Caught. Ashley Madison Data. What To Do
On August 18, 2015, over 30 million accounts from the cheating website Ashley Madison were released to the public. It is no doubt that thousands, perhaps millions of marriages are in jeopardy. This is for those who
- A) Were on the website and are now living in fear, and
- B) Those who discovered their spouse on the site, and
- C) Those who discovered someone they know on the site, but who is not your spouse.
So lets start with the first type of person...those who are on the site and are living in fear:
I Have An Account On Ashley Madison, What Do I Do?
The first question is obviously "how far did you go?" Did you sign up for curiosity, or were you very serious in your search? Did you follow through and have a physical affair? Most women will consider even the act of signing up on that site a betrayal of vows. Even if you never actually had an affair, you may find that she will have great difficulty accepting it.
Your life is not over. It may feel like the entire world is crashing in on you, and that life is collapsing, but rest assured there is light on the other side, but only if i you are willing to do the right thing now.
Coming clean first will always be better in the end of being "found out".
So you have a very difficult choice to make. There are 30 million users, and true, you can try to just "hide" in the depths of everyone else hoping it will all blow over and then you can go back to the shadows uncaught.
But also, consider this- even if your wife doesn't know how to check for you, she has friends, and her friends may be searching for your email address behind your back. Your friends might be doing it too. Your mother in law might search for you, or your co-worker. Do not assume that just because your wife may not actually search for you that someone else wouldn't. And if you are found, this will increase the chance that it will make its way to your wife. So ask yourself this question: "Which is the best scenario for your future: someone else tells your wife you are on the site, or you tell her yourself?"
If you work through things with your spouse, and do so in front of a therapist, then it wont matter if anyone else finds out, you will be strong enough to withstand it. The most important thing is getting things right with your spouse. But to do this, please get help from a professional therapist. This cannot be emphasized enough. Your life could indeed crumble around you, affairs can wreck havoc. Do not assume you can handle this on your own. Set aside the ego, and admit you dug your life into a hole. At this point, professional counseling is the best tool you have at your disposal. And please believe that many marriages can and do survive affairs, and are stronger and better than they were before. It IS possible to have the right outcome out of all this. But for that to happen, you must start your new journey of making the right choices...here and now.
We recommend that you contact a therapist, and that you do it immediately. Time may be of the essence. You have a difficult decision right now, and the sooner you make it the better. We are not saying "tell her", nor are we saying "do not tell her". What we are saying to you is that the best path for you to take is to plot your plan of action with the help of a counselor. Rest assured, a therapist IS safe, and will NOT divulge your information, not to your spouse, or to anyone else. The good news is that your marriage does not have to be over. Marriages can and do survive infidelity. But the best chance you have at this point to save your marriage is to simply come clean.
I Found My Husband With An Account on Ashley Madison
You decided to search, and you saw your husband's email come up as being on the site. Now what? Before you do anything drastic, please consider these points first....any one of these may be possible.
It could be an old account. Ashley Madison was started in 2001. Even if he signed up in 2002, his email would still show. Does your marriage go back that far? Perhaps he was there before you were married.
He may have only flirted with the idea and did nothing else. 90% of all users on Ashley Madison are men (and this is why we are assuming the user is a "he" in this article). Yes, this lopsided statistic was revealed. So it is completely impossible that the vast majority of men on there actually had affairs. Just the opposite. Most men on AM could not have had an affair, there are simply not enough women. Consider the possibility that maybe he signed up out of curiosity but never did anything more. If this is true, then it may still be a violation of trust, but perhaps not as damaging as it may seem.
Someone else could have signed him up. AM does not verify email addresses. This means anyone could have signed up anyone else and gotten away with it. This scenario is entirely possible, even if it may not be likely.
He could have followed through and had an affair. Of course, this is possible too. This is your worst fear, that he has been talking to and meeting other women.
So what now? The pain of realizing your spouse has been seeking others is sudden and terrifying. Do you throw in the towel? Do you confront him? How do you confront him? Do you do so in anger, in bitter silence? Do you try to save the marriage? Do you end it and move on and pick up the pieces?
There is no answer we can give you to these questions...no one can. The only way you can figure this out is through counseling. Facebook friends and support groups are NOT healthy ways to deal with something like this. And even worse, if you found out your husband was on that site because a friend told you, or someone else did a search and told you, the last thing we recommend is using that friend as a source for "advice". The best place for you to chart your course from this point on is with the help of a licensed marriage therapist. You can find great ones here on our site. Please know that marriage CAN survive an affair and actually be stronger than it was before. There is help and life after an affair.
I Found Someone on Ashley Madison who is Not My Spouse
We have only one question for you...is it your business? Is it really? Are you prepared to be the catalyst for a family's destruction? Are there kids involved?
Gossip is a lethal business. And inserting yourself as a "third wheel" into the life and marriage of someone else, especially when you have the "bombshell" of information is not healthy. You may think you are doing the "right thing" by bringing your new found knowledge to light, but are you sure? A much better route for you to take before you decide to drop your secret payload of "information" on her is to consult with a counselor first. If you are insistent in revealing what you found have you considered perhaps telling him first so that he may have a chance to come clean? Are you sure just telling her first is right? What are your motives for being an investigator and typing in other people's email addresses into an Ashley Madison database? Please talk to a therapist before you breakup someone else's marriage....even if it is someone you love and are close to. This may not be something you should be a part of. Or maybe you should be....but at least before you make that decision, talk with someone first. A licensed therapist can give perspectives we do not always consider in the heat of the moment.
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