Theravive Home

By Don Olund, MA, LCPC, NCC View Don's Profile Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teenager is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others. Cyber-culture teens are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Face Book and My Space are among many portals of escape teens will use to connect with peers and disconnect from family. Worried parents often wonder, “Am I losing connection with my teen?” To answer that question, let’s begin by looking at what’s going on during adolescence. It boils down to one word, “change”. Teens undergo significant and rapid change during puberty. Physical and hormonal change seem to happen overnight. In addition to the physical transformation is the emergence of a sexual identity. So, not only is the teen body in a state of flux, the identity is too! Erick Erickson called this stage of development, “identity vs. inferiority”. Throughout adolescence teens try on different “identity hats” to see what fits. Watch this process unfold by observing teens experiment with different clothes styles, hair styles, music tastes, peer groups, etc… Independence is their mantra. Don’t be too alarmed when your teen questions your rules or challenges your authority. You may even notice changes in your relationship with your teen. It may feel like they are pulling away from you. Actually, this is a normal process in identity formation. Finally, another unsettling change you may notice in your teen is a shift from family dependence to peer dependence. Suddenly, they want to spend all their time with their friends. At home you may find them on their cell phones or text messaging the friends they just left minutes ago! When you tell them to get off the phone they head for the computer where they can email, meet in chat rooms, or instant message. Now, let’s examine the warning signs that indicate your teen may be pulling away too much. One of the first signs is a pattern of isolation when they are at home. If your teen spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games, watching TV, talking on the phone, or bunkered down in their bedroom, with very little interaction with family members, it signals a disconnect. Another sign of pulling away is a preoccupation with friends. If all their free time is spent hanging out with friends, talking on the phone, text messaging, etc… and minimal interest in spending time with the family it’s a sign they are drifting. A third sign is often detected in the tone of their interaction with family members. It can be summed up in one word: respect. Parental influence can be measured by how their teenager talks to them and responds to their requests. If your teen reacts by yelling, swearing, or defiant behavior, it is an indicator of disrespect. When respect disintegrates, the parent-teen relationship suffers. By the way, teens have no respect for parents who lose control. Your best bet is to know your buttons and disarm them. Here’s a couple of tips on showing teens respect. Respect their right to speak. You don’t have to agree with them, but listen and try to understand. Respect their need for space. This may sound like a contradiction to what was said earlier about isolation. The point is teens need to have their own space and a little time where they can be by themselves. A fourth sign to watch out for is the emergence of academic and/or behavioral problems. Teens who pull away tend to show their opposition to their parents by doing poorly in school or by defying household rules. Finally, if you notice a pattern of risk-taking behavior such as drug and/or alcohol use, staying out all night, or other signs of poor impulse control, you have a problem on your hands. If a teen is out-of-control, it is important for parents to take control of the situation. Teens with behavioral problems need intervention. This is a time for parents to step in and do whatever is necessary to get them back on track. Intervention may require the assistance of mental health professionals who are experts in helping families. Wise parents take advantage of the support counseling services provide. At LifeWork Counseling, we understand the complexities of parent-teen relationships. Our goal is to help families make and keep the connections they cherish. In family therapy, parents and teens learn how to stop conflict cycles and discover more effective ways of communicating where mutual respect is honored. Parents learn how to disengage from power struggles. Teens learn how to manage their behavior and get back on track academically. Individual counseling can address specific adolescent problems such as impulse control, social interaction, and management of mood and anxiety-based disorders. Marriage counseling is available for couples in conflict over parenting styles, or needing assistance in balancing the needs of marriage and parenting. Are you losing connection with your teen or your spouse because of family difficulty? Don’t let them drift too far away before you take action. Contact LifeWork Counseling. We find solutions that work! Email me: don@lifeworkcounseling.net.

By Christie Hunter: View Christie's Profile What Are Doorways? This is the first blog in a new series of blogs called "Doorways". A doorway represents and symoblizes a new place, a new journey in life. Beyond the door is another world, one that is different than the one behind it, yet still connected. In order to reach the doorway before us, we had to live the life behind us, for it brought us here to this place. And like all doorways, it requires a choice...action on our part. We can stay here and look at it, or perhaps open it slightly and peer through as a spectator, or maybe even turn around and walk backwards down the path we came....or we can take a new step, close a chapter behind us, and start a new journey. Like all doorways, to experience what lies ahead, you must actually step through. Our first doorway that I will talk about is the one so many of us have already walked through- becoming a parent! Here Comes Baby! Welcome to the world of parenting! Its here…whether you prepared for it or not. And now, you are going to have to make some adjustments! Some of them will come naturally, some of them not so naturally. You are probably getting advice from everywhere. The best overall advice I can give you is…enjoy it! The moments will go by so fast, and by the time you turn around, it will seem like a fleeing memory. Don’t get caught up in all the minute details…”Am I eating enough? Did I take my supplements? Did I buy the right crib?, ect.” The more you get hung up on all the fine details, the less likely you are to create special memories that your heart will cherish. More than anything, find time to just enjoy life, and embrace each step, each phase of life as a parent, from pregnancy, to birth, to baby, to toddler, all the way to young adult. It will go by so fast. Transitions This series I will talk about what it is to be a new parent. I will discuss some myths, and some very real challenges that will hit you straight in the head if you aren’t prepared for them. The sad truth is that many relationships end after the birth of a child, and having a good understanding of what happens during transition from couple to parents is critical for your future happiness. The adjustment into parenting is one of the most challenging and rewarding periods for a couple. The anticipation of waiting for the arrival of your child, whether through the course of a pregnancy or while waiting for an adoption to complete, creates an extensive list of hopes, dreams, and expectations for your future as parents and for your child. Focusing on these exciting options, preparing the baby’s room, and thinking about the arrival of your bundle of joy can many times overlook the preparation needed for your marriage as you and your spouse transition from just the two of you to a family of three. This first series of blogs are designed to help bring awareness to the many changes couples may face as they embark on parenting. You Are The Best Guide The first consideration is that no amount of planning, no amount of preparing, no book, no advice, and no blog is going to fully prepare you for the changes of becoming parents. How much experience parenting did anyone else have the first time they became parents? The answer is none, of course. Being a parent is a journey you must take on your own, each journey is fully unique from all others. Recognizing that you will not be able to control all circumstances with your baby and that your resources will be maxed out helps to create an environment of flexibility and resilience to these unplanned events. If you are going in to parenting with an expectation of being able to plan and schedule all events relating to your child, you will likely be disappointed and frustrated. Being realistic about your expectations of both your child and yourself is a great start towards adjusting to both the anticipated and the unpredictable situations. Expect And Prepare For Change Our human nature is to prepare, to learn, to anticipate situations so we can make the best choices and thus have the best possible outcomes. When you bring a child into the family structure of your marriage this changes not only your identity as an individual, you are now a mother or a father, but also your identity in your relationship with your spouse. Together you share a unique opportunity to teach, to train, and to guide your child. This job requires a great deal of time, effort, and emotional resource. As you try to balance these demands in your life and marriage, some areas of your life will receive less. Often, this comes from what we give to our spouse and the effect is a slow distance that develops in what was once a strong and exciting relationship. Next, we will discuss some of the expectations…and disappointments that new parents will often face. Have you ever heard someone tell you that being a parent is a 100% self-sacrifice? Probably most new parents have heard this from someone or have read it somewhere. The truth is, that it is not, and this is actually quite a risky philosophy to have, one that I do not recommend. Being a parent can be a 100% self gain. We will talk about how this can be and other myths next time. About Christie Christie is a Certified Management Accountant (CMA) with the CMA Society of Canada and a Registered Clinical Counsellor (R.C.C.) with the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. She holds a dual specialty in Marriage & Family Therapy and Trauma Resolution. View Christie's Profile