not fine for the child to hear what a no good such and such their father or mother is. Once the child hears these types of things it can give them the feeling that they have to take sides in the divorce and this leads to more stress. If the child feels they have to choose sides they will spend time worrying about the parents side they did not choose and if that parent is now angry with them. None of this is the child’s place in the family relationship and they should never be put in such a position. Coping Through Therapy Sometimes, love and reassurance is simply not enough to help a child cope with divorce. When it is clear that the child needs more then the parent is able to give it is recommended that therapy be sought. Therapy can be very beneficial to a child who is coping with divorce. While a child’s parents should be their main safe place where they can talk about their feelings and emotion, when a divorce is occurring it can be hard for the child to open up to the parents. This is because the things they are feeling are about their parents and they do not always feel comfortable telling their parents how they feel about things pertaining directly to them. In cases like this, bringing in an unbiased third party can be highly beneficial. Though it may be uncomfortable and scary for the child at the beginning of the therapeutic relationship, after a few sessions the atmosphere becomes more easy going and comfortable and the child finds it easier to open up. The therapist plays the role of trusted confidant and once the child forms this trust with the counselor the healing process can begin. The problems that the child is facing and the emotions they are struggling with can come out into the open and the therapist, getting down to the child’s level, can teach the child how to cope with their feelings. Once the relationship is solidly established there is then the possibility of bringing in the parents, either together or one at a time, to participate in the child’s therapy. This can help the parents become more aware and understanding of the child’s feelings and how they can best help in the healing process. This can also help the child to learn to trust the parents again and feel less like they come from a broken family. Family is Forever Divorce is a painful reality in today’s society. Children are affected in different ways then the adults so they require special emotional care in order to gain coping skills and begin healing from the painful reality that has just hit them. Please remember to love your children outwardly and often. Remind them often that there are all different types of families and just because their parents are divorced does not mean that they are no longer a family or that they are loved any less then they were prior to the divorce. Life if forever changing but not all change is bad and this is the lesson that can be gained from this experience.

WHAT IS ANXIETY? To understand anxiety, let’s look at fear first. Fear is a protective mechanism and an appropriate reaction to a real danger. Anxiety is a reaction to a perceived danger or threat and becomes a problem when magnified out of proportion. Some of the symptoms that may be experienced with excessive anxiety are: panic and fear sleep problems obsessive thoughts heart palpitations compulsive behaviors sweating ANXIETY IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE When anxiety is taking over your life you feel overwhelmed, helpless and out of control. Worrying takes up more and more of your time and energy. You know that some of your thoughts and behaviors are unreasonable, but can't stop them. Anxiety shows itself in many ways. You may have panic attacks, phobias, obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors. Loneliness and isolation are becoming your frequent companions. It's hard to explain and often embarrassing to tell your family and friends what you're going through and hard for them to understand. This is not the life you want to live. YOU WONDER WHY YOU ARE SO ANXIOUS You wonder, "Why me? Why can't I stop this?". Self-blame comes in..... You need to know that you are not the only one. One out of six people experience significant symptoms of anxiety at some point in their lives. There are several factors that can cause or increase anxiety. YOU WONDER WHERE THE ANXIETY COMES FROM There is a strong biological component to anxiety. Often, when there is a parent who is worrying excessively about their child being anxious, that parent probably has a history of being “a worrier” too. And if you go back another generation, one of those grandparents very likely had some “worries of their own”. In addition to the biological sensitivity to anxiety, the environment that the child grows up in is a contributing factor to the anxiety. When a parent is anxious, the child will absorb some of this anxiety, increasing his own. Other stressors and traumas that one has experienced over time will contribute to the increasing anxiety. HOW YOU HANDLE IT Anxiety may be new to you, or you may have struggled with anxiety for a long time, maybe your entire life. You try to handle it the best way you can. Sometimes you avoid the situation or the people you are feeling uncomfortable with. You try to live with it, live around it, sometimes just suffering through it. Your fears take over, you keep obsessing. You try not to worry, you know you shouldn't worry so much, but you can't seem to stop. You've tried different ways to lessen your anxieties and decrease your stress and maybe even tried some therapies to cope with it, but with only some success. WHAT NOW? You're frustrated and wondering if there is a way out. Is there really anything that can make a difference?.... The answer is yes. Even if you have a biological predisposition to anxiety, have anxiety in your family, or have experienced trauma in your life, you can recover from this. There is help for anxiety. There are different strategies and therapies that do help.... These are several of the unique and powerful therapies that I have found to be most effective in my work in helping to reduce anxiety: Percussive Suggestion Technique (PSTEC) Meridian Tapping Therapies / EFT SandPlay Therapy Heart Rate Variability Therapy For more information about these therapies and additional articles on anxiety, please visit my website at CounselingbytheShore.com. Give yourself the chance to live the life that you really want to live. I specialize in working with parent and children experiencing anxiety. My goal isto help you to decrease your anxiety and that of your child. I use innovative andcreative therapies that will help to resolve distressing feelings either of you areexperiencing. If you have any questions about this article or would like to discussany concerns that you have, please feel free to contact me at the phone number oremail address below. Elaine M. Corona, MSW, LCSWCounseling by the Shore, LLC509 Main Street- Suite 2Avon-by-the-Sea, NJ 07717(732) 233-9026 CounselingbytheShore@gmail.comCounselingbytheShore.com©

If your child experiences and suffers with anxiety, it is not only hard for them, but hard for you t [More]