Theravive Home

Chapter 6 Common Boundary Myths “…AND I will NOT accept your guilt trips ANY MORE!!! They are NOT welcome in my HOME! If you want to leave you can!...” Do you know what that is?... DRUM ROLL PLEASE…. That is a Boundaryless women starting to set boundariesand oh boy is it ugly! Most of you can guess that was my mother I was talking to and many of you either have had, wish you could have, OR should have that conversation with that wonderful woman we call Mom! This chapter really started to make sense while in the midst of working on setting some new boundaries. Which by the way really does not come easy to me. .. In fact, later in the day my ‘loving’ mother says something about how I really should learn to control my emotions…adding insult to injury as I had already brought on the guilt trip for sticking up for myself. What I got to experience first had is Boundary Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry. Quote from page 116: It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, settling limits, and taking responsibility and “angry cloud” follows them around for awhile. They become touchy and easily offended, and they discover a hair-triggered temper that frightens them. Friends will make comments like, “You’re not the nice, loving person I used to know.” The guilt and shame caused by these remarks can further confuse new boundary setters. The chapter goes on to explain that anger is a sign we need to move forward to confront the threat and the violation. Years of constant boundary violations do generate some anger and sometimes we have shoved these feelings down! So if there is anything this chapter has done for me is validated I am in the right direction! It is NOT easy especially with a 33 year relationship to start to set healthy and biblical boundaries! A Myth is fiction that looks like a truth: Here are some of the other Myths about Boundaries this chapter exposes. Check to see which ones you believe 1) If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience 3) If I begin to set boundaries I will be hurt by others 4) If I Set boundaries I will hurt others 5) Boundaries mean that I am angry 6) When Others Set Boundaries In Injures me 7) Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt 8) Boundaries are Permanent and I’m Afraid if Burning My Bridges We are now finished "PART ONE: What are Boundaries?" WE DID IT!!! YES!!! On to "PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts" Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

I feel like I need to have a big sip of water, pat my belly, sigh, and sit back to digest…this book is getting good! Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries….DRUM ROLL PLEASE: Law of Sowing and Reaping: - God’s law on this is not punishment it is reality - When other people reap the consequences for someone else this is called “codependency” - People with no boundaries often interrupt this law Law of Responsibility: - This includes loving others - About being responsible ‘to’ and not for others - Not only giving but in the setting of limits on other’s destructive and irresponsible behaviour - It is not good to rescue others from the consequences of their sin as you will only need to do it again Law of Power: - We need to admit we are powerless - We have the power to admit our faults, submit to God, ask for help, turn for help, humble ourselves and apologize when wrong Law of Respect: - We tend to judge other’s people’s boundaries - We need to respect the boundaries of others, in fact we need to love them - If we love and respect people who say no they will love and respect our no Law of Motivation: - We are often motived not by love but by fear of losing it - We need to check our motivations are they based on: fear of anger, fear of losing myself, guilt, payback, approval, over identification with other’s loss Law of Evaluation: - Hurt and harm are different - We need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to (not for) the other person - Need to evaluate the pain caused by our choices Law of Proactivity: - Proactive people show you what they love, what they stand for, what they want, and what they purpose - Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than finding yourself! Law of Envy: - Envy defines good as what I don’t poses - If we focus on what we don’t have we are not being responsible for what we do have - Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something (usually not what you are wanting) - take this to God Law of Activity: - Passivity can become an ally of evil if you do not resist it - God will match our efforts but he will never do the work for us - Trying, failing and trying again is called learning Law of Exposure: - Boundaries need to be made visible to others- they need to see them - Due to unexpressed boundaries relationships will suffer KEY THOUGHTS FROM THE CHAPTER: Boundaries do exist, they will affect us whether we communicate them or not (pg 103) The Ultimate Expression of Power is love (pg 98) We are called into freedom- this freedom results in gratitude and an overflowing heart(pg 94) More people suffer from trying to change others than any other sickness(pg 91) So here we are: the 10 Laws of Boundaries. Many of these seem so very obvious and others, well they are at work and I am sure as we open up we will see how we can work with them and not against them. Reference: Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992) Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No; to take control of your life. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan.